Previously...
If you were gonna have sex with someone
and you knew that it would be the absolute last time...
-What do you think it would be like? -Incredibly sad.
Make me sad.
-Who the fuck are you? -Stu Baggs, nice to meet you.
-I met the wife. -Soon, to be ex. Splitsville.
Wouldn't mind if I took a crack at her?
You know how many women I slept with? I gotta get it up to a 100.
Triple digits. Then I can die happy.
-I'm pregnant. -I'm gonna be a father!
-I'm carrying Charlie's baby. -What the fuck?!
You know what I think, Dad? I think it's all gonna be okay.
Chapters end. Sometimes you gotta shake things up.
Check out of this dump. Go home!
Amazing. A goddess.
A gift from on high.
You deserve the white dress and a happy ending.
CALIFORNICATION Season V, Episode 49
Are we gonna take this thing to the next level or what?
-We are coming up on a year. -Really?
-Time certainly doth fly. -We kept it pretty cash.
I've been careful about making sure I don't make demands on your time.
You've been a great "not-that-girl".
I want to know what you see us becoming... eventually.
I see us becoming incredibly close.
Great friends... eventually.
After the part where you hate my guts for a long, cold winter.
It's not that I'm not fond of you. I am. Inordinately so.
It's just that I enjoy the casual nature of things. I'm a casual guy.
I have to be because I'm damaged, broken, really. Old dog, new tricks.
But you're amazing. You deserve the white dress, the happy ending.
I'm not the guy to give it to you. I see you're mad. I can tell.
-I'm not mad. -You're not? I'm glad.
-You fucked me in the ass, Hank. -Are we speaking metaphorically?
I gave up the butt for you.
Do you think I would have let you sodomize me without a future?
-You did say that you liked it. -That's not the point.
This man's a monster. He likes to fuck women in the ass
and then tell them he wants to keep it casual.
-Who callin' my phone? -It's yo agent.
Calling from the coast with the prospect of a significant payday.
-I'll take it. -Don't you wanna know what it is?
No. Can you book me out on the nextest flight to that coast?
-What did you do? -She's got a key to my place.
I may need to crash on the villa for a few days. Is that cool?
-I'll pick you up at the airport. -Thanks, Runks. Much appresh.
-I've missed yo' black ass. -Later, masturbator!
Do you have any idea how much I fucking hate you?
-Shit. Did I do what I think I did? -Yes.
I am so truly madly deeply sorry.
That doesn't change the fact that I have a puddle in my lap.
It's not my fault you forced grown men to make puddles in your lap.
-I'm not laughing. -Sure you are. On the inside?
-Okay I have it, thanks. -Man, what are the odds?
Of what?
Usually, I sit next to John Candy or Ruth Gordon, if I'm lucky.
I end up next to a beautiful woman and I spill a drink in her lap.
Nice work, huh? Stupid, stupid, stupid.
-The tri-state area? -You're world class.
You're so beautiful you're almost ugly. Hank.
-2A. That's me, sorry. -You better be, pal.
-God. I'm sorry. -Hold on a second!
Can't you just take her seat?
If the ticket says 2A, then 2A is where I'm parking my posterior.
-Real stickler for the rules. -It's how we keep the trains on time.
-Nice to meet you, Hank. -Bye, Miss never got your name.
Sorry.
I have got to get this under control. I'm almost too fat to fly.
-Want some? -No, I'm good.
Sorry.
Go ahead before I shit myself. Go, go sit with your wife!
She guilted me into swapping with you. Enjoy the fucking honeymoon.
It's almost like the pursuit of this one woman,
this one relationship became its own form of heroin.
I was strung out. I was driving her crazy making my kid miserable.
When you finally give up and let go, good stuff starts to happen.
My kid's fantastic. I'm keeping it simple.
Such a sad sweet tale of woe.
I'm surprised you made it through the whole thing.
I did think about it, but I figured that'd rude,
since you were pouring your heart out.
I appreciate that.
But this has been nice to have a conversation
with someone who isn't trying to get in my pants.
You mean my epic love story for the ages isn't pure panty-peeler?
Excuse me, I'm gonna go to the little girls' room.
Don't talk dirty to me!
I really hope that no one comes in on me.
-Lock the door. -That's the thing. I always forget.
-What do you think you're doing? -I'm sorry, I thought you...
I'm just kidding.
-I thought you had to pee. -I already did.
I'm sorry I've missed that.
-Have you done this before? -Kiss the girl? Couple of times.
In an airplane bathroom?
No. It always seemed more trouble than it was worth it.
Now, that I'm here I think I was holding off for the right gal.
For the love of Christ. Save it for the honeymoon suite.
I have serious work I gotta do in here.
Thanks for pretty much the best flight ever.
You're very welcome.
I guess we shouldn't ruin it by keeping in touch or anything.
I couldn't agree more. What happens in the small cramped toilet,
stays in the small cramped toilet.
One of my favorite sayings, right up there with "Eating ain't cheap."
You it's been a long time since I just made out with a guy.
-Your dirty slut. -I know.
-It's kinda hot, though. -Maybe we should do it again.
With more room to move extremities. I've got some serious moves.
I need to be able to extend and retract.
Maybe I should get your number. I can never work this thing.
Come on, cock-blocker. Roll down the window.
Little Runks.
Up high for uncle Hank. You can do it. My man.
How you doing, man?
-He talking yet? -No, not a word.
-Marsty tell me it's totally normal. -How old now?
-Two point five. -Totally not normal, Charlie.
That's what I keep saying.
I was expecting one of your faggoty little girl cars.
I've missed you. Leasing this expensive penis extension.
Made me feel closer to my brother from another mother.
-Sweet, bald, cock hungry homo... -Jeez. Hank!
He may not say much, but he's not deaf.
I'm sorry, I get all excited that words just spill out.
You are such a fucking ashole!
Hank!
Sorry, they all look the same.
-In a good way. -Condescending to the last.
-You look amazing. -Thank you.
Easy, tiger! Stop it!
I can't believe we haven't fucked for 2 years, 9 months, 3 weeks and...
69 hours. What? It's a compliment. I'd still totally do you.
Good to know.
It was mish, into doggie, segued quite seamlessly into cowgirl.
I came twice, you just did once. It would appear that I owe you one.
-How are you, Hank? -Excellent, thank you.
Are you keeping it simple with... What's her name?
Ended last night, thank you very much.
Hence the sudden arrival.
The business of show has brought me to the left coast.
And how could I pass up an opportunity to gaze upon my ladies?
This one's not your lady anymore.
Bates, good to see you wearing pants.
That's between me and your ex baby mama.
She's still my baby mama and always will be.
Did we do this once before and it ended in fisticuffs?
Yes, and a good fisticuffs it was. Epic.
I think we needed to do it. Like men in prison.
We had to do the man-dance, just once, just the taste.
I seem to remember you pissing me off
to such an extent I was left with no choice but to take a swing.
-I hit you back. -No blood.
-Sizable shiner. -Karen had to get you a towel, ice.
-Fresh pair of panties too. -Still wearing it.
-How's Becca? -Wonderful.
-What's that? -Nothing.
That is definitely not nothing.
I'd give you that frown if you were trying to bullshit a bullshitter.
It's her fucking boyfriend. I wanna kill him, Hank.
I don't wanna kill him, I want to dismember him. Slowly.
And pour tabasco sauce in his torn asshole
as he dies screaming for his mommy and daddy.
-Nice. -Karen.
If you have to be with someone else, he is the right guy.
I know. He's like you.
But awesome.
-That's me. -Whateva'.
This is gross. Cut it out. Where is she? What's the story?
-She didn't come home last night. -What shop are you running?
-That's what I always say. -She's in college.
She stays some nights with her boyfriend.
-She's been having sex with him? -I should hope so.
-Why? -Because he's hot.
-Who are you? -He is a real fucking douchebag.
We'll have dinner. I'll make sure she brings him. Okay?
Why not? Dinner with the ex and her new husband,
my insolent daughter, her asshole boyfriend.
This is not shaping up to be a good trip.
I've only been in LA 2 hours and I'm already fucking agitated.
-Have I told you about the money? -I don't believe it, Runks.
I'm not jumping through any hoops to land this thing. What's this?
Hello, ex-wife?
Big time movie producer guy?
I'm gonna take a piss.
Eat that, bitch. God damn it.
God damn it. No, harder. Yes.
Charlie, come here!
She moaned like that when you used to munch her out?
I never had as many quatloos in the bank. And an Academy Award.
These things had been known to enhance the female orgasm.
Stuart! Close your eyes, son!
Charlie? Hank? Stuart? Irma!
Christ on a cross.
Hank? So good to see you!
Can we do this a little later when you lose the wood?
-And wash your face. -Sorry, and this could be a while.
-I just popped a Niagara. -You mean a Viagra.
We call the Niagara around here.
My rock hard endowment makes Marcy gush like Niagara Falls.
Marcy's a squirter now? Things have changed in my absence.
Marcy is in the throws of a real sexual renaissance now, Hank.
-It's exhilarating. -It's good to hear.
But you're too young to mess with that Niagara shit.
I like the nine hour boner. That it makes me feel alive.
-You're like a couple of teenagers. -Irma was supposed to be watching.
It was a quickie, Runkle, then we were all going for some froyo.
Speaking of which, why is he eating these terrible snacks?
Settle down, soccer mom. Hanky. Hug!
-You smell like sex. -Yes I do.
-And weed. -Mommy's little helper.
I take a puffsky or two and I get the sex munchies.
-I go through a sexual renaissance. -I heard.
-Irma, what the fuck? -Language, Marcy!
He always sneak away. He so quiet like a mouse.
Dios mio! It doesn't have anything to do with you watching your stories?
I know all about it, Irma. I'm calling immigration!
-What are you guys doing here? -We came for the meeting.
There is no meeting. He wants Hank to come to him.
-One on one. Face time. -Who the fuck is he?
-Samurai Apocalypse. -What? The rapper?
He has transcended rap a long ago. Sam is a producer, businessman,
entrepreneur, humanitarian, he is a major player, Hank.
-And I pass. -No, he is an inspiring human being.
He also has writer approval and he hasn't liked anyone we've sent him.
I'm not auditioning for someone who calls himself Samurai Apocalypse.
Why wasn't I first on the list?
-I wasn't aware... -Hollywood asshole.
TM. Have you tried?
I get more satisfaction out of a a solid BM.
Thank you, Alfred.
-Alfred, really? -Fuck yeah, man.
As a kid, I said: "Mama, when I get rich and famous, I give me Alfred."
Your ma must be proud, cause you got yourself an Alfred.
I call him Alfred and he snatched right to it.
-He might be my slave. -Take that, white people.
-I dug your book. The shit was crazy. -Thanks.
When chick squirted over Runkle, I laughed and I almost shit my pants.
Runkle's always good for a laugh. And a shart.
This motherfucker's a walking Pez dispenser.
-So you read the book? Cool. -Nigga can't read?
I read it from cover to cover. Even the boring pretentious parts.
-You're the kind to write my shit. -What do you have in mind?
-Santa Monica Cop. -I don't know what that means.
I did this rap star already. Sold gold, platinum, zirconium: Check.
Got my my own energy drink, Apocalypse Wild: Check.
Got the badass Scarface crib, crazy rides, more pussy a nigga can eat.
What's next? The movies. I wanna do my own thing, my own moment.
Santa Monica Cop is my Eddie Murphy moment.
-So it's like Beverly Hills Cop. -It's set in Santa Monica.
I see the difference.
You're a kingmaker, man. I want to be a king, yo. You in?
-Is not really my thing. -What else do you wanna do?
Write another book? Let's get paid, motherfucker.
Get yo sexy ass over here!
-What's up, mama? -Hi.
Hank Moody, this is Kali. Remember this name. She's gonna be a star.
Kali, this is Hank Moody. The writer/rapist.
-Nice to meet you, Hank. -And you.
God. Sorry. Didn't mean to get a puddle on you, sorry.
She keeps it cool for sure.
It looks like you two are about to fornicate. Which is typically my cue.
Keep it real up with the feel.
Im'ma keep in touch, Moody. You can't escape Apocalypse Now.
Hasn't been that long, dad.
-You got that look. -What look?
-The drunken boy crazy look. -Promise you'll be nice.
-I'm always nice. -Might wanna get used to this one.
-I could see him sticking. -In a shoe maybe.
How old of a man might you be, Tyler?
-I'm 24, Hank. -24?
24. A touch too old for my daughter. Kind of inappropriate?
-Dad? -Daughter?
-You're being a dick. -Am not.
-He's not being a dick, baby. -Baby, really?
He's a concerned father, the two are easily confused.
I don't think age is an issue here. Becca is wise beyond her years.
And I'm nothing if not somewhat stunted.
That sounds familiar.
Forgot to laugh. I'll take a snifter of that vino rouge you got there.
-Sorry, Hank. Looks like I killed it. -All by yourself?
Again, with the rude, no?
Maybe, but it is incredibly tasty super Tuscan. Snooze, you loose.
A young, good looking guy starts sniffing around your one and only,
and you questions his motives.
But I really like your daughter. We're having fun, hanging out...
And I come in peace, okay? It's all good.
You hear that, Karen? It's all good.
-Yes, it's all good. -It's all good.
We're going to be late.
Is anybody gonna say anything? It's on me to be the designated asshole.
You're thinking of driving? You finished a whole bottle of wine.
Who puts wine in the drinking and driving category?
Maybe people who have lost kids to smarmy little fucks
who sucked down super Tuscans and then got behind the wheel?
You've never consumed alcohol and gotten behind the wheel?
I have made certain mistakes. This has been well documented.
But you don't have to make the same ones.
Great seeing you, dad. Always a pleasure.
Becca, wait!
Problem solved. She a quite little trouble stirrer, that one.
It was nice to meet you, Hank. Truly sorry we got off on wrong foot.
-Take care, Karen. -Bye.
Jesus, even feels like a creep. Clammy mitz. I don't like it.
Is this how you wanna leave things with your daughter?
I'm going to let the grownups hash this one out. I hate his stupid guts.
And I love you for it, Batesy. Your support means the world to me.
I could've felt you.
It wouldn't be the first time a man has tongued my asshole in gratitude.
-He's kidding, right? -You don't get it, do you? He's you!
Yes. You said so earlier. He's like me only awesomer.
Not sure I liked how you phrased it, but I understand the sentiment.
Hank, will you shut the fuck up?
-I don't talk about Richard. Tyler. -The kid is a loathsome asshole.
There are members of my family who said the same thing about you.
Your folks. Not your sister. She always dug me.
She used to molest me with her eyes. Something fierce, I could tell.
Got me a little wet. I'm not gonna lie.
Finally I realize you ended up with the wrong sister.
She was a foxy little minx. But she didn't turn on my heart light.
-So what's the move here, Karen? -Move? There is no move.
-There's always a move. -She likes him. He says he likes her.
-That sounds awfully familiar. -I'm going back to my life.
Who could blame you? It's a nice life.
You got a white picket fence... Home, sweet home!
I know bait when I hear it, and this little fishy ain't biting.
-Good night. -Good night, former lover.
Feeling much better now? Found a way to resolve our issues...
One...
... hundreeeed!
I win!
Hank! Buddy I didn't hear you come in. Hank, this is Ginger.
Ginger, this is my best friend and star client, Hank Moody.
-Hi, Hank. -Hey, Ginger.
Any naked friend of Charlie is a naked friend of mine.
-What's with the victory lap, dude? -It's the 100th woman, Hank.
Un ciento, baby. Remember? My quest.
It took this long to get to a 100? Of course it did.
But I did it. I made myself a promise and I kept it.
My heart and cock swell with pride. I'm happy you saw me cross finish.
-Me too. -How was your day, buddy?
Started all right, it got weird it all went sideways and shitty.
What do you think of Samurai Apocalypse?
Can you give me a ride back to the LAX?
There's no need to be rash. You have yourself a drink.
-Chillax, enjoy the view. -That's how it starts, Charlie. Stop.
Who dis?
Who?
Yeah? Wait, what?
Say that again.
Okay.
Thanks for calling. I guess.
-Who dat? -My neighbor back in New York.
Everything okay?
My apartment's on fire.