Previously...
You have a magnificent body.
-I have what it takes to be actress? -Yes.
Eddie Nero said you got magic fingers. I need your words.
Guess who's back in the picture? Eddie fucking Nero!
I don't work for Stu and Marcy. It isn't as inappropriate as it was.
What?
-Will you read my screenplay? -I give it ten pages.
Can I come in? Richard won't stop drinking.
I made a terrible mistake.
I woke up in a strange woman's bed. I can't find my wedding ring.
-Who's that? -My girlfriend. Holly.
You come to my home? How dare you?
Batesy, she's with me.
Take your tramp and get out of my house.
Thank you for agreeing to break your fast with me this morning.
-It's fine. -It's more than fine.
I know how displeased you've been with your papa of late.
You haven't given me a chance to think fondly of you,
or even miss you, for that matter, you've been around, a lot.
-Mucking with things. -I muck not.
The man responsible for the beating my boyfriend suffered by some thug.
That was an unfortunate misunderstanding.
He's an entrepreneur. And a humanitarian.
Whatever doesn't kill us makes even us more annoying.
-Did you read his screenplay? -Is your mom still mad at me?
-What do you think? -On a scale of one to ten.
-11. -I can get that down.
Did you read his screenplay yet?
What? I can't hear you.
-No, not yet. -Why? You promised.
There's just no upside. If it sucks,
I have to endure his pathetic attempts and give him feedback.
The last young aspirant I gave notes to wound up in the hospital.
If it's good, why would I want to know that about him?
-I'll never talk to you again. -You barely talk now.
-I'll become a stripper. -I'll read it.
-Tomorrow. -Today.
Today.
You're fucking kidding me.
Rebecca!
This is why I hate coming here.
CALIFORNICATION Season V, Episode 56
-That bad? -It's that good.
-Really? -The writing is exceptional.
That's not what pisses me off. Well, it does piss me off.
Where's that douche get off being even a halfway decent writer?
Where does he find time to write when he tend to that mop of hair?
-Tell me more about the script. -Don't you even fucking dare, agent.
What's it about?
The whole thing is about him. And Becca.
So?
It's very sexual, Karen. Very sexual.
-And your point is? -It's very dirty. And disturbing.
And it's very sexual. It's also disgusting, actually.
Your entire literary aesthetic revolves around sex...
-It does not. -I'm not gonna do this with you.
Tyler's script involves a young aspiring writer
who has a sexual relationship with daughter of a successful novelist.
-You're not that successful. -That is so funny.
I'm glad you find time to emasculate me while Rome is burning.
I can always find time for that.
Character has fantasies about fucking the MILF-y mother of his girlfriend.
How do you like them apples? How's that make you feel?
Good, actually. He's kind of hot.
It's not funny. I am so disgusted by your whole scene here.
You're disgusted with my scene? How the fuck did that happen?
In my absence, your whole life has become this sexual playground.
So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna give him notes?
I'm gonna give him notes. First I'm gonna see my daughter.
-Where is she? -She's at work.
-I got a bone to pick with her. -Good luck with that.
-How's Batesy? -Rehab.
-Today's family day. A hoot. -Awesome.
Still thinking about leaving him?
-Really, Becca? -What?
-I'm troubled. -You don't like it?
-I don't like it one bit. -What don't you like about it?
-It's very dirty. -So? Dirty is your thing, isn't it?
It also seems painfully autobiographical.
Is everything you write the truth? Or is it embellished?
Young writer seeks out daughter of successful novelist
and proceeds to bed her, sound familiar?
-You're not that successful, dad. -Is nothing sacred?
Did you think I was never going to have a sexual relationship?
A father sure can hope.
Sometimes I think you wish I stayed some little Goth muppet.
-Like it's a bad thing. -You prefer I didn't enjoy sex?
Stop saying "sex"! This is a place of business.
You're holding up the line.
I didnt want you to inspire some stupid mumblecore bullshit.
Sit down with him. Give him your thoughts.
I got his address. Look, right here.
Be gentle.
He talks a good game, but deep down, he's just a sensitive artist.
I'm gonna call him. I will let him know. Okay, bye.
Hello!
-What are you doing here? -And a very fine day to you too.
You don't piss on the losing class. That's rude.
Baby, he just brings it out in me.
Marcy was trying to say what the fuck are you doing here?
I thought it might be nice to lay eyes on my very own son.
You were in the neighborhood? You wanted to lay eyes on Lizzie.
Can't blame a man for that.
Really, sweetheart?
You wanna sink the pink ever again in this lifetime?
Dr. Lawson said about using sex as a weapon...
-Who's Dr. Lawson? -Couples therapist.
There's no shame in workshopping your relationship.
Five minutes, Charlie. He needs a nap.
Otherwise he's gonna be a nightmare when we get back.
Motherfucker charges us if we're late.
Charlie, enjoy yourself. Keep your hands off my Oscars.
I don't like this thing with these stones. I need a flat surface.
I'm sorry, Charlie. He just fell asleep.
Bummer.
I'll just go, then. No other reason for me to be here.
Yeah, you should go.
Yep.
-I'll just...be on my way. -See ya.
-Guest house? -I got a better idea.
-Hi there! -Hi.
-I'm looking for Tyler. -He's at school.
Or work. Or... somewhere.
I'm not really sure. Some mom I am, huh?
-Any idea when he might be back? -No.
-Are you Hank Moody? -Yep, guilty.
It's so nice to meet you. Becca is a doll.
-I like to think so. Yeah. -I'm Lisa. Tyler's mom.
Do you wanna come in?
-No, I... -Are you sure?
Yeah.
'Cause I'm about to get really fucking high.
In that case...
-Where's the man of the house? -Out and about.
We had a big fight.
-About what? -Same old shit.
-The drinking, the control issues. -I hear that. That shit's universal.
-Did you read Tyler's script? -Yes, I did.
-It's very raw, isn't it? -That's one way to put it.
It's our fault. We raised him in this very sexually free household.
About that...
-Can you do me a favor? -Sure, but I can't promise anything.
Can I see your penis?
-I know where this is going. -You do?
I'm very angry with Tyler for defiling my daughter.
But as much as I'd like to stick it to Tyler and bang out his mom...
I don't want to hurt my daughter.
I just wanted to see your cock.
I haven't seen one in a while and I like to study them.
What about Tyler's dad? He can't scratch that itch?
Not exactly.
What are we talking about here, a wheelchair situation?
Penises are my passion.
All right.
-These are yours. -Those are mine.
-Not the penises. -Right, I got it.
So would you mind?
I have been told I have a very pretty penis.
I'll be the judge of that.
Flood on!
-Solid. -Thanks, I guess.
He looks a lot cooler with some blood rushing through him.
-What the fuck is going on here? -It's nothing. It's just work.
We have one one fight. And you go looking for dick!
After I'm through with this piece of shit,
I'm gonna beat the fuckin' bi out of you.
Wait, no!
Come on!
He's Rebecca's father! He's Hank Moody.
We love Becca!
She's a doll!
-I love fucking you. -I love fucking you too.
I love fucking you in my ex-wife's marital bed.
You should be quick about it, 'cause they're gonna be back.
Don't think any woman's ever told me to be quick about it.
That's...gonna make me...
...come.
Nicely done.
You see how long I last with you?
I have no complaints in that department.
-Did you come? -No.
-How come? -It's not your problem, Charlie.
I didn't make you come. This is totally my problem.
I've been having money troubles. Stu and Marcy pay okay,
but between my shitty car, acting lessons, I need headshots...
-Done. My treat. -I can't let you do that.
You just let me foul you. I owe you one.
You're so sweet.
Holy shit, they're home!
I'm so hard right now.
-God, I'm so hard right now. -Yes, you are.
Take out that fucking bat and hit me with it, bitch.
You know I will! Yeah, let me see that.
Why does couples therapy get me so worked up?
Ours is but to fuck each other's brains out.
I'll do it.
Wait a minute. What do you wanna play?
I don't know, what do you wanna play?
Charlie is still your husband, but he's upstairs in a wheelchair.
-Who are you? -I'm gonna be the contractor.
Howdy, ma'am. We're just about done for the day.
Thank you very much. You and your boys do such good work.
I was sorry to see your bald husband's in a wheelchair.
Times have been tough since the accident.
I bet ya he doesn't fuck you so good now.
No.
It's just like a piece of overcooked penne between his legs.
-But does he eat your pussy? -He doesn't get my spot.
I got just the tool for that. Take a look at that.
So that's what a dick's supposed to look like.
How much disrespect can one man take?
-Come on! -Are you kidding me?
I just don't know how you deal with them growing up, these kids,
and becoming sexual beings!
They're sexual beings from the moment they're born, Hank.
Tyler, he was fixated on his penis from the get-go.
He was always tugging on that thing.
I have a photo series that chronicles Tyler's penis from birth to now.
Wanna see it, Hank?
I'd rather see crime scene photos.
Someone's a little uptight!
Don't worry about Becca. She's experimenting in a safe environment.
What does that mean?
We encourage Tyler to bring his girlfriends here
instead of fucking 'em in secret in some cheap motel room.
That's not making me feel any better.
It should because if the screams that are coming from that room
are any indication, that girl is clearly enjoying herself.
-Still not helping. -She is a beautiful girl, Hank.
Would you consider letting us photograph you?
I'm flattered. I don't wanna end up in The Big Book of Cocks.
-Hey, moms. -Tyler's home.
My baby.
Are you guys high again?
Hey, Hank. Are you here to beat me up for something?
Yeah, in the literary sense. You ready for some notes?
Come on, Lizzie.
I can't believe you fucked your son's nanny, in his mother's bed!
You play dirty disrespectful games involving your son's father!
I'm sorry about that. That was one of the milder ones.
There are others? What are they?
You got fired. I play the boss, I end up fucking Marcy instead.
You play Charlie. You got the operation to make your dick bigger...
And I see it for the first time!
I know it's embarrassing, but you are having sex with Lizzie.
This is fucking primo shit! I mean, right on, bro.
Thank you, Stu.
I'm sorry about objectifying you, but you're way out of his league.
-She's totally out of my league. -I'll take it as a compliment.
If you're all done can we get back to firing Lizzie again?
We only had sex after you fired her the first time.
It's very hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube.
Once it's out, it's just... it's out.
I didn't mean for it to happen.
Charlie's been very kind during a very tough time in my life.
Has it been tough, darling?
Wait! I have a suggestion.
We all feel a sexual tension between us.
Charlie is trying to work his way into our sex life.
He's eroticized the very bed
in which his ex-wife is now sharing with her new husband.
He's fucking his son's nanny, who happens to be young and beautiful...
You want us all to have a fucking orgy?
I was thinking we should all go and talk this out with Dr. Lawson.
But if you're thinking orgy, I am down with that.
Fuckin' Jesus.
Do you want me to go check on him or am I fired?
If you think you can get him to stop crying, yeah.
-Your moms are pretty cool. -They're all right.
-Want to talk about your script? -Yeah, thanks for reading it...
I have immense respect for you. I'm a huge fan.
Why are you such an immense prick around me all the time?
I didn't think you'd respect me if I was kissing your ass.
Good call. You say you're a fan, you want me to read your shit.
You hand me a script about your relationship with my daughter.
When I found out that you were Becca's dad...
I was like, "Sure, I'll take a shot at Hank Moody's daughter."
How cool would that be? I'm not proud of that.
That's the brutal truth. If I hung around her long enough,
I'd get to meet you at some point, you know?
The truest part of that whole script...
is I fell in love with her, Hank.
-Becca is amazing. -I like to think so.
A girl a guy meets when he's too young
and he fucks up because there's too much living left to do.
You're gonna have to forgive me for fucking up.
I'm trying my best to not make that same mistake again.
-You ready for some notes? -Yeah, absolutely, let's do it.
Last kids I gave notes to tried to off himself.
-I think I can handle it. -All right.
Page one. Why the fuck are you fading in?
Maybe he's not all bad.
He's not good or bad. He's a work in progress, I guess.
-Did you know he had two moms? -Debbie and Lisa?
Lisa asked me to be in The Big Book of Cocks. The sequel.
-Anything else? -Yeah.
The whole parenting thing, it's not getting any easier.
I spent the afternoon with dykes
that know more about raising a child than I ever will.
I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, 'cause it's my job.
Like we made this beautiful child,
and I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
Maybe you should just start enjoying her company.
-Don't judge it so much. -Maybe.
-I owe you an apology. -What?
That sounds like a foreign language. You owe me an apology?
Richard came clean about the whole stripper thing, and...
he told me that you took the fall for him.
Yes, right, that.
-Why'd you do that? -You'd been through enough.
I didn't want to see you hurt if you didn't have to be.
-Thank you. -Yep, we still got it.
-Still thinking about leaving him? -Good night.
-What's up, Moody? -What are you doing here?
You don't fucking answer your phone no more?
I don't, not when you call. You only call with fucking notes.
-How the fuck are you doing? -Nero.
-Say my name again. -Jesus, get off me.
Whatever happened to just a smile and a handshake?
You got me all hot and bothered. Good to see you.
-What are you doing here? -I do have some notes on the script.
-You were not in the movie. -He is now.
Nero's gonna make this fuckin' joint bulletproof.
Sam's convinced me to do a cameo. With my own input, of course.
I'm not writing any of that weird omnisexual shit
about you taking a man in your mouth!
No nut-guzzling shit in my movie, yo.
That was last year. The year of living ambiguously.
-I'm celibate now. -Why?
A man can only shoot so many loads in a lifetime.
-You can run out. -That's not medically true.
I've done the research.
I have access to medical science that civilians do not.
My dick don't work no more.
I haven't had an erection since last year's Golden Globes.
-Have you seen a doctor? -Don't want to.
I've transcended sexuality. I was put on this earth for a reason,
to lead the way, and I can see clearly now.
Sex stands in the way of true artistic achievement.
I want to be the first film actor to have his genitals removed.
Can you imagine what that would be like?
To be a smooth, hairless, real life action figure?
Like a Ken doll, or a high-powered eunuch.
Can you comprehend what I would be able to accomplish
without the distraction of sex?
Looking for a doctor to help me with this.
I may have to go underground. Or to Europe.
-I'm nauseous. -Get out your laptop.
I feel a monologue coming on.
My character...
A grizzled LAPD detective who's confined to a wheelchair.
He's addicted to painkillers. He hates black people.
But he loves America.
You're not feeling this fuckin' shit, man?
This motherfucker's droppin' bombs, man.
-This is gonna be hot. -Get your fucking laptop.
Go ahead, put it in my mouth. Do it to me, put it around my neck.
You cannot quiet me!
What the fuck are you doing up so early?
I didn't go to sleep. I don't need it.
-Because you're a superior being. -That's elitist.
I do think I'm the next step in human evolution.
-And I think I found my next movie. -Good for you, Edward.
The writing! Reminds me of you.
Fucking & Punching,br/but for the Twitter generation.
Vital and alive and... This shit is fuckin' raw.