Okay, big guy, you and me. We've never done this before,
but desperate times call for desperate measures.
- My name is Hank. - Hello, Hank.
I'm sorry, Sister. I was just tryin' to have
a little chat with your husband up there.
Is there something I can help you with?
No. I wouldn't want to bother a real, live person about it.
It wouldn't be a bother, Hank. That's why I'm here.
Here's the thing.
I'm having what you might call a crisis of faith.
Put it simply, I can't write. Which really kinda sucks
because I'm supposed to be a writer, and a professional one at that
and I can't seem to be able to produce so much as a Goddamn predicate.
Sorry. My apologies. I fucked up.
Again, I apologize.
Normally I would suggest a bunch of Our Father's or a couple Hail Mary's,
but I don't think that's gonna get it done.
What about a blow job?
A blowjob. Would that make you feel any better?
A blowjob from you?
Something tells me it's not gonna suck itself, Hank.
But you're a nun.
A totally fucking hot nun.
Sweet Baby Jesus, Hank is going to hell.
- Bad dream? - Uh, yeah. No, no, no.
It's hard to say, really.
You drifted off and I thought to myself
what's the nicest possible way I can wake up Mr. Hank here?
Kudos to you, because you stumbled upon one of the nicer ways.
You're nice to me, I'm nice to you.
It's very quid pro quo.
- What does that mean? - Never mind.
My husband has never given me an orgasm.
- Never? - Ever.
Does he, you know, go downtown, tour the southland?
- Never. - Go under the hood?
Yes, he has, but he made me take a shower first.
And then he spent 45 minutes trying to find my clit.
How'd he do?
I'm pretty sure he thinks it's on the bottom.
Near the vaginus? That's weird.
I can take a hint. Just so happen to have my GPS with me.
I've stored it up my ass.
Yours is on the bottom. I seem to have found something.
- And what the fuck is that? - That would be my husband.
Maybe I should hide under your clit. He'll never find me there.
Heather, whose piece of shit is that?
I should go. All I need to do is find my pants.
- What the fuck? - It's not what you think.
Where is he?
Mother fucker! Yeah, you. You gotta be kidding me.
What are you, like 60 or somethin', bro?
K-Fed. The little man in the boat? He's up here. Right here.
- Just let him go. - Are you kidding me?
- You guys work it out. - You're dead, man.
What the fuck? Son of a bitch!
What are you doing?
CALIFORNICATION
Series I Episode 1
Ladies. Daddy's trying out a new look.
What do you think?
Dad? Are you mentally insane?
Yes. But I'm extremely high functioning.
He's much like a special needs person that works at McDonalds.
Exactly. I'm late, and I'm sorry, and I'm not wearing any pants.
But I would like to invite you two ladies to join me take your pants off
and come with me to the pants off restaurant.
Sounds tempting. But I got plans. Okay?
Oh, must be date night.
Come on, Mom.
Oh, peanut. I can't, but enjoy your daddy time.
- Where's my kiss? - You're a really classy guy, Hank.
That's funny coming from you and all.
Who won that round?
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
Looks like a fun game.
- You think I made her laugh? - Sure. A little. On the inside.
- Yellow Submarine? - Pirates.
- Again? - Johnny Depp is hot.
I concur, but wouldn't you rather expand your cinematic horizons
and pick a film that's based on a piece of literature
and not a theme park ride? Pirates it is.
Why don't you try my room? Johnny Depp.
Hey honey, I don't think I have any sushi take-out.
I got the House of Chow, which is Chinese.
- Father? - Daughter?
- Can I ask you something? - Anything, my love.
Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom?
You wait right there, okay?
There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's okay?
I'll check.
What are ya doing?
- I thought I'd surprise you. - You surprised my daughter.
I'm so sorry. I should've called, but obviously...
You know what, I'm sorry.
- Really? - Yes.
Maybe we should think about cooling things off a little bit.
Or not. Either way. I'm easy.
God, you are amazing, Hank.
You spent all this time sweet talking me into the sack,
but now that you've exacted your revenge, you're done with me.
What are you talking about?
Please do not make it like it wasn't the least bit satisfying
to fuck the wife of the man who turned your precious little book
into a big shitty movie.
Now that you put it that way.
What other way is there to put it, Hank?
Now that you put it that way, there is no other way to put it.
Shut up! God, just shut up. And you know what?
By the way, the truth is the movie is much better than the book.
So, not only are you a cadaverous lay you also have shitty taste in movies.
Oh, hi. Thank you.
Cheers.
Is this the new girlfriend?
I wish we could take him with us.
Why don't you get your stuff together, honey.
- Don't yell at him. - I'm not gonna yell at him. Much.
What?
I know that look. That's the look that shrivels me testes.
12 year old finds naked slut in dad's bedroom.
- Are you still feeling cute? - Oh, she mentioned that, huh?
- Yes, she mentioned that. - So, what, you're jealous?
You are so lucky that I don't take away the little custody you do have.
Bill tried to convince me...
You're getting legal advice from you boyfriend, Bill, now. Sweet.
- Don't start, okay? - You started when you cheated on me.
I did not cheat on you.
In what universe is fucking someone when you're married to somebody else
not cheating?
The one in which you were never married.
That is a bullshit technicality.
You never asked. You didn't wanna be that guy.
You didn't wanna join the herd. That's what I dug about you.
Imagine my fuckin' disappointment when you turned out to be
the biggest cliché of all. Sittin' there googling yourself.
I googled myself, but I never cheated on you. Never.
Cheating isn't just about fucking someone, Hank.
I got a dictionary in there that would differ with you.
Bill and I didn't even touch each other until we were dead and buried.
Are you trying to make me throw up now?
You're out there sticking your dick in anything that moves
trying to get back at me. Which is fine.
Do you know what the worst thing is? You're not writing.
You have this incredible talent, and you're flushing it down the toilet.
Maybe you're right. No maybes. You are right.
I'm fucked up right now. I need help. I do.
I need you. Baby.
I'm getting married. He asked, and I said yes.
Why the fuck would you do somethin' like that?
Because I love him.
- No, you don't. - Yes, I do.
- You don't. - How do you know?
Cause he's a fucking dial tone. He's everything you said you never wanted.
I'm sure he means well. I may be fucked up right now,
but I can see it. He's not the guy for you.
- How do you know that? - Because I know you.
- Don't I get some say in this? - No.
Are you sure, because it seems like I should. Maybe.
I guess that's it then. Okay. Alright, well.
Best of luck in all your future endeavors.
Thank you.
G'night, honey. Please don't use the word vagina around me again.
Let me know where you're registered.
That's so sweet.
Don't let the door hit you on your soon to be huge ass on the way out.
A CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE
Talk to me.
Hey, baby. What's up? No, I'm at the movies.
Come on buddy. Gimme a break.
I called the house. I talked to your mother.
- What the fuck, man? - What's up, baby girl?
No, the asshole your calling's gonna have to call you back.
Sometime after the movie.
Gimme the phone. You don't touch the phone.
Stupid guy.
Don't do it.
Baby. I'm sorry, but some stupid guy takes the phone from me.
He freaks out like he's Mel Gibson. Forget about it.
You know who I am. I don't care if I'm at the cinema.
What the fuck, man?
Next time, put it on vibrate, homey.
Fuckin' turn it off.
God forbid you should miss a fuckin' call. Dick.
- Mother fucker! - Piece of shit.
GOD HATES US ALL
What are you doin'?
What do you mean? You were calling me over.
I was totally ambivalent.
You better get up, because my boyfriend will be back any second.
- You're a weird chick. - I am. I'm also just kidding.
- Have a seat, please. - What if I don't want to now?
Fine. Your loss. Why the hell would I want to get to know a guy
who's so in love with himself that he stays in bookstores
reading his own work.
If you're under the impression that I'm in love with myself
it's possible that you are higher than me right now.
Is someone battling some low self-esteem?
- Oh, you have no idea. - Poor baby.
- My name is Hank. - I know. Mia.
- Nice to meet you, Mia. - Likewise.
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
- Did you see that movie? - Yeah.
- And what did you think? - Honestly?
Yes. Brutal truth.
It really sucked. The director ruined it, and he should be shot.
I took care of him already.
So, you're like this famous writer.
Hardly. More like a one hit wonder.
Now I'm definitely, for sure not going to sleep with you.
- Are you gonna come? - I don't see why not.
I'm happy to report that Becca is a delightful student.
Smart, inquisitive, full of life.
I sense a big, hairy but lurking somewhere around the corner.
This is my life. Can you take those off?
No, it's okay. He's right. But, I'm slightly worried
about her emerging sexuality.
Oh, thank God. She's a lesbian.
What are you talking about?
We can all agree, by and large, that men are assholes.
I am happy that she prefers the fairer sex.
It looks like we're the proud parents of a lesbian daughter.
Up high. Celebrate. Come on, don't leave me hangin'.
You're ashamed of our gay daughter?
What happened to your eye?
Hold on a second here, folks. Becca is not a lesbian.
- She's not? - Based on what I've seen, no.
Then why are we discussing her sexuality?
Because it seems she very recently discovered the attention of boys.
- She's beautiful. - She takes after her mother.
The make-up and the slutty clothes.
I caught her making out with this boy last week and he...
- Was what? - Feeling her up.
She's twelve. There's nothing there to feel.
I don't see why we should put a negative spin on this.
She's growing up. It's natural.
- I'll talk to her. - No, I will.
No, because your gonna lose your shit and make everything worse.
You'll talk to her, she'll wind up pregnant and then everything
will be fine and fuckin' dandy.
Oh my God. You're such a fuckin' asshole.
I only bring it up, because when I told her it was
inappropriate behavior, she said, how else do you get boys to like you?
I have an offer for you.
Forgive me, I haven't heard that one in awhile.
Don't get too excited.
I wish you would've said that
before all the blood started rushing to my cock.
Thank you for that image. Are you familiar with HelLA magazine?
Hell no.
They would like you to blog for them.
Fuck me. Must be my trick ear, but I thought you said blog.
The good people at HelLA are very interested in your thoughts
on the battle between the sexes in this adopted city of yours.
Do you have a gun?
I did have a very hot dream about a nun the other night.
- Gave me a blowjob. - There you go. A nun and a blowjob.
- This is excellent. - You think?
Doesn't take Freud to figure it out, but...
Have we established that you have a certain predilection
for the company of unavailable women?
- No. - I've established it.
And what would be the ultimate manifestation of such a fetish?
Perhaps getting a blowjob from a woman who is married to God.
Can't it just be that it's naughty?
What the fuck is going on with you, man?
- How are you? - I'm fine.
I'm disgusted with my life and myself, but I'm not unhappy.
- How are you? - Excellent.
As your friend and agent, may I simply suggest that you try
to start looking for a nice girl.
I wouldn't even know what to say to a nice girl at this point.
Seeing as you're ten seconds away from having dinner with one
you better figure something out.
- I'm naughty too. - No, you're a mother fucker.
- So, Hank. - Meredith.
- You're a writer. - Once upon a time I was. Yeah.
In a little place they like to call New York City.
- I've heard of it. - He's still a writer.
A great writer.
No. That's where you're wrong. You know writers write.
That's what they do. Me? Not so much. Nothin'. Nada.
Have you written anything I might've read?
That depends on whether or not you read Meredith.
- I read, Hank. - Excellent.
Most recently, I gave man birth to a weighty tome
called God Hates Us All. It's a catchy title, no?
Which was subsequently turned into a movie called...
Crazy Little Thing Called Love.
The one with Tom and Katie? I loved that.
- That was such a sweet movie. - You liked it?
Congrats, Hank. You must be really proud.
Like you wouldn't believe.
Meredith, tell me about yourself.
- What would you like to know? - Just the cliff notes would be fine.
I don't know, Hank. You seem to have me all figured out.
- Why don't you give it a try. - I can't do that.
Why don't we order something. Some wine.
Getting your asshole bleached, would be much more fun.
- Is there a waiter? - I don't think you want me to do that.
I do. Tell me a little bit about myself.
That's what writers do. They make up stuff. It'll be fun.
I think you were born in the Valley. Nice part, though.
Hidden Hills, Calabasas, something like that.
Your father was middle management. White collar executive.
Stay at home mom. You didn't wanna stray too far to go to college
so you went to USC. Or UCLA?
No, SC. You had a serious boyfriend in college.
You broke up right after. He married the next one.
You got a low maintenance gig in the human resources industry.
You had a string of bad relationships. You put on weight.
You saw your friends starting to get married
so you decided to lose the weight.
You joined a gym, you got addicted, maybe did a little running.
You say you wanna work, maybe start your own party planning business?
You fancy yourself kind of a poor gal's Martha Stuart.
But what you really want to do is sit at home on the couch
with some poor sap watching reality TV while he watches you get fat again.
Now, you're giving me that look right now.
Like I finger-banged your cat. But what you really think is,
if I manage to get outta here in the next ten or 15 minutes
I could still make it home in time to watch America's Next Top Model
which I have Tivo'd, I swear to God. That show is fierce.
- You're a real prick. - Guilty as charged.
I thought she liked me. I thought it was going well.
Sweet.
- She did ask for it. - Totally. And she got it.
Go home, honey. Sleep it off. Tomorrow's another day.
- What's wrong? - I thought you were gonna hit me.
- Why? - Uh, no reason.
As you were.
- Defile me. - Right on.
Not the best time, no.
Shit. Okay, I'll be right there.
- Are you kidding me? - Consider yourself defiled.
You're an asshole.
- Where? - Somewhere up in the Palisades.
Please.
- Who'd she go with? - Bill's daughter.
I didn't know hr had a daughter. How old?
Sixteen.
- You let Becca hang out with her? - She's a good kid.
She's called to tell me Becca was in trouble.
What?
- You smell like pussy. - Thank you.
- That's fucked. - As you were.
No.
I hate you.
- I guess I deserved it. - No one deserves that.
- You wanna come in? - What about the lord of the manor?
- He's outta town. - Sure.
Wash the pussy off.
Okay. That happened.
It was gonna happen sooner or later.
You think I was wrong?
No, you did what I wanted to do, which doesn't make it right.
I just reacted. Just picked her up.
You've always been a walking id, Hank.
Which, oddly enough, is the title of my next novel.
- What next novel? - Let's just talk about Becca.
But it's all kinda the same thing.
You called me.
Your daughter was in trouble. I thought you should know.
You were alone and you freaked and you wanted me to handle it.
I want you in my life, Hank.
You're still in love with me and you wanna have
ten thousand more of my babies.
It's because what happens to Becca is our responsibility
and like it or not, we're tied to each other for life.
- Minus the obvious... - Sexual benefits.
You seem to have that pretty well covered right now.
Don't sell yourself short.
Our problems did not extend to the bedroom.
We just kinda sucked at everything else.
We were great once, and you know it.
- What are you doing? - Marry me.
- What? - Don't marry him. Marry me.
- Hank, don't fuck with me. - I'm not. I don't work without you.
I get it. You want your muse back.
You'll save me, and I'll save you. I fucked up. I think we fucked up
in matters big and small, and I never asked you.
I'm asking you now. Marry me.
You so wanna get with me right now.
- I'm so sorry. Are you okay? - Yeah.
This is Mia, Bill's daughter, and this is Hank.
- You two know each other? - No.
I do recognize you. Sure I do.
No.
From your book. Your picture's on the back.
- How is she? - She hates us. She's fine.
That was really cool what you did tonight.
It's nice to see some good old-fashioned family values
in this morally bankrupt city of ours.
I'm all about the family values.
- What happened to your eye? - What did happen to your eye, Hank?
- You should see the other guy. - I hope she doesn't press charges.
It's not a she. It's a he. The other guy.
Whatever, I'm off to bed. Goodnight.
- It was nice to meet you, Hank. - Nice to meet you too.
- She seems nice. - She's great. She's a good kid.
- How old might she be? - She's sixteen.
- Sixteen. - I know what you're thinking.
I don't think you do.
Gimme a break.
Your jaw was practically on the fucking floor, Hank.
- You're such a dirty old man. - No, I'm not.
I'm just fucking with you.
Goodbye.
Fuck.
Subtitling MONICA REU
CALIFORNICATION Series I, episode 1