Previously...
You're so beautiful, you're almost ugly.
-It was nice to meet you. -Never got your name.
I wanna do my own thing, my own moment.
Santa Monica Cop is my Eddie Murphy moment.
Ger your sexy ass over here! Hank Moody, this is Kali !
You should be at Starbucks writing me some funny shit.
I don't think I can do it.
Keep your paws off her. And your fuckin' penis.
Meet Richard Bates!
Haven't touch that stuff for a very long time. Pour me another!
Let me unveil beautiful man pussy!
-How's Becca? -Boyfriend? I wanna kill him.
This is not what it looks like. This is my sister.
-What was that about? -Some guy my daughter's seeing.
-He's gonna break her heart. -Maybe we should break his legs.
Tyler was leaving some club and he got jumped by gangbangers.
Problem solved. No need to thank me.
Killing bad guys is your business, and business be fucking crackin', yo.
That's right, motherfucker. Know who that is?
No. It looks kinda like Ryan Seacrest though.
-What you got against Ryan Seacrest? -The guy just bugs the shit outta me.
He works hard, make millions of dollars, and he got a catchphrase.
And you wanna kill him dead? That's some harsh shit, Moody.
You got too much negative energy in you.
-Excuse me. -That's fucking Kali's new boyfriend.
-She's got a new boyfriend? -She moved out of my crib.
She ain't comfortable mixing business and pleasure anymore.
-What kinda shit is that, man? -She say she's seeing someone else?
Fuck no. I know how that shit goes. Somebody gotta be tapping that ass,
'cause that ass is too fine not to be tapped.
And he will get his dick shot the fuck off.
Don't do anything crazy, Sam you am.
You're mere months away from becoming an A-list "raptor".
-What the fuck is that? -Rapper turned actor.
-Get it? -No.
-I like it. Whatever. -Fucking bitch drives me crazy.
Maybe it's the case of a nigga who wants some shit he can't have.
True dat. This nigga has often fell prey to that on some occasions.
I'm sorry. My bad. I'm in the wrong there.
-What you doing tonight, man? -Nothing.
Wrong. You're rolling with me on a ride-along.
-A ride-along? -With the real Santa Monica P.D.
Wanna be authentic. I need to hit the streets to get the feel for this shit.
You need to be taking some notes So be there...
Or be six feet under motherfucker!
CALIFORNICATION Series V, Episode 53
-You gotta go. -I don't gotta do nothing.
At the absolute worst, it'll be an absolute fucking blast.
Sooner or later this guy's gonna find or figure out
that I'm fucking the object of his gangstery affections,
and when that happens, I'm toast.
I still think you should go.
You should be focused on protecting my ass, not just my career.
Your career is just fine.
You are the guy that got "Santa Monica Cop" a green light.
There's a dubious honor.
I got serious interest in you for a whole bunch of projects.
That's great. Really? Why just as an aside? What are they?
I don't know. I got 'em written down on a buckslip somewhere.
-Worst agent ever. -I will go with you.
Keep you out of harm's way. I will be your human Kevlar.
It's no problem, none at all.
That's just the kind of service you get for your 10%.
-You wanna ride in the police car. -Ever since I was a little boy.
You're not invited.
But I could be, right? I could tag along for the ride-along.
I feel like crushing one of your testicles.
Does that mean I can go?
Fine, let's go, powder. I hope you get killed in the line of duty.
Feels unnatural to me, voluntarily arriving at a police station.
Smells like crime, punishment, and the urine of homeless.
Where is that lunatic?
Hands behind your back! 'Cause you under arrest.
-What the fuck for? -For jerking off on the job!
What the fuck?
I scared the shit out you.
Do your Runkle imitation for Runkle himself. Check it out.
I don't see what's so funny about that. It's not even realistic.
Did you watch the video? It was more like this.
That's true.
-Commando. -I didn't invite him.
Fucker invited himself. Tell him.
I always wanted to ride in a cop car. It's a boyhood dream.
Keep your mouth shut and your dick in your pants.
A'ight.
Shotgun!
So this is it, boys. Welcome to the jungle. Take a whiff.
Sorry, that was me.
There's not a whole lot of glamour to the profession.
This is fucking awesome. Can I turn this light on?
-No. -Can I pull someone over?
And stop touching stuff. You're like a big baby.
That's what I always say.
Any available unit in the vicinity of Pico and 23rd...
Ain't you gonna get that? That shit's close by.
Nah, somebody will get it. Eventually.
Sounds pretty unpleasant. Besides, I gotta babysit you bed wetters.
What's this movie about?
It's about Hollywood's need to recycle even the lamest ideas
in an effort to maximize... stuff.
I don't know. I'm out.
You need to look at the world through the eyes of a child like Runkle.
It's about a tough kid who grew up in Compton, becomes a cop,
gets transferred to Santa Monica, and uses his smarts to fuck up whitey.
-So it's like "Beverly Hills Cop". -You are correct, sir.
-Nah, it's based in Santa Monica. -Yeah, it's set in Santa Monica.
Mr. Officer, that guy is clearly texting while driving.
-Let's get him. -Who gives a fuck?
I do it. I'd be a hypocrite if I pulled somebody over for that shit.
You imagine getting pulled over for texting?
-What's your take on drunk driving? -That's a good question.
That depends really, mostly on the cut of their jib.
If the guy's a real d-bag, his ass is mine. He is going down.
And the same thing for a hot chick. Down on this.
-All right. -Get a load of bad lieutenant.
-You ever shoot a motherfucker? -Just once. It was a little kid.
I thought the kid had a piece. Turns out it was an iPod Touch.
Bet he was black. Was he black?
Of course he was black. Why do you think I shot first?
Cop or no cop, man, he pull this fucking car over,
I'm gonna bitch-smack that motherfucker.
-Runks, get your shit together. -I was thinking about little Stewie.
He's always playing with his iPod Touch.
He's got this app on it that makes it sound like a gun.
He used to love to point it at Irma and pretend to shoot her in the head.
-That's adorable. -For the grace of God!
I'm fucking with you. Never pulled my piece out on the job.
Never. Not once.
Too bad the same can't be said for Runks.
I don't know.
Who's hungry?
I can't believe this, we're sitting around watching a cop eat donuts.
It's a cliche, but they're so delicious!
Plus donuts got sugar and carbs, a quick burst of energy.
Coffee keeps me awake and alert. Hot call comes in, I'm ready.
-You need me to talk slower? -It's all right up here.
Fill 'er up, Dotty.
If I want to sit around and eat donuts, I coulda stayed home.
You wanted to see what a night in the life of a cop is like.
I drive around. I try not to get myself killed.
I feed the pain that comes from knowing I put my life on the line.
That and the pain of dealing with a messy divorce.
Banging a fucking fireman.
Chick must really have a thing for guys in uniform.
Ever since 9/11, firemen get all the pussy.
You see that chick right there? Total pro.
-How can you tell? -Years of experience.
How much she charges?
25 bucks will get you some suction. Gotta wear a rubber though.
50 bucks, she'll let you throw deli meat at her ass.
-75, she'll let you tase her. -Why would anybody want to do that?
People are sick. I'm telling you what's on the menu.
Runkle, how much to tase you?
Mr. Samurai, sir, I've been tased, and it is no fun.
It's fun.
That said, I'd probably do it for a crisp hundy.
-I'll throw in. -Each maybe.
-Shit, it's happening! -What's happening?
My heart. Another episode. God damn it!
-Are you sure? -Got an intense pain in my chest.
Something not good is definitely happening to my body.
You guys are gonna have to drive me to the hospital.
-I'm calling my agent. -I'm right here.
-My new agent. -U.T.K. is a unique agency.
I'll take care of this, then I'll take care of you.
Okay, 911 it is.
Man down!
God damn!
One minute, you're eating a donut, waxing all poetic.
The next you're stroking out all over the floor.
-That makes you think. -About laying off the donuts.
-Think he's gonna be okay? -He seemed pretty tweaked.
I know that he appreciated you holding his hand, Runks.
-What do you think? -We should add a stroke scene.
Nice.
We best be thinking about getting ourselves a cab.
Maybe one of your crew guys can come pick us up?
Call the midget. I love that little dude.
-That little nappy-headed nigga. -Mr. Lowercase "T".
I don't think that's a good idea. We could get in a lot of trouble.
For what? Gonna take it back to the police station.
It's the moral thing, the polite thing.
I don't wanna get in any trouble.
I thought it was your boyhood dream to ride in a police car.
I have fulfilled that dream.
Now it's time we should all go home and reflect.
-Shotgun! -Where you going?
You're just gonna leave me here?
It looks like you're gonna leave without me.
I'm coming. Can I drive?
Could have let me sit in the front.
-I called shotgun. -There's nothing to do back here.
You're like a small child, and it's pissing me the fuck off.
Boring.
This motherfucker driving all fucking slow. Watch this!
Pow, motherfucker!
I think we're playing with fire, Sam.
Hank has only recently finished his probation.
-For what, being a rapist? -Stop it with all that rapist shit!
-I'm sensitive about that. -That's what I like about you.
You're an outlaw. Truth.
I prefer raper... to rapist.
Grab the wheel for me.
Yeah.
You probably want to put that on speaker.
-Have it your way. -What up, man? What?
No, singed for nothin'. I'll be right there.
Be right where?
My boy saw Kali in the club getting cozy with some clown-ass nigga.
We're going back to the police station first, right?
Something tells me no.
You gotta strike when the iron fist is hot.
Yeah, but what if something bad goes down?
I do want witnesses, especially some white motherfuckers.
-'Cause we're white? -Cops believe white motherfuckers.
Y'all got my back, right? You'd lie for me, right?
Not if it's against the law.
-You lie for a living. -Man's got a point.
I think someone's following me. Feel like I'm in danger.
Get outta here. Can't you see we're working? We on a stakeout.
-The lady says she's in danger. -You want a free hummer, don't you?
Come on inside here, sweetheart. That's the way you treat a lady.
Thank you. My dogs are barking.
-How's business tonight? -It's a little slow.
There she is.
All right, what do you say we leave the car out of this...
-And we proceed on foot. -Stop worrying about the car!
-Can I do it? -Fuck yeah, go for it.
-How come he gets to do it? -I like him better.
We're pulling you over. Pull over to the right.
What are you, stupid? Your other right. There you go.
So what's the move here, good cop, bad cop, bald cop?
How 'bout bad cop, bad cop? Bald cop stays in the fucking car.
Works for me.
That was sweet of you to let me in. Give me shelter from the storm.
It's nothing. Who likes to see a lady in danger?
Not this cop. Lieutenant Charles W. Runkle.
-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you too.
-So you a detective? -Yep.
I like to take a couple of the rookies out on a 5-8-7 now and again,
It's just good old-fashioned police work.
How 'bout a good old-fashioned blowjob?
This one's on me, 'cause you're an officer and a gentleman.
Out of the car, ma'am.
Hank!
License and registration, motherfucker. Come on, look alive.
-What the fuck? -He misses you.
I moved out of his place because he is a fucking psycho.
Sooner or later he's gonna find out about us.
I'm not gonna tell him. Are you gonna tell him?
-No way. -So we don't have a problem.
I know where the fuck you live at. Get out the car.
-He's sweet in a way. -You think he's all warm and cuddly.
-I don't. -I'm saying watch yourself.
I try to get out, but he pulls me back in with the money.
And, the money.
And the exceptional weed. And you look hot tonight.
I'm thinking maybe I should handcuff you to be safe.
-What was I doing wrong? -You tell me. Turn around.
-You been drinking? -Not at all.
Not at all? Bullshit. You was at the club, wasn't you?
Step over there.
Something smell funky to me. You been drinking pussy?
-No. -No what?
No, I haven't been drinking pussy, officer.
Ain't good enough for you to drink?
I'm sure she got a very drinkable pussy.
-We haven't gotten there yet. -Think you gonna get there?
-I think I can close this, yeah. -What if she's somebody else's girl?
Then I say that that someone else in question
isn't doing a good job making her happy.
Is that what you say, nigga?
-Calvin, what are you doing? -He's disrespecting both of us.
You know him?
You want me to call 911 so that you can deal with the real cops?
-I want you to come home with me. -Fuck you!
Wait a second, you ain't a real cop? Shit, you could have fooled me.
I'm gonna take that as a compliment.
I ain't gonna apologize. Keep your hands off my bitch.
Wait a second. Aren't you Samurai Apocalypse?
-Shit! -No shit.
God, you give an exceptional blowjob. Seriously!
Something to be said for putting in the time.
Have you read "Outliers?" Malcolm Gladwell.
He claims that the secret to success in any field
is a simple matter of practicing a specific task
for about 10 000 hours.
-You wanna suck my dick now? -What?
You want me to take mine out? Want me to put it in your mouth?
Your dick?
Buck up, buddy-boy. It doesn't matter. You didn't know.
-It doesn't count. -Did you know?
-Of course. Didn't you know? -Fuck yeah.
Seen the size of that Adam's apple? Do I look ignorant to you?
You look like a guy who could spot a tranny hooker from a mile away.
Motherfucking right.
Shit, this bitch Kali got my fucking heart on fire.
I know how that feels, brother. But you know what Sting says.
What does Sting say?
He says that if you love somebody, you set them free.
-Sting says that? -Yep, he sure does.
-You're fucking with me. -No, he says that. He sings about it.
That saying been around since the stone ages.
Sting's the one who wrote a song about it.
-You think I'm dumb, don't you? -No.
-Then why are you condescending? -I'm not. I'm relating.
-I got a broken heart right now. -I know.
Fucking nigga, sticking his pencil dick in my sweet pound cake.
I relate. Right now the love of my life is getting pounded
by some omnisexual chicken hawk, doesn't feel good.
-It could be worse. -How?
Coulda just had your dick drained by a tranny hooker.
True dat.
It's not funny! Why are you laughing?
Becca, hey, sweetie! I thought you weren't talking to me.
Hold up. Slow down.
It's back? I gotta see this. We'll be there.
-What's up? -We got somewhere we gotta go.
Let's go deep!
-What happened? -See for yourself.
It's the coolest thing that I've ever seen.
What? It was, I'm sorry.
Peek-a-boo, and fine wine. Come on up, honey.
Get down now!
What are you doing here?
Long story, and not as interesting as what's happening here.
What happened?
-Tyler switched drinks. -Jesus, that kid is a young me.
Hey, Batesy!
God damn it! It's great to see you! I'm so glad you could make it.
Good to see you too, man. Loving that man-gina.
Thank you. It is fucking liberating.
You wanna some clothes on before the law gets here?
No, nonsense. I'm tucked.
I was telling Karen I used to fuck guys like Tyler back in prison.
Did I ever tell you about the year I spent behind bars?
Yeah, I was researching a novel about prison life,
so I knocked over a little liquor store.
The research was great, but there was an unexpected gift.
I fell in love there. Twice. Two very different men.
And we still keep in touch.
Men in prison make exceptional pen pals.
Letters like short stories. Remember your first short story?
Finishing mine gave me a thunderous erection.
You remember your first erection?
I had a big crush on the blonde from "The Beverly Hillbillies".
Elly May Clampett. Spilt a lot of boy milk to that foxy little tramp.
Thanks to that fine memory, the blood is starting to flow down south.
This could be pretty hard to tuck in a minute.
I'm going for a run. Give me a hug.
I love you, babe. Don't wait up.
-You want me to go after him? -Just let him run it off.
-Tyler, not cool. -I'm speechless.
-Not cool at all. -I know.
I'm sorry, all right? I feel bad.
Becca told me how crazy he gets when he drinks.
-It was too tempting. -I understand, but...
He was being a dick. It's like he was standing in for you tonight.
Literally giving me a hard time about every single word I said.
I hit my limit.
An order of ankio, man.
-Is he with you by any chance? -Who, that...
-That woman? -No, him.
Officer Dolemite? I've never seen him before in my life.
I'm pretty sure he was there the night I got my ass kicked.
That would be quite a coinkydink. You sure you're not being racist?
You seen that naked guy run outta here?
Fucking dick swinging in some real white boy shit.
Ain't this the little Romeo we had to smack down at the club?
-Yes, it is. Good to see you. -You're healing real good.
-Dad, what did you do? -Nothing. I did nothing.
- Will you tell them? - Will you answer her?
Tell 'em that I didn't do anything of that nature.
No, he ain't do anything though, but I knew it was important to him.
That's what we do for each other. Happy to do it again if necessary.
-It's not necessary. -Let's go.
I don't see why you getting so fucking bent up about it.
-That was very helpful. -Cool, let's get some sake.
Unfiltered sake, nigori.
-I wanna see some new pages. -What have we learned tonight?
Our boy Runkle learned what it's like to come in a tranny hooker's mouth.
Thank you so much.
I'd almost managed to stop thinking about it for five whole seconds.
Gargle, yo.
Holy shit, yo. Check that out.
What the fuck?
-Batesy! Want a ride? -I don't mind if I do.
Thanks, boys. Who's up for a cocktail?
Fuck!