Previously...
It's yo agent, with the prospect of a significant payday.
I'll take it.
Shit. I end up next to the most beautiful woman
and I spill a drink in her lap.
We shouldn't ruin it by keeping in touch.
-This one's not your lady anymore. -He's like you... But awesome.
-How's Becca? -I want to kill him, Hank.
I come in peace, okay?
The kid's a loathsome asshole.
Great seeing you, dad. Always a pleasure.
-He wants Hank to come to him. -Who is "he"?
Samurai Apocalypse.
You gonna write another book? Let's get paid, motherfucker.
Moody, this is Kali. Remember this name, Kali.
I don't think this is such a good idea.
Why? Was I doing something wrong?
No. That was world class. Some girls are timid
and lack focus, but you, you should be in porn.
Only if you want to be.
You are not taking this in the spirit in which it was intended.
-Allow me to explain. -No, allow me, motherfucker!
Charlie, thank God.
You weren't just blowin' me, were you?
-No, I most certainly was not. -Not even a little bit?
Your Magic Johnson was nowhere near my oral cavity.
I did just beat off in the shower.
I got a little cum on my foot. Washed right off.
You are a fuckin' animal, you know that?
Goddamn L.A. I only have dreams like this when I'm here.
You relax. Have yourself a cup of black gold.
We will take a walk along the beach,
gaze upon some foxy Malibu hard bodies.
Can you get me on a plane back to New York tonight?
-What about Samurai Apocalypse? -What about him?
He wants you, and only you. He loves your black ass.
Always nice to have one's black ass wanted,
but I'm not sure if the feelings are reciprocated.
-Then you'll have to tell him. -That's your job, agent.
He is a very important client. This needs to be finessed.
-And if it isn't? -I will be very upset with you.
-What would that entail, exactly? -I'm not sure.
But it will involve not returning your calls in a timely manner.
Becca is upset with you.
That's sort of a trending topic right now.
You should try and make it up before you leave town.
She'll thank me later.
You could kiss and make nice. She's your only daughter.
Thank God!
Are you and Bates playin' grab-ass?
Be a professional, for Christ's sake.
Does Becca need an iPad or something like that?
Bye, Hank.
-Charlie, can you get me an iPad? -If you sit down with the Samurai.
-You're a real twatty cunt! -I cunt hear you.
I've got an ear in-fuck-tion. I'll finger it out later.
You still got some cum on your foot. Made you look.
CALIFORNICATION Season V, Episode 50
Becca Moody.
You have one already?
I'm not 12. You can't bribe me anymore.
You can, but you have to adjust for lifestyle and inflation.
I am not tryin' to bribe you.
Just to weaken your steely resolve to hate the old man.
I don't hate you. I'm disappointed you don't trust me.
Can't put aside judgmental bullshit for the duration of one dinner.
That's fair. But he was kind of a tool.
-This is how you say you're sorry? -You're right.
What?
-You don't want to man-pound? -Not really.
-Especially when you put it that way. -Be that way, dude.
-What are you doin' here? -I go here.
What are you, on the six-year plan, Stephen Hawking?
-It's grad school. -It's how we met.
That's against the rules.
As a college professor, you slept with your T.A.,
dean's wife, and one of your students, a stripper.
Way to go, Hank. Up high.
That was a particularly tough time for me. I was not well.
I learned from my mistakes. This is not going as I had hoped.
-IPad 2? Very nice. -He tried to bribe me with it.
You already have one. I don't already have one.
Thanks, Hank. You're startin' to grow on me.
Pink, though? Whatever, I'll take it.
Put my daughter back on the ground.
-Fredo, how's it hanging? -Quite low, sir.
-Is the master expecting you? -No, this is more of a cold call.
-Please come in, sir. -Thank you.
-What are you doing here? -Might ask you the same question.
-It's complicated. -He doesn't know we're married.
-You're funny. -We made out... on a plane.
We were up in the air. What's the big deal?
You know, he has guns, and samurai swords.
-I had a dream about you. -Really?
That high school make out session, I can't stop thinkin' about it.
-You? -Never. Ever.
You have extremely moist lips. They're like kissable cupcakes.
It's as if sprinkles and crumbs made sweet love
and had these delicious smoochable cupcake babies.
Hank Moody! 'Sup, nigga?
-Better not be hittin' on my girl. -I'm not your girl, Calvin.
Just playin', baby.
You should be in Starbucks writin' me some funny shit.
-I don't think I can do it. -They ain't payin' you enough?
-I just don't want to. -Because I'm black?
-I love that you're black. -Because I got a white butler?
-No, Alfred is awesome. -Thank you, sir.
You hate hip-hop?
I do hate hip-hop, but that's not why.
You're mad 'cause I be dealin' with that crazy-ass pussy?
I fucked all sorts of crazy pussy.
You don't be fuckin' crazy pussy I be fuckin'. Tell him.
Nigger, you don't be fuckin' the same kind of crazy pussy, sir.
You'd be surprised, both of you.
-Like this fine-ass bitch. -Stop callin' me a bitch!
Just peacockin', baby.
She is a beautiful woman.
What's with the use of all this urban patois?
It's the A-B-Cs of me.
I gotta be somewhere, man. Come with me.
I'll show you why you want to be in the Apocalypse business.
-He did what? -Are you gonna make her repeat it?
-I need to understand. -You're saying he took it out.
He was masturbating in front of Ava.
-Masturbating? -Poor little Ava.
She's so cute, but she's a little tweaked, though, right?
You can't call it masturbation, he's barely three.
His penis was fully erect, and he was manipulating it.
He was experimenting. Maybe he intended to be funny.
-Bring sunshine into her day. -Like father, like son.
This is not the time or the place for the blame game.
-How can we repair this? -Ava's mother was horrified.
She's threatening to pull her out of school.
We'd rather that not happen, so... Perhaps an apology.
-How about a sizable donation? -That would be helpful as well.
Done.
Now if you'll excuse me.
You write the check. I'll press the flesh.
-We have the nanny interviews. -What happened to Irma?
Marcy gave her the axe. What?
-Involve the father, maybe? -Are you gonna pay their salary?
She'll spend time around my son, I should be given consultation.
We'll bring you in for call-backs! I'm coming.
What the fuck? Don't mess with my music.
That's my shit, motherfucker. That's me.
That could be Run D.M.C., for all right I know.
You don't know shit about hip-hop?
I'm more of a classic rock guy, Zeppelin, The Who, Zevon...
Air supply.
That fuckin' dinosaur shit sound the same to me.
This is a real ebony and ivory moment.
We hate each other's music, which makes us different,
but kinda the same.
Feel me? Want a man pound?
Little dap? Gonna leave me hangin'?
Now this I like.
That's Kali, man. Fuckin' voice of an angel.
Church.
I been around the world, I railed many bitches,
but this one, she's somethin' special, man.
She gonna be a big star.
This car is givin' me the creeps.
I feel like we're about to roll into the Warsaw ghetto.
I ain't never been there. How is the food?
Scarce.
-What are we doin' here? -Big Hollywood meetin', man.
-Pete Berg. -Sam.
Lookin' good, man. Concrete, baby.
Hank Moody, writer/rapist.
What's up?
How you doin'? Good to meet you.
I think we know some of the same people.
I think we've been inside some of the same people.
I think I do know, and it's creepin' me out.
-We got a meetin', so, see ya. -I'll be at the bar.
Hold on. He's with me. He's gonna be writin' my shit.
No way, man. I mean, no disrespect.
I did a serious rewrite on the script...
The shit ain't crackin', man. What's the catchphrase?
Killin' bad guys is my business, and business is fuckin' crackin'.
I'm gonna go drop some heat. Y'all chop it up, a'ight?
-What the fuck are you doin'? -What are you talkin' about?
-Why are you in my shit? -He won't take no for an answer.
You are a middle-aged white guy. What you know about black culture?
Nothin', but you're makin' Santa Monica Cop?
The character was originally from Compton, get it?
Go make your movie. I'm no threat to you.
-You sure about that? -Yeah.
-What about Michelle? -Michelle?
Girl you fucked while I was still goin' out with her.
I'm sorry, I had no idea.
She found out I was fuckin' around on her a bit.
We had a little fight. She went to a bar in Venice.
She met you, she fucked you, she told me in an email.
A very descriptive email, which I still have.
-Would you like me to read it? -That's a terrible idea.
It might be kind of an interesting time capsule for me.
Don't, I'm good. All right? I'm sorry.
I loved her. I think she was the one.
-Then why were you cheatin'? -It was gonna be the last time.
My final dalliance. I was ready to hang it up.
She made me reconsider all the fucked up shit I'd done.
-I'm sorry for your loss. -Shit happens.
Shit does, in fact, happen. Maybe that's your catchphrase.
It's a black movie, so maybe it's "Shit be happenin'."
-Let's go. -Where?
Outside. You and I are gonna settle this like men.
Why?
For years, I've been tormented by the image of my girl,
the one that got away, getting banged out by some writer.
Time to make this right. Let's go!
You made a movie about a battleship?
What y'all crackers up to out here, man?
He fucked one of my ex-girls, when I was still with her.
-Moody, you a fuckin' dog. -I didn't know.
I'll kill that motherfucker that touch my girl.
Hi.
-Ava's mom. -No.
I'm Charlie Runkle. Stuart's dad, we spoke on the phone.
I'm just the nanny, but come in.
This must be Ava. Hello, Ava.
Ava, darling, calm down. Why don't we go to your room?
-Hello, Mr. Runkle. -Hello, Mrs...
-Call me Alison. -And you call me Charlie.
I just wanted to stop by, and apologize for my son's behavior.
Your son's disgusting behavior.
Ava's cried herself to sleep every night since the incident.
How can we make this better?
-You're an agent, aren't you? -That I am. U.T.K.
You must know my husband, Bruce. Business affairs at Warners.
Tough negotiator. But fair. Always fair.
He's an abusive sociopath and a casual alcoholic.
-I'm not the biggest fan. -Neither am I.
He's kind of a bully, in fact.
He is, and I have the scars to prove it.
A peace offering.
What do you say we discuss this over a glass of Sauvignon blanc?
I shouldn't. But I will.
-Karma's a bitch, ain't it? -It's just shitty fuckin' luck.
That motherfucker's a good director. Hope you didn't fuck my shit up.
I don't care about your shit. I care about my eye.
Cryin' motherfucker.
No, I ain't cryin'. Shut the fuck up!
My man, this nigga cryin', man. Check this shit...
Off me, nigga!
-This motherfucker shot me, man! -Look who's cryin' now.
Chase, take that motherfucker to the hospital, man.
I ain't got no fuckin' medical!
What does your wife do?
Sex with a very rich movie producer named Stu Beggs.
Marcy. I see her all the time at the bar method.
I had sex with Stu Beggs once.
I was his development girl for a short time in the mid-90s.
-Huge penis. -Yes, I'm aware.
-Like a bratwurst. -Enough.
-He asked me to pee on him. -Really?
-Did you? -Yes.
I had to go. Seemed silly to say no.
Makes sense.
Don't want to take Ava out. It's a great school,
it funnels into the best elementary schools.
That is what they say.
How do we fix this?
What makes boys want to show their dicks to girls?
I don't know. Pride of ownership, maybe?
-Are you gonna take yours out? -I'm sorry?
Don't you want to show me yours?
My... penis?
Your dick. Your sausage. Whatever you want to call it.
Are you gonna take it out and masturbate for me?
Just like your son did in front of my daughter.
-Why would I do that? -Why not?
That's right.
Touch yourself.
You filthy pig. You pervert.
Why do you want to show me your dick?
That little excuse for a penis. It looks like your son's.
You fuck grown women with that thing? Are they ever satisfied?
How could they be?
What's it like to have the desire, but not the right tool for the job?
Jesus Christ, Lizzie! How about some privacy?
I'm so sorry. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!
Clean up in here, you pig.
-Are you okay? -I just got fired.
-I'm so sorry. -She was a nightmare to work for.
I got the feeling.
She hits on everyone. Messengers, mailmen, gardeners.
I walked in on her and the DirecTV guy once.
-She had her finger up his ass. -Up his ass?
-She's really fucked up. -I should say so.
-Are you lookin' for a new gig? -I really need the money...
-For cooking school. -Awesome. People love food.
My ex-wife is lookin' for a new nanny for our son.
Your son is the one who exposed himself to Ava.
Yes, but he's very sweet. He meant it as a compliment.
What do you think? Any interest?
Thank you.
You had a chance to spend the day with me.
See behind the curtain. So what's this gonna be?
No disrespect, I'm gonna have to pass.
Will you excuse me for a second?
Hey, Tyler.
Hank. What's up, man? Fancy seeing you again.
This is not what it looks like. This is my sister.
-How's Becca? -She didn't want to come out tonight.
-She know where you are? -I was just texting with her.
Does she know about your sister?
I really like Becca, okay, I do, but life is short, man,
sometimes shit happens.
Is she aware of how loose this arrangement is?
We're just sorta takin' it day by day.
You got that look, like you want to hit me. Feel free...
If you want your daughter to hate you for life.
Gotcha!
Is there anything else you want to discuss?
No? Okay, cool. Have a good night.
What was that all about?
Some guy my daughter's seeing doesn't seem faithful.
-He's gonna break her heart. -Maybe we should break his legs.
If I do that, then she's gonna hate me forever.
I have a history of doing the well-intentioned wrong thing.
Moody's a good father? I like that in a brother.
Me too.
I'm gonna take off. Peace.
-Peace out, nigga. -Good luck on your project.
You're well-represented in this battle of the exes.
-I got your back, rapist. -Mucho appreciato, Batesy.
-Ladies. -Oh, my God.
In town for two days, and you have a black eye already.
-I had it comin'. -Really? Shocker.
-Becca, can I speak with you? -No.
Go and speak with him.
I wanted to say I'm sorry!
It's not right to give you a hard time about your life.
It comes from a good place.
Wanting to protect you from all the bad shit out there.
I know what guys are like. I've been that guy.
I am that guy, sometimes.
It's so hard to tell the difference between those that have good heart
and the ones that are just out there to win.
He's a good guy, dad. I know it.
I know it like I know you're a good guy, deep down.
Speak of the handsome devil. Hold on a sec, dad.
Hello.
You did good. It'll be okay.
You sure about that?
-Someone take me to the hospital? -What's happened?
Tyler was leaving some club, got jumped by gangbangers.
They beat him up. He's at Cedars.
I'm so sorry. Of course, come on. Let's go.
-Have you got the keys? -Yeah.
Sounds like the little turd-fondler finally pissed off the wrong guy.
Problem solved. No need to thank me. Just write my shit, yo.