Previously...
-I wanna kill him. -I don't like him.
-He's you. -The kid's a loathsome asshole.
-Did you read his screenplay? -Not yet.
I'll never talk to you again.
-That bad? -That good.
-Really? -Don't you dare, agent!
He just fell asleep.
-I should go. -Yeah.
I'm so hard right now. Couple's therapy got me worked up.
Let's do the one where Charlie is upstairs, in a wheelchair.
How much disrespect can one man take?
Hank Moody, this is Kali. The script is off the charts.
"Santa Monica Cop" is my Eddie Murphy moment.
Good to see you. Glad you could make it.
-Loving that man-gina. -That is eliberating.
-I made a mistake... -Still thinking about leaving him?
No. Absolutely not, Charlie.
No means no.
I'm asking you to put in a semi-decent word for me.
There'll be no putting. I am asking you not to take this meeting.
-It's on the books. -Cancel that shit.
Absurd!
You cancel on me when you go get your boils lanced.
That was twice. I'm not worried about impressing you anymore.
That's what happens in a relationship. You stop caring.
Sex is sporadic, assplay is out of the question.
When it comes to me and you, assplay is never out of the question.
Eat a dick, Charlie, Stu's, with mustard and ketchup on it.
Eddie Nero wants to star in his movie.
Tyler's going to be the hottest screenwriter.
-Someone has to represent him. -You're my agent.
I could lose my job.
You already masturbated yourself out of a job. You bounced back.
If you can make it through that, you can make it through anything.
This is bullshit!
I have to explain to my agent and friend
why it's inappropriate to represent my daughter's boyfriend.
I get what you're saying.
-Why is it inappropriate? -Because it offends me...
On a deeply personal level. Can you grasp that, Sammy Glick?
-I guess so. -Good.
Give me a hug and a kiss. It's my first day of work, and I'm late.
-That's right. I forgot. -You forgot?
You're my agent. You're the Samurai's agent.
You forgot the first day of shooting. This is why people don't like you.
-Who doesn't like me? -People.
People love me.
CALIFORNICATION Season V, Episode 58
You're gonna need a bigger gun.
That shit ain't working, man.
Cut. It's not working.
-Hank, it's not working. -Take that, watermelon!
I'm sorry. It turns out I am quite the fruit ninja.
The line's not working, Moody.
You can't rip off one the classic movie lines of all time.
-It sounded badass! -We were high and watching Jaws.
-I ain't feeling that shit. -Give him something else.
Let me reach into my grab bag of classic movie lines.
Nothing there. Hold on. Let me check up my ass.
-Why we paying him for? -His snappy fucking dialogue.
-Sorkin passed, but he's a fan. -That's awesome.
It's the whole scene. It's weak. I don't even know what I want.
-You want the girl. -Who wouldn't want that girl?
What's up, babe?
-I would kill the motherfucker? -He's your partner, Sam.
-He fucked my girl. -You like him. He makes you laugh.
Whoever fucked my girl brother's going to be sucking on this.
This is brilliant, Sam. The studio not going to want you
killing your best friend and partner.
That's the kind of thing that makes you really unlikable.
Don't use that fucking word. "Unlikable"? I hate that shit.
Using the word "unlikable" makes the user unlikable.
Hank, shut the fuck up.
Y'all motherfuckers figure this shit out.
Me and my boys are gonna go smoke some fucking weed.
I'll be in the room.
-So you know what to do? -No.
Rewrite the fucking scene, write a better kill zinger.
If I can't?
I could find another writer willing to replace you
for half the money the studio's paying you.
I'll see what I can do.
-What's wrong, Charlie? -Nothing. Not a thing.
I'm getting my dick sucked on a beautiful day
by an even more beautiful girl.
There's something wrong with your penis now.
There are a great many things wrong with my penis, dear Lizzie.
No, you're not responding the way you normally do.
-I'm pretty hard. -Usually, you're forged of iron.
I guess I'm a little perturbed by this Hank and Tyler thing.
-What is a sleazeball agent to do? -I told you what I think.
I know.
Some things are business, and should be handled as such.
I've never seen him so adamant. He's my best friend.
You could service them both without conflict?
Absolutely... I think.
Don't think it's fair to ask a thing like that. It's very self-serving.
I agree.
I think you're just going to have to go with your gut.
Go with gut. Got it.
Have you had a chance to talk to Stuart about Santa Monica cop,
if there's a part that I could read for?
-No, but I will. -You promise?
I promise.
Hold on.
Fuck it. Come on in.
-How's it coming, Hank? -Just one of those days, Stu.
-Shit's not flowing. -Copy that.
Let the cash be your laxative, Hank.
That's a pretty good line. Sorry I can't use it in your shitty movie.
You got 15 minutes, Hank. My shitty movie is losing the light.
-Come in. -Can you do me a huge favor?
-What? -Save my career.
You must have me confused. I'm just the writer.
And I'm just the girl.
At least you're the girl. You're not just a girl.
I'm here to give teenage boys something to jerk off to,
and get sexually harassed by the director.
He is kind of a smarmy little douche!
My character needs to grow some balls.
-She's a dial tone with tits. -I'll get right on that.
-I'll show them to you. -I don't want to see your tits.
Really?
That's not completely true, but you don't have to show them.
I'm not a fucking sleaze merchant.
I know my boobs got me this job, but I'm a serious actress.
I went to Juilliard. I'm a fucking theater geek.
I love words. Dialogue is like music to me.
Whatever you write, I will make it sing.
Help me, Hank. You're my only hope.
You're cool, you're smart,
and you're appealing to my subversive nobility.
Plus, it doesn't hurt that I'm really high right now.
Let's see if we can't sneak a smart, cool chick into this piece of shit.
That feels rad. Keep doing that.
I'm getting inspired. I feel some ballsy banter coming on.
If you keep pressing those savage yabbos,
I'm not going to get anything done.
Maybe one more time. Then we'll get started.
Why'd you cancel on me?
I've thought about this a lot, Tyler, I don't feel it would be appropriate
to represent you while I'm representing Hank.
Seeing as how I'm damned to represent Hank unto eternity...
You don't think it's appropriate, or Hank doesn't think it's appropriate?
-Does it matter? -Not to me.
I've got a bunch of meetings lined up.
It was really cool to meet you, kind of a dream come true.
-Why is that? -You're Hank Moody's agent.
Who wouldn't want to be represented by Hank Moody's agent?
-That'd be the coolest thing. -Who else are you meeting with?
All the majors. There's this guy at C.A.A.
He offered to hook me up gratis. Can you match that?
I'd love to, Tyler, they watch me like a hawk here.
I so much as look at a naked picture on the internet,
and H.R. swoops in, and an alarm goes off.
Totally.
If this isn't going further, I might as well take off.
What do you say you and me get the hell out of here,
we go get a drink someplace?
I could give you some advice about what to watch out for.
Sure, I could drink.
This is really good, Hank. Thank you.
I feel like I'm in this movie.
I hope it helps. Good luck with all the dress-up and the make-believe.
Seeing how good this is makes me think of all the other scenes...
Slow down there. I'm here to burnish the Samurai's banter.
-Can I show you my tits? -You don't have to... necessarily.
I'm doing my first nude scene, and I'm insecure about the girls.
I'm sure the girls are fine... Doesn't even begin to cover it.
You'll enchant an entire generation of teenage boys with those puppies.
That's the perfect reaction.
Nab yourself a Mr. skin award in the bargain.
-Thank you. -You're welcome.
No, I mean... thank you, Hank... for everything.
You're very welcome.
-Thank you. -You're very welcome.
We have excellent manners.
This is like some serious merchant ivory shit here.
I'm just a firm believer in repaying favors.
Hear about the polish actress, came to Hollywood, blew the writer?
Kidding. Keep going.
Where are the fucking pages?
Holy fucking shit!
Who the fuck do you think you are, Moody?
-I'm only the piano player. -I cast her, you prick.
I've had my eye on her this whole time! Her ass is mine!
-How's that working out for you? -I want him fired.
Run that past the Samurai.
-The guys scares the shit out of me. -How about defending me?
I wasn't caught with his prick in a young lady's mouth.
Excuse me for accepting a blow job in exchange for 15 minutes' work.
She is a legitimate actress. She can blow whoever she wants.
-My movie is going to shit. -Are you crying?
There is no crying in tent-pole filmmaking!
Go get some fucking pamprin. Go on!
Get your shit together, man!
These pages are really good, Hank. Totally deserved the b.j.
I know, right?
-Any idea what you want to do next? -I've got a bunch of ideas.
I pitched some over to the W.B. guys, and they shit their pants.
That's a problem over there.
They could put me in a room with studio heads, I could sell my ideas.
-That's great, Tyler. -I'll be fine.
You're going to do great.
It was cool of Hank to give me a leg up like this.
I'm kind of surprised he's so against you representing me.
It's a conflict. You'd be going up on a lot of the same jobs.
No, I get it. It'd be cool if we could do something together!
That would be cool. That would be a big deal.
-I got this one idea where... -You know what?
Let's do this!
-What? -I want to work with you.
-I will smooth it over with Hank. -You want to sign me?
Yes, I do. I'm going with my gut on this one.
I don't know.
What happened to the "working with Hank Moody's agent"?
I've got all these agents who are genuinely excited about me.
I wouldn't want to be twisting your arm.
You're not twisting my arm. I want to work with you. Let's do this!
Something feels weird.
You want me to set you up with a whore?
I don't want you to set me up. I have a girlfriend.
Becca.
The daughter of your best friend and star client.
-Great girl. -You're weird, dude.
Yes, I am. I'm also a shark, and I will slay dragons for you.
Those are all very generically passionate words.
I need to see some of this passion in action.
Anything. You name it, I will do it.
Do you see that guy in there?
Sure. How could I miss him?
Go up to him and tell him... that you want to suck his dick.
-What? -And finger his asshole.
You're kidding me, right?
You're kidding.
No?
I should probably get going.
What's up, Sam? They're waiting for you on set.
-Did you not like the new pages? -Pages is good.
I aim to please. That's awesome.
-I don't like being embarrassed. -Really?
Is this about the girl and the blow job?
That's one of those crazy things. Literally fell into my lap.
I couldn't say no.
Could have thought about me and our friendship.
As she released my dick thoughts of you were nowhere near my mind,
which I think is a good thing.
Do you value our friendship, Moody?
I've grown... quite fond of you, broheim.
Same here, motherfucker. That's why I'll hate to do this.
This is a bit of a hip-hop cliche, isn't it?
Cliches are cliches for a reason, because they fucking work!
You don't want to do this, not over a silly blow job.
What choice do I have, man? You disrespect me in my workplace?
-Do you like this girl? -I don't know that bitch's name.
I'm number one on that call sheet! I can't have the whole cast and crew
whispering how my court jester screwed the baddest bitch!
Is that all I am to you, a court jester?
You funny. You amuse me. You don't see the value in that?
-Jestering is a noble profession. -You going to drop me?
-You learned your lesson, man? -Yes!
Have you learned your lesson?
Do not accept free blow jobs if you are not number one on the call sheet.
Bring his ass fucking up.
Excuse me.
What up?
I would very much like to...
-Suck your dick. -What did he say?
I'm sorry.
I would like... to suck your dick.
-What the fuck? -And finger your asshole.
Let me get this straight.
-You would like to suck my dick? -And finger your asshole.
-And finger my asshole? -Yes!
-Are you fucking with me? -Yes! I'm sorry. It was a dare.
No disrespect intended, none whatsoever.
It was a dare! I swear!
Be gentle?
You okay?
The heart palpitations are subsiding.
I think I may need to wipe myself, though.
I'm really sorry, yo.
It ain't easy being the star of this joint, man.
Lot of people looking up to me for an example.
I don't give a fuck about that bitch, but I do care about my credibility.
I got to save face.
Sorry if I did anything to endanger your face.
Pete Berg dropped off of this joint because of you.
What did I do? Took it like a man, you my boy, Moody.
I like being your boy. Are we good?
Yeah, we good, man. but if that had been Kali,
your ass would be a stain on ocean avenue right now.
-Of course. -That's another thing.
This bitch's got my heart ping-ponging back and forth.
How much turmoil can a brother take?
Copy that. Yeah.
-Where you want it at? -What?
-I got to hit you, man. -Why?
-Consequences. -Dangling me over the balcony?
-That was to scare you. -It did scare me.
I would pistol-whip a motherfucker for this kind of shit.
-That'd be too harsh, right? -Yeah.
Stop fucking whining!
You don't look too bad.
I thought you'd walk back in here all bruised up.
-The only violence was emotional. -What did they do?
They took me out back...
Put me down on my knees. The big guy took down his pants.
He took out his dick. It was very big, Tyler.
He could have tied it into a pretzel.
And?
-He slapped me in the face with it. -With his dick?!
Yes, multiple times. I think he left a trail of dogwater.
Jesus! I can't be represented by a guy
who would allow himself to be humiliated like that.
What?
I'm going to take that meeting at I.C.M.
No, you don't! You're signing with me now!
I went through hell and back for you!
Sign with me, or I'm going to have my new friends
slap you in the face with all their dicks!
Yeah, let's do it.
What's up, Stu?
You have no idea what I went through for that two seconds of oral.
Sorry. It's better if it looks like you took advantage of me.
-Asshole! -What the fuck?
I say this with the utmost respect and fondness for you, you're fired.
What?
-We're bringing in another writer. -Sam knows?
He knows it's the best thing. There's always the next one.
-What are you doing here? -Charlie sent me to meet with Stu.
-Charlie? -Just signed with him.
You just signed with Charlie?
A dream come true to be repped by Hank Moody's agent.
Pretty fucking cool... for me.
It looks like it's paying off. This might be my first gig.
Have fun.
-This isn't going to be weird for us? -No more than usual.
-Sorry, Hank. -Fuck you.
-You want a drink? -I have nothing to say to you.
You can hit me.
I don't want to have anything to do with you, all right?
-Buddy, don't be that way. -I am not your buddy.
You're fucking fired... as an agent and a friend.
-On the house, pops. -Really? Right on.
It helps to have daughters in low places.
That's for changing my boyfriend's life.
I didn't really do anything.
He texted me and said you helped him get a job.
-I guess I did. -Thank you, dad. I love you.
-Now you love me. -I always love you...
Even when I'm disgusted with you.
-You really like this guy? -I do.
Not to be melodramatic, but he's the first real love of my life.
It is what it is.
I think he feels exactly the same way about you.
How could he not? You are pretty stellar.
-What's the bad news? -There is none. Just be careful.
Young writers have been known to make certain mistakes.
Such as?
Sticking their dicks in places where kind words and flattery come from.
-Disgusting. -You're getting older.
The advice-giving gets more and more confusing.
If it isn't my favorite friend of a friend of Bill W.
-That's not funny. -It's a little funny, mom.
The little barista says it's funny. She's pleased with me today,
-I changed her boyfriend's life. -That was incredibly sweet of you.
If i'd known it was this easy to get back in your graces,
I would have blown Tyler a long time ago.
-Should we...? -Up to you.
-What are you two up to? -I'm off in a few minutes.
We were going to go to the movies. Do you want to come?
I'm not enamored of the fucking moving pictures now.
But of course.
By all means... let's go to the movies.