Previously...
He gave me a ride. I spent the night at his place.
-What's his name? -Ross.
-What's your poison? -Heroin, coke, booze, speed.
And the fucked up sexual shit that goes with it.
How do you know about Becca's thing?
She's always asking me questions about writing.
She never asks me.
Okay, hi. I'm here to see Natalie.
Natalie's my wife. She said "Let the new designer in."
That's me.
I don't want to twist your arm, but I'd like to take your hand
and shove it up my skirt.
Wouldn't you rather die with your dick in my bum?
I'm gonna die doing what I was born to do.
This is the moment we've been waiting for.
Hank, we gotta go!
You mind if I crash here? Maybe have a few people over?
Whatever you need.
You made it to the next round.
Home sweet... Holy Moses.
What the fuck? Hank?
Jesus guide me!
All the furniture is in the bedroom, Hank.
-Just the tip. Come on. - No!
Is that Becca?
She looks good, Hank.
-She's grown up. -I'll kill you.
-She's very well-developed. -I will fucking kill you.
You know chlorine kills 99.9% of the sperm, right?
Okay, fine. I'll get a condom, jeez.
Hey, Hank! What's up?
Dad!
Hi, Becca.
CALIFORNICATION Season IV, episode 7
-You didn't have to hit him. -No, I didn't. I wanted to.
He could sue you.
I'd have to cut off his dick and feed it to the homeless.
I still haven't heard you say you're sorry.
Am I sorry for messing up Charlie's place? I will clean it up.
Am I sorry for throwing a killer party? Absolutely not.
-This is becoming a problem. -I'm not sure I agree.
-Now you have to buy me a new one. -No, I don't.
You won't be able to get in touch with me.
I could be holed up in a den, and you won't track my iPhone.
I don't like you very much now. Do you?
No, I don't.
-You drank all the time. -Not all the time.
-You smoke pot. -When it's around.
It's not like I have one of those magic marijuana cards.
Do you use cocaine?
I have experimented with the drug you call cocaine.
A long, long time ago, in my misspent youth.
That's a lie.
Sometimes it's important to lie to children.
This is not a very good talk.
You're making some questionable choices right now.
Says the queen of questionable choices.
Be respectful of your mother's questionable choices.
I respect you both. My home life has been chaotic.
But I've always kept it together. You guys had it easy with me.
Agreed. But you can't expect us to ignore you're out of control.
-What she said. -But I'm having so much fun.
-I'm partying like a rock star. -No more lectures.
Let's take this shit into the field. Come on.
What up, Runks? What?
-What the fuck is that? -I'm sorry.
-I had an experience recently... -A gay thing? I heard.
No, I'm totally straight now. Didn't you hear?
-You got fired again. -That was unfortunate.
Are you trying to get out of your child support payments?
No, never. God, I got a new job.
I still wonder why I pay you to care for a child
that you named after your second husband.
-That does not sit well with me. -He's your son, Charlie!
I know, and I love him to death.
I had a life-or-death experience recently.
It clarified things for me, Marcy. It focused things.
I would really like to spend the day with you and little Stu.
You're welcome to spend the day with Stu,
and I will go shopping.
That works too. Happy to lighten your load.
What?
I know you're working some kind of angle here.
I have no angle. I am angle-free.
Bullshit, because we all know you're dick's all bent.
-Thanks for reminding me. -That's what I'm here for.
-Just keepin' it real. -Glad you're thinking about it.
Stuart!
"Partying like a rock star" stuff looks like fun.
You wanna know what a real rock star looks like?
It ain't pretty.
Hank. Friend. I missed you.
And you brought your family with you.
-Is that your child? -Becca.
-Hello, child. -Hi.
-She speaks English. -And Karen, oh, my God!
I had a dream about you. I was standing on the stage,
and I spied you in the front row.
I was enchanted by your preternatural beauty.
I focused all my energy on you,
and I made you have an orgasm just by looking at you.
How do you know she wasn't faking it?
It was my fucking dream.
-I'm feeling something. -Shut the fuck up.
I've got someone to introduce. A big fan of yours. And mine.
See what I mean?
Hank, Karen, child...
I would like you to meet the poet and philosopher...
Marilyn Manson.
We're talking about doing a duet. Maybe a tour of the states.
I'm just here for the narcotics.
-He kids. -Not really.
-I brought Becca here... -Becca? Who's Becca?
-My daughter. -Oh, the child.
She's recently discovered the joys of substance abuse...
I want to disabuse her of the notion that it won't hurt her in long run.
Why?
I don't want her to O.D. before she's of legal drinking age.
-Can you help a brother out? -Absolutely.
I've done quite a few anti-drug P.S.A.s in my time.
Some of them sober even.
-Hank Moody? -Marilyn Manson.
I'm a fan of your words.
I'd be honored if you came and did some narcotics with me.
-This is so fucking cool. -Yeah, it is fucking cool.
I know, I see you inside the mouth, that's right, I know.
Braden! I'm so sorry. You're new here.
Yeah, I am.
It kind of makes you want to eat a shotgun, huh?
-You said it, sister. -I'm Tricia.
Hi. Charlie. Nice to meet you.
I'm Braden, Aidan, and Jaden's mom.
You're making me feel lazy. I just have the one.
Don't do that, Stuie. Nope, not in your mouth!
-Are you married? -Divorced.
-You? -Married. 23 years.
Really? You don't look old enough to be married that long.
That's sweet. My husband and I are high school sweethearts.
That is so cool. And inspiring, you know?
-To make it work for so long. -It's work. It is, actually.
I see you, Stu.
You gotta be best friends and keep it fresh somehow.
You gotta tell me your secret sometime.
You want to get the kids together for a playdate?
Yeah, sure, I guess.
You put your phone number in here, and I'll text you.
-Here you go. -Perfect.
Meet me in the bathroom.
-I'm sorry. Is this from you? -Why are you apologizing?
-Just give me five minutes. -What about the kids?
Don't be such a fucking pussy. They're fine.
Stuie, daddy has to go...
Stay inside the dragon, Stuie! In the mouth.
I love doing drugs.
That sounds like something you would say, Dad.
Yeah, as a joke, maybe.
Here's the thing, child. Some of us are Keith Moon,
and some of us are Keith Richards.
You don't know which one you are
until you end up in a coffin or in an old people's home.
That's comforting. Thank you.
Rampant sexual behavior, drug use, etcetera...
-You will end up with AIDS. -They do tell you that.
I wish they would have told me, because I have AIDS, now.
I'm kidding. Why are you guys so serious?
Christmas. I want AIDS.
This whole thing backfired, let's get the fuck out of here.
Love your words, much respect. But I like your taste in women.
She's a handsome one. I had a dream about her last night.
I made her come just by looking at her.
You guys aren't together! So is it cool if I...
Do not start with me, Marilyn Manson, we will tussle.
You want to tussle with me? I'll tussle with you.
-He's one of my heroes. -Hear that, dad? Fucking hero.
Let's just steer this shit back around.
Is it possible to make great art without killing yourself?
-I say, "yes." -Me too!
-Totally possible. -But drugs just make it more fun.
I like this chick.
I need to urinate and possibly vomit.
Stay here and make sure she doesn't ingest anything.
Let's get the fuck out of here, now.
She's gonna get it. Eventually.
-Mom, take a picture. -Are you kidding me?
-That you, Charlie? -Yep.
-What took you so long? -I was in the ladies', sorry.
-I guess I misunderstood. -Get on in here.
Tricia! Looking good.
This is already way better than my last bathroom experience.
Don't call me Tricia. I'm Hannah.
Is that like a... Multiple personality thing, or...
No, it's my website. Yeah, Housewife Hannah?
-You do know it? -I don't think so.
-I took you for a big porn guy. -I am. Is it a pay site?
-It sure is. -I don't like to pay for my porn.
Stop talking. I'm gonna need you to film this for me.
Film... What, exactly?
I'm gonna suck your dick, and you're gonna film it.
You're gonna give me a big messy facial.
That's what I'm known for, you know?
In fact, the messier the better. Just get it all over my glasses.
That's what the fans love.
This is a good shot right there.
You're gonna want to put this on.
You probably don't want to show your face, right?
-Good idea. -Put the fucking mask on.
-Does it look good? -It's fine. All right.
-Okay, you ready? -Yeah.
All right, let's do this. Get that cock out.
-That's a good idea. -Remember... On my face, okay?
-You listening? -Yeah.
Are you listening?
Dude! What the fuck?
You wasted your load. You're supposed to shoot it on my face.
The whole situation. Do you wanna go again?
Just get the fuck out of here, you loser.
Give me my mask. Like, now.
God. Go!
You want to know the secret to a good marriage?
Listen to her every once in a while. Is that so fucking hard?
-Still wanna do the playdate? -No.
-Hey, stud. -Oh, dear.
I knew you wouldn't stay away for long.
I'm here with my daughter. I brought her to teach her
about the perils of drug and alcohol abuse.
-How's that working out for you? -Not well at all.
-Have you had the tour? -I don't believe I have.
So many rooms. So many nooks and crannies.
So many places to curl up and get lost.
I don't think I'd wanna get lost.
I should get back to the war room before somebody gets pregnant.
Did you know Atticus collects medieval torture devices?
That revelation does not particularly surprise me.
Do you know what a breast ripper is?
No, but it's pretty self-explanatory and nasty.
It tore to shreds the breasts of women convicted of adultery.
Why ruin a perfectly good breast? That doesn't make any sense.
You're sweet. Thank you.
-I didn't mean yours. -You don't think they're lovely?
They're killer. You've got beautiful cans.
It's inappropriate to talk about another man's breasts.
-I'll decide. -Not sure that you should.
-Touch 'em. -I'm good.
-You don't want to touch them? -Maybe just one...
It's just been so long since I was groped by capable hands.
Karen! Just a breast exam. Checking for lumps?
You should be fine. I'll do the same for you.
Anytime, anywhere.
Marilyn's trying to get your daughter and I into a threesome.
That's my cue.
Okay, Becca, I get it. This is way too much fun.
I would tell my parents to fuck off and die too.
My father would punch me but that's another story...
We're gonna leave. Leave you to have fun with your hero.
What are you talking about?
I'm gonna take care of the girl. Look at this face.
The girl's gonna be fine.
We're gonna make some s'mores, and tell ghost stories,
I'll have her home by dawn, I swear.
Becca, take a picture of me teabagging before he wakes up.
No more, Manson. No more balls, Manson.
Too many balls. Get off me.
-Daddy? -Yes, my boy?
-Where did you go today? -What do you mean?
You were in the bathroom for a very long time.
Those chicken fingers gave daddy a bad tummy.
I had to make big potty.
Good night, mommy. Good night, daddy. I love you.
Good night, baby.
He's so happy.
This is the way it's supposed to be.
He should fall asleep like this every night.
That's a nice little fairy tale, Charlie.
But it's not the reality of his life.
Maybe it should be. Why can't we make it so, for him?
The people who made him weren't meant to be together.
-Are you sure? -Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
I have the divorce papers to prove it.
I've made certain mistakes. You've made certain mistakes.
Maybe it's time we just get past all that already,
and start to get real.
-Like it's just that easy. -Well, maybe it is.
-I still love you, Marcy. -What?
-Why are you telling me this? -I don't know. It just came out.
Keep that shit to yourself.
When I feel something, I like to express it.
But I'm done with you. I'm done with Stu.
-I'm done with men. -You're into women now?
No, you jackass.
Gross. Stop it.
You're gonna wake the boy.
Okay, this is stupid. I can't stand it. I'm going in!
She'll be out in a minute.
What happens if he has abducted her,
and he is selling her into sex trafficking?
He's a rock star, not a sex trafficker.
He could be both.
Quick, let's go!
He wants me to film him pooping on Atticus. That's my line.
That's my girl.
-What have we learned today? -Some things never change.
That sounds a bit pointed. What do you mean?
Everything I learned, I already knew.
I know you guys love me.
I know drugs are good and bad, and dangerous and fun.
I know those guys are lunatics.
I'm just trying to figure it out for myself.
That's scary for you, but you're going to have to trust me.
-Can you do that? -I suppose so.
You don't exactly leave us with much choice.
I'm glad we got that settled. I'm gonna hang in my room.
Security check.
Did you pack your bag yourself, ma'am?
What?
That you can keep. Really?
Good night.
I will make sure this goes directly into police evidence.
-Nightcap? -No.
-Recap? -Recap what?
Your plan to educate our daughter on the perils of drug abuse?
Maybe my plan didn't go according to plan, maybe it did.
Maybe I'm a fucking genius.
Or maybe we just went up there so you could see her.
Who, Natalie? Oh, God. Karen.
-Why are you shitting where I eat? -That's disgusting.
-Your hands all over her... -She forced me to do it.
Who am I to pass up a perfectly pleasant boob grab?
It would have been rude for a guest... are you jealous?
No. No, I'm not. I'm pissed.
You're screwing up the only job I have now.
The woman is practically hurling herself at me.
It's like a freak show over there. And apparently, I'm a real man.
So you're the perfect guy to ease her pain and suffering.
It's like I emit this strange kind of homing beacon.
You're amazing.
I don't want to have anything to do with her, Karen...
The person that I want to have everything to do with
wants nothing to do with me.
We agree on something. Good night.
My God.
Ophelia is gonna be so pissed at me.
We have sex for the first time in years...
And this is the first thought to cross your mind?
How was it for you?
-It was okay. -Okay?
-That's a start, I guess. -It was familiar...
In a not-entirely unpleasant way.
And you lasted almost long enough for mommy to get hers.
I know, how cool was that? I blew some serious yolk already.
-Gross. Where? -Here. In the shower.
-It's my daily ritual. You remember. -Yes.
-How was the fun zone? -Seriously frightening.
-There was this one mom... -Tricia.
How did you know?
Everybody knows about Tricia. She tries to fuck all the dads.
She's got this website. It's called "Housewife Hannah."
Wait. Did you do something with her?
No. God.
Here, check this out.
Oh, my God. Jesus!
Look at that guy. He's such a fucking tool.
I'd know that bent fucking chode anywhere. Nice.
-Dad. -Daughter.
-Is that what I think it is? -It sure is.
-Would you mind taking a look? -Of course. I'd be honored.
-It's quite the weighty tome. -Words...
Congratulations, sweetie.
Whether it's good, bad, or somewhere in between,
this is a huge accomplishment.
-Why would you assume it's bad? -Spoken like a true writer.
-Are you okay? -Yeah.
Just for a moment there, it was...
Like everything was all right in the world again.
Seemed like old times.
-I love you, Dad. -I love you too, sweetheart.
-Be careful, okay? -I will, Dad. I promise.
Thanks for a great time today.
END OF EPISODE 7