Previously...
You're amazing. A goddess. You deserve the white dress.
I'm not the guy to give it to you.
This man's a monster. He likes to fuck women in the ass,
and then tell them that he wants to keep it casual.
-It's nice to be fought over... -This is never going anywhere!
You're never going to commit to another woman.
-I don't know how you did it. -What?
I will love you till the end of time. I can no longer be your husband.
It's such a relief.
Now what?
You stay here, stand still, don't move. Have dinner with me.
God damn it, the truth just sounds better.
Just, come on, tell me "I love you."
Just come home.
I saw that!
I think it's the pills. I started taking these antidepressants.
-How many did you take? -No more than you did.
What did you do?
-Carrie, what did you do? -Only what you made me.
Tell me you love me.
CALIFORNICATION Season VI, episode 61
Hello.
-Can I get you a drink? -I think that's my line.
-Hank. -And?
It's nice to meet me?
This is the part where you tell me your name.
Why?
That's what we do in polite society.
That's what separates us from the monkeys.
And people from Long Island.
-Karen. -Why are you doing that?
-It's so not what I expected. -What did you expect?
Something more exotic. You seem like a Sasha.
Or a Pasha. Definitely an "Asha" of some sort.
-I'm sorry to disappoint. -I'm not disappointed.
If I was any more excited,
my enormous man-sized diaper would be soaking wet.
-That's disgusting. -Yet endearing.
Refill?
How are you feeling, Hank?
I'm starting to feel really groovy.
-What did you do? -Only what you made me...
Tell me you love me.
Hello again.
-I love you. -I'm gonna let some light in.
Tell me...
-What do you remember? -I remember everything...
No. About that night. You didn't show up for dinner.
I kept calling you. You didn't pick up.
I got worried, so I drove up to Charlie's.
When I arrived, the door was open. That's where I found you.
And her.
-Carrie? -Yeah.
I didn't fuck her, Karen. I swear.
-It so doesn't matter. -It so does matter.
She made me a drink. A really strong drink.
-Apparently. -Am I gonna be okay?
You've been in and out for a couple of days now.
-They think you're gonna be fine. -Too bad for you.
What about her?
Hank?
You don't remember me, do you? We had dinner once.
You're her friend. Melissa, right?
-Sarah. -Apologies. Sorry.
No worries. We're all interchangeable, right, us ladies?
That's not me. I don't think that way.
How is she?
She's been on life support since she got here.
No signs of improvement.
No signs of anything really.
She's gone.
We're just waiting for the parents to pull the plug.
They're having a really hard time letting her go.
She loved you, Hank.
Despite all the evidence to the contrary,
she thought you were the one.
No matter how many times I told her to let you go or just walk away,
she wouldn't do it.
I just wish you would have let her down a little easier.
A little sooner.
How dare you! Get the fuck out of here!
Do you want to wait the parents? They'll be here any minute.
-Sweetie, are you okay? -Just leave me alone.
Slow down, buddy. You're approaching blotto.
Thank goodness. Next stop, blackout station.
I could have gotten there sooner, but who's the squishy pussy fart
who wouldn't go buy drugs with me?
Wanted to get you out of the house. Blow the stink off.
I like my stink. It's like obsession for dirt bags.
I have an offer for you!
Not even a smile? You always laugh when I do that.
I don't feel very much like laughing these days.
Or working. The thought makes my asshole quiver.
More like a throb. Have you ever had a throbbing asshole?
-I have. -I bet.
You've been home a week.
You're just sitting around pulverizing your liver.
-I'm contemplating a new novel! -That's great! Really?
About a miserable piece of shit who drinks himself to death.
I'm in the research phase.
You got to get past this, man. You got to forgive yourself.
I don't got to do nothing but stay black and die.
It wasn't your fault. She was fucking looney tunes!
She tried to kill you, Hank.
-What did you do that for? -You can't talk about her like that.
Some crazy bitch tries to kill you, you defend her honor.
Your best friend tries to help you, you punch him.
-You're a real fucking asshole. -That sounds about right.
-What do you see us becoming? -Look, you're amazing, okay?
Come on, just out with it. Just say it.
-Excuse me? -You're excused, Nancy.
Rip the band-aid off. It's the only decent thing to do.
Thanks for the advice, old-timer.
I may be old. But I'm not such a geezer
that I can't dick-slap the shit out of you.
My father used to always say that to me.
If you're gonna break up with me, just do it.
You go, girl.
-That's not what I'm doing. -You're wasting my time.
If you aren't serious about me, about us, then I need to know.
If you would have just let me finish.
You fucking asshole. You fucked up my proposal.
Fair enough.
-Daddy? -Fuck me!
You smell funny.
What's up slugger?
Guess what? I'm the Tooth Fairy, yeah?
What do you say we settle this like men.
No screaming? Yeah?
I think you'll find it's all there.
-You're lucky I have cool neighbors. -I don't know how cool they are.
They left their kid's bedroom door wide open.
You're lucky you didn't try anything with that kid.
-Why would I do that? -I don't know.
It's dark. You're drunk. Holes is holes, Hank.
You should be tested for something, Charlie.
Not sure exactly what, but you're on the spectrum.
Reach for the sky. It's beddy-bye.
Don't forget the pants. Cannot sleep in my pants...
When is the last time you washed these bad boys? Or yourself.
The nurses gave me a sponge bath in the hospital.
-You need to get your shit together. -How do you propose I do that?
Once I've gathered up my turds, what do you suggest I do with them?
You've got Karen to think about. And Becca.
They're better off without me. All I ever do is fuck their shit up.
All I want to do is sleep. Sleep till I can sleep no more.
And then make myself sleepy all over again.
Can I at least get your number? Can I get your digits?
You're not used to hearing no!
Yes, I am. It's just usually I could give a shit less.
Tonight I do, for some reason.
-I have a boyfriend. -Of course. How could you not?
If we put our heads together we can overcome such obstacles.
I have faith in us.
I got to bounce. It was nice to meet you.
It was nice to meet you too.
-Good night. -Good morning... Karen.
Leave the poor girl alone.
-What if she's the one? -Go on.
You're just gonna end up hurting her. And who knows?
She might even, you know...
-3.5 baths, Hank. -Seemed too far to go.
-You're up early. -Never went to bed.
I can't get drunk enough anymore, Charlie.
Speaking of which, we're out of alcoholic beverages.
Get in the car. We'll get you some.
You're my agent. You go get me some.
Get in the car!
We're taking a field trip.
Delicious!
That's a weird-looking liquor store.
Welcome aboard "Air Force 69", gentlemen.
Thank you.
Hank Moody!
I must be really fucking drunk. Is that Atticus Fetch?
Baudelaire, Bukowski, and Oscar Wilde
all wrapped up into one talented writer.
-Remember that for my tombstone. -Ready to take this journey with me?
Is this a domestic flight? Not sure I have a valid passport.
-What's wrong with him? -He's a bit drunk right now.
Which begs the question: Why am I not drunk right now?
-Do you know what that is? -Is that "Black Hawk Down"?
Sudan. It's my own private satellite feed.
If I witness crime against humanity, I pick up the phone and report it.
Or I can write a song about it. All this means little
when you've watched a government bomb its own civilians.
Do you know why you're here?
I don't even know why I'm alive right now.
"Crazy Little Thing Called Love" is my wife's favorite movie.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Apologies, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to come right now.
I'm just really excited about meeting this man.
It was an honor to hold your penis for as long as I did.
You're welcome, pumpkin.
Personally, I hate the thing.
It's a huge piece of mainstream Hollywood bullshit.
What does she feel about handjobs?
-Handjobs are different. -I don't think they are.
-Handjobs don't count. -I think they do.
I beg to differ.
I can see it from both sides.
I said, "If I'm gonna do this thing, get me the guy who wrote the book."
Here I am. Do what?
"God Hates Us All". I loved it, man.
That was when it all came together for me.
God came down from heaven, laid his veiny ball sack on my face.
And when he took it away, it left a stain in the form of an idea.
Make it a rock opera!
Like "Tommy" or "Hair" or "Jesus Christ Superstar".
If Bono can do "Spider-Man" the fucking musical...
-I think I can do this. -Do what?
"Crazy Little Thing Called Love".
They're turning it into a Broadway musical.
-That's a terrible idea. -That's what I said!
I reckon we could do something cool with it.
You write the script, I write the music and lyrics.
Let's make a masterpiece, man! About love.
Because love is all you need. All the world's problems
eventually come face-to-face with love.
And who do you reckon wins? Love!
Love conquers all! What do you say?
I don't think so.
-Think about it. -Thought about it.
But you're an admirer of my work, as I am of yours.
-Not particularly. -Really?
-They told me you're a huge fan. -"They" misspoke.
Why are you not a fan?
You're smug, you're pompous. There's no cock in your rock.
You're a fucking dinosaur.
-Fuck you! -Fuck you. You asked.
Fuck you!
Becca!
-A bar is no place for a young lady. -I agree.
-But here I am. Happy day. -Pull up a seat.
I'll get you a sarsaparilla. Barkeep, sarsaparilla.
I know you're going through a very tough time right now.
But you've got us all worried.
I don't want to talk about this shit.
Let's talk about me, then.
I've got some good news, and some...great news.
Tyler stepped in front of a bus
and his corpse was brutally raped by hipster zombies?
-Tyler and I broke up. -Yes!
Really? When was that? Where the fuck was I?
In the hospital. Then you went home and got drunk.
-For a month. -I remember now.
-How are you with that? -I'm fine.
I thought it was love. Turns out it was lust.
I have a feeling that will happen over and over again,
until something sticks.
You are wise and beautiful beyond your years,
deserving a far better father than the barstool prophet beside you.
I know. Point is, I grieved and I moved on.
-Take a lesson. -Thanks, coach.
What's your news?
I'm about to save you a shitload of money. I'm dropping out of school.
-No, you're not. -And here comes the great news.
-I want to be a writer. -Why? Being a writer sucks.
Everything I've been through in my life has led me to this.
For better or worse, I'm my father's daughter.
I want to start living out loud. Laughing, loving, drinking, fucking.
I want to start writing about it. All of it.
-Who are you right now? -I thought you'd be more supportive.
-You dropped out of college. -Yeah, like, six times.
-I'm a fucking disaster-piece. -I'm still doing it.
-You're not, Becca. -Why?
-I'm your fucking father. -You're funny. Some father.
Have some fucking respect.
-Everything okay over here? -Fuck off, barkeep. Go.
Hank, I'm warning you. You all right, sweetie?
I warned you, Hank.
Sorry, honey.
-He'll live to waste another day. -There goes your tip.
I, for one, really loved your book, Ophelia.
Your shit really speaks to me.
I've defined myself
by whatever idiot man-child I was spreading my legs for at the time.
-And no more, I tell you. -Good for you, Marcy.
You're exactly right. You don't need a man to be happy.
I'm living proof.
That's what this skinny bitch has to get through her thick skull.
I don't think that men are entirely to blame.
They are, Karen. My entire thesis is built on this idea.
Men are wild animals. And they must be regarded as such.
That's a tad hysterical.
Karen! I need you to dress this wound.
What happened?
I'd like a drink. Now. No time like the present.
What is this stuff? The fucking "Vagina Dialogues"?
Oh, shit. This better not be an intervention.
Yes, Hank, it is. But it's also an act of love.
But this is not about abstaining.
It's about you finding your way back
to being the functional alcoholic we know and love.
-We miss that guy, Hanky. -It's true, dad.
You used to be such a good drunk. Now you're just disgusting.
And bloated. And smelly.
-Thanks for that, daughter. -It has to end.
Think of it as a vacation, Hank. The place is called Happy Endings.
I think I could use a stay there myself.
The Internet porn thing is starting to suck me back in.
Have you seen this tubegalore? It is a vortex, Hank.
I sat down at the computer, the other morning,
I typed in "amateur bbw."
And the next thing you know, it's dinnertime. What?
I'm being truthful!
I can't believe I ever shared a bed with you.
Then I can't believe you're going on your second ex-husband.
I really can't believe you're back to renting.
That's mean, Charlie. Do you want to see me cry?
This is not about the petty problems of L.A.'s working rich!
This is about Hank and his debilitating self-hatred!
Exactly. And if Hank hadn't been such a dick-in-the-mud,
then he and Karen would still be together,
which means that Karen and I wouldn't be a couple
of pathetic 40-something roommates right now!
I thought you loved being my roommate.
I do, baby. But I like my big, shiny house in the hills.
But no, Stu had to go and get his cock worshipped
by that no-talent Mary Poppins fucking cum-dumpster!
-Sorry, Becca, man. -Whatever.
-Can we get back to dad? -I should just forgive and forget!
It was just a blowjob. Blowjobs are like fist bumps.
I can forgive him and move back into that big, beautiful house,
Stu and I could go to therapy, couples work their shit out together.
Thanks for the support, you mean-spirited gazelle!
-Why are you being such a bitch? -I don't know! I'm sorry!
Worst intervention ever.
Long story short, Hank, okay.
Got to get your ass to rehab. If I could do it, you could do it.
I had the fucking yayo to contend with.
You just got the bottle. Pussy!
Fuck you, Cunty Smurf. And while I'm at it,
fuck all y'all narcissistic motherfuckers.
Except you, Becca.
This dropping out of school business, that's bullshit.
What are you talking about?
I didn't want to do this, Hank, but you give me no choice.
I took a bullet for you, man.
The least you can do is try to heal yourself. For me.
These people are borderline retarded, but they love you. I love you.
Get your head out of your ass and stop drinking.
Sooner or later, you're just gonna kill yourself.
Just because I'm older now doesn't mean I don't need a father.
You didn't even let me say my piece.
How supremely shitty of me. Lay it on me, woman.
We were in such a great place that night.
And if we stand any chance of getting back there,
you have to pull your shit together.
And that's it. That's all I got.
The rest is up to you.
-Can I tell you something? -Yes, always.
Even if it has the potential to make you sad?
Even better.
That night, I was so looking forward to having dinner with you.
For the first time in forever, we just seemed so possible.
Everything I always wanted just right around the corner.
And then it all just went away. I was the last person to hurt her.
And I can't put into words how bad that makes me feel.
And now it hurts to be awake,
and I don't know if I can get back to that feeling with you.
What scares me is, I'm not sure that I ever will.
You will get back there. If you want to.
And in the meantime,
maybe I'll just dream for both of us, I guess.
Good night, Karen.
Bukowski! It's freezing out there. Come up.
I'll make you some coffee.
I feel I should tell you that... I'm not gonna sleep with you.
Hank, it's time for group. Ten minutes, okay?
-Yeah, all right. -Welcome to Happy Endings.
END OF EPISODE 61