Previously...
I want some fucking girls and some fucking drugs!
Drugs!
I decided to go abroad for an indeterminate amount of time.
I want to make a literary pilgrimage.
How did you even know where I was just now?
-I tracked your iPhone. -That's weird, Ophelia.
Chlorine kills 99.9% of the sperm. I'll get a condom.
Hank, what's up?
Meet Gabriel.
You were getting sucked off by your sponsor.
Our daughter wants to go on a literary pilgrimage,
what malignant asshole wouldn't indulge that behavior?
We should let her go.
You gonna slap me again?
Woman, you are a fucking fruitcake.
Oh, my God! Ophelia!
I had to create Atticus Fetch,
and now I have to kill him before he kills me.
Doesn't make sense.
That was a short-lived mid-life career change.
-We're foreplaying here. -Not anymore.
Charlie Runkle, more irritating than shit on a shoe.
Atticus has quit the business. His wife is divorcing him.
-He's cancelling his world tour. -Bummer.
-Both of those disappointed fans. -Fuck the fans.
This is gonna cost him tens of millions of dollars.
He wants to concentrate on sobriety and enlightenment.
He's at Happy Endings!
-You think maybe... -No, Charlie.
-You don't know what I'm about... -Were gonna ask me to talk to him.
-Would ya? -No, can't do it.
Of course he will. We'll talk to him.
Why?
Happy Endings is no place for sobriety or enlightenment.
I said that and you negged me for being negative.
Who's negative now?
I'm not sure.
Atticus Fetch made some great music at one time.
If you were great once, you can be great again.
Let's help this Phoenix rise from the ashes.
It'll be so much fun. I promise.
Oh, God! I feel so inspired. I'm gonna go jerk off.
Run, save yourself. That shit'll stain your ears.
CALIFORNICATION Season VI, episode 11
Quiet, please.
-I'm in the gap. -That's cool.
Pick me up a polo and a pair of chinos! I'll pay you back.
The gap is the space between my thoughts, Hank.
You're forgoing millions of quatloos to explore your mental taint?
I don't wanna make music. What's the fucking point?
I just wanna garden.
How are you gonna keep Air Force 69 in the sky gardening?
I'll fly coach... business. That is if I fly at all anymore.
I don't see why I would ever leave this place.
-What about the fans? -What fans?
You said it yourself, Hank. I'm a fuckin' dinosaur.
Yeah, but dinosaurs are cool.
You've seen a velociraptor? It's pretty bad-ass.
Atticus, you're one of the most iconic artists in rock history.
You're just going through a blue period.
I appreciate it, dear girl.
I should've done the world a favor and died young.
Flash him.
I'm sorry, I find no joy in objectifying women anymore.
It's not fun, and it's not fun.
This is worse than I thought. Your tits are powerless.
-You're upsetting him. -The guy's practically lobotomized.
You could visit with him, but you're getting him riled up.
He's very fragile right now.
The perfect time for you to swoop in and get all blowjobby.
Speaking of such things, any idea where Richard is?
-Didn't you go to Fist? -He doesn't work there anymore.
-Nice place, huh? -Like Disneyland.
You're a complicated individual, aren't you?
The heart wants, Hank.
-Gabriel? -Yes?
This encounter has left me feeling like I'd really like to use drugs.
Hank has that effect. Let's talk about it in my office. Leave, now.
You gotta quit cogitating. Becca is gonna be fine.
Road trip is a rite of passage. Have a little faith in the girl.
Don't say that word, "Faith."
Jesus, trouble walking. Look away.
-Ladies? -O-phelia.
What's up, crazy?
I would like to invite you to my house for lunch.
You know what? I gotta help my daughter.
-She's going on a road trip. -I wasn't inviting you, Karen.
Okay.
-What? -Good luck.
-It's like that? -Yeah, I think...
I have never been able to penetrate
that woman's dysfunctional relationship to men.
She is just a lost cause.
You are still impressionable. And I owe you a big apology.
Let's forgive and forget.
Please, Marcy. I wanna make it up to you.
I don't wanna leave it like this. I really don't, please.
Pretty please? I know where you live, Marcy.
That's why it's so important to live first. Write later.
Pen, paper, laptop... that shit doesn't matter.
The only tool you need is here between your legs.
Use it every chance you get. Do not deny yourself, children.
Follow every instinct, then sit down and write about it.
But do not get up until you expose yourself.
Thank you, children. Go forth.
-Batesy! -My God, Hank!
Thank you for that. That was lovely.
-Batesy, this is Faith. -Faith. What a beauty you are.
-He's very friendly. -Look at you two.
Dr. Kinsey would be confused by my meter reading right now.
These are my teaching assistants Rodrigo and Gabriela.
Give us a moment, kittens, go warm the bed.
Unless you two care to join us.
We have no time for your pansexual shenanigans.
-We have a favor to ask though. -Anything, you know that.
We need to sneak some drugs into rehab.
That sounds fun. How can I help?
-You can distract Gabriel. -Gabriel, that dear boy.
Sounds like an adventure. Let's do it.
Listen, once again, Marcy, I apologize.
My behavior was childish and uncalled for.
It's okay. There was no permanent damage.
At the very least, it was funny watching Runks piss himself.
Marcy? I have a confession to make.
-I'm scared. -Don't be.
If you could look into my heart right now...
if you could see the expansive feelings I have for you,
you wouldn't be afraid.
When you put it that way, I think I'd be terrified.
Don't you dare belittle me!
Probably time for me to go. Thanks for the grub.
Please, don't.
I'm sorry, Ophelia, but you're a wee bit too intense for me.
I know. It's this lifestyle that I've chosen for myself.
I'm so lonely.
I hate to say it, Ophelia, but you need to get laid.
-I think you're right. -Let me set you up with someone.
What about Stu?
Dude's a sweetheart, he's hung like a fuckin' hog.
Marcy, that is disgusting! And he cheated on you.
-He cheated on me, not you. -You are not getting the point.
-I want you. -Okay.
So you are a dyke. Why didn't you say so?
-I am cool with that shit. -I'm not a lesbian, Marcy.
I just love you.
Fucksticks.
I want you to be my first, aside from the Puerto Rican
who fouled my anus when I was 23.
That's flattering, Ophelia. And I've been with women.
That can be really hot, but I just don't think
that you and me have that kind of chemistry.
That's disappointing.
You'll just spread your legs for every snake in the garden,
but you won't even consider my precious flower?
Yeah, pretty much. Sorry.
Wait, Marcy, it's fine. I understand.
You do? I'm glad. Okay.
-Thank you for coming. -Okay.
-And let's do this again. -Sure. Thank you.
I've got you, my darling.
Put them in the right order. Red, pink, red, pink.
Bend over and plant those impatiens. Maybe pull some weeds...
No. You need to leave now.
You are endangering the sober happiness of everyone...
-Richard! -Gabriel, my dear boy.
I feel like a child on Christmas morning.
-Thank you, Hank! -You're welcome, Gaby baby.
We just need to go talk to Atticus for a minute.
-Do whatever you want. -Thank you.
Come to papa.
Yes. It's been too long, my friend.
Now what?
-Hank! -Hello, rapist. We meet again.
Feed me some inches, dude, right fucking now.
Tweaker chick, be cool.
What are you looking at, skank? Think you're better than me?
Not better, just different.
I'll poke your eyes out and do a puppet show.
-That's sweet. -Your mother sucks cocks in hell.
I love you.
We'd like to speak with you privately.
Anything you have to say can be said in front of the group.
These people are my friends,
fellow soldiers in the war against substance abuse.
Not this.
I'm afraid you won't be talking to me today.
Get off of me, you fucks.
-Why are you doing this to me? -You used to be decadence incarnate.
Look where that got me. My immortal beloved left me.
She left you because you wouldn't stop fucking other women.
-The drugs made me do it! -You made you do it.
Me made me do that.
Atticus, nothing wrong with recreational drug use
or fucking anyone that wants to fuck you back.
You are a rock star. You deserve it and more.
You have my attention.
I've looked up to you for years, Atticus.
I'm quite possibly your biggest fan.
I was about to hit the road and follow you from show to show.
This is not just about me. Think of all the fans out there.
We have tickets to your shows. We've been staying up late,
wondering what it'll be like to see you live.
What song will he open with? What will the stage look like?
I'm opening for Marilyn Manson,
so it won't be as elaborate as usual.
-That's a killer double bill. -Technically we're co-headlining.
But he closes the show, which makes him the headliner.
I remember when that motherfucker opened for me.
Show these kids how it's done.
Don't be a fucking quitter. It's unbecoming.
Call it a comeback.
Oh, child.
Tell me, what song would you like me to open with?
What would please you, sweet child?
Step and Fetch It.
Obviously.
You guys are making a lot of sense right now.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to sacrifice
my hard-won sobriety yet,
but we should talk further... over a glass of wine.
What is it, pig?
-Is Marcy here? -No.
-Are you sure? -She was here.
-She left, ten minutes ago. -Her car is still here.
Okay, I give up. I'm done lying.
Come in.
You're not gonna tase me again, are you?
No, of course not.
What is it? I'm in the middle of something.
You have to see this for yourself, sir.
Can't imagine what the commotion is.
Jesus on the mount! Somebody call the police!
Nonsense, son. When in Rome.
Come on, Gaby baby, all the cool kids are doing it.
Hello.
It's the right thing to do, Gabriel.
Just treat yourself. You've been a good boy, kitten.
Take a bite out of that peach. Let the juice dribble down your chin.
Come on.
Boys and girls, meet Ginger.
Eat my peach! Blow on my dice.
-Marcy, are you okay? -Yeah. I'm fine.
I'm really pissed at the crazy bitch.
-That tasing shit really hurts. -I know. This is my third time.
Thanks for coming to get me, Runks.
Of course. I got your text. I really freaked out.
I guess with all this time and all the punani in between,
you still love me, huh?
Yes, I do. Very much so.
And I guess I still love you, you dumb fuck.
Stop the clock. You do?
After we called it quits, things got all weird.
I took that crazy fucking detour with Stu.
We had some good times, but nothing felt right ever since.
That's exactly how I feel.
And you're right, you know? It was fun.
-Some of the sex I've had... -Don't press your luck, Charlie.
Right, sorry.
And this little piggy had none.
No!
Why did you chain me up next to this fucking worm?
-You know I hate his guts. -That's the spirit!
I was gonna fuckin' chop off his fuckin' excuse for a penis
and feed it to my cats.
-But maybe you should do it. -Yeah, maybe I should.
I'll cut it off. I'll eat it myself.
I got a better idea. Let's make soup out of it.
-Fuck yeah, cock soup! -Yeah.
That's great. That's really...
I'm not gonna cut his dick off, you crazy bitch.
Being a fucking feminist is not about castrating men.
It's about learning to coexist with these dumb fucks.
And sucking a dick every once in a while
is not about surrendering your fuckin' sheness...
which isn't even a word.
And your books are unreadable.
That was a very beautiful speech.
You're a very strong and beautiful woman.
You should be fuckin' lucky you made any cash off of them.
That fuckin' hurts!
Jesus, that was fun.
-Can I try? -No!
Okay, just once. We don't wanna kill her.
I'm gonna do it one more time.
-How do you think he does it? -I don't know.
What happened to you guys?
Ophelia Robins chained me to a radiator in my prannies.
Excellent, continue.
And then Runks rescued me... kinda, sorta.
-That is so romantic. -I know, right?
-We're getting married! -The Runkles!
-Well, remarried. -No, you're not.
-I need you on tour with me. -I thought the tour was off.
I'm back on drugs, and I'm better than ever.
I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.
I will take a day off to get remarried.
No. I tell you what I will do though, for both of you,
I'll fuckin' marry you fuckers on the stage, at the Greek!
-I'm a licensed minister. -Of course you are.
-What do you think? -Fuck yeah. Why not?
You can bring your fuck bunny up on the road with us,
and I can finish eating that chocolate bar.
It's good to be the king! You guys are coming?
-What? -On tour.
Gotta keep writing this musical. I write incredibly well on tour.
-I find it inspiring. -Sounds like an adventure.
Think about it, and then say yes.
I'm gonna go to bed and show this dedicated fan
what it's like to be penetrated by a ginger God.
You'll see what it's like to get raped by a tweaker!
Shit's intense.
One of us is gonna bleed, and I ain't gonna be me.
-I'm gonna miss you, squirt. -I'll miss you too, dad.
But it's time to go. I need a change of scenery.
-I know that feeling. -So hit the road.
-What's keeping you? -The truth?
I'm always hoping that your mom
will take me back, give me another chance.
Maybe that's your problem. You see it as winning her back.
But there's no winning in this game.
You're not some white knight on a steed.
She's not some fairy tale princess.
She's just as fucked up as you are...
and just as incredible.
-You know what's funny? -What?
You talk about living, loving, fucking and fighting,
but this whole time, I've only seen you with that guy.
I can't seem to scrape him off my shoe.
That's the beginning to every great love story I know.
He's one of the good guys, dad.
-He told me he loved me. -Of course he did.
What took him so long?
Does she have any allergies I should know about?
Penicillin and lameness.
I know I've failed to make an excellent impression on you.
But I do enjoy your daughter. "Enjoy" sounds dirty.
And I do enjoy her in that way, you know, like, sexually.
I'm really talking about the other way.
I love her brain.
She's better than me and smarter than me.
I'd like to support and nurture that as long as she'll let me.
It's just my long-winded way
of saying I'll take very good care of your daughter, sir.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
You better, or I'll rip that stupid fucking hair.
I'm so proud of you.
Don't stand still. Keep moving.
-You wanna take a walk? -No.
I just wanna go back to my empty nest and cry.
-You want company? -No. I think I need a solo cry.
That sounds kinda like code for rubbin' one out.
I'm just trying to keep it light.
-I can't believe she's gone. -She's not really gone, Karen.
She wants to be a writer,
she's gonna be unemployed for the next decade.
Then she's gonna have to move back home
with one of us, preferably you.
Good.
Watching her go, I don't know...
It kinda feels like the end of something.
-It makes you wonder. -About?
If she was the only thing that was still keeping us together.
END OF EPISODE 11