Previously...
I am sorry, Marcy. I wanna get a divorce and be with Daisy.
- Maybe we should take a break. - I left my wife for you.
- I didn't ask you to. - I know.
- I got a job in New York. - Even better.
- You're not invited. - That is fucked up.
I would do anything to make you happy again.
I can't teach you how to write. I can only write about the shit
that makes me hard.
- What about Jackie? - You think she's hot.
I havent thought about it. But now that I have, she's smoking.
This is not a good idea. You are my student.
This is so not fair.
Flight 2570, New York, JFK, now boarding all rows.
There you go, young lady. Off into the wild blue yonder.
Maybe I'll get lucky and my plane will explode in mid-air.
I don't get it, Becks. What could possibly be so awful about visiting
the woman who pushed you through her magnificent vagina?
In New York. In the fall, no less.
You're gonna be stepping off that plane into a Woody Allen film.
And not recent Woody Allen, old Woody Allen.
Annie Hall, Manhattan Woody Allen. I'm pretty jealous right now.
- Chelsea has Lakers tickets. - So what? You hate basketball.
You're missing the point. It's a killer scene.
I know you're in there somewhere, baby girl.
My sweet little partner in crime.
And you're having a good laugh about this,
even if it's only on the inside.
All right, well, have a nice trip. Kiss mama bear for me.
I love you.
- Stay. - Stay?
Stay.
Come on, turn around, just once. Then I'll know you still love me.
Please, God, send me a sign from on high.
Come on...
That's what I'm talking about.
CALIFORNICATION
Series III Episode 29
She's up, up and away.
I'm so excited. I can't wait to squeeze that little peanut.
I wouldn't get too excited. She hasn't been very pleasant lately.
- Kind of a little shit, actually. - Come on. Don't poison the well.
I know we're gonna have a great time, she and I. I can feel it.
Okus-Dokus. I'm just warning you,
something post-pubescent and wicked your way comes.
- I wish you could come with. - Yeah, me too.
I'm not looking forward to this weekend much.
- Come on. He's your best friend. - Once upon a time, in Long Island.
He calls me up out of the blue. Haven't talked to him in years.
Says he's got something important to talk about.
Whatever. Just have fun.
Call me when she lands.
Give her a kiss for me. Give yourself a kiss for me too.
- Talk to you later. - Bye.
Moody! You handsome motherfucker.
I just have to have me a piece of that ass.
Wait, I'm not through.
Zloz, shit.
- What's up, buddy? - Where'd that plane come from, 1987?
You look exactly the same. And that smell.
What is that, booze, cigarettes, and Drakkar Noir?
Takes me right back.
What about you? You look like half a fag in this smoking jacket.
You smell pretty much the same... Like a cock dipped in shit.
It's good to see you, man. Yeah, it's been a long time.
Whose fault is that? Who never comes back to the Island?
Fuckin' fancy book writer Hank Moody, that's who.
They won't let me back. I divulged too many small town secrets.
- Named too many names. - Ah, right.
Here I finally am, man, in L.A. L fuckin' A.
What's up? You sounded pretty mysterious on the phone.
Later for that, man. There's plenty of time to shoot the shit.
First, I want to see Britney's vertical smile.
I don't know if she's showing this week. I'll have to check the schedule.
Then, I want to act like a millionaire
and get properly faced with my best buddy in the whole world.
What do you say?
Let's shoot the moon. If we only get halfway there, so be it.
It's better than working for the man.
Or dying five miles from where you were born.
Mr. Amato. 11th grade English. Words to live by.
Let's get fuckin' ossified.
- How many kids now? - Three, which is...
Three too fuckin' many.
I made you come with one finger. Imagine what I could do
with the rest.
Jesus Christ, Zloz, that old chestnut?
Stand down, charm school.
I apologize for my friend. He's sick in the head.
Just two days out of the asylum. He's doing okay, having said that.
We'd like another round, my lady, if you don't mind.
- What the fuck is wrong with you? - What?
I'm sorry.
There's smokin' hot bitches everywhere you look, you know?
What's the move here?
I mean, they all seem like a bunch of stuck up cunts.
That's the move. That's the line.
Try that one out. See where it gets you.
- You still pulling a ton of ass? - I do all right.
I got my dick wet first. Remember that shit.
Hey, you guys ready to settle up?
- Yeah. - No, fuck you.
No, let me. Whoa, let me.
- Look at you. - Look at me.
I feel a little underdressed in this joint.
That's because you are. You look like a fuckin' landscaper.
I am a fuckin' landscaper.
I own my own business now, thank you very much.
Good for you.
Not quite as nice as getting paid to make shit up.
That is much harder than it looks.
Oh, man. I'd love to have her sit on my face before I die.
Like you'd ever cheat on Kim.
How is she?
That's what I meant to tell you, man.
- We're through. - What?
We called it quits, man. It's over.
- What happened? - Got in a fight. Words were spoken.
Household appliances were thrown. I got in a cab.
Hopped on a plane for L.A.
You don't mind if I crash on your couch for a couple of weeks...
I mind. I'm trying to raise a daughter, numb nuts.
Becca. How's she doing? What is she now, 15, 16?
You're not gonna do any better than Kim. She's beautiful.
I used to jerk off to that girl every night in high school.
You were my hero when you nailed her.
How does the saying go? For every beautiful woman,
there's a guy who's bored of fucking her.
Let's get out of here, man. Where's the party?
- What party? - There's a party out there somewhere.
And there's a blonde with big tits waiting for me to bang her stupid.
Call your agent.
Isn't that what he gets paid to do?
You don't know my agent.
So we'll see you there. Looking forward to it.
Any friend of yours.
I'll see what I can do about the blonde.
With big tits, right? I'll make a note of that.
See you, Hank.
- Hey, you. - Hey there, porn star.
- Your boobs, they're really... big. - I know, right?
So that's what my last ten grand looks like, huh?
Yep. You can touch them, if you like.
- Really? - Well, sure. You paid for 'em.
Feel me up, citizen.
I knew you'd be back, sooner or later.
- You did? - Sure, I said so, didn't I?
- This one's heavier. - Yeah, you did.
Yeah, when I broke up with you.
You were all, "you'll be back. They all come back sooner or later."
Exactly, the thing is, though, Daisy, see, as much as I look back fondly
on our little afternoon in the sun I don't think I can go back there.
I'm trying to mend fences with the missus.
You two are great together.
- Good luck with that. - Well, thank you.
- I have something I need to tell you. - I'm all ears.
Eyes, Charlie.
I've been making the rounds, informing my partners
of the various stds I've contracted. Nothing crazy, mind you.
Nothing life-threatening or anything like that.
But you might want to get to a doctor and have him whip up
some kind of cocktail. Help fight it off.
'Cause let me tell you, this is some really pernicious shit.
My vagina looks like downtown Baghdad right now.
- Charlie, are you okay? - Yeah, I think so.
I'm just.. I'm a little dizzy.
And clammy too. Do I feel clammy? Is that how it starts?
Hey this is some serious Scarface shit here.
- Runkles! - Hey, it's the boys.
This here is the almighty Zloz, my oldest friend from the Island of long.
- Mr. Almighty, pleasure to meet you. - You too. Mike Zlozowski.
Very nice to meet you guys.
You've known him a long time. Was he always such a prick?
Always! He's always been a ball buster.
I spent half my life making sure he didn't get his teeth kicked in.
That's true. He's my bodyguard.
Welcome, boys.
And girl.
- You must be Runkle. - In fact, I am.
I see what you mean. Great head for helming.
Oh, this is my husband, Ricardo Collini.
Call me Dickie.
Have fun, cap'n. You too.
Hold on a minute there. You're married?
- Yeah, 25 years and countin'. - I had no idea.
- Well, you never asked. - I feel very strange about this.
Runkle, don't worry. Dickie and I have a very...
a very open relationship.
But, as you can see, he has some limitations.
He is, however, a master of the oral arts.
You ought to try him sometime, honey.
There's no place like home.
Is your father a lumberjack?
Because every time I look at you, I get serious wood in my pants.
What do you think, you're better than me?
Nice one, Shecky Greene.
To the city of angels and its stuck-up snatch.
Can't we do better than that?
Let's drink to Levittown, from whence we came.
I don't know, Moody. I think I could get used to this.
I got a few screenplay ideas.
What's stopping me from taking this town by storm?
- Me. Just me. I won't let you. - You gonna get in my way?
You gonna keep it all for yourself?
That out there? That's a fuckin' mirage.
That doesn't exist, behind me.
You got everything you could ever want or need back home.
What the fuck do you know about back home?
You got out years ago.
Now, it's easy for you to spout some working class hero,
Springsteen bullshit about the sanctity of small towns
when you're driving a Porsche through the promised land.
- You got it all wrong, man. - Listen.
- You see that girl over there? - Yes.
I'm gonna go talk to her. Maybe she's warm for my form,
maybe not, but... I'm no Marky Mark,
but I'm going down swinging tonight.
- Wish me luck. - Good luck.
What are you doing?
Look... all this erotica, got me all...
I'm all sexed up and shit. And you know how I am.
- The more I gets, the more I wants. - Yeah, but not tonight, maybe.
Maybe we just take a break, you know.
- Why don't you want to fuck me? - 'Cause this is my boss's house.
Yeah, baby, and your boss is a stone freak.
I think she would very much approve of a quickie happening
right under her own roof.
Well, really, I'm sore still. I mean, chafed, really.
Okay, what the fuck is going on?
Nothing, I'm just...
I guess a little... overwhelmed by the whiplash nature
of our relationship...
Bullshit! You fucked someone else, didn't you?
No! No, never. I am done with that behavior.
Something's going on with you.
- Daisy... came to see me. - I knew it! I fucking knew it.
A woman knows that shit.
So, what, you want to get back together with her now?
You're gonna have some skanky little porno babies?
Why don't you make up your fucking mind, Runkle?
No! No, I told her I want to be with you,
only you... my one true love.
Really? What'd she say, that little tramp?
Well, actually... And this is interesting...
She said that she had contracted a few stds.
Nothing crazy, mind you. Nothing a bolus of antibiotics wouldn't cure.
- Just... knock it out. - Oh, God.
No, I seriously think I'm gonna throw up right now.
That is exactly what I said! Right?
I don't know. Maybe I said I was dizzy.
But it's the same difference, really.
Fuck.
I'm taking your little fucking girl car, Charlie.
And don't you dare bother coming home tonight!
Fucking hell.
- Dude! She's got a cock! - Really?
Sure it wasn't just an oversized clit?
I know a cock when I touch one.
We were messing around, okay, in the hot tub.
I was getting ready to close. She says she wants to tell me something.
I thought she had a boyfriend. Next thing I know,
she's guiding my hand down to her thin, bent dong.
- You gave her a handy? - Fuck you. I fuckin' clocked her.
There's laws. You can't do that. That's a human being.
You can't just be throwing punches at people.
What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you been in L.A. so long
that a chick with a dick means nothing to you?
Your friend's a closeted fucking homo!
That's what I've been telling him for years. I have, really.
See, them's fightin' words.
Asshole. I thought you knew.
When I realized you didn't, I tried to break it to you gently.
Well, for what it's worth, I think you're beautiful.
I think you could totally pass for a lady.
- Thank you, sweetie. - Anytime.
Great. Why don't you guys get a room
and suck each other's dicks?
I think he knew, deep down. He was looking for a little meat.
Shit.
Pause!
Boys, enough!
Up. There'll be no fighting in this house.
This place is made for love.
The Collinis are open to all sizes, shapes, and sexual preferences.
- Ignorance will not be tolerated. - You're absolutely right, Sue.
We are deeply ashamed. Deeply. Right, Zloz?
Maybe you are...
I am deeply ashamed... that I touched a tranny's cock.
All right!
Now that we've got that cleared away, you boys wanna go skiing with me?
Yeah, okay.
Hank, this is more like it! You see the mams on this broad?
This guy was your B.F.F.? I don't see it.
You wouldn't know it to look at him now, but he was
the coolest kid in high school.
Not the smartest, but he was definitely the funniest.
A riot. He had the hottest girlfriend.
We all wanted to be him. I worshipped the guy.
- I like you like this. - Like what?
Like my new boyfriend.
Be careful, ladies. I think I might have an std.
You don't happen to have a dick, do you?
- No offense. - None taken.
Nope! No dick.
No pubic hair, either. Dig that shit.
- I'm sorry I doubted you, sweetheart. - Bad boy. I'm gonna punish you.
You're my bitch. You my bitch?
That's right. Oh, yeah.
You wanna be my... What, dude...
Wait, hey. Stop it!
Asshole! Get off!
Hey, fucker!
You're out of here!
What happened? What'd he say? What'd he do?
He was sucking on her titty, and that ain't cool.
What the fuck are you thinking?
Did you see those things? They were epic, man.
It was like Pamela Anderson meets Samantha Fox.
- Remember Samantha Fox? - Shut up.
- Tits for days! - I apologize.
Shut up!
I'm throwing working class out on his ass.
Watch it!
You with me, compadre?
Well, good morning, teach.
Our very first sleepover.
I wish I remembered more of it.
Did we take a bubble bath?
There is evidence to support that theory, yes.
Can I ask you a favor?
Good morning.
- Did we... - Oh, fuck, yeah.
- Was I any good? - Oh, the best.
- You've got a great cock. - Fuckin' A.
Good times.
Morning, kids.
- Dude. - Buddy?
This place is beautiful, man. Takes your breath away, sometimes.
That's one of the perks.
That and in-n-out burger.
- I got a question for you. - Shoot.
How come you never made it to my wedding, man?
Oh, man. I don't know. I guess I was pissed.
I didn't want to see you ruin your life.
- We had a plan. - Right, and I fucked it up.
And we were gonna get out of there, the two of us, together.
You were gonna be a rock star. I was gonna be a famous writer.
That's the way I thought back then.
Black and white. I was a fuckin' idiot.
Couldn't have been more wrong.
You did a beautiful thing. You stepped up, married that girl,
had a family.
Don't fuck it up. Don't chase these... girls with fake titties
and half-baked screenplay ideas.
Dude... I'm sorry about your father, man.
Yeah. Thank you.
Thanks for the flowers that you sent.
Did you hear about Mr. Amato? He passed away last year.
- Did he? - Yeah.
I guess that really proves his theory.
That you really do die
less than five miles from where you were born.
- Now, that might happen to me now. - What do you mean?
I get these nosebleeds.
What do you mean nosebleeds? What are you talking about?
I never thought much about them, but Kim finally made me go to the doctor.
- And it turns out I'm sick, dude. - What do you mean sick?
I mean sick like I gotta...
Like I got something I gotta deal with sick.
I got to get a whole shitload of tests. I keep putting it off.
And that's why Kim and I had that big fuckin' blowout, man.
It's not a good time right now.
At least I got to see all this, though, man.
Zloz... yo! You're not gonna die.
Maybe, you know. Maybe not.
Whatever happens, it's got me thinking about a lot of things, you know?
About how fuckin' short it all is. How you and I, once upon a time,
we were thick as thieves.
I don't know what happened.
I just wish I knew the moment where it changed.
I would do things differently.
You didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't mean to let things slide with you, Zloz.
I guess I did.
You were my best friend, Hank. I'll never forget.
Some of the greatest times of my life, you know?
Maybe that makes me a big, pathetic fuckin' loser,
but... once upon a time has got to count for something, I figure.
- Right? - Course it does.
I didn't belong there anymore. Fuck, I don't belong here, either.
It doesn't change the fact that I love you, man.
I can't believe...
I haven't seen you cry since Thurman Munson died.
You got to bring up Thurman Munson? You fucking asshole.
Don't go with Munson.
You were crying, I was crying. It was beautiful.
You were crying about Andy Gibb.
Sorry I got to drop you off early. I got to pick up the little monster.
No worries. Gives me plenty of time to get loaded
and piss myself on the plane.
- It was good to see you, Zloz. - Yeah, you too, man.
Thanks for showing me a good time. You know, what happens in L.A...
- Right, brother? - Yes, it stays in the vault.
Are you gonna be able to patch things up with the old lady?
She doesn't even know I'm gone.
She was so pissed, she took off with her girlfriends
to Atlantic City. So for all I know,
she could have been making out with a tranny too.
You're a colossal pussy, you know that?
Dude, come visit. I got a bunch of kids
with a shitload of Hank Moody stories.
They don't have a face to put to the name.
- That's not good. - No, it's not.
Fuck it, I... I love you.
I love you too.
I love you too. Fuckin' homo.
Okay, faggot. Go.
Hey, Zloz. Made you look...
... At my cock.
Hello! Look who's here.
Not even a hello.
Wow, good times.
Good times...
Hey, what are you doing? What am I, your limo driver?
No, come on. You get in the front.
Were you just gonna leave me behind?
Merry fucking Christmas.
Can we go home already?
Shut up.
CALIFORNICATION Episode 29