Previously...
My husband's dead, and I'm numb.
How you doing, Moody? My dick don't work no more.
I mean, literally, you can run out.
We need one pound of your best Peruvian blend.
I like that suit. Take it off.
What about your old lady? What about her needs?
Wives are different. They don't rub themselves raw like we do.
I know my husband fucks around, but we have an agreement.
I've been wanting to talk to you. An extramarital affair.
-I'm still in love with her, Stu. -Me too.
I will pay you to not pursue Marcy any longer.
This is a disaster.
It's a rock opera with the tone of my book.
It's bollocks.
It doesn't have any heart, and you have a huge heart.
I just had me an assgasm.
Hank!
Good morning, sunshine. Your work is delightful.
Great job on the rewrite. It puts a smile on the face.
I love a good musical. Warms the cockles.
What are you doing here?
The missus caught me
eating one of her chocolate bars out of the cleaning lady's vagina.
-That's disgusting. -No, it was delicious.
It was Marilyn Manson's idea.
Once upon a time,
Mick Jagger was caught eating a chocolate bar
out of Marianne Faithfull's warm, gooey center.
Bowie was there too. Now they all swear it never happened.
I felt I should try it. I'm surprised it's taken me this long.
Any idea how long you might be staying?
I hadn't thought about it. It could be quite a while.
She was fucking furious. Almost cut my dick off.
-Is this gonna be a problem? -No.
You might be more comfortable at a hotel.
Why would I be more comfortable paying for posh lodgings
when I can stay with my manager for free?
Makes sense to me. Tell me, will Krull be staying too?
Of course. He's my road manager.
Anytime I leave my house, I'm technically on the road.
Krull gets me from point "A" to point "B"
and knows where to find all my favorite creature comforts.
Where's the shitter in this place?
Go easy, big fella. Low-flow toilets.
-We should have a party. -Why?
I'm newly single. You've had a major creative breakthrough.
We should celebrate. One should mark such fucking milestones.
That's not really a bad idea. The last big party I had here
was filled with smelly leather boys.
Where's the master? I'm gonna rest up for tonight's shindig.
Follow the Krull.
Can you get a piano delivered? Make sure there's alcohol
and cocaine and Mars bars and Astroglide.
I'll put this under my pillow and do some dream-writing.
First I must masturbate myself to sleep.
CALIFORNICATION Season IV, episode 9
Moody.
Eddie Nero. As I live and breathe.
Can I have a go? I'd very much like to tackle Hank.
No. That's my thing. I'm gonna do it.
Do what?
Continue my great tradition of bringing your words to life.
This time on the boards in front of the footlights.
-Can you even sing? -Can I sing?
Is there anybody alive out there?
I got serious douche chills running up and down my spine.
-I'm also a little hard. -I'll bet you are. Can I see it?
-No, can I see it? -No!
-Pussy fart, how you doing? -All right. How about yourself?
-I heard you came out recently. -For a short time, yes.
-He almost took a man in his mouth. -I took a man in my mouth once.
I engineered that orgasm. My hands, mouth, feet.
I watched his jism form a slimy St. Louis Arch
in the air before landing comfortably
on the rug in the Lincoln bedroom.
You performed fellatio in the White House?
It's not appropriate, but yes.
I had an experience with a gent once.
He was quite pretty. Showed up in the backstage area.
Fooled the road crew. Sure as hell fooled me.
He gave a lovely blow job. I reached into his knickers,
felt what I initially thought to be a slightly oversized clitoris,
but, no, it was a gentleman's short, but quite broad penis.
I thought to myself, "What would Bowie do?"
I gave up and got security to beat him senseless.
I felt sorry for him and let him blow me again.
Holes is holes when all's said and done.
That's exactly what I always say.
I have big news. Tonight I'm gonna make love to a woman.
We should alert the media.
"Entertainment Tonight" or maybe "National Geographic".
I have been celibate for quite some time now.
I thought that I'd lost all my loads.
If I'm going to star in a traditional love story,
I need to remember what it's like to come again with a woman.
What's the deal with this party?
'Cause seems like it's a little bit of a sausage fest.
-Where are the girls? -What do you mean?
Did you expect me to send out the fucking invites, you wanker?
Where are the drugs?
We had good luck with the chocolate bars
but there was a little bit of a problem with the drugs.
Fuckin' fuck, Runkle.
Was that a banana?
I want drugs.
I want some fucking girls and some fucking drugs.
Drugs.
Hank Moody.
-How's my suit? -It's aspirational.
-Gonna fit in that fucker one day. -Good luck with that.
You don't have to be so snarky. Slow and steady wins the race.
I'll fit in that suit before you grow your hair back.
-Frank. -Widow.
Come here.
And if it isn't the bloody warlock who turned me bum
into the happiest place on earth.
I've missed you, you dirty, bald bastard, you.
Nice to see you, Trudy. How you been?
I've been well. Thinking about finding me a new husband.
Tony left me in financial shambles.
We spent it as fast as he made it.
I don't know if he's marriage material,
but Eddie Nero right over here is looking to bust a big, fat load
after being celibate for quite some time.
Maybe you two could help each other out.
He's a little too pretty for me.
And he poops on people.
Blue eyes poops on people. You're into the scat-play?
It was a phase but a messy phase.
I've been there once or twice. I have. Real messy.
Speaking of dirty, what do you say, Popeye?
You ready to bust one out of the chamber,
so we can sit back, relax, and enjoy the party?
-Don't mind if I do. -Attaboy.
Stop. Don't stop.
I'm almost done.
Fuck. This is good, Hank.
Almost makes me want to jump your bones.
I got a typewriter right here.
-Damn. -Thank you.
Your thoughts, and the kind, thoughtful,
long-legged manner in which you chose to express them,
had much to do with the end result.
It leaves you with the same feeling that a real great song does.
Sadly, I think my work here is done.
No more sexy time? Say it ain't so.
Too much leads to too much.
Sooner or later, someone gets hurt.
You should probably do your best not to fall in love with me.
I wasn't worried about me.
I have a tendency to take root in the hearts
and minds of those who initially find me off-putting.
It's a small, but loyal group.
Everything put together falls apart, Hank.
-Paul Simon. -Very good.
That was easy for me. 'Cause I'm old as dirt.
Come here. You're not so old.
Sweet talker.
My back.
I've never been sodomized in a child's nursery before.
-What fun. -That's odd.
You two.
This is Trudy. This is Marcy and Karen.
This is Trudy, and Trudy was recently widowed.
It's true. I was. Yeah, my hubby O.D.'d.
But Jean-Luc Picard here has been keeping me company.
He's not too big in the lap, you see,
but he's enthusiastic, if you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, I know what you're saying.
I thought you said they weren't coming.
They said they weren't coming. Here they are.
We got bored, we smoked weed, and we wanted to meet Atticus Fetch.
You should.
You should have sex with him. Both of you. He's single now.
A little lazy when it comes to the oral return favors and such.
Unlike the ass whisperer here. He gives as good as he gets.
That's not exactly my experience.
-Have you ever done Atticus? -I have not had the pleasure.
-We should do him together. -Or we could go get a drink.
Marcy, let me introduce you to Atticus.
-No. Allow me. -Whichever one. Lead the way.
I see you have a new friend.
Yes, that's what she is, a friend.
She's a lovely young woman who has helped guide me creatively.
Sort of a Florence Nightingale in your time of need...
I'm happy to see that I can still get a jealous rise out of you.
Say the word and I will stop the world and melt with you.
Yeah, I said that.
You remember Eddie. Karen. Karen, you remember Yusuf Nero?
The last time we were together,
you were seeing that handsome African-American fellow.
No, that was just a phase, like you pooping on people.
I had a feeling that was a passing thing.
A milk chocolate mandingo fantasy.
Perfectly normal.
Particularly after the hell that this lunatic's put you through.
Karen was recently married to a pansexual loon
named Richard Bates, the writer.
Are you kidding me? He's the man I took in my mouth.
-Of course he is. -Richard Bates.
He wrote the definitive draft of "John",
the Michael Mann movie that won me the Academy Award
for Best Actor, but it's not about the kudos.
-It's about the work. -Of course not.
It has been many years since we've seen each other,
and yet you have not aged a day.
Your stems, your hindquarters remain glorious.
Your skin is flawless. You are a beautiful woman.
-Thank you, Eddie. -You will do perfectly.
-Watch it, Nero. -Eddie needs my help.
Your effluvium is delightful, a rare vintage.
-Now fuck off. Go away. -Well, we tried.
Atticus loves his fans, and we've got a big one right here
who would very much like to say, "Hello."
And what's this big fan gonna do with me?
-I'm somebody's mother. -Yeah, but you're not mine, love.
How about a bit of suction?
Allow me to handle this.
It looks like we found the party. Hello, girls.
Who is this?
Let me introduce you to my ex-wife.
-And mine. -And the mother of my child.
You were both married to this woman?
-Yes. -What's wrong with you?
How much time do you have?
-Marcy. Huge fan. -Finally. A fan.
She had quite a serious fling with Rick Springfield once.
-You were one of Jesse's girls? -Yes.
She even had the ringtone to prove it.
Why is it you never mentioned a fling with a major pop star?
Maybe it's because you're so fucking jealous.
You need to be the only cock in town.
Maybe it's because I love you so much.
This meet and greet is over. Let's go, Marcy.
-Leave her with me. -Not a good idea.
You're not actually my type. I go for tall, leggy blondes.
-But you're quite sexual? -She's incredibly sexual.
Built for speed, born to fuck.
Sinking into this woman is like swimming in a vat of exquisite oil.
A vat? You make me sound like I'm all stretched out.
We had a nice sex life. It wasn't crazy or anything.
A finger up the ass. A botched threesome or two,
but it was quite familiar, comforting.
-You have quite a fan club! -I'm queen of the shit pile.
Get the fuck out of here. Leave your ex-wife with me.
We're gonna have a chat.
-So you and Hank, huh? -Once upon a time.
-And you and Hank. -Sorta kinda. Something.
-He's really talented. -Yeah.
He has a really hard time sustaining it.
I think maybe he just needs to find the right motivation.
I so know where you're at right now.
-You just see all this potential? -Yeah.
-Potential's exciting. -Yeah, it is.
But it's really hard to have
a long-term relationship with someone else's potential.
Especially if that is what you're looking for.
I'd be careful if I was you. And I kind of was you.
You're gonna get hurt.
Me thinks you like this one. What do you think?
-She likes him. I can tell. -Who, Hank?
Yeah. I like him. I like him as much as any guy
that I choose to spend my time with.
I've seen you on the arm of lots of guys.
You seem to have a real connection with this one.
He's sweet to you. Maybe it could be a real thing.
You do not have to live happily ever after
with someone to make it real.
Be good to yourself, Faith. You deserve it.
Shut up and deal.
If I had to pick,
I would say "Fetch Live All Over Your Face",
because that one has all your hits.
So would you like to blow me,
or would you prefer to have actual intercourse?
I don't know. I hadn't really thought about it...
That's cute. Of course you thought about it.
-Do you want to go down on me? -I'd prefer not to.
It's a little bit intimate and a little bit boring for me.
Of course, because I'm just another bang to you.
The knowledge that I'm giving you this gift,
this opportunity to transcend your everyday suburban existence
and have sex with a fucking rock star,
that's the fun bit for me.
This is just so fucked up. Just take me, okay?
I mean, that's what Rick Springfield would have done.
He just tore my clothes off and stuck it in,
so just fucking do what you want, but just fucking do it already.
Just fucking go.
Hey, you guys. Did you read that "Times" article
about the guy who did the thing, and then this other thing happened?
I found it fascinating.
I am having an intimate moment, and I will not let you spoil it
with your incessant verbal diarrhea.
Are you not getting enough attention?
Where is he? Where's Atticus?
-I haven't the foggiest. -I'm prepared to forgive him.
Why?
All pissed off, calling every divorce lawyer I know,
and look what come in the mail.
Three seven-figure royalty checks.
I'm so lucky. My life's fucking amazing.
If he wants to eat a Mars bar out of some skank's poontang,
who am I to judge?
A beautiful rationalization, but you have a right to be miffed.
It's sex. Why does everyone make such a big deal about it?
Fuck if I know.
-Move. -Sorry, missus, I can't do that.
Hello, darling. Is all forgiven?
You fucking fuckface.
Are those my royalty checks?
Get out of my way.
I'm sorry.
Come on.
Enough of this foolish cat-and-mouse game.
You are gonna fuck my brains out, and you're gonna fuck 'em out now.
No means no, you know.
You say no, but your cock here begs to differ.
He does not have decision-making authority.
Do you know what it takes to be a rock star's wife, Hank?
I have certain skills.
I know how to give the kind of sharp and focused head
that cuts through the bullshit.
Plenty of women out there all are licking lollipops.
They're lazy. They think just by putting it in their mouth,
that's all they need to do, but that's just the beginning.
I know how to get shit done.
Now your cock's on the verge of making a decision.
-Everything okay? -Things are not as they seem.
Can you give us a minute here?
You don't want to do this. You love your husband.
I do.
These are not the droids you're looking for.
Fuck.
Thank you. That was perfect timing.
I had a feeling you might need a little rescuing.
What?
Fuck.
-I get it. -Sorry.
You should go.
Karen, this is bullshit. He poops on people.
Maybe not anymore, but he has in the past,
that's a serious fucking character flaw.
They've been in there a really long time.
Maybe they're just talking. Like we're just talking.
Sure. Right. Just talking.
-Fucking move on, dude. -Not sure that's possible.
You can't begrudge your lady for going off with Eddie Nero.
Karen's not like that.
What kind of fucked up Madonna whore shit is that?
Just 'cause you love her, she's not entitled to bang a movie star?
That doesn't mean I can't be majorly pissed off.
Then play it cool, man. Never let the bitches see you sweat.
Moody.
That woman is amazing.
Not the face. Never the face.
You hit me in my face. That's a national treasure.
That's an act of treason.
Motherfucker!
I think I pulled a hammie.
Now the drunken master.
Get away from my fucking table!
Shit.
Now it begins.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make.
I have fucked up this storied life something proper.
All my life,
I have loved exactly one woman with all my heart.
Have I fucked countless others? Yes.
Does that make me a bad man? I don't think so.
But, in the court of public opinion,
I am a scoundrel, a rogue, a rake.
Perhaps even a rapscallion.
But the fact is I can't live without you, Natalie.
Olly, no, put the fucking gun down.
Really? Olly?
Did you really think he was born Atticus Fetch?
It's true. I had to create Atticus Fetch.
-And now I have to kill him. -That doesn't make any sense.
He created a monster, and now he wants to kill the monster
before the monster kills him.
I've felt that way myself. You're not alone, Atticus.
-I'm sure we can work it all out. -You'll take me back?
Fuck no. You're a lying, cheating, fucking scumbag.
-I'll take you back. -Really? You will?
I'm just gonna have to keep you on a very short leash.
I like the sound of that. That's what this boy needs,
some discipline, a little mother's discipline.
Just give me the gun. Give mama the gun. Come on.
Why did you hit me?
It's not even fucking loaded, you pussy.
Can you slow down? I don't know why you're so fucking angry.
I'm not the one who disappeared into the bedroom with that weirdo.
You've got a fucking nerve to take issue with anything I do.
What am I supposed to do, sit there and watch it happen?
Why did you come here tonight anyway?
Because there's always this voice in the back of my head
that says, "Maybe this time it will be different".
"Maybe there will be this magic moment between us"
"where everything will be okay again."
But there's always something or someone in the way.
You want me not to see anybody else, just say the word.
What am I supposed to do,
hope that you're gonna have some kind of epiphany about us?
Do you honestly think that I care about you fucking someone else?
If we're not together,
I don't expect you to have taken some vow of celibacy.
When I see someone look at you the way that I used to look at you,
I fucking hate that.
It makes me sick to my stomach.
And the worst part of it is that I turned into you tonight.
I don't want to be that person.
I don't want to start playing games and trying to get back at you
and trying to hurt you.
I don't want that either.
END OF EPISODE 9