Previously...
What are the odds I end up next to the most beautiful woman?
-He wants Hank to come to him. -Who the fuck is he?
Samurai Apocalypse.
I wanna do my own thing. That's my Eddie Murphy moment.
It's not really my thing.
Get your sexy ass over here.
I'm Charlie Runkle. We spoke on the phone.
I'm the nanny, but come on in.
-Are you okay? -I got fired.
Are you looking for a new gig?
You should be at Starbucks writing me some funny shit.
I don't think I can do it.
-How's Becca? -Boyfriend. I want to kill him.
This is not what it looks like. This is my sister.
-What was that? -A guy my daughter's seeing.
-He's gonna break her heart. -You should break his legs.
Tyler was leaving some club and he got jumped by gangbangers.
Fade the fuck out! The end, motherfucker. Charlie!
Way ahead of you, buddy.
-Print, bitches. -Don't you want to spellcheck?
The Samurai isn't much of a typo Nazi, and I gotta get out of here.
-I gotta a plane to catch. -Please stay!
I came, I saw, I turned some words into cash. The coffers are full.
I don't want to get myself killed by a trigger-happy rapper.
It's not the same without you.
Just go down to the bar and grab yourself one of your messy bessies.
That's the thing, Hank. It don't work anymore. I'm lonely.
-I long for companionship. -Is this it?
Are you finally coming out to me, Charlie?
-Female companionship. -Grab yourself a lady friend.
It's not that easy. I'm old and bald and lacking in social skills.
But you do make a decent living. And you have this groovy pad.
It impresses the shit out of the strippers and the barmaids.
What if I want something more?
Sometimes it's better not to touch your dreams.
-That is profoundly depressing. -I gotta go say good-bye to Becca.
Then I gotta drop this puppy off at MTV Cribs.
What are you gonna do?
I'll masturbate to something dirty on the Internet while I wait for Stuart.
-What's on the menu these days? -I'm glad you asked.
I'm extremely partial these days to live sex-cams.
For a couple of bucks a minute, they'll do anything you want.
I got this girl to drink her own pee the other day.
This is why you can't find a girl.
You're too busy making them do disgusting things on the Internet.
-You should be ashamed of yourself. -I am.
Now hug me. I gotta go.
-Charlie? -Yes.
Is that a dildo in your pocket or are you happy to see me go?
I must have been reliving that pee thing. It's a shame boner.
CALIFORNICATION Season V, Episode 51
Fuck!
-What'd that house ever do to you? -Nothing!
It's what that pansy-ass pussy fart is doing in my house.
I gotta walk this shit off before I end up back in prison.
Fucker!
What's with the hubby out there?
Tyler got into his 40-year-old bottle of Chivas.
I thought Batesy was on the wagon.
He keeps it around as a symbol of his sobriety.
Right on.
-How's patient zero? -Demanding.
-I told you the kid was an asshole. -You think everyone's an asshole.
That doesn't make me any less right about this particular asshole.
-Tyler needs more Vicodin. -Hi, Becca. Remember me?
-Hey, dad. -I'm leaving...
On a jet plane... Don't know when I'll be back again.
-Maybe a hug? -Safe travels, dad.
-I love you. -See you soon.
-A quick one while they're away? -You're hitting on a married woman.
What's your point?
You really want me to sic my husband on you in the state he's in?
That kind of thing could lead a man to drink.
And then his glorious mangina might make an appearance.
I would. I'm dying to see that thing again. Let's do it!
-Karen, is dinner ready yet? -Yeah. I'm gonna take this...
-No, allow me. -Put it on the...
Fuck that!
Thank God! I was about to eat my foot.
-Hey, Hank. -You've moved in, haven't you?
I hope you're not expecting to get your security deposit back.
-They insisted. -It's good.
-My folks are out of town. -That's what your folks told you.
They rue the day that your father ever failed to pull out in time.
Why don't you go easy on me? I got my ass beat about a week ago.
I know that. And I was almost sad when I heard the news.
Then, I was disappointed when I heard you weren't gonna die.
But knowing you were in great pain did make me smile.
But if you break my daughter's heart, Being stomped on by gangbangers
is gonna seem a playdate compared to the rape-ass I will open up on your...
Ass.
I have no intention of breaking her heart. She's a cool chick.
Then tell her that you are a lying, cheating, skullduggerous manwhore.
I hear you.
-Are we cool? -No, never.
-Can I bum a smoke? -Sure.
Got a light?
See, it's this damn finger of mine.
-It's hard to... -God!
This is how it was done...
Back in the day. When the bushes were big...
And the boobies was real.
Shit!
Hello!
-Not too much boob tube. -Okay, relax!
We only watch what's educational. Maybe he'll even say something.
Jesus Christ, Charlie!
My God. I can't trust you alone with this kid for one second.
Feel free to take him with you out on date night.
Let's not be rash, Marcy.
My assistant had to work some serious magic for these rezzies.
Believe me. I need a break from all things mommy.
So that whole hiring someone to watch your kid
while you go out all day shopping not working for ya?
Die young and suffer!
Really kicking it back old-school with the porn there.
I'm trying to ween myself off the hardcore stuff.
I'm trying to rediscover the simple pleasures of a masturbating teenager.
When girls were magical creatures who didn't go ATM.
-What? -Ass to mouth.
-That's disgusting. -Yet intriguing.
You're way too big for mommy's cornhole.
-That's what daddy likes to hear. -You're welcome.
What's the matter, buddy?
-Where's Mr. Blanky? -What?
Where is Mr. Blanky?
You...
-You brought... -You put it in the backpack.
Okay.
The traffic is really terrible right now on PCH.
-I think maybe we should jet. -Yeah. Sorry, Charlie.
-Buddy, you're okay. -You wanted weekday overnights.
Mommy loves you!
You're a big boy.
-I'm excited to read this shit. -I'm excited that you're excited.
You're a funny motherfucker.
Right back at you, Sam. May I call you Sam?
Call me Calvin. My moms call me Calvin.
I'd be honored.
-You should. -I am.
-I'm gonna read this shit. - You do that.
-Right now. Wait right here. -No, I can't. I gotta go.
What if I gotta make changes or some shit like that?
You can email 'em to me. That way I can ignore it more easily.
You ready?
I gotta read this script.
But you said we were going out tonight.
-I'll make it up to you, all right? -Whatever.
Is it me, man? Or is she just hot beyond logic and reason?
-She be fine as wine. -I told you about...
I'm sorry. Why don't you take her out?
-You can read the script later. -That's my motherfuckin' career.
I'm gonna sit in my favorite chair and read every page.
Put a pen to this bitch, correct all the typos.
-I hate typos. -I hate typos too.
Shit... I do like when a girl come home from a club, though.
After dancing and drinking, they be hot as a fuck, ready to go.
-What time's your flight? -11:40.
That's plenty time to take Kali out for me.
Do me a solid. Take one of my whips.
That's tempting, but my hands are tied.
Go to an airport, or a beautiful woman?
I've spent many a time with many a beautiful woman. I can't do it.
-That's fucked up, man. -I gotta run.
I did you a solid with putting little Romeo's ass in the hospital for you.
-I did not ask you for that. -But you needed that.
That's what brothers do for each other. Feel me.
-A quick bite, but that's it. -That's all I'm asking for.
Keep your paws off her.
-And your fuckin' penis. -All right.
-I'm serious. -I heard that.
You be playing too much.
-You got it? -Communication delivered.
I got this fuckin' caddy with the hydraulics.
I'm so sorry. You must be going nuts.
Charlie, I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
I'm sorry, can I get you something to drink?
-No, I should probably go. -No, please, don't go.
-Please... -Okay.
This not exactly what I had in mind.
I'm sure, but whatever you had in mind is something I probably
couldn't stand for longer than five minutes, so...
-This will have to do. -You like torturing me, don't you?
-I do. Very much so. -Don't do that!
-Do what? -Don't look and talk like that.
-It makes my weiner feel weird. -We wouldn't want that.
What was that?
I was warned not to put my hands on you.
-What if I want your hands on me? -You're out of luck. They're gone.
I'm nothing but a torso. Laugh at the torso guy.
-You're a vicious woman. -You know he doesn't own me.
Be that as it may, he does seem like the jealous type.
That is one way to put it.
He almost chopped off one of his bodyguard's fingers
for looking at me in an impure manner.
Like there's any other way to look at you.
So that's when I tell you don't talk to me like that.
'Cause I might have to put hands on you.
So he's crazy... And you're crazy beautiful.
What's in it for you?
He discovered me, he signed me to his label, he's producing my album.
-And that's it? -No.
It's not like we're exclusive to each other.
I honestly can't even count how many babymamas he's got.
I like to keep it simple. I only have the one babymama.
You told me about that.
-Dance with me. -No.
-Come on. -No. Hankie don't dance.
Hold my purse!
-You've got a really beautiful place. -Thank you.
I'm jealous. You seem like you have it all figured it out.
I don't know anything about anything.
You've got a great kid, a successful career, a working automobile.
True, true and true. I also have a failed marriage,
a number of truly humiliating career turns,
and I haven't got an ounce of love in my life.
-Join the club. -A beautiful girl like you?
I bet you have your pick of the litter.
Any creep I want is mine for the taking.
It's hard to find a nice guy in L.A., and I'm not beautiful.
Really? You're insane.
And you're sweet. But I don't really fit the mold.
I want to write children's books, not screenplays.
Didn't you tell me you were going through cooking school?
That's the other thing. I can't make up my mind.
You like that? Tell me you like it.
Tell me you want Charlie's dirty fingers inside your pudding.
No, Charlie. I won't tell you that, and I don't like it.
You kind of just finger blasted me out of nowhere.
I know, I'm sorry.
I don't know what kind of porn you've been watching,
but we don't go from kissing to finger banging in a matter of seconds.
I've been watching so much porn on the Internet lately.
And I've been seeking so much sexual gratification,
that it's like I don't even know how to relate to real women anymore.
Clearly.
Yeah, it's as if going ATM has become de rigueur.
-What... -Ass to mouth.
-That's not good. -I know.
-You could get an infection. -I know. Been there.
What do we have here?
Who's this clown?
Just some old guy from earlier who keeps hitting on me.
-Said he'd give me 30 for a hand job. -Are we playing that game now?
-Why don't you take a walk? -Why don't you kiss my turd cutter?
So what's up? You wanna get hit?
You wanna dry thumb up the ass? You had to think about it, right?
You wanna just get out of here?
-Gladly. -You don't want to do that.
-Why not? -I'm in charge of getting you home.
-I'm in charge of getting me home. -Now you're splitting hairs.
-Pubic hairs. -I don't have any pubic hairs.
What's wrong with a little hair down there?
You kids today with your self-loathing pube abuse.
- Keep a clean playground? - What the fuck?
-It's a simple question, brosephine. -Yeah, of course, everyone does.
-Homo. -Say what?
You think that your father loved your mother's beautiful pussy
any less because she had more hair down there?
-Don't talk about my mom's pussy! -I said it was beautiful.
What are you doing?
Sorry!
Now this is more like it.
I still can't believe you gave that guy a titty-twister.
The titty-twister is frowned upon in some circles,
but it's actually a remarkably effective street-fighting tool.
It can diffuse a incendiary situation. It provokes laughter.
Gosh.
-I'm having fun. -I know how to show a girl good time.
Drinks, dancing, titty-twisting, toss a few burgers down our throat.
Get her home before this lowrider turns back into a pumpkin.
-This is amazing. -Bargain basement promise land?
Say what you want, but this is where dreams come true.
Or come to die. Where you from?
-Born and bred in the Bronx. -That's an amazing place...
To be from.
How many of us make it from there to here?
Doesn't matter. You did.
-We'll see how long I last. -Don't you worry.
-So... You leave tonight. -Yes sirree ma'am.
Let me ask you a question.
If you're leaving tonight, like, this very night...
What's the harm in a good-bye kiss?
-It's hard to see the harm. -I know, right?
- Maybe just one. - Yes. Of course.
What the fuck you got to say for yourself?
Santa Monica Cop cannot be my last credit.
My God.
-I'm fuckin' with you, Moody. -Funny how at peace I was with it.
You seemed like you were really relaxed.
What's up, mama?
Man, the script was off the charts, homie.
-You like it? -Nigga, I love it, man.
I'll be able to walk on that set with confidence, dude.
-Thank you, Moody. -You're welcome, Calvin.
-He show you a good time, mama? -Yeah, it was all right.
-Kind of limited, boring white guy. -Guilty as charged.
Y'all two motherfuckers knocked boots, man?
This guy? Are you serious?
Way to knock a guy when he's got a gun to his throat.
I can't stop fucking with you, man. I'm in character.
Understood.
-You got a flight to catch, right? -Mos def. Sorry.
-I do have a flight to catch. -Safe travels.
See you around!
Good luck with that becoming a star thing.
Thank you, and good luck with that whole keeping it simple thing.
Speaking of which... It's from the babymama.
-I got a lot of those motherfuckers. -How many?
I'm not sure. I got it written down somewhere.
Hello.
Where is she?
She's in her room. She won't come out.
I haven't seen her this upset since... ever.
Which is saying something.
This is good news. They broke up. He's gone.
But I'm not going to break out the champagne when she's this upset.
-He was cheating on her, Hank. -You kidding. I'll alert the media.
-Why would he tell her that? -I don't know.
These things, they... they hurt, you know?
I know.
Can I come in or are visiting hours over?
-Shut up! -There's my girl.
You can come in, but you better not gloat.
Gloat? Me? Never.
-Please, you hated him. -Yes, I did. But I hate everybody.
And you've got a tough road ahead of you.
Nobody's gonna be good enough for my little girl.
Guess I finally understand why mom put up with your shit for so long.
What do you mean?
He's an asshole and I hate his stinking guts right now.
But it doesn't mean that I don't love him.
Yeah. I get that.
And he was a great lover.
-That's gross, honey! -Sorry.
Thought I was talking to a friend for a minute there.
That's a great compliment. But it doesn't make it any less grody.
Have to hand it to the guy. He was honest.
That's good, right?
In a totally soul-crushing, heart-breaking kind of way.
Fessed up to being lying, cheating, skullduggerous little manwhore.
Come on, let's go. We'll walk on the canals.
Remember we used to do the shit out of that when you were a kid.
Come on, let's go!
-Don't you have a plane to catch? -I can always get one tomorrow.
Or the next day, or the next day. There's no place I'd rather be.
I'm sorry, sweetie.