Previously...
What you see us becoming?
-I enjoy the casual nature of things. -Asshole.
A bunny boiler situation, she's got a key to my place.
-Who dat? -My apartment's on fire.
-I just got fired. -Are you looking for a new gig?
I long for companionship.
You like that? Tell me you like it.
I won't tell you that and I don't like it.
I don't know how to relate to real women.
I am your child's nanny, which makes this thing inappropriate.
This is not what it looks like. This is my sister.
You will tell her you are a lying little man-whore.
I hear you.
He was cheating on her.
He fessed up to being a lying little man-whore.
-You're blowin' up. -What does that mean?
You're a fuckin' pimp!
Not in a good way. It's that chick from New York.
The one who set your apartment on fire?
The very same. She said she was just burning
all my first editions, but it got a little out of control.
These things happen. She still pissed at you?
No. It's all sweet talk and sexting now.
-She's here on business. -Are you gonna do it?
She's a psycho. Wonderful in the boudoir.
Why I kept it going after the expiration date.
-What was so wonderful? -Just the enthusiasm.
As if the act itself was rejuvenating to her.
As if she were dying of thirst and my cock was the fountain of youth.
I don't think a woman ever looked at my dick
like it offered health benefits.
She says she's got a surprise.
Maybe she killed Karen and Becca.
I'm not sure that's funny.
I'm sorry, sometimes I forget where the line is.
-No fucking way, right? -You tell her where you were staying?
-No. -Then you're all good.
Surprise!
Hi.
-How did you... -I tracked your iPhone, silly.
I figured out your password that one time.
Yeah, that one time.
Are we gonna stand here when we could be fucking?
CALIFORNICATION Season V, Episode 52
Jesus Christ. You just added seven years to my life.
That's my gift. I fuck in dog years.
It just fits so nicely inside there.
Id make a plaster cast of your dick and then make a dildo from it.
That's crazy. And flattering.
Maybe you could make an extra? I could fuck Charlie with it.
My body responds to you. It does things my brain says it shouldn't.
My brain can't believe I just slept with an arsonist.
Am I that much a slave to my fleshy massah?
Once you entered me there was no turning back.
I bought the ticket, I took the ride.
I never know if we're speaking metaphorically, it's exhausting.
I'm exhausted. You fucked me something proper.
-You just added seven years. -You said that already.
-I'm so drunk on cock. -You're insane!
When are you coming back to New York?
I'm in the middle of this wacky screenwriting gig
and my daughter's all distraught about her asshole boyfriend.
I got offered a job here. I think I'm gonna take it.
Jesus saves.
Don't get it, fuck me again! Stay here, fuck me again!
You don't wanna live forever, do you?
Hi.
So we're off to Neptune's Net. For heartbreak comfort food.
My heart is hungry. Care to join us?
-Let's go, come on. -Do you wanna put on some pants?
Karen, it's a question of time. Last one to the car has a rotten crotch.
Hi.
Aren't you going to introduce us?
This is my daughter, Becca. And her mother, Karen.
The famous Karen.
-Famous? -In some circles.
-Nice to meet you. -Carrie.
Carrie, from New York.
I was just distracted. I was praying for an earthquake.
Hank, this is so not a big deal. I'm married.
-Becca, she's an adult now... -Its nothing. I've seen some shit.
-She's seen some shit. -We assume you're out there dating.
We're not dating. I would love to, but Hank's damaged.
Broken. Old dog, no new tricks.
You should come over for dinner. Don't know what we're celebrating.
-Doesn't matter. -Stu has optioned Richard's novel.
You know I hate celebrating other writers' successes.
Marcy and Stu will be there. It's gonna be fun.
Or not.
I have to have drinks with a friend of a friend.
-She has to move on with her life. -I would much rather do this.
-I can't wait to meet your friends. -They're not really friends.
More like a bunch of very entertaining narcissists.
I like L.A. I could picture myself being here.
You don't wanna come here and become a cunty gym face.
One of those girls that comes out to L.A.,
joins the gym, gets addicted, and then next thing you know...
-You're funny. -I have my moments.
-We're so good together, Hank. -We have our moments.
-You never said anything. -About?
My job.
You've got a great job in the publishing capital of the world.
Business is changing. Print is dead.
Besides, I could be closer to this.
What are you doing? I don't know where you're going with it.
I might be going straight to Blowjob City.
-That far? -What do you think?
My eyes, they say no, but... my dick says "Yeah, I could eat."
We need to examine what you're getting out of this thing.
Hi, you must be Carrie.
-Am I gonna like this gal? -She's very nice.
"She's very nice..." Sounds like a weight problem.
You wanted to meet someone nice. A normal woman.
She is the nicest woman I know in all of Los Angeles.
I hate blind dates.
-The worst. -I could stay home.
We could watch a movie or something.
Inappropriate, Charlie. Yes, that.
You didn't tell her about my inappropriate behavior!
I told her that you shoved your hand up mt skirt
and started talking like a sexual deviant.
-What did she say? -I'm kidding, Charlie.
I was trying to talk you up, not have you arrested.
-If Stewart wakes up... -I've got it covered.
-Any advice? -Just be yourself, Charlie.
And who is that, exactly?
A toast to the bravest, most erotic book I have ever read.
Blood Mountain, by Richard Bates.
That's exactly what you said about "Fucking and Punching".
I meant it, Hank. It doesn't make it any less true.
To bending over and taking it. Hollywood style.
This from the 19th writer on Santa Monica Cop.
-Douche, my friend. -Kiss me, you supercilious fuck.
Carrie, how did you manage to nail down Hank for a year?
I would love to say it was me, but I think it was the sex.
He unleashed something in me, something primal.
Before Hank, it was just me and that little pink rabbit.
-Where is that pink rabbit today? -Sex toys.
What's the consensus?
Could we pretend to talk politics or the environment and end up with sex?
-We're all grown-ups here. -Karen hates talking about sex.
You guys wanna see something? Sex.
No!
Vagina. Pussy. Big hairy pussy!
I used to be that way. I was borderline frigid, actually.
But Hank, he opened me up. Emotionally and creatively.
The emotional safecracker.
I find Karen to be the most sexual woman I've ever copulated with.
She's quite ferocious, actually. Like a lioness.
-Ill put my head in the oven. -Will you save room for me?
I like the toys. Marcie not so much.
It's just that the noise takes me out of the game.
I tried to control the noise factor
by suggesting that perhaps we incorporate something quieter.
Dildo, perhaps. She balks.
Why would I need a dildo when I have you?
That's nice.
I mean, back in the Runkle era, however...
I could have benefitted from something with girth, some...
Don't speak ill of my boy when he's not here to defend.
Innocent until proven diminutive.
You fill me up, baby.
That is how I feel about Hank. He fills me up.
We're talking frankly about sex.
You don't have to talk quite so frankly.
I'll talk frankly about sex. I'll talk frankly about dildos.
A man's anus is an erogenous zone.
There's nothing gay about having one's prostate stimulated.
Sounds about as gay as Tom Hanks in a white sailor's outfit.
I don't see it that way.
You've inserted a dildo into this man's bunghole?
You know me!
I don't know if I'm proud of you or ashamed or just sad for humanity.
No she hasn't. She's not comfortable with it.
I'm not comfortable with anything my bride's not comfortable with.
That was a long time ago. Boundaries were blurry back then.
That was the gay '90s!
It seems like it was raining cock back then, was it?
I would stimulate your prostate with pride and zero prejudice.
That's sweet of you, thank you.
You've never experimented? No towel snapping incidents?
Sword fights, perhaps?
-That was a pretty big one. -What?
That incredibly awkward silence. It's our third of the night.
I wasn't counting.
I think awkward silences get a bad rap.
Who really has that much to say?
You don't have to make excuses. I'm sure it's my fault.
-Don't be silly. -I'm out of practice.
I haven't been out on a proper date in a long time.
-Tell me about it! -He took me to medieval times.
He kept putting his hand up my skirt which would have been fine.
You eat with your hands. And he'd been fingering his chicken.
Four and counting.
We can cash in our chips, go our separate ways,
or we can power through and find common ground.
-I'm game if you're game. -Sure!
Yeah, I'm game. I like your spirit, Charlie.
-How do you know Lizzie? -She's in my book club.
Books! Excellent topic. How do you like to read?
-Digital age and what not? Nook? -I'm a Nook girl!
You're looking at an iPad guy. What is on your virtual bookshelf?
Blood Mountain, by Richard Bates. Have you read it? It is so dirty.
-I sold the film rights. -You're shitting me.
I think it's a little something they call... common ground.
-Up high. -My hands are a little sweaty.
The average length of intercourse is only 2 1/2 minutes.
That means nothing when you're tantric.
-I'm working on that. -It's a long journey, my friend.
Well worth it in the end.
After prima-Charlie, anything longer than a Ramones song seems tantric.
I hadn't released a batch in 14 years.
-What's wrong with you? -It happens on the inside.
She was insulted. Thought she was doing something wrong.
She was doing everything right.
She was making me explode, but up here.
It is like a Fourth of July fireworks in the screening room, my mind.
Sex should have a very strict three-act structure.
Maybe a third act twist thrown in there for good measure.
-Hank is an incredible lover. -For fuck's sake.
She knows.
You and Karen had a tremendous sex life.
I'm glad she was fulfilled in that way.
If it sets the bar higher for me, so much the better.
There's no resting on one's laurels in that bedroom.
My man is a pretty fabulous fucking lover.
-We're sharing. I love you. -I could eat this woman for dessert.
Stop with all this lover bullshit!
The next thing I know one of you is gonna suggest group sex.
What is wrong with you?
Charlie. I have to tell you something.
It unhooks in the front. I always get it mixed up.
-I've never done this before. -I'm not judging you.
You don't understand. I'm a virgin.
-What? -I've never had sex.
Never? Ever?
I let my friend Lindsay finger me in seventh grade.
She was morbidly obese and smelled like McDonald's French fries.
-She also farted in the middle of it. -We don't have to do this.
No, I wanna do this.
I've been sitting around waiting for Mr. Right
and I just want a Mr. Right Now to deflower me.
For better or worse, that's you.
I want you to be the first man on my moon.
I don't wanna die a smelly, stinky old virgin creature.
-You don't seem that stinky. -Thank you.
This is really a lot to process. I don't know how I feel about this.
I understand if you don't wanna do it.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I waited around for Prince Charming forever... And he never showed.
I have needs, Charlie. Desires.
I'm not a prude.
I'll do things. Dirty things.
-You're blowing my mind right now. -Ravage me, Charlie!
There you are. Knocking at my door!
I can see that the king has sent you, my liege,
to collect my hymen and I shall bequeath it to you!
That feels good!
Push it in! Go get it! Go and don't be afraid.
What's happening? What happened to your little...
You're not attracted to me. I mean, how could you be?
It's not you, it's a lot of pressure to be someone's first.
I'm sorry.
-I feel so ashamed. -You should be.
Shame boner.
-It's back. -So it is.
-Do you still wanna? -Sure, okay.
Yeah, let's do it.
-That's it? -Yeah, pretty much.
That's how a lot of first times are.
Anal sex doesnt get enough credit. I used to think it was dirty fun.
I think it's about something more. Intimacy.
To go in through the out door is the most beautiful act known.
I agree. I have a lot to say on the subject.
Becca! Where you been?
-Nowhere special. -Nowhere special with whom?
-If you must know, Tyler. -Are you serious?
-You said that was over. -I was.
He kept texting me, so I cracked and texted him back. We cleared the air.
-It's back on? -Not necessarily.
It took you so long to get over him. You're gonna forgive him?
Yeah. Wonder where I got that from.
-That's no way to talk to your... -She's right.
No. Even if she were, it's your job to make her feel like she's wrong.
-That's fucked up. -You know what's fucked up?
That D'Artagnan-looking motherfucker with his hair and his facial hair.
-Wanna talk about this later? -We get back to talking about anal?
The woman you're disrespecting is under my jurisdiction.
We talk about a child we share.
You and I are gonna end up back on that dance floor!
I'd be happy to dance with you, pansexual fucking weirdo.
-I'm getting your Irish up there. -Care for a drink?
-You'd like that! -Let's see that fucking mangina.
I'll bust her out right now.
It's nice to be fought over but let's not ruin the bromance.
This is never going anywhere, is it?
You're never gonna be able to commit to another woman!
This is neither the time nor the place.
I was gonna try and convince you to give it another try.
You know what's hilarious? The fact that we broke up.
And you set my apartment on fire!
This whole time I was thinking that this was my fault.
But it's you.
You're a loser, Hank. All your friends here,
they all have love in their lives, they've moved on.
-But you, you have nothing. -Cheers, thank you.
Congratulations, Karen. I don't know how you did it...
What do you mean?
I'm sorry you got hurt. I thought you understood me.
You fucked me in the ass, Hank! I swallowed your cum.
Worst of all I swallowed your bullshit.
Rationalize it all you want by saying that
you were always honest with me, but it's still stealing.
-Are you okay? -Just licking my wounds.
Marcy and Stu will give you a ride. Or you could spend the night with us.
-I'd rather go noose shopping. -That's a shame. We'll miss you.
-Chick really leveled me, didn't she? -Yeah, she got you pretty bad.
Took me back to some of our greatest hits.
-How I miss our fights of fancy. -How I don't.
When you and Bates got together I was happy,
I thought "It's fucking lunacy, this is never gonna work," but it does.
Kind of.
It's been kind of nice in a way though.
Not having to watch you fall in love with someone else.
-I don't want you to be lonely. -I ain't lonely.
Yes, you are. You're like this little boy lost.
It didn't work out between us and you're still pouting.
You picked up your ball and you run home
and you're never gonna play with anyone else again.
I guess being in New York makes it easier to forget
that I still love the shit out of you, Karen.
-I said that out loud, didn't I? -So?
I still love you. I always will. Till the day I die.
But I had to choose happiness. I have to make that a priority.
I'm with someone who understands that I will never stop loving you.
That makes me happier than I've ever been.
That's fantastic.
She's right, you're wonderful.
When women get to know you, of course they want more.
It's cruel to let them think that they can have it when really...
it's no more than a hologram.
I'm not out there trying to hurt anyone, Karen.
What do you think Becca's suffering from now?
Some guy charmed his way into her heart, and she wants more.
I've given her some kind of horrible daddy complex?
I'm talking about you. Worry about yourself.
All your life is a series of fucking meaningless...flings...
and some idealized vision of our love story...
Then I'm really sad for you. I know what you're capable of.
What if you're wrong? What if this is it for me?
What if I'm destined to wait for the band to get back together?
You'll be waiting on a miracle.