Previously...
-You have a magnificent body! -I have what it takes to be an actor?
-Did you give Stu a blowjob? -Maybe I did.
-I'll let you know if i sign. -You'll sign with me right now!
-Someone has to represent him! -You're my agent!
-There's this girl, Kali... -Stay the fuck away from her!
You're fired. We're bringing another writer.
Charlie sent me to Stu. I just signed with him.
I don't want to have anything to do with you.
-Buddy, don't be that way! -I'm not your buddy. And you're fired.
As an agent and a friend.
Tyler switched drinks!
Havind a pool is awesome! Having a husband in rehab is even better.
-Bates is coming back tomorow. -So we've got tonight?
What's up, 24-hour party people?
You're just in time. Have a seat. We're just about to say grace.
I thought that was a dinner thing. I've had fabulous midday meals,
but I never thought to thank the chairman for 'em.
I'm an ungrateful heathen... highway to hell and whatnot.
-What's he doing? -Be quiet.
-I am letting go and letting God. -Letting God what?
Letting him take care of me. Letting him help me stay sober.
Does he let you out for a drink once in a while?
Nailed it. Kid, don't leave me hanging.
You're gonna have to go.
I can't have you in my home if you mock and challenge my sobriety.
I'm not challenging your sobriety, but mocking it is kind of fun.
-I'll be good. I promise. -I've discussed this with Gabriel.
-Who the fuck is Gabriel? -My sponsor and personal savior.
-Sure they didn't brainwash you? -And what if they did?
-Maybe my brain needed washing. -Jesus.
Exactly, Hank. You just hit it on the head. Jesus!
-I'm gonna go. Yeah. -I appreciate that, Hank.
No, I'm gonna hit the road. My work here is done.
My life and my career at low, New York is calling...
-What do you make of 'em big apples? -Do you need a ride to the airport?
CALIFORNICATION Season V, Episode 59
-Can I get a Heineken, please? -Sure. Coming right up.
-What the fuck do you want? -I'm saying hey.
-Did you sign with Larry Levine? -No.
-That didn't work out I'd hoped. -I heard all about it.
I'm sorry. There's no keeping a secret in this town.
-So you ready to come back to me yet? -Eat shit and die.
I also heard that Karen and Bates gave you the bum's rush.
-You're welcome to come back. -I'd rather sleep in the Porsche.
-Park it out in front of the villa. -Don't worry your ugly, bald head!
-I'm going back to New York anyway. -I'm gonna miss you.
-No, you won't. -Yes, I will.
Then you wouldn't have done something to drive me away.
Realize my limitations and stop expecting me to be someone I'm not.
Nice, right? I zinged you with that one, buddy?
I'm sorry I let you down, okay? I'm really very sorry.
I'm more sorry than I've ever been about anything ever.
And Lizzie gave Stu a blowie in exchange for a role
in "Santa Monica Cop", and I'm really torn up about it.
-You're a real narcissist! -Yes, but it still hurts.
And who else do I have to share my pitiful tales of woe with?
You gonna come pick up your stuff?
Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.
Maybe I'll sit on this barstool all night long drinking?
You'll just have to wait and see, won't you? Now fuck off.
Be gone with you.
-Lizzie, right? -Hank! Hello.
I heard you gave Stu a blow job.
I'm sorry. It's very hard to keep a secret in this town. Impossible.
-Yeah, ain't that the truth. -Yeah, you tore his heart out.
-Yeah, so did you. -But he gave mine the finger first.
I thought you hated him.
That doesn't mean I want anybody else treating him like shit.
-I know. I feel bad about it. -Blow jobs can be accidental.
You could be laughing like you heard a joke,
"Ha ha ha ha, sorry. I'm so sorry."
-It was an accident. -What are you doing here?
I have the night off work. I felt like wetting my whistle.
-Can I buy you a whistle-wetter? -I have a better idea.
Let's go back to Charlie's place and wetting our whistles there.
-What about Charlie? -He's out for the night.
-I do have to pick up my stuff. -See? It's a good idea, right?
-I'm not gonna sleep with you. -You're not?
I couldn't do that to the bastard, at least I don't think I could.
You'd have to tie me up like Kathy Bates in "Misery",
only instead of hobbling me, you'd have to, you know... rape me.
-That sounds like fun. -Dear!
I am reasonably certain that I'm not gonna have sex with you.
-I know you're not. -How do you know this?
-Surprise! -Holy shitness.
Everyone I love and loathe all in one room.
We decided to throw you a going-away party.
-It was Charlie's idea. -Mine.
-You shouldn't have. -Did Lizzie do a good job?
She did very well. I thought she wanted to fuck me.
She's a very good actress. You were acting, right?
Of course!
- I'm still mad at you. - Of course you are.
In the meantime, enjoy your party.
What's wrong with you?
-So are you really going this time? -Yep.
Are you gonna miss the shit out of me?
It's always the same thing, whether you're coming or going.
My heart skips a beat or two,
and then I just have to clear up the mess you leave behind.
You found a new way of calling me a charming asshole.
I've got to be off like a prom dress. You've got a lot of shit to deal with.
-I have some shit. -Who's the creeper?
-I want you to meet Gabriel. -Nice to meet you, Gabe.
-It's Gabriel. -Yeah?
What gives, dude? I appreciate you coming to the send-off.
-The last thing you need is a party. -That is exactly what I said.
Karenina. Do you have a tampon? I started bleeding in my "prannies".
Ambrosia. I love a woman on her period.
-My God! -You do?
I think it's very important to challenge Richard's sobriety.
Great minds. That's what I was doing, and he kicked me out for it.
There's positive ways of doing it. You were negging him.
-Gabe knows I was negging him? -Gabriel. And he tells me everything.
-I tell him everything. -Everything?
-Does he know about man-gina? -Everything.
I'm not ashamed.
-What's up, man? -How you doing?
-What are you leaving for? -You did fire me.
How do you feel? You want a drink right now?
I do. So much.
-Here, motherfucker. -No.
-Who is this clown? -That's his personal savior.
Do you need a drink right now?
No, I don't need a drink.
-You see the difference, right? -I do.
-You're my angel, Gabriel. -It's a pleasure.
-Fuck is that all about, man? -Fuck if I know.
We good, right?
You fired me, you dangled me off a balcony,
and you replaced me with my daughter's stupid boyfriend.
I did all that shit out of love. That's how it's done where I'm from.
I'm gonna miss you anyway, though, buddy, for real.
-We was good together. -All right.
-How's it working out with Tyler? -That motherfucker's excellent.
This motherfucking kid got my rhythm down pat.
You had my shit, too.
But I had to improvise around that pretentious shit you was writing.
Thanks for the download.
You brought Kali!
I think I got another shot at her and shit.
She really warming up to a kid, man.
I've been on some gentlemen shit, opening doors, "Thank you"...
-When she sneeze, I bless the bitch. -Good for you.
-I hope it works. She's a good gal. -She is.
And her career's about to blow up to the moon.
So not only this bitch gonna make me more money than I already have,
I love the shit out of her.
-Thinking about a baby up in her ass. -"In her ass"?
-Getting her pregnant. -I know what you're talking about.
But I'm thinking maybe you should think about that.
The sun got nine planets. I can have nine baby mamas.
-Enjoying your par-tay? -Yeah, but I'm still mad at you.
Duly noted.
Damna-lama, Runkle. Who is that bitch right there?
You have a little flotsam and jetsam there.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Jesus! Could you two be any more obvious?
What the fuck crawled up your ass? We're just talking here.
Lizzie has to work in the morning, and we are discussing her character.
I see. How does your character feel about having his dick in your mouth?
-Don't be crude. -That's disgusting.
It actually happened. In real life.
- It was business. - Strictly business.
Pure heavenly biz.
You just blew him again, didn't you?
I thought it was a blow job, one blow job.
-What's difference between 1 and 2? -Blow jobs are like handshakes.
My world is crumbling.
You're going to have to find a way to put this behind you.
In the meantime, could you get me another drink?
And while you're at it, Charlie, just...
Balance... Thank you.
-Something's wrong. -What are you going on about?
Stu and I, we haven't fucked in days.
Sometimes you need a break from hitting that shit.
No, it's weird. Usually the guy can't keep his hands off me.
The last time something like this happened,
Charlie was playing secretary with his secretary.
That was the beginning of the end.
But I'm sure it'll work itself out.
Everybody goes through their peaks and valleys.
-Yeah, you and Karen? -Never.
-That shit was fierce. -That's what I'm talking about.
Why don't you just go grab that well-hung macher of yours
and jump his bones, remind him what he's missing?
We're just guys. We're stupid sometimes, a lot of times.
I know. Don't go, Hanky!
Life's so much more interesting with you around.
I don't think Karen and Becca would agree,
They fucking love you to pieces, you dumb shit. We all do.
You have trouble loving yourself.
-Thank you, Dr. Sigmund Smurf. -Well, you're welcome.
That'll be five cents, please.
Wouldn't it be great if wed go back to being stupid and happy like those?
It's so sweet.
Can I join?
A big giraffe.
This would be a threesome for all times.
This shit would be off the chain. Our chemistry would be like pow.
I would be the fucking spice, the sexual tabasco.
You guys could have your sensual, your lovemaking,
and I'd work the balls and the assholes.
You know you want it. God damn it.
Do you hear how sexually frustrated I am?
-Yes. -I'm hot. I need to find Stu.
-I love that little chick. -Me too.
-I was looking all over for you. -Here I am. Not talking to Stu.
I'm sorry that I've been such a freak about everything.
You're entitled to your feelings, but we're not exactly married.
You're absolutely right.
And I think I would like to change that.
What are you talking about?
I'd like to put all this nasty blow jobs stuff behind us and get serious.
I want to have a real relationship with you, Lizzie. You and me.
-Sitting in a tree. K-i-s-s-i-n-g. -You're so sweet, Charlie.
It's just I've been thinking about this a lot lately.
I think you might be my last hope for true love.
You've been so furious with me for blowing Stu.
Yes, and that still doesn't sit well. But I've been thinking about it,
and I don't think it's a deal-breaker so here are my terms:
If you would be willing to not blow anyone but me,
then I would be willing to give the two of us a real shot.
What do you say?
-No. -No?
Just like that, no?
We're at very different places in our lives.
I'm beginning what I hope to be be an interesting journey, you're...
-At the end? -I didn't say that.
-But you were thinking it. -No, I wasn't.
Okay, I'm gonna go, Charlie.
I have to get some rest, and my jaw is just killing me.
Why don't we put a pin in this for the moment? Okay?
-What are we doing? -I don't know, baby.
I just thought you might want to fuck me silly on Charlie's bed.
I don't know, Marcy. That seems kind of wrong.
-What? -What?
We play crazy sex games involving humiliating my ex-husband,
and this is sick and wrong, all of a sudden?
-What the fuck is up with you? -Nothing.
-You're on your period. -We'll throw down a towel.
-You said you loved my bloody cooch. -How bloody we talking?
-Just started. A little rusty. -I do love your bloody cooch.
Yeah, okay. You want to fuck? Let's fuck.
-There's my stallion. -Here comes El Presidente.
Open wide for...
-Come on, daddy. -Yeah. There we are.
-What the fuck, Stu? -What?
-You're not even remotely hard. -Getting there.
-Not really. -Don't stare.
-You're always hard. -I had a few cocktails.
I could tie you off and shoot you up with heroin
and you'd still have a muscly baby's arm between your legs.
I don't see why you have to emasculate me.
-Something's up with you. -There is nothing up with me.
Obviously.
God damn it.
You!
Hey, sweetie. How you doing?
Things are good. I feel like we're in a good place right now.
I trust him. I really do.
I was asking more about your general well-being, not your relationship.
-I'm peachy. -Are you gonna miss me?
Yes and no.
You like me better when I'm in New York, right?
You have a tendency to blow into town and cause a fair amount of chaos.
This is true.
Prepare for life to get a lot more boring without me around.
I think we can handle it. Right, mom?
Boring right now sounds like the south of France to me.
You two may need a break from me,
but I'm gonna miss you guys something awful.
The older I get, the clearer it becomes
that you two were the best thing that ever happened to an old fool like me.
And I love you both so much. I want you to be happy.
-My God. Did you get that? -Yeah, I think I did.
What'd I do?
You were totally sincere. Not even remotely glib.
-And you didn't even swear. -Right?
Fancy that. I should try that shit more Shit!
It's okay.
-You should go change your T-shirt. -You still get me wet.
You didn't hear that.
-What the fuck? -You weren't supposed to see that.
Fucking-A right I wasn't.
I was overcome with emotion. He's done so much for me.
-He kissed me. On the mouth. -He does that sometimes.
-I felt something. -Obviously.
-We went with it. -You went to Blow Job City.
It felt like the thing to do. For the nonce.
Your wife is sitting right out there.
I know. It's just...
Karen and I, we're in different emotional zip codes right now.
You're in fucking emotional West Hollywood right now.
-It's not about gay or straight. -No, it never is with you.
Karen does not understand what I'm going through right now.
I'm all raw and churned up inside.
It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna find my way back to her, I promise.
Yeah, that's what I always said. Didn't quite make it, though, did I?
-It's not right to toy with her. -You're one to talk.
-I'm not the one in the wrong. -There is no right or wrong.
Bates, you were getting sucked off by your sponsor.
I should go home.
This was not a good idea. It's too much too soon.
I'll take you, 'cause we have things to discuss.
Yes, we do, Gabriel. A great many things, my dear boy.
-Keep an eye on Karen for me? -Sure.
And don't get any weird ideas.
You were tonsils-deep in that guy, and you're asking me that?
-Yes. Why is that weird? -Get the fuck out of here!
-You all right? -Yeah.
I wanted to get some fresh air. God, it's a freak show up there.
-You don't know the half of it. -Really?
-Bates and the creeper went home. -Thank God!
Tell me what you really feel.
No, it's nice to have a break from the project.
-Project? -Yes, his rehabilitation.
It's this huge project. There's no space for anything else.
-Don't be so hard on yourself. -Why shouldn't I be hard on myself?
I pick the most absurdly wrong men, and then I ping-pong between them.
Wouldn't say you're a serial ping-pongamist. Big deal.
I'm tired of always keeping it together for someone else.
I want to strip off my clothes and run down the street naked.
I would very much like to see that. I would camp out to buy tickets.
What?
-Bates asked me to behave myself. -Fuck that.
-I like you when you're crazy. -You're leaving tomorrow, right?
-So what's the difference? -It doesn't end well.
It always ends well.
I can't believe these words are about to come out, but let's not do this.
You've got so much shit going on in your life.
Really? I do!
Besides, if you sampled my wares again, you couldn't do it once.
So what?
And then you'd be in a world of conflicted emotional shit. And shit.
-You know? -You're right.
Thank you for letting me be the crazy one for once.
It's my pleasure. It was nice for me to be the sane one for once.
It gave me a morally righteous boner.
Is that what that was?
-Maybe that was just you. -I hope so.
Kill me now!
Come on.
-There you... -Stop.
-Have you seen Tyler anywhere? -No.
Are you okay?
Then I hit that bitch with a motherfucking minivan.
-What's a minivan? -Two in the front, five in the rear.
Break it up, funny people. Anybody seen Kali?
-Too many. -Maybe she in the bathroom.
I'll be out in a second.
What's with you barging in the bathroom?
You got to be kidding me.
She walked in on me. I had to hide.
-You think this is funny? -No, but I think it was inevitable.
-My daughter is out there right now. -Come on, man, I'm only human.
She pulled me in here. What was I supposed to do?
Restrain yourself. Break up with Becca. Take your pick.
Life is messy. Sometimes shit happens.
That's the best you've got? "Shit happens"?
You are such a hypocrite!
You put Karen and Becca through more shit I can dream up,
and here you are, standing here, giving me fucking life lessons?
I am a better, younger version of you, so just fuck off, old man.
Jesus! Its a fucking buffalo back there?
What the fuck are you doing?
No!
Come on! Stop it!
Christ! What are you doing?
Charlie Runkle, you know how to throw a party.
Thank you.
Don't you remember anything?
Trying to find where trouble ends
I found out it's in your friends
People looking for success
think it comes in cash and checks
I know love can grow on trees
trust ain't something comes with ease.