[stadium organ music playing]
-[baseball bat cracks] -[crowd cheering]
Whoo! Come on, Baby Humans!
Oh, oh. You gotta try a Chicago-style baked potato.
Why does everything have to be "Chicago-style" here?
We get it. We're in Chicago.
-Come on. Just try it. -[scoffs] Look at this.
Fork and knife individually wrapped.
-So much plastic! -Oh!
-Oops. -Yeah. "Oops."
Or the Chicago Baby Humans are owned by the brother of the CEO of Plastico.
And we are thereby complicit
in this incestuous money-laundering scheme that's, oh,
by the way, killing the planet.
[scoffs] But what are you gonna do, right?
♪ Pick yourself right up When you're feeling down ♪
♪ Friendly smiling faces all around ♪
♪ The sun is shining down on you and me ♪
♪ Happiness is there for all to see ♪
♪ Everybody, come on And get your happy shoes on ♪
♪ I said, "Everybody, come on And get your happy shoes on" ♪
♪ Whoa, everybody, come on And get your happy shoes on ♪
[electricity crackles]
-Good morning, beautiful. -Oh!
Wanna go try and hit a Chicago-style museum?
Oh, I'd love to, but I really have to work on my book. Next time.
Great! I've made my romantic offer. I've officially been a good boyfriend.
I will now retreat to our living room to play video games all day.
[sighs]
[theme music playing]
[film reel rolling]
Hello. I am Diane,
and I am a young girl living in Boston and ever since I was that,
I wanted to write good things that were good,
this is not good, fix this later.
[grunting] Diane, as your father, I am very unsupportive.
Come up with examples of Dad being unsupportive.
Okay, yes. And, also, the girls from high school.
Hey, I'm Krissy Keating.
Can you use my real name?
Check if it's okay to use my real name.
Anyway, I was a real bitch to you,
but now maybe you're realizing I was bullied, too?
-Is any of this interesting? -[BoJack] Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Put me in your book. Remember I gave you that salad bowl?
And I broke the bowl!
Answer your phone.
And I glued it back together with gold
because I read an article about the Japanese art of kintsugi!
-And it fell apart again. -It kept falling apart like our marriage!
[Mr. Peanutbutter] Is that something? Is any of this anything?
[BoJack] Diane. Answer your phone. I'm calling you right now.
-[phone buzzing] -What?
[phone beeps]
-Hello? -[BoJack] Hey, Diane.
If I had my shitty students do a night of scenes here
at the end of the semester, would you come see it?
It's gonna suck, so I wanna pack the house with friendly faces.
When you sell it like that, how can I resist?
How's that book coming?
-I'm actually at the mall, writing it now. -Why are you writing at the mall?
I couldn't focus at home and this is the only place
I could sit and work for ten hours.
I can get lunch here, I can people-watch,
all without having to endure what the Chicagoans refer to as "spring."
Hey, Chicago, 49 degrees is not spring.
-It's the non-Lachey half of a boy band. -What?
Forty-nine! Half of 98?
Diane, don't workshop your material in casual conversation.
Howie Mandel used to do it, too. Like, really, Howie?
You just happened to have a rubber glove in your pocket?
All I need to do now is actually write my book.
I have so many stories to tell,
but I can't seem to figure out what the book is.
You gonna put any stories about me in there?
-I think I've written about you enough. -But no one else is as good at it!
I'm sure someone will rise to the occasion.
Baxter, darling, I've just a moment to update you on the progress
of our Penny Carson crusade.
So far, we've been able to contact three of the four Penny Carsons
listed in New Mexico.
Baxter, there's nowhere I'd rather be than on our honeymoon cruise to "Unjuga,"
but I simply can't stop now.
We're on the lookout for the fourth Penny, and, God willing, she'll be the lucky one.
Oh! Hey.
-Caw-caw! Caw-caw! -[gasps]
Oh... [stammers] Sorry, I didn't mean you. Paige!
[gasps]
Kisses, Baxter dear, it appears we've found our deer.
Okay. Book, here we go.
I grow up in Boston town because my father,
who I never was close with, live in Boston.
That's not right English, I'll fix it later.
Me from Boston.
Well, you're not from Boston, but yeah.
-Whatever for now. -Beantown.
To really understand what it's like to grow up in Boston,
you actually have to go back 250 years to the Boston Tea Party.
Taxation without representation is wicked unjust, bro!
Bro, check it out. I'm teabaggin' the harbor.
Oh, no freakin' way.
-[laughs] -[grunts]
-Go, Pats. Unrelated. -[Diane] Stop.
-I'm getting distracted. -Why can't you stay focused?
What's wrong with your head, Deedee?
The idea behind the Japanese art of kintsugi
is that cracks in an object are part of its history.
-What does that have to do with anything? -We have to look at trauma!
Ugh.
[woman] We totally have to look at Trauma.
-What? -There's a spring sale.
Forty percent off.
Ooh!
[grunting, groans]
[Ivy] Did you hear
security still can't figure out who's stealing wallets? Like... [scoffs]
I bet my life it's that hag Devon from the hair crimper cart.
Oh, my God, yes, that theory is beast, Ivy.
-Excuse me, I'm sorry... -We forgive you.
You know the story about Gemberly, right? What they found in her locker?
-Tell me. -It was a--
I meant "Pardon me, I need another size."
But I can't seem to find a number on the tag?
-We don't see size here at Trauma. -Okay, but can you help me?
Sure. I think it would help if you figured out
why you need to put a number on your body, and let me get back to this mystery.
Thanks.
[grunts]
-[phone buzzing, beeps] -Hello?
[Ivy] Oh, my God, she's like taking a phone call.
Diane! Great news!
"Birthday Dad" premiered last night to a 0.006,
which is the biggest network hit
since the inventor of blood-scented perfume
went on Shark Tank and got her arm bitten off.
Great!
Meanwhile, my company's running like gangbusters.
Is gangbusters a slur of some sort?
-Can we still say gangbusters? -I'll look into it.
And with Todd watching the baby, my work-life balance is on point.
-Did you call me just to brag? -I was thinking...
What would make my work-life balance even on pointier?
And it hit me: more work!
So, I thought I'd check in and see how your book's doing.
Oh. I'm still kind of figuring out what the "is" of it is, you know?
-It's been six months. -Okay, I think it's about...
-Trauma. -Trauma?
Or... damage.
You know, those bowls that break
and then the cracks get filled with gold and then they're even more beautiful?
Maybe it's like that, you know?
Like, we've all been damaged,
but it's good damage because it makes us more who we are.
Is that anything?
Yeah, good damage. I like it.
Send me the pages and we'll get 'em to the publisher.
Okay, but no hurry?
Okay, but, no. Hurry.
What can I get ya?
Some information with a side order of revelation.
Is that a type of pasta?
Oh, also a water. I am parched.
In fact, why don't you freeze that water into a cube shape
and drop it in some bourbon.
We're looking to identify an associate of Sarah Lynn's.
Sarah Lynn? Is this about BoJack?
Is it about BoJack?
I don't know what you're looking for, but I don't know anything about it.
Okay? I haven't seen BoJack in years. Or Sarah Lynn.
But you have seen them?
I'm gonna go ask the kitchen about your pasta.
BoJack?
Wait, that's the fellow from the police report,
who found the dead girl in the planetarium.
-Yes? -Found the dead girl.
-Are you smelling what I'm smelling? -[snorts]
If he was also with her at the AA meeting...
Well, then why wouldn't he mention it to the police? What's he hiding?
You're starting to make more sense than a change machine.
Yeah, speaking of cents, what happened to Penny?
-Oh, poop! Our scoop's flown the coop! -Go, go, go! Gotta stay in the loop!
"So in a way, that salad bowl was me, and the cracks... were also me..."
-Ugh! It sucks, I'm sorry. -It's a first draft.
I can't remember what happened when and I keep getting distracted.
It's because of the meds. This is what I was afraid would happen.
But isn't it worth it?
You've been feeling so much better, right?
I do feel lighter, and clearer, but also so foggy.
You feel clear and foggy? How is that even possible?
-I don't know! Because of the fog. -Hey. Stick with it.
-With the writing? Or the fog? -Both.
Okay. So, start at the beginning.
I'm a baby.
[Todd] Hey, baby!
Isn't it great to grow up in a comfortable upper-middle class home,
surrounded by love?
But I didn't grow up surrounded by love. That's the problem.
You were fine! Name one example of me being a bad dad.
Uh, okay! What about how you made me lose on purpose at Boggle
so my brothers would think they were, quote, "wicked smarter than a girl."
-That's all you got? -I got other things!
There was lots of shit. Constantly! I just can't express--
Is this what your book is? Just you complaining?
As your target audience, I'm not hooked yet.
You are not my target audience.
[Ivy] This book is like bore me with a spoon, Diane.
You know the story about Gemberly, right?
-What they found in her locker? -Tell me.
It was a note from the thief, saying where all the wallets were hidden.
What? What is this? I'm trying to write about my childhood trauma.
-Who are you? -I'm Ivy.
My mom and I just moved to Chicago from Southern California.
[Diane] What? No. I can't...
My dad died and we needed a new start.
I don't really get Chicago yet, and the winters are cold AF,
so I hang out at the mall a lot.
Malls are fun!
Or "beast," which is slang that young people like me say.
-You're Ivy Tran, right? -Ivy T. That's me!
I-I need help.
Someone's been filching onesies
by the twosies from the fourth floor Baby Hole,
and if I don't figure out whodunnit,
my manager's gonna mount my head on the wall!
Yes, managers can be very annoying.
I'll take the case.
-Oh, and, also, I'm Vietnamese-American. -[moose] Beast.
"Ivy Tran, Food Court Detective"?
Well, I like this. It's fun.
My book is supposed to be a profound treatise on damage.
But I can't even access my damage. I'm too...
-hopped up on goof-berries! -What the hell is a goof-berry?
I need to go to a dark place, and I can't get there.
When I'm with you, when we're out, I feel good, I feel happy,
but the minute I sit down to write--
You were having trouble writing this book when you were depressed,
and you're having trouble now that you're not depressed.
Is it possible that you just--
-What? That I'm just a shitty writer? -No.
That you just don't wanna write this book.
I do, though. It's just hard.
But that means it's worthwhile. Good things are hard.
I'm not writing The Mall-related Mysteries of Ivy Tran!
-[chuckles] Why not? -Guy, come on.
-No. You come on. -You come on.
Diane, I'm gonna tell you what I always tell my good friend Eileen.
-Don't do it. -Eileen, come on.
[scoffs, chuckles]
More drugs, please!
-[phone buzzes, beeps] -Hello?
I soft-pitched your book to Brad Pitt's company, Plan B,
and Craig Bierko's company, Plan C.
They're very excited about the movie adaptation.
What movie adaptation?
Gee, I don't know, a new Robin Hood adaptation.
No, Diane, the adaptation of your book!
What book?
Come to think of it, a new Robin Hood sounds pretty good. Judah!
-Maybe from Maid Marian's point of view? -Directed by Sofia Coppola?
I'll try Rebecca Ferguson's agent.
[Diane] You're still on the phone with me!
Oh, right. The town has really responded to your pitch about damage.
It wasn't a pitch!
Imagine, all the little Dianes out there,
just waiting to see their story on the big screen
during a brief Oscar-qualifying run in New York and LA.
You don't think it's too sad, do you?
It wouldn't be better if I wrote something more fun?
Diane, sad is the new fun. Besides, the sad is what makes it you!
-Really? -Yes! Everyone's very excited.
But they wanna see pages.
So, do what you do and get me that sad!
Just got back word from Sofia.
She's booked for the next year
developing a new Peter Pan from Wendy's point of view,
and Rebecca's doing a limited series about the female ticket-taker
at the cinema where Batman's parents got shot.
Ooh, that's really empowering. Diane, I gotta go.
Uh... Ngu-yen?
N-Ngu-yen?
No one?
[Charlotte humming]
-Hey, Mom. -Hey, Pen!
-What's wrong? -Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.
A girl can't visit her mom? Why are you grilling me?
Slow down. Breathe.
Something happened at work.
-Something? -[both gasp]
Or someone...s?
Did you follow me home?
If you didn't wanna be followed,
you should have been more judicious with the turn signal.
A lady doesn't need to always announce where she's headed.
Yes. Who taught you how to drive?
-Uh, can I help you? -Paige Sinclair, intrepid gal reporter.
And I'm Max!
Okay.
We're circling a story on the last days of Sarah Lynn
and we're trying to nail down a timeline.
We think your BoJack Horseman may have played a part. [snorts]
I think you should go.
Well, it was worth a try.
Actually, I did see Sarah Lynn. Right before she died.
Oh! It was very worth a try.
She came to Oberlin. With BoJack.
-Whoa! BoJack came to Oberlin? -And what happened?
-Nothing. I mean-- -Why didn't you tell me?
I saw them and told BoJack to leave. That's it.
-Were they intoxicated? -Is BoJack ever not intoxicated?
-Would you go on the record? -No, she won't.
Excuse us, we are just about to sit down to dinner.
Do you think BoJack got Sarah Lynn drunk?
-Penny-- -I'm not a kid, okay?
-We should tell them about Maddy. -No--
Who's Maddy?
My best friend in high school.
BoJack was living here and he bought her booze
before the prom and then she got alcohol poisoning.
I'm sorry, he was living here?
-Oh, what's this, a party? -[gasps]
Did you guys forget to invite Kyle?
-Dad... [sighs] -Ah, just kidding. Now it's a party.
Kyle, these folks are from the refrigerator repair company.
And I just told them that our refrigerator is working fine
and they were just leaving.
Quite. If you think of anything else, please do give us a call.
Ah. You know, the wine fridge has actually been acting kind of funky.
Two refrigerators? Ha! Give my regards to the Rockafellers.
[Charlotte sighs]
-[whistling] -[grunting]
Can you keep it down, please?
I couldn't sleep and you're like shout-whistling at me.
Hey, I'm just whistling. Chicago-style.
Don't. Just please be quiet. I need to write.
Okay. Okay. Write on.
[exhales sharply]
-Hey, how was the writing? -What do you mean?
You were gonna write today.
[Diane] Oh, is the day over?
-I was just thinking my thoughts... -Are you all right?
-[crying] -Oh! Oh, my God!
-Diane, what's wrong? -I...
-[retching, coughing] -Oh, oh, oh!
-It's okay. I got it in the plant. -Oh! Not in the toilet?
I'm not gonna put my face in your toilet.
-Don't be gross. -Our toilet, baby. We've been over this.
I had to think fast. Went for the plant.
Okay, but the sink? Or the shower? There's so many drains in there.
I'm sorry. I gotta work.
Hey. [sighs] Maybe you can just go back to bed and you can work in the morning.
No. Now. Gotta get it done.
[keyboard clacking]
I'm 17 years old. I live in Boston.
Krissy Keating's a real bitch to me.
-Was I? Or did you deserve it? -I deserved it.
Your problem is you always blame other people, Deedee.
-I know. -Who's a good baby? Not you!
Where are my pages, Diane?
I need pages for my beautiful celebrities, such as Stockard Channing, Tatum O'Neal,
Patrick Harrison Ford Focus.
I'm trying to focus. I'm trying to get to the truth.
-I think you're afraid of the truth. -No.
Your damage isn't interesting and you're unworthy of love.
-No, I'm not! -Of course you are!
Are you, uh, you know,
one of those stupid pop culture analogies I'm always doing?
Because you're charming at first, but eventually enough already!
You think you're a beautiful salad bowl?
[scoffs] Conceited much?
More like garden-variety, am I right?
[Diane's Dad] You blame everyone else for all your problems,
but you're the one constant here.
-Go Pats. -You're right.
[breathing heavily]
Diane, what is going on?
There's a heaviness... on my chest.
And it's not just my boobs, even though, yes, my boobs are heavier now.
-Hey. Talk to me. -I stopped taking my meds.
-Why? -Because I'm terrible!
I'm a stupid person! I deserve this!
No. You're not a stupid person, but you can't just--
I want to die!
-It's so much worse than before. -Baby, you're going through withdrawal.
Do I just have to be on drugs forever now? How am I gonna finish my book?
-Okay, forget about the book for a second. -I can't!
-It's the only thing that matters. -Now, that's not true.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm so stupid. I'm sorry.
It's okay. It's okay. Just take your pills. All right?
Then when you even out we can talk about trying something else, okay?
Okay.
I just-just wanna be a beautiful salad bowl.
You are a beautiful salad bowl.
-How're you doing? -A little better today.
-And, uh, I wanted to say sorry. -For what?
I don't know. "Being Diane"?
-Stop. -I let the stress get to me.
I should just call Princess Carolyn and tell her I need more time.
Yes. But before you do that... don't be mad.
Don't be mad about what?
If I tell you, will you be mad?
From the tone of this conversation, I'm guessing probably.
Okay, what you have to remember is that you were in a really dark place.
And the pressure from Princess Carolyn wasn't helping.
I thought if I could get her off your back for a few days...
What did you do?
[phone buzzing]
Guy, what did you do?
I sent her the Ivy Tran: Food Court Detective pages.
-What? -I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Okay?
-I made an executive decision! -You're not an executive!
I-I made a boyfriend decision! All right?
I made a "my girlfriend is a depressed, vomiting mess
and someone needs to make a decision" decision.
Ugh!
-Hello? No. -[Princess Carolyn] Loved it!
I love the protagonist, I love the world,
I love that it wasn't your sad memoir about your boring life.
What happened to "sad is the new fun"?
I didn't know you could write this fun! You gotta finish this thing.
I'm on pins and needles, and I'm not just saying that
-because I live with a porcupine. -Listen--
To the ka-ching, ka-ching of the middle-grade IP market? Done!
I slipped the pages to a few studios.
This has franchise potential. Franch potench.
But what I'm saying is that it doesn't, because that's not the book I'm writing.
-I'm hearing a maybe. -I'm not--
[groans]
Are we gonna have a Boston-style fight now?
[grunts]
[Ivy] Here's a mystery.
Why are you so sad-core?
-I don't know. -Just be fun and popular like me.
-I don't know how. -Sure, you do!
I'm clever and free-spirited and a little bit sardonic
but not so much that it's off-putting.
I have vulnerabilities like everybody else but just enough to make me relatable.
-That's the way to be. -It's not that easy.
Yeah, I know.
But wouldn't it be nice if it was?
-[Ruthie cooing] -Where's Princess Carolyn?
She said we should save her a seat. You still working on that memoir?
Well, funny story about that--
Oh, I love when stories start like that! Ooh! You should put this one in your book.
-Hello. Thank you. -[cheering]
Oh, wow. Thank you. That's very nice. Thank you.
Welcome to "An Evening of Modern American Scenes."
Oh, excuse me.
-[sighs] -We have to talk.
Shh. Diane!
-Don't be rude to the actors. -[scoffs]
For most of them, this'll be the height of their career.
[BoJack] Anyway, first up is a scene from Sam German-Shepard's "Real America."
[audience cheering]
[Kyle laughing] Char, hey, you gotta get in here!
This episode of "Birthday Dad" is an all-timer!
-Penny... -I wanted to get something.
[grunting]
[sighs] I don't feel good about what happened with those reporters.
-It's okay. -We didn't tell them... everything.
I tried to throw it out, but I couldn't.
I know that's messed up, but I think I look nice here.
Oh! You look beautiful.
I don't think that's the only reason I kept the photo, Mom.
It's all really confusing.
[Kyle] Charlotte! Birthday Dad just got trapped in a leap year!
-How's he gonna wriggle outta this one? -In a minute, honey!
Stuff happened to us, okay? And he's still out there.
-Penny-- -If we can get the word out,
-if-if people knew-- -It won't be just him in the story.
It'll be you and me. The mistakes we made.
Mistakes I made, that I will never forgive myself for.
But if we can help other people,
then it will have been for something, you know?
It won't just be this thing to feel bad about forever.
You don't know what's gonna happen with the story once it's out there.
You have no power over it.
And you just got your panic attacks under control.
Yeah, I know, but--
I love that you want to do what's right, but please just think about it, okay?
Just give it a couple days
and then if you still want to talk to them, you can call them.
[sighs]
Okay. Thank you.
You wanna stay and watch "Birthday Dad"?
-Stay the night? -No, I-I should go.
Okay. Yeah. I love you.
I love you, too.
[sighs]
[Kyle] Oh! Is that the International Date Line?
Don't go over the date line, Birthday Dad!
Because then it won't be your birthday anymore! [laughs]
[cheering]
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Come on, Todd, let's go.
But I wanna see if there's an after-credits scene.
-[Princess Carolyn] Talk soon, Diane. -Hey, wait a minute.
-[door opens, closes] -Princess Carolyn. [grunts]
Princess Carolyn, wait.
I understand you're trying to be helpful,
-in your own pushy, self-absorbed way. -Oh, thank you.
But I don't wanna write a middle-grade fiction detective series.
I think you do, though.
Because when I was reading it, I could tell you were having fun.
Yeah, but I'm not writing a book to have fun.
If I don't write my book of essays now, I never will!
So? Don't write your book of essays.
-I have to! -Why?
Because if I don't, that means that all the damage I got
isn't good damage, it's just damage.
I have gotten nothing out of it,
and all those years I was miserable was for nothing.
I could have been happy this whole time and written books about girl detectives
and been cheerful and popular and had good parents,
is that what you're saying? What was it all for?
I...
[sighs]
I don't know, Diane.
All I know is that this book about the girl detective is fun.
I liked it.
I like thinking that my daughter
could grow up in a world with books like that.
Or if my daughter's not a reader, a lucrative film adaptation.
When I was a little girl, I thought that everything,
all the abuse and neglect, it somehow made me special,
and I decided that one day I would write something
that would make little girls like me feel less alone.
And if I can't write that book...
Then...
Then maybe write this other book.
-Maybe this book does that, too. -Yeah?
-[Ruthie giggles] -[toy squeaks]
-Uh... Princess Carolyn? -What reporters?
BoJack?
Charlotte, I swear, I don't know what you're talking about.
[line disconnects]
[hyperventilating]
-Hey, man, great show. -What? Huh?
-Uh... [groans] -Oh, no!
BoJack! Oh!
♪ Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show ♪
-♪ I'm BoJack the horseman ♪ -♪ BoJack ♪
♪ BoJack the horseman Don't act like you don't know ♪
♪ And I'm trying to hold on to my past ♪
♪ It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last ♪
♪ I guess I'm just trying To make you understand ♪
♪ That I'm more horse than a man ♪
♪ Or I'm more man than a horse ♪ -♪ BoJack! ♪