Previously...
- No kiss? - I'm through with that.
You have been a very naughty little smurf. Bi-curious, are we?
He started it. Spanking his assistant. It's very sweet, actually.
I wanna learn from you. I wanna be an agent.
First, you systematically destroy my marriage.
I know about everything.
And now you want me to help with your career.
I don't think you heard me. I wrote something.
- Hank wrote a book? Can I read it? - I don't think that's appropriate.
Can I help you?
I wrote a novel and I was wondering if Charlie would read it.
What's it about?
A 16-year-old girl fucks a much older man
and finds herself both spiritually and sexually awakened.
- Dad, are you okay? - No. But I'm working on it!
This book is gonna be huge.
Are you having second thoughts, questioning things?
I question everything. It's very healthy.
I just think you can't run off and marry a guy
after making sweet love to yours truly.
We had women that loved us for who we were and we fucked up.
Ain't life fuckin' grand?
- You look great, mom. - Thank you sweety.
I guess you are going with the more liberal interpretation
of the whole white wedding concept.
You think I can go braless? Sorry, I didn't know we have
a gentleman at our presents.
Only if you go with the more liberal interpretation
of the whole gentleman concept.
As exciting as it is to be behind the scene of the girls' locker
right before the big game, I'm gong to take my leave.
Oh, shit. I think my dad's coming.
He was supposed to be playing raquetball.
Get that thing off. The groom must not see you
in the dress just before the wedding, that's bad luck.
You know what's worse luck? Getting married, itself.
Two out of three end in divorce, sometimes more. Three out of tow.
God...
- You look lovely. - Thank you.
Uncomfortable coming from you, but, you know what? Oat meal!
Thank you, Daddy.
You should have see the dress Karen had on, just now, she had...
It was like, here... and in the back...
- You're home early. - I've played here, at Greenburg.
- I've bagled them. - Ironically.
One day, you and me, Bill, mano a mano,
we're gonna play the real tennis, not that sissy kind.
'70s style, wood rackets, knee socks, plum smugglers.
- But not today, because I gotta go. - Dad?
- You can't. Remember? - No, what?
- I have to talk to you and mom. - Really? What about, sweety?
- Family stuff. - We are family or we will be soon!
I should say what I feel? No matter what?
Absolutely. Always.
I want to live with dad. I'll still visit you and stuffs,
I just wanna live most of the time with dad.
That's the first I've heard of this.
Becca? Have you thought this through?
Becca! Shit!
Bill...
And then there were two...
I'm gonna need some help getting out of this dress.
And then there was one.
CALIFORNICATION
Series I Episode 11
Thank you.
Uncle Runkle! Sorry, I'm late, I just...
- You just what? - That's all I got!
- I do have some news, though. - Delight me!
- Becca is moving back in with me. - No shit!
- Poor Karen, she must be... - Devastated.
That's brutal.
The good news is, though, that as of today you
and your extensive porn collection are moving into the Four Season.
Fantastic.
I booked you a room in the "husbands who've been kicked to the curb
by their lesbian wives" wing.
Next to the "young actresses fresh into town" wing. Am I correct?
I don't know the layout of the hotel.
That is news, boy... I'll miss the camaraderie,
but that stain in your bedroom was really starting to unnerve me.
You inspired that stain, you cunnilinguist, you.
Job well done.
What were you doing in my bedroom, you perv?
Looking for some fucking words I can sell.
Good luck.
How come you never told me Bill's Lolita of a daughter was a writer?
I don't use that term loosely. Everybody says they're a writer here.
I'll give her "budding wordsmith".
She's bloomed, pal. Dani's dripping wet over this manuscript of hers.
She insists that I pump it, launch her agenting career,
or she's gonna hit me with a sexual harassment suit.
Charlie, I'm sorry. Get me a front row seat to the trial.
I'd like to be behind you in all the courtroom sketches.
You're such a good friend.
You fuck around with your assistant, you're gonna get screwed.
There's only a few things that could happen, all of them bad.
You're gonna get threatened, sued. You can get divorced.
But do I get any credit for all the assistants I didn't fuck?
No, that's an injustice.
I get no credit for all the dicks I do not suck.
- Check, please. - Then again, I don't know.
If Mia turns out to really be talented,
then I could pump this till I'm blue in the face.
No harm no foul. Am I right there?
She might have some talent, from the little I have seen.
What is this thing about?
This coverage makes it sound really fuckin' hot.
There's this young woman who's bangin' this older guy,
and at one point she hauls off and punches him right in the face.
That's pretty ballsy right there, right?
I don't know what else happens, but that's one scene.
Motherfucker.
"Fucking & punching".
This is beyond ballsy.
Where are you...
Okay, then.
What the fuck?
I guess you didn't hear me knocking.
That's why I let myself in... I figured you'd probably
be out here in this general vicinity, unable to hear me knocking.
Out by the pool, kickin' it after school?
School doesn't get out till 3:00.
You need to get on top of that kind of shit.
Is that universal? 'Cause I was over at Mia's school that day,
and it was very progressive, like maybe they were't that strict.
There's no one here. I'm all on my own in my big, empty house,
just like I will be when you take my daughter away from me.
Come on, honey. I had nothing to do with that.
- You didn't put her up to it? - Of course not. Why would I do that?
To embarrass me. To score some big fucking victory over Bill.
- Your usual shit. - No. I wouldn't do that.
So she just came up with it all by herself?
The system that's been working for us since we split up,
that's not working anymore? I want to live with dad.
- I don't want to live with mom. - She's a teenager.
I think the word you're looking for is mercurial.
I would never fuck with her head like that. Yours, yes.
I can be a dick like that sometimes. But hers, never.
Not in a million years.
- Well, okay. - What do you mean, okay?
Okay, I believe you. But it's not gonna make any difference.
It doesn't make it any easier for me.
I know, but if you think about it in practical terms,
it just means, a couple extra nights a week. It's not a big...
Don't do that. I don't need your fucking sympathy, Hank, okay?
Get out of my house, 'cause I don't wanna see you right now!
- Where's Ilsa, she-wolf of the SS? - Excuse me?
- Where's Dani? - She's in a meeting with mr. Runkle.
- And you are? - Going in there.
Look at the time, the big hand says fuck
and the little hand says off.
I need to talk to you, and you, and you need to get out, and you...
You, I don't need to talk to, but I know you.
- Hello, Victoria. - Well, so formal.
"Tricky vicky" he used to call me back in the day.
Where the hell have you been, Hank Moody?
Haven't you owed me a book since the good guy was in office?
It's been seven years, thanks for asking.
It's coming along swimmingly. Spell-checking as we speak.
- I need to have a chat with you. - I'm in the middle of a meeting.
It won't take long.
Hank, do you think you two could do this
after the meeting that Victoria flew in from New York for?
We should straighten it out now.
We have a bunch more set up for later. We don't want them to stack up.
- Thank you, Dani. I can handle this. - Handle it, then.
Looks like you've got a live one there, Runkle.
Hank, have a seat. We can talk about "Chinese democracy" when I'm done
talking with the publishing sensation.
I don't know if you're aware, but this young woman's written
what could be the book of the year.
Is that right?
Have I ever been wrong about this shit? It's fantastic.
It's like your early stuff. Not so juvenile.
Not so many lame boner jokes.
I have a lame boner right now for justice.
And if you won't give me a private sidebar right now,
maybe there's something you'd like to say to these good people?
What might they be interested in hearing?
Come on, Mia. Just out with it.
Wait. I know what I could say. Thank you, Hank.
Thank you for giving me notes and helping me with this.
It's been a dream come true. To have your favorite writer
in the world help you on your first... novel.
Hank, you're so sweet.
That's the way you want to play it?
What do you want me to do, blow you, Hank? That would be untoward.
My god, look at the potty mouth on this one. I love it.
She'd be great with the press.
Like Elizabeth Vurtzel... with talent.
Okay, Hank. Let's go. What the fuck is the matter with you?
What do you have, epilepsy, Asperger's, Tourette's?
Good to see you, Hank. Good luck with the spell-check.
- I need to talk to you, Charlie. - I will talk to you later.
You can't pack her lunch for the next six months.
I'm just packing it for tomorrow because I figured
if I get all the sandwiches in for tomorrow, then, if he forgets,
it's okay 'cause she has sandwiches for every day of the week.
Stop stressing. Come here.
Is Mia back from her meeting yet?
- What meeting? - She met with Charlie.
She's trying to get one of her stories published. Isn't that great?
I haven't read it, but my father's intuition says it's pretty special.
I'm sure it is.
- Have you signed the papers yet? - God. No, honey. Sorry. I forgot.
- I've been a little preoccupied. - I know. Let's go.
We're gonna take a look at this. Nah, this is important stuff.
We have our prenup, we have our wills.
Don't you care about Becca's trust fund?
Yeah... no. Bill, I don't care.
All I care about is Becca leaving me.
- Us. She's not leaving us. - You know, she's moving out.
She doesn't want to live here anymore.
I can't tell what's worse...
whether she doesn't know she's ripping my heart out,
or whether she does know, but she just doesn't care.
Honey, it's a phase. She sees Mia acting so independently,
she probably wants to see what that feels like,
so she's doing the only thing she can to assert herself.
Like getting away from me?
Like I'm the wicked witch of the west?
It's not about that, trust me. As soon as her father lets her down,
she'll be begging you to bring her back home, I promise.
We're talking about Hank, here. How long can that take?
He'll probably disappoint her on the car ride home and have to turn around.
Don't make me laugh, 'cause I'm trying to wallow, okay?
Thank you ever so kindly.
So you had your fun and then you told them the truth, right?
Told them what, Hank?
I'd appreciate your particular brand of humor a lot more
if you weren't fucking around with my life.
And you haven't fucked around in mine at all?
I know it was an accident. How could you possibly have known?
The simple fact remains, you fucked me and you didn't want to have
anything to do with me. That doesn't sit well with the ladies.
So this is your revenge? You're some kind of feminist caped crusader?
We all pay for our sins sooner or later, Hank.
Thank you. How'd you get a hold of it?
It was just sitting there all unappreciated and shit,
and I asked Karen if I could read it.
And she said no.
She was afraid that I would get corrupted in some way.
I'm sure.
I wonder what'd she think if she knew I that had your dick in my mouth.
But I digress.
I took it to Kinko's and settled in for what was truly a great read.
It's so good, Hank. A really great first draft.
You're gonna get caught. People are gonna recognize my writing.
No, I covered my tracks. I added little bits of me when I re-typed it.
It's not really so much an outright theft as a mash-up.
An homage, if you will. From me to you.
You are a very young sociopath-in-training.
That's like Satan calling one of his junior minions a big meanie.
I never set out to hurt you, Mia.
What else is out there for me?! College, going to Europe,
working at an agency, a network, a studio?
Boring! This has been fun.
I never intended to be famous, but I like being the center of attention.
It feels just like I thought it would, totally fucking great.
But it's gonna go away.
We just got offers from Victoria Newsome and Little Brown,
but I think Random House is gonna blow them out of the water.
I didn't even know they were... Did I miss these calls?
I didn't see messages.
I didn't think it was worth bothering you about.
Some kahlua with your coffee? We seem to be all out of champagne.
The TV people drank it all when they sold Slut Wars into syndication.
- No, thank you. - Don't mind if I do.
It's been a great ride, Charlie Runkle.
We proved sex and the workplace can mix, subverted dominant paradigms,
and from a feminist standpoint, we're about to launch a major female writer.
She was great, wasn't she? She was poised, she was funny.
She had them eating out of her hand, looking up her skirt at the same time.
That is quite a feat.
The girl's gonna sell 5 million copies based on the jacket photo alone.
And did you see how completely unfazed she was by Hank?
No offense, he's a cool guy, but it was kind of pathetic.
I have a little bit of a headache.
I'm just gonna lie down here for a while.
You rest, I'll take the calls.
- Here's the last of your T-shirts. - Thanks.
You can always bring your stuff home, for me to wash
on the weekends or whenever.
I know.
'Cause your dad'll probably just buy you new clothes
when the old ones get dirty. That would be his solution.
Mom, I know.
You know...
Shit, you're not taking everything, are you?
No. Just the essentials.
I'm gonna let you guys give her a hand, yeah?
Mom?
You and me... I was thinking next Saturday
we could go to the Getty. Just us.
That'd be great. I'd love that, sweetie.
And so it begins. The non-custodial parent time.
Not the dark side of the moon. I might want to borrow that one.
- It's way too small for you. - That's why I like it.
Whatever.
I was just teasing. That's what sisters do.
They borrow clothes, talk about boys, conspire against the parental units.
It's not gonna be any fun here without you.
- Was it fun before? - True.
But you're not gonna have that problem anymore living with your dad.
Sure. It'll be a hoot.
Like taking Kafka to the Third Street promenade.
- You're not even excited a little? - I suppose.
I would be stoked. 'Cause your dad, he's a riot.
He's totally awesome.
I'm not going to live with my dad because it's fun.
I'm going because I have to. I don't know if you've noticed,
but your dad is about to marry my mom.
- Yeah, so? - So it's really happening.
He can't pretend anymore that it's not.
And whatever miraculous thing he thought was going to happen
with the writing, that thing he wrote back home in New York
that was going to be the redemption of the soul?
Obviously that's not happening either.
- I guess not... - So, it's official.
Rock bottom. The death of hope.
Can't leave him alone now. The man's got nothing.
That's not entirely true. He has got you.
He shall be so lucky.
Loved your new novel.
I knew from the first page.
Strange too, is like 1987,
I went to this party with Bret Easton Ellis
I asked him who the good young writer were.
He showed me that short story of yours.
I had the same feeling when I read it
like this person and I are connected somehow.
Like we are gonna do something special together.
I'm just overjoyed that you saw me in there somewhere.
You're all over it. But listen, I gotta ask.
Since you always tend to write exactly what you know...
What's the fucking deal?
You've done some fucked up shit in your time, but...
- I didn't think you do that. - Not knowingly.
She tricked you into it? I find that hard to believe.
She was in a book store and she was reading my book.
That's always a great conversation starter from me and...
She was cute, and flirty. I was just right for that moment.
The self loathing was strong in me that night.
I didn't know she was Bill's daughter and I thought she was in college.
- Maybe older... I was wrong. - Jesus Christ!
- How we get ourselves into this one? - Thank you for saying we.
I'll do whatever you want me to do.
I'll take it off the counter, you say the word.
- Are there offers? - Many.
Then I'm fucked. If I say anything, if I do anything about this shit
there's no telling what she's gonna do.
There's no stopping her for telling Karen or Bill or Becca.
- Fuck, the police! - Fuck the police!
Expecting someone?
Let me get that.
Good evening, ladies.
I should get going. Call me later. The Four Seasons.
Good night.
I'm gonna go put my stuff there.
- I'm sorry. - About what?
You won.
Not if you're this upset. I didn't win a goddamn thing.
I hate to see you this sad, ever. Except after sex with Bill.
This is a smile. A small smile.
But a smile nonetheless, I'll take it.
Don't worry mom, I'll be fine.
I know, that's not you I'm worried about.
I know. But first of all, this is not goodbye.
Just think of it as me at the road with the band
playing a few out of town gigs.
Plus you get a break from my noisy guitar.
But I love your noisy guitar.
I would say take care of her
but I think she's probably gonna take better care of you.
I don't disagree.
Call me if you need anything. Anything at all.
- I love you, honey. - I love you too.
- She's highly emotional that one. - All the good ones are.
Take a picture. It will last longer.
Are you okay? You seem depressed.
- More than usual? - Yes... I sense these things.
I'm peachy.
Trust me.
Hey, Bill...
Honey, Bill...
Subtitling MONICA REU
CALIFORNICATION I, episode 11