Previously...
Come on up!
-Tyler switched drinks. -He really is a young me!
Give me a hug.
Don't wait up.
-Is he with you? -Never seen him before.
Are you the boy we smacked down at the club?
Yes, it is.
-Dad, what did you do? -Nothing. Tell them.
I knew it was important for him. That's what we do for each other.
That's plenty time to take Kali out.
Keep your paws off her. And your fuckin' penis.
-It's her fucking boyfriend. -Shes got a new boyfriend?
-Hes gonna find out about us. -Im not gonna tell him. You?
-No way. -We dont have a problem.
If you're leaving tonight, this very night...
-What's the harm of a kiss? -Maybe just one.
Batesy !
Hank?
-You're giving me the willies. -Thought it'd help my cause.
Who can turn their backs on a sad clown?
Let me guess: My wife and your daughter.
Not even so much as a smile. Still hittin' the sauce?
I got it under control. Falling off the wagon
is typically followed by a bit of a bender.
It usually works itself out in a week or three.
I'm not worried.
I'm glad to hear that.
I'm sorry, Hank. They'll get over it. Eventually.
In a week or three, but that's the thing.
There's nothing to get over. I didn't do anything.
You're preaching to the choir.
I wouldn't give two fucks if you had done it.
-I didn't done it. -Okay. I get it.
That shit would be between you, me, and the wall.
Nothing actually happened. So there's nothing to tell you.
I'm sorry, baby.
-I'll make you some breakfast. -That sounds good!
-Tell him I'm not talking to him! -She's not talking to him.
That's a fine how-do-you-do-do. You'll forgive him, but not me?
-I'll work on her for you. -One day at a time.
Hells to the no!
-Hank fuckin' Moody. -No more notes, Sam.
Just find another writer. I won't be offended.
It ain't about that movie shit. I need to see your ass now.
-What about? -Kali.
-What about Kali? -Get your ass over to my studio.
-You hear me? -Yeah. I'm coming.
-Or else my boys come get you. -No.
-Don't blow me off, Moody. -I'm on my way.
All right, mo'fucker.
CALIFORNICATION Season V, Episode 54
-I can explain. -You better explain yourself.
It was a long flight. We got to talking.
-One thing led to another. -What the fuck you talkin' about?
I don't know... What the fuck are you talkin' about?
I'm talkin' about the fact that you're always fuckin' late.
That's some real passive-aggressive shit, right?
I don't. But in a larger sense, my time will always be my time.
It will always mean more to me personally.
Shut the fuck up and buy a watch.
-I need your help, Moody. -How can I be of service, my liege?
I got this piece of music.
That is... mighty purty. Vintage Elton John.
-This bitch ain't no Bernie Taupin. -That's why we can't work together.
She can't write not fuckin' lyrics. A pretty face and a smile.
How can I help?
Help the girl write some fuckin' lyrics, man.
I write books... screenplays, emails...
Writin' is writin', man. Help a brother out.
I'll give it a shot. But we're gonna have to get good and drunk first.
That's the best idea I've heard all day. Let's go.
-Where are we starting? -I don't know.
It's obviously a love song. So what rhymes with love?
Dove, shove.
"Did you just shove a dove up my ass and call it love?"
Writing lyrics is easy. Next! The "no fun" face.
What do you wanna write about?
I didn't come all the way here to write cheesy love songs.
I specialize in cheese... big, gooey globs of it.
I just want it to be... bittersweet and dark.
You are nothing if not a semisweet piece of...
Milk chocolate?
-You are cheesy. -Yeah.
Speaking of love and whatnot... Two whiskies, keep 'em coming.
The samurai is deep in it. Wit' you.
What does that guy know about love? He's a spoiled man-child.
He can't have me. Wants to control his product.
Everybody's got that someone that gets under their skin.
Maybe you have that fungal property for him.
If somebody was asking me about a short story,
I'd ask them, "What are you trying to say?"
I don't know.
I'd love to talk about coming to L.A. for the first time.
And the fact that you tend to leave something or someone behind.
Now we're getting somewhere.
I can remember that shit as if it were yesterday.
-So what do you think? -I think we should keep looking.
I got a good feeling about this place. Especially the bedroom.
You've said that about every place we've seen.
That's a tribute to how warm I am for your form.
I'm still chafing from this morning, so...
-Hotels make me horny. -What doesn't make you horny?
Cockroaches. Dead babies. Poop.
-Look how close we'd be to beach. -And the homeless.
Which would alleviate any homesickness that might develop.
-You so don't wanna do this? -I just think of Becca.
-It feels all wrong. -She's so little and adaptable.
Totally dependent on us. If she complained,
we could threaten to abandon her, that would shut her up immediately.
-You really sure about this? -I'm not, no.
Charlie thought it would be good to spend time here
so people could put this visage to the name.
I'm trying to do what my agent says for once
rather than telling him to fuck off and get me paid.
You know what? We were doing just fine.
-No, we weren't. -Yes.
-We couldn't even afford cable. -That was a choice.
-Really? -Yes.
You're not being a very supportive baby mama.
-I thought I was your muse. -You are.
Compared to what we paid for in New York for a broom closet,
that place is a steal.
Plus, you'd get that.
Just like home.
So next we have... We need to go to...
What is it, "Sepul-Veda"?
-Look alive. -Sorry.
-Where'd you just go? -Nowhere. Just digging deep.
-What rhymes with "vagina"? -I'm not gonna sing "vagina."
That could be seriously groundbreaking shit.
-Some songwriter you are. -Here we go.
I got something here. You ready?
People think it's funny. But it's really hot and runny
Diarrhea...
People think it's gross. But it's really good on toast.
Here comes the chorus.
-This is my career. -You don't wanna have any fun?
-What do you want to write about? -I don't know.
Tell me about the guy you left behind.
He was jealous.
You seem to attract the jealous type. You bad girl, you.
I'm not bad, I'm just... drawn that way.
A hip-hop Jessica Rabbit?
He didn't like... the attention I was getting from our friend Samurai.
Who could blame him?
I got the offer to come here and to make a record.
I have an offer for you!
-Why are you yelling? -It's my style. It's bombastic.
-My clients love it. -Not this client.
Sorry.
-What's the offer? -There is a script at Universal.
They start production. They need a polish.
I can polish things.
You have never polished anything in your entire life, ever.
Do I not polish your beautiful lady parts on a semi-nightly basis?
-How much? -25 a week.
-25... -Grand.
-Look at his face. -I love L.A.
I said it, I meant it. I'm here to represent it.
-Who are you right now? -I don't know.
You're gonna love it here too, Karenina.
They kissed.
I don't think a decision has yet been made.
Why?
-We're still looking at places. -"We" means "she."
I sensed that.
This motherfucker had to drag me kicking and screaming here.
-Now I fucking love it. -What do you love about it?
Everything is fake!
People are indistinguishable from actors.
Hank's career is about to explode. He needs to be here.
Charlie Runkle.
-Ali, so nice to see you. -You too.
Is this him?
Hank Moody, Ali Andrews, your executive on God Hates Us All.
-You didn't tell me he was gorgeous. -For you to discover.
Great to meet you, Hank. I'm a huge fan.
-No, you're not. -I am a huge fan, Hank.
I love you. I cannot wait to get started.
People are very excitable here. Ali, is it?
This is Karen. Karen is my...best friend,
my lover... and my baby mama.
-Nice to meet you, Ali. -Nice to meet you too.
Could I buy you a drink? We've got a meeting tomorrow,
but I would love to get you up to speed.
Go. Hit the ground running. Get up to speed.
You know how I love jargon.
There's something you're not telling. You're holding out on me, lady.
What if I think the truth makes me a bad person?
Maybe the truth is what you need to finish this song.
The night I left for L.A., the night that I met you...
Me and my ex had one last dinner. We'd been arguing a lot.
I was happy to leave town. But that night, he was so sweet.
He was the guy I had been in love with for as long as I can remember.
And I wanted to... stay.
I wanted to be with him.
But then he asked me if I slept with Samurai.
I lied. I told him what he wanted to hear.
He pulled a ring out and asked me to marry him.
-What'd you say? -Nothing.
I was speechless.
I got up, I went to the bathroom. I splashed some water on my face.
I slipped out the back,
jumped in a cab, went straight to the airport.
Didn't look back.
I knew, if I went back to the table, I would have said yes.
But... Then my dreams would never come true.
Hey, lady. Come on back to bed.
I found this in your pocket.
Ali Andrews. "Please call me anytime."
Give me a break. I didn't even look at it.
-Shows you how much I care. -Looked like you cared last night.
-She was full of kind words. -She's a huge fan.
-She would totally fuck you. -I only want to fuck you.
But that could change, you know. L.A. changes people.
Cities don't change people. People don't even change people.
Do you really think we're gonna beat the odds?
Fuck the odds. We make our own odds.
-You're incredibly naive. -And you're incredibly incredible.
Not to mention beautiful.
And you still get me wetter
than a west African slut during monsoon season.
I'm so not charmed by that. That's repulsive.
You know I love you long time.
No trampy D-girl is ever gonna change any of that.
Really?
Now, come on. Come on back to bed.
Let's californicate.
-Really? Is it different here? -A little bit.
Let's get wet.
-This is cheesy, Hank. -Fuck you.
I'm just kidding. It's beautiful.
You think you can work with it?
I hope so. I mean, they're beautiful words.
But they're just words. You gotta make the music.
I can make them work.
They're like a time machine. Take me back to New York.
I remember exactly how excited I was, and how sad and scared.
You think you'll ever make it back to your guy?
I don't know.
I spend a lot of time going back and forth in my head
about what might have been and, "just as well."
I know the feeling.
There are people in your life who... they inspire art.
You blow them up into these mythical characters
and you give them all those magical qualities.
Or maybe they're stepping stones for something bigger and better.
-A cynical way to look at things. -Yeah, well, look at you.
I got a song out of you. That's fuckin' cool.
God, I feel so exploited.
What do I get for digging deep and baring your soul?
Anything you want.
It's not right to capitalize on this heartbreak and champagne.
-It's more than that, you know that. -I do?
Because, no matter how messy or wrong...
or how much trouble we can get into, we just keep coming back.
True that.
Or maybe that's what makes it so hot.
Can I get you another water?
-No, I'm fine. -Yeah, you don't look fine.
-How do I look? -Thunderstruck.
-A good word. -I know it's a lot to take in.
-I should call Charlie. -What would you say?
I don't think I'd say anything. I'd just scream.
I understand. Your book is brilliant.
Now we're gonna make it into a movie.
-But you gotta trust me. -It's not a romantic comedy.
Your book is deeply romantic and very funny.
-Also very dark and bittersweet. -Totally.
-Is this really happening? -Yes.
You're not responding in the appropriate manner...
My better half would cut off my dick if she knew what was going on.
Shouldn't mention it.
-She thinks you're of ill-repute. -She's right.
I wish I could tell her. She'd be thrilled.
How long have you been together?
-Do you care? -You don't cheat on her?
-No. Am I supposed to? -None of my business.
I just misjudged you.
-What does that mean? -Nothin'.
First draft, 12 weeks. Is that doable?
-Don't see why not. -Good luck with the writing.
Get me Todd Carr!
Went to the studio. Too excited. Couldnt wait. Thank you! Kali.
-How was your meeting? -Kind of a nightmare.
-Did she try to fuck you? -Of course.
I'm irresistible. I'm like Spanish fly to these Hollywood types.
-But it did get me thinkin'. -About...
-Let's not and say we did. -What do you mean?
Fuck it. Fuck this place. Why mess with a good thing?
"Leave well enough alone" and other cliches.
Let's stay in New York. Charlie'll understand.
And if he doesn't, fuck him and his bald head.
-We do have a great life. -We do.
-We're so lucky. -Totally.
-Exactly why we should do it. -Yeah. What?
You're in a really exciting place right now.
Most people don't even get to where you are.
It's like... the American dream or some shit.
We should ride the wave and see where it takes us.
Are you sure?
As long as we're together, who gives a fuck where we live?
So... There it is. We're movin' to L.A.
Shit, fuck. Now that I said it out loud, I can't take it back.
You're pretty amazing!
-No, I'm not. -Yeah, you are.
Pretty much the best baby mama a guy could ever hope for.
-Really? And don't forget it. -Never.
Ever.
Moody, buddy. Get in on some of this shit.
There you go, buddy.
-I take it you likey? -It's beautiful, man.
It's the missing piece of the puzzle. This album had a lot of color on it.
But what y'all did, that's the home run, man.
-You both outdid yourselves. -Glad to be of service.
You two fucked?
Does it seem like we had time? We been writin' a frickin' song.
I'm fuckin' trippin'.
Play that shit.
Grab some tissue, Moody. It's just gonna break your heart.
Turn the shit up, motherfucker.
She promised you stars like you read on her pages
all of the tinsel and the company of strangers.
The fear that you came with you thought you'd escaped it
but even while breaking you could still be persuaded.
Looking out, across the lights,
until the morning.
But didn't they shine...
like the night sky,
And didn't they shine...
Like the hazy daybreak like champagne and heartbreak.
But didn't they shine...
Like the night sky.
-Can I come in? -Sure. Everything all right?
-Is it Becca? -No. She's fine, actually.
-What's up? -It's Richard.
He won't stop drinking. I don't think he can.
I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can live like this.
-I'm sure he'll get it under control. -Yeah. Maybe he will.
I just don't know if I can wait, you know?
And the truth is that...
I think I made a terrible mistake, you know?