Previously...
How come you never told me Bill's daughter was a writer?
This young woman's written what could be the book of the year.
She gonna sell five million copies based on the jacket photo alone.
- People will recognize my writing. - I covered my tracks.
I added little bits of me when I re-typed it.
You've done some fucked up shit in your time.
- But I didn't think you'd do that. - Not knowingly.
- I'll take it off the counter. - Are there offers?
- Many. - I'm fucked.
Baby, come on. We were taking a break.
- Are you serious about marrying Bill? - Yes.
What about Hank?
- Are you questioning things? - I question everything. It's healthy.
I just think you can't run off and marry a guy
after making sweet love to yours truly.
If anyone knows of a reason why this couple should not wed,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
What up?
Wait, hold on, stop. One minute. Time out.
Since you're bringing it up, there's something I'd like to express.
I just wanna put on the table. Karen, I've got a car.
There's more. You just say the word now
and I pull it around front. You get in, we grab the Becca, off we go.
Bill, I'm sorry you're not invited, there's not much of a back seat.
What do you say, Karen? It's not too late.
It's never too late.
- Are you okay? - Sweety...
Yeah, just a bad dream.
Better get moving. Wedding is at three.
I laid out your clothes. There's coffee.
Oh, happy day.
CALIFORNICATION
Series I Episode 12
... goes around the fucking left.
Oh, my God, honey. You look so beautiful.
- Dad? It happened.. - What happened?
- "It". - "It" what?
- The "it". - Oh, "it". Shit!
I'm so sorry, sweetheart I should have been set up
for such a momentous event in the life of a young woman.
I should have some kit prepared. Are you okay?
It's me, Becca, I'm fine. I'm not going to die,
I've just got my period.
- Can we keep moving? - Yeah.
- Oh, dear. I kinda need those. - I probably need 'em more than you.
- Let me buy 'em off you. - No.
- Can I buy a couple? - Hell, no.
Let me just buy a couple of Tampons from you.
- I can't buy one Tampon? - I won't sell you one Tampon.
I can't buy one Tampon from you? Do you have any cash?
Why don't you try another store? They make a lot of this things.
I know, but I'm in a big hurry. I got somewhere to be.
I need those, actual Tampons.
- Bye now. - Lady, you're not very nice.
If I was in the market, for say adult diapers
and some poor incontinent soul walk by who obviously needed them
a lot more than I do, I'd surrender those diapers.
Good to know, asshole.
- Honey, are you okay? - This guy's been a total dick.
He's trying to steal my tampons.
Why you wanna steal a woman's Tampons?
I wasn't trying to steal them, I was trying to buy 'em from her.
What the fuck you wanna buy my wife's tampons for?
You two are a charming couple. Have you been together long?
Are you looking to get your ass kicked?
Normally I'd say: "Go for it. Kick his ass."
But we're running out of time here, Dad.
Sweety, you're right. When you're right, you're right.
Let's blow this popcicle. Enjoy the shit out of your tampons.
Thanks a lot.
Go, Becca!
You're open, yes.
Jesus.
- She's the one who needs them? - Oh, no. They are for me.
I like to use 'em as ears plugs.
- First time? - First time.
- Where's your mother? - She's gettin' married today.
We're on the way to the wedding.
She's not married to your father, what a surprise!
- Do you need some help, sweety? - It's not a terrible idea, honey.
- I'm sorry. - What you gonna do?
When it comes to the woman I love I don't think, I just act.
- I messed you up. - No, it's cool.
I'm sorry.
- Am I good? How's the hair? - It's good.
Hey, Dad.
Where's Karen? Cold feet?
It's very sweet of you honey, very supportive.
Don't worry. You throw a couple drinkie poos in there,
a roofie or two she's not going anywhere.
You're lucky I have a very sophisticated sense of humor.
You'll miss my dark side when I'm criss-crossing the nation
on my book tour.
- About your book. - You read it? What did you think?
I wanted to say this after we get back from the honeymoon, but...
I can't, in good conscience, let you publish it,
not giving the kind of national climate.
- What the fuck are you talking about? - Mia, watch your language.
Where is this coming from?
Believe it or not, I'm fairly successful at what I do.
And something calledbr/"Fucking & Punching",
by my 16 years old daughter, might bring me some undesirable attention.
You can't do this. It's my book, I wrote it,
I can do whatever the fuck I want.
You wanna test me? I'm in business with half of these publishers.
If I wanna make something go away, it goes away.
It's this what this is about? Your reputation?
The content is a little unsettling.
The whole thing reeves like some teenage girl's fantasy
about with having an a affair with some depraved asshole
who bears and striking resemblance to my least favourite American novelist.
What makes you think it's fantasy?
- Take it. - No!
I can't get high on my wedding day. Are you insane?
- Yes, you can! Yes, I did! - And look how it ended up.
You're aware that once you say "I do", it's gonna be you
and Bill's baby arm for the rest of your life.
Can you handle that shit?
A baby arm is very big Marcy. That's gonna hurt.
Especially in the ass. Has Bill requested the ass yet?
- No, and he's not gonna get it. - Not even on his wedding night?
You don't deny your man the ass. You give it to him.
Because once he knows he can have it
he ain't gonna want that shit anymore. Believe that!
The ass is always greater.
Seriously, though, I think you're doing the right thing.
You're so fucking full of shit! You hated him.
Last week you said, he made your flavor shrivel.
My labia... sorry!
No one is a bigger hater than me, but Bill is a good guy.
He's a man of substance. He's not a lost boy.
'Cause believe me, once you see the love of your life hit in the face
with another woman's ejaculate your perspective changes.
It fucks you up. You loose your innocence. It's fucked up.
I slept with Hank.
Either I'm really fucking stoned, or you just told me that you fucked Hank.
His dad'd just died, so...
- You're such a slut! - I know.
- Was it good? - Yeah. It was sad.
Like "cumming and crying" sad or like "dirty and shameful" sad?
I don't know.
No, you stupid bitch! You gonna fuck your make-up!
Oh, happy thoughts!
What up, Runkle?
- Pace yourself young lady. - Why? I'm fucked.
My Dad won't let me publishbr/"Fuckin' & Punching".
National climate and what not...
I don't know what you're talking about, national climate and what not,
but that's a good news.
You got what's coming to you, after all.
- What do you know about it? - I know you fucked and punched him.
Set him up, stole his book.
What you gonna do about that? Spank me?
- You ladies talk about everything. - Just stuff worth talking about.
- How long it takes to drop that one? - Two sips of a soya macchiato.
But I knew there was some kink in you. I could tell!
You're looking to get a little of that, now?
You realize you're hitting on a teenage girl.
- I thought that was your thing. - Gross!
It all worked out for the best. Hank gets his book back
and you get the crawl back to the hole from where you came.
Fuck that, Runkle. Say not over till it's over.
You. Lilliputian, you are going with me.
- Don't scratch it. - And you, she wants to talk to you.
- You had sex with her! - She told you?
She told me.
And you gotta hit that shit again. Give her some of that daddy dick.
Fuck her into doing the right thing, here.
There is something seriously wrong with you.
- Are you stoned? - Don't be harsh.
- You're freaking me out! - Behave yourself.
You look incredible.
Except for the make-up which is a little vulgarish.
If that's what you're going for... I don't know, is it?
Shut up. What took you so long, where is she?
There was bad traffic on the PCH.
- You're so full of... - No, and Becca got her period.
She did?
Yeah, makes perfect sense that happened on my watch.
My God, how is she? What did you do?
I handled the fuck out of that shit.
You showed her how to...
God, no. There was this very nice lady at the supermarket
that helped us out.
- Jesus Christ, Hank! - What?
Fuck! It wasn't supposed to be like this.
I wasn't supposed to be marrying some other guy.
You weren't supposed to flush your fucking career down the toilet.
And Becca wasn't suppose to start her period and some strange woman
show her to use the tampon for the first time.
All those things that weren't suppose to happen...
they happened. What happens next is up to you.
- I'm going through with it, Hank. - Then go through with it, Karen.
- I can't cancel, is not simple. - I'm not asking you to.
I'm not gonna make some grand gesture to ruin your wedding day.
- You're not? You promise? - I promise.
Good luck out there!
And if anyone knows any reason why these two should not be wed
please speak now or forever hold your peace.
Over here!
Mia, what are you doing?
I was told to speak now or forever hold my peace.
Is that just bullshit?
This could be interesting.
I just don't think that I can fully endorse this union.
Get a load of the balls on this chick!
I told you we should cut this part from the ceremony, it's antiquated.
Let her speak. Mia, come on.
First of all... You two don't even love each other!
You don't even know what love is!
- I love your Dad, of course I do! - Karen, all due respect...
Gimme a fucking break! You're still in love with Hank.
And you should be. Obviously he's the guy for you.
- I am so fucking high right now. - Dad! I want you to be happy!
You totally deserve it! You got a bummed deal.
You loved someone with your whole heart. I know you did!
And she died on you. That's sucks.
But you gotta get real, you can't just play house!
It's good. Hold on!
If you marry Karen, you're always gonna be staring
down the barrel of Hank.
- Let's take a little walk! - You'd like that.
I love to walk! We gonna get some coffee,
maybe we smoke some cigarettes. It's gonna be fun! Come here.
Let it go, all right? Just let it go. If I can, you can.
- It doesn't mean anything. - You think you can just shut me up?
Of course you do! Just like you thought you could fuck me
and never talk to me again!
- Hank! What is she talking about? - You wanna tell them or should I?
You fucked her, didn't you?
You wanna do this? For real? Do it right.
- Tell him the truth. - Hank! What did you do?
Tell 'em.
Did you or did you not sleep with him?
Of course not! Give a girl some credit.
It's just a book. A made up a story. It's fucking fiction, people!
I don't give a damn about any moment that's come before this.
It's very simple, Karen. I love you.
Do you love me? Do you wanna marry me?
Yes, I do.
You wanna talk about it?
- You need a hug? - Oh, no...
- Come on, Bubi, let me love you! - You shut the fuck up.
So, what now?
I was thinking maybe I get into teaching.
That's an idea. It's not a particularly good one,
but an idea nonetheless. Good luck with that.
- I hate you. - I hate myself.
- Dance with your daughter? - Don't mind if I do.
Later, Runkle.
- I'm very proud of you. - Really? Why is that?
Because you got through it and didn't get into a fight with anyone.
You didn't start it at least.
You're tragically flawed, dad. But you got a good heart.
I'll take that.
Hello sister. Mind if I cut in?
I suppose I should thank you.
- For what? - Saving my ass.
- So we're about even right now? - How's that?
My Dad decided to publish the book, so....
I think he feels a lot better knowing that we didn't have sex.
But we did.
Yeah, we did. Once upon a time,
I saw my favorite writer in a book store
and I seduced him... So what?
Would have been better to loose my virginity
in a back of some rich kid's car?
- Now you're really fucking with me. - A girl never forgets her first.
How you holding up, darling?
Don't worry about me. Worry about that poor simpleton over there.
You can call me whenever.
Take that!
You want that bald guy back! You made him suffer long enough!
He has been out there, trust me. There's nothing for him.
He tasted the forbidden fruit and he realized that he'd rather be
shut in your hairless clam.
Be nice to my clam.
You! Dance with your fucking wife, already.
Be nice to her vagina!
I guess congratulations are in order.
- You did it. - Looks like I did.
Good for you.
- This is starting to give me chills. - That's right, you're a woman now.
- Shut up. - Baby...
- May I? - Dance?
You?!
Why didn't I do this with you more often?
- Remember you thought it was stupid. - Sounds familiar.
And once again the joke's on me because I'm the stupid one.
I'm sorry I never gave you a day like today.
I don't know what I was so afraid of...
So negative.
Because I look around and I think it's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen aside from you.
I believe that's our daughter. Don't stare or she'll kill us.
Just all went by so fast. From when I met you till just now.
Seems like just a second ago.
Excuse me, Hank, I'd like to dance with my wife.
Bill, of course. Be good to her.
I had a shot with her once but I blew it.
That's what I call fucking, Runkle. You go, girl.
Don't push your luck Clapton.
Becca, meet me in the car in three and half minutes and no more.
And you? No tongue. I'm serious. That's not cool.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Stay away from musicians. They're nothing but trouble.
He asked me out. On a date.
Captain Fantastic.
- Can I go? - Of course you can go.
- Impressed? - Very.
Maybe it is possible, after all this time, for your old man
to grow the fuck up already.
Maybe it happens anyways, whether you like it or not.
Pay up.
I gave my last bill to the valet, you're shit out of luck.
Hank! Wait! Hank!
Quick! Just go! Drive your car!
- Are you sure? - Before I change my fucking mind.
I'm sorry, honey.
Karen, wait! Come back!
Karen!
Subtitling MONICA REU
CALIFORNICATION I, episode 12