Previously...
I will love you till the end of time, but I can no longer be your husband.
-It's such a fucking relief! -It's fucking liberating!
-I'm dropping out of school. -No, you're not.
-I want to be a writer. -Why?
-Being a writer sucks. -I thought you'd be more supportive.
I want an agent who understands what I'm going through.
Both as an artist and as a gay man. I want a gay-gent.
We were in such a great place.
If we stand any chance of getting back there, pull your shit together.
-I really loved your book, Ophelia. -You don't need a man to be happy.
-Did you sign Robbie Mac? -I wasn't sure if it was gonna stick.
It stuck, it's on deadline.
-Do you know that fucker? -He's supposed to be in rehab!
It appears that I have had a relapse.
I got to get myself back to rehab posthaste. You can give me a ride?
-To your semi-successful rehab stint. -Cheers!
-And to my cock-happy gay-gent. -It's a better life, Hank.
The gays got it all figured out, especially when it comes to sex.
They want to get laid, they just do it.
They act on their impulses, no guilt, no shame.
Heterosexuality should take a lesson.
I'll bring it up at the next board meeting.
-It's good to have you back! -It's good to be back.
-So... What's next? -I don't know if it's a novel.
I don't know if it's a short story. It's definitely a character.
-I met this woman in rehab... -That all sounds great, but...
You see it coming. I got an offer for you!
-And I pass. -You pass?
I'm gonna write on spec for a while?
No Hollywood fingers in my sweet, little cornhole.
Why would you want to work for free when I can get you a major payday?
You just dropped major fucking ducats on rehab.
-Paydays are always nice. -What if it was a quick assignment?
-They never are. -What if it was a remake of Cruising?
-Billy Friedkin, Al Pacino. -And so it begins.
I got it all cued up for you right here, okay?
You just need to sit down and relax.
I got the popcorn. I got the red vines.
I want to go see Karen, check up on the state of our union.
We got ourselves a big Hollywood meeting tomorrow.
CALIFORNICATION Season VI, episode 64
It's gonna be amazing. Nothing to be nervous about.
-I'm not nervous. -Good.
-Are you? -No.
Totally sanguine. I'm the sanguinator.
You're sweating through that cheap, ugly suit of yours.
This could be such a big meeting, and I can't get Robbie on the phone.
-I'm sure he's just out somewhere... -Sucking a dick somewhere.
That's a little something.
Hank, the guy sucks a whole bag of dicks before breakfast.
That's a lot of protein. I hope he eats a light breakfast.
-Or maybe throw some veggies. -I'm not nervous. Ali's a huge fan.
-Ali? -Ali Andrews.
Ali Andrews was the executive on "Crazy Little Thing Called Love".
She came on to me. I rebuffed her advances.
Any of this sound familiar?
-Vaguely. -How do you forget this shit?
You've burned a lot of bridges.
All the people you've pissed off, they move around a lot.
-Charlie. Hank. -Ali.
So lovely to see you. Come on in.
Ali Andrews... One of the most successful women in Hollywood.
Lucky 7 on the 30 under 30. Congrats on that.
-Where's your client, Charlie? -He'll be here any minute.
-He is stunningly handsome. -Of course he's stunning.
-But is he clean? -So clean, you could eat off of him.
I heard that was your thing.
-I always had a feeling. -Me too.
-Hank, tell me a story. -You've seen the original movie?
-I have. It's brilliant. -Why can't anything be good or okay?
But I digress. You've seen the original. That's my story.
-How do you plan to update it? -I'll take it and make it my own.
I get it. Story's really never been your thing.
You're all about voice and attitude, lots of talk, no action.
Okay. So we both know what this is about.
We do?
And if you're still wanting to make shit happen, I'm down with it.
-You're kidding me. -I was in a loving relationship.
Now not so much. It's still loving,
but we can't seem to get back on the physical plane.
I wish you were this imaginative in your writing.
I think it would clear the air.
You're a woman that's used to getting what she wants.
And I'm the guy that said "no, thanks" to your fleshy goodness,
so you've put me up on this pedestal built of bitterness and regret.
This is exciting. The sexual tension it's thick.
You could cut it with a knife and spread it on some crostini.
Get the fuck out of my office! I have a studio to run.
Who wants to remake a classic fucking movie from the '70s?
-It came out in '80, actually. -Quiet, writer.
A man who shall remain nameless. Came out recently.
He came out in a big, brave, showy way.
Then he brought me this movie. At first, I thought:
"who gives a fuck about anonymous gay men"
"punishing each other's assholes in dark, dank leather bars?"
Then I thought: "this guy does".
Three months in dingy gay bars, and I get paid for it too?
When the fuck do I sign?
So what do you say, handsome? You seen the original?
-Yes. Fucking brilliant! -Turn that shit up.
No!
Sold it, in the room, totally fucking brilliant.
Settle down, Judy Garland.
You should come celebrate tonight. "Fist"... Santa Monica and Robertson.
I got a thing at prolapsed rectum. It's in Silver Lake.
Be there, writer, or be off the project.
-He will be there. -Sure thing.
Just got to get my assless chaps out of storage.
He is something, ain't he?
Be careful, or else some part of him is gonna end up in some part of you.
Why you want to rain on my gay parade?
It's gonna rain big buckets of smooth, creamy man-cake batter.
I hope you have your umbrella.
Gosh, thank you so much for fitting me in.
Are you kidding me? This is my pure pleasure.
And by the way, this rip's on the house, my treat.
Don't be ridiculous.
-You come highly recommended. -That's nice.
I am the shit when it comes to making pussies pretty,
but your writing means too much to me.
-This shit is gratis. -Thank you, that's very sweet.
Can I tell you something? Trust me, it's gonna sound freaky.
You can tell me anything.
I've seen a lot of vajay in my day, but yours is simply stunning.
It took me a while to hack through this brush, but once I got there...
-Thank you. -Honestly, it's like it's glowing.
-You know what it is? -No.
But tell me, because mine looks like day-old deli meat.
It is untouched by man.
But... How do you...
How do I take care of myself?
Marcy, I do exactly that. I take care of myself.
I don't need a fucking man to make me come.
I come all the time. I just came right now.
-Seriously, you just did? -No, I'm just kidding.
But I found a better way. If you withhold, you gain power.
That is some heady shit, Ophelia.
Instead of putting my head in some man's lap,
I put my nose in a book, and I never looked up.
And all my dreams came true.
Are you sure you don't just like munching box?
I love women, but not like that.
I'd rather be alone, alone with my first editions and my hummus.
-I love hummus. -What about children?
-Disgusting little creatures. -Church.
Boy! All right, one drink, Hank. That's it, I promise.
I feel like "Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Greased Fist".
Runkle! Some people I want you to meet!
-Going in! -Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
What are you drinking?
-Batesy! -Hank!
-What the fuck are you doing here? -Research, got a new book in works.
-What are you doing here, kitten? -Charlie's gay now.
That scrumptious little macaroon was born with balls on his chin.
-How's Karen? -She's good.
She's shacking up with Marcy... Not in that way.
I'm confused. Why is she not shacked up with you in that way?
I'm equally confused. I guess we're just heroes of bad timing.
-You going to Becca's thing tonight? -How do you know about it?
She's always asking me questions about writing. She's fantastic, Hank.
She never asks me about writing.
She recognizes who the real writer is, or she's not ready to let you in yet.
She wants to be a writer. Her dad's, reasonably good at it.
-"Reasonably"? -It's okay. You're still young.
If you want to be one of the greats,
park your ass in that chair and bleed on it.
Thanks for the gross tip, Prof.
I got to get back to work. Got a lot of thirsty boys.
-You're a good man. -Tipping is permitted.
-Really? -Take your time, sugar.
"Abbott's Habit", it's in Venice. She goes on around 11:00.
Thanks, Batesy.
-Hey, writer. -Wait a minute.
I thought you were a mirage, but you smell of perfume.
-What are you doing here? -Robbie invited us...
To celebrate.
Big, gay party at Runkle's! Let's go!
Runkle, you're coming with me. Wrap your legs around this steel!
You're wrong, Karen. Men are the enemy.
"Menemy" mine. "Menenemy".
I like that. That is good, Marcy. Yes, I love that.
That is the title of my next book. Thank you.
"The Menemy", by Ophelia Robins.
How men devastate your vagina and suck out your will to live.
-Jesus! -Catchy.
You think my utter hatred of men is very extreme, don't you?
-I don't. -I do.
Where exactly has the princess myth gotten you?
Everyone you've been with has grown tired of fucking you
and wandered off into the tits and pussy of someone else.
Not Bill. You got tired of boning Bill, and you went back to Hank,
and then Bates got all chicken hawk on you.
Karen, you have got to work on yourself.
You need to just get away from this fairy-tale,
happy-ending fantasy and focus on the now.
-What makes you happy? -That's what I'm doing right now.
No, you're fighting me. You're a sophisticated, intelligent woman.
Why have you spent so much time with boys?
-Boys are fun. -Were you molested as a child?
-No. -You know what?
Seriously, I was. I think I was.
My crazy Uncle Andy used to walk around the house bottomless.
-Does that count? -Yes, of course it counts, Marcy.
The penis is not only a disgusting appendage,
it is also a deadly weapon.
And in my new book, the one you just titled,
I advocate the use of a cock cage.
It's like a male chastity device.
And I think it should be...
We didn't order those.
These are courtesy of the gentlemen over there.
That's so sweet!
-How dare they? -Thank you.
Still got it.
-Ladies... -Hi.
Hello, boys. Yes, we are ladies.
We appreciate your interest, but this overture
was ill-conceived and amateurishly executed.
If you buy us enough of these,
then we're supposed to spread our legs and suck your dirty cocks.
That's the implied contract.
It wouldn't be the worst way to end an evening.
I guess not. But what about the morning after,
when we wake up with savage morning breath
and really bad gas from all this beautiful stinky cheese?
Will your morning wood last through our explosive diarrhea?
Will your love see us through our hormonal fluctuations,
perimenopause, and total ovarian shutdown?
Because we're women, guys. And we fucking age.
We don't remain eager little fuck toys forever.
You still want to buy us a drink? What do you mean no?
Was it something I said? Can I have your number?
You going back to your mommies? You fucking infants.
That was incredible, Marcy.
You just took ownership of your she-ness.
Thank you.
-That's not even a word. -Thank you.
It is a word. It was the title of my first book.
All right, who is up for dessert?
-Rachel has a big crush on Charlie. -Why?
-He's cute. -He is cute.
I give the guy a lot of shit, but he's pretty fucking adorable
in a walking life-size penis kind of a way, like a pez dispenser.
-It's too bad he's a 'mo. -He's no 'mo.
-He's not? -No, he's ust pretending.
He wanted to sign the Mac Attack.
The man does what he has to do. He's a fucking closer.
You should go up to him and tell him you dig his steeze.
You should stand back a few feet.
-Charlie, I want to thank you. -You are welcome.
I was coming out of rehab, and you took me into your loving arms.
That's what I do, Robbie.
-I'm so glad I let you service me. -I'm happy to be servicing you.
-I think we should make love. -What?
We should fuck... Once at the very least.
-Why? -Because there's tension here.
You're obviously attracted to me,
and while I'm not physically attracted to you,
I do feel enormously grateful, which can be even hotter sometimes.
You should blow me,
then I could finish up in that cute butt of yours.
What do you say? Think about it. I'll be back.
-I know your secret, Charlie. -You do?
-I know you're pretending. -I am?
I am.
I just wanted you to know that I have always had a crush on you.
I temped on your desk years back, and I thought about telling you,
but then you got fired for the masturbation video.
If you have a moment, I'd love to suck your dick.
Why did you even do the movie? It was such an epic piece of shit.
"Crazy Little Thing" made close to $300 million worldwide.
-It cost 50. It made my career. -And it tainted mine.
You tainted your own career. You're difficult to work with.
'Cause I wouldn't put out?
I don't remember this incident you keep prattling on about.
We were sitting in your office, on your couch.
You leaned over, and smooched me...
Just like that.
And I do believe that you even put your hand on my leg...
Something like this. Ring a bell?
If you say so.
I don't know if it's all the gay sex, but you're looking pretty good to me.
-Aren't you a charmer? -You're mean, petty, vindictive.
But maybe we should hate-fuck, get the poison out.
-If you say so... -You admit it, you're still into me.
I'm sorry. I changed my mind.
Fuck you.
I am so fucking straight!
Mammary glands!
Charlie, wait a second.
Charlie, I need to go pee and put my diaphragm in.
-Awesome! -Okay.
You do that! God! I love hearing about all that girly stuff!
Yes? Yes!
Charlie, are you ready for me?
Yes, you are. You got all naked for Robbie.
Here... Take a look. That's British steel.
That is an impressive rig you got there, Robbie.
Solid. Solid cock and balls, that...
-That's some real movie-star shit. -Thanks, Charlie.
You want to wrap your lips around this piece or what?
It's kind of you to offer...
What are you doing?
Put some clothes on, girl! Charlie, what the fuck is this?
She wouldn't take no for an answer. She tried to rape me!
I wouldn't touch her with your dick. Really, she's disgusting.
You are a fucking asshole! He is just pretending to be gay!
-I don't believe that for a second. -No! Fuck, no.
Moment of truth, Charlie. Open up and say ahh.
-I can't! I got Hep-C? -Guess what, buddy. Me too.
Suck that shit!
My concern is, what is this gonna do to our professional relationship?
I think it's gonna make things a lot fucking hotter.
Okay. Would you take a hand job?
I think that there is a party in your mouth tonight,
Charlie Runkle, and I'm coming.
I can't! I'm sorry. I'm straight as an arrow.
If I was in prison right now, I'd probably be a total slut.
But in the real world, I definitely prefer the fairer sex.
I'm so sorry. I'm such a big fan, and I just...
I got caught up in a lie.
-You are a liar and a coward. -Yes, I am.
You know what else you are?
Fired.
See? I feel the toxins about to release from my body.
All the resentment is about to just explode out of me.
We should have done this years ago.
Your career would probably be in a lot better shape.
Maybe. You never know. I've been quite the self-saboteur.
-Hank? -Yes, Charles?
I've been found out. The jig is up. I've been "inned".
-Can you give me a few minutes? -Just a few?
I'm enjoying your whole... this.
But I'm not exactly sure how I feel about you in general.
You did fire me and then had me rewritten,
which led to a devastating downward spiral.
So don't let the hardness of Hank Jr. fool you.
Would you be interested in a third? I'm horny as hell.
Once a bottom-feeder, always a bottom-feeder.
Fuck you, Hank.
-Should we assume the deal is off? -Of course the deal is off, Hank!
And if the deal is off, I'm fired as fuck right now!
And the thing they never tell you is how hard it is growing up,
finding your place in the world, accepting your fate.
But if you're lucky, you have someone in your life who gets you...
Who accepts you for who you are...
Who ever so gently nudges you towards your destiny.
I guess you could say I was born to be a writer...
which is weird, because I wanted something else for myself...
Something big... larger than life.
But it's a waste of time, wanting things, because sooner or later,
the thing that wants you is gonna come up and tap you on the shoulder.
And you might want to be ready.
Good evening, ladies.
-Fuck you, Hank. -What did I do?
You have a penis. And she's embracing her she-ness.
-You can't come in. -I don't understand.
You don't need to. It's okay. So what's up?
Our daughter's pretty fucking talented, that's what's up.
You came to tell me something I know?
I came to tell you how sorry I am for my shameful self-indulgence.
You don't owe me anything. I'm glad that you're feeling better.
I feel better. And now that I'm relatively clean and soberish,
I'm painfully aware of how we left things.
-It's all so... -Unresolved?
Yes, exactly.
It may have to stay that way for a while.
I figured as much. But we should reconvene again
and talk about this, the state of our union... sometime soon.
-Let's play it by ear. -We'll play it by ear.
But in the meantime, because of our beautiful daughter...
-I'm going off to write something. -You're gonna write something?
I'm gonna make my intentions known. Put it down on paper.
-Interesting. -Prepare to be John Woo'd.
I'm excited for you. Good.
And I'm okay with all this. I'm relatively sanguine.
In fact... I am the sanguinator.
Good night.
-So... -Good. Okay.
Till we meet again.
-Good night, Karen. -Good night, Hank.
CALIFORNICATION
END OF EPISODE 64