Previously...
She caught me eating chocolate out of the cleaning lady's vagina.
-Hello, darling. -You fucking fuck-face!
I would like you to meet the poet and philosopher Marilyn Manson!
We're talking about doing a duet together, maybe a tour of the states.
I'm here for the narcotics.
-We're getting married! -The Runkles!
I'll marry you fuckers. On the stage at the Greek!
Why not?
You guys are coming on tour? We gotta keep writing this musical.
I don't expect you to have taken a vow of celibacy.
You want me not to see anybody else, say it.
I've decided to go abroad for an indeterminate amount of time.
I want to make a literary pilgrimage.
Watching her go it feels like the end of something.
She was the only thing that was still keeping us together?
How can you debate this shit? Go. Hit the road.
-Don't look back, you ninny. -What if...
What if the one you think is the one is not really the one?
What if you shut your pie hole and pour me another drink?
-You came to see me. -I can't help where my dreams take me.
What you dream about when you get there that says a lot.
-What is wrong with that, I ask? -Nothing.
She's pretty amazing, in some ways, she's perfect for me.
Your eternal dilemma, isn't it?
Home sweet home versus the wild call of the world outside your door.
We know which way you chose, and you died to regret it.
It's not even me talking. I just ask the questions.
Why are you so afraid to let go?
It's okay, Hank. We tried and we failed.
-It's not the end of the world. -But if I gave up on us...
-What would I have left? -The rest of your life.
Hank?
You okay?
Just a wet dream.
And why on earth are you packing so early?
First of all, it's noon,
and second, I'm leaving after the show tonight.
Which brings us to the real question, should I be packing for two?
I am sure I could fit a multitude of black T-shirts and jeans in...
Or I could be persuaded to come back to bed, postpone packing.
-Be more persuasive. -Are you pushing my head down?
A little bit.
CALIFORNICATION Season 6, episode 12
-Pull it in! -I'm trying.
-I'm hard. -Thanks, Hanky.
Let me check.
-You're a liar. I love you for it. -That's hardly appropriate.
-Sorry, Milfy Smurf. -She's not married yet.
Are you sure you want to go through with this?
Why you be trying to talk me out of it?
Charlie and Marcy Runkle are the Fred and Ethel Mertz of our time.
That's right. Now, Ethel has to make yellow
while Lucy and Ricky discuss their issues.
So I have a chance to go with Atticus on the road.
I thought maybe... you would wanna talk about it.
I shouldn't even factor into your decision.
-You always do. -What do you want me to do?
I mean, say: "Please stay, let's live happily ever after"?
I can't do that. You're a big boy, you're gonna make your own decision.
Besides, I thought you were in a relationship with someone.
-I wouldn't... I mean, I... -Maybe that's what's good for you.
A non-relationship relationship, 'cause you have a hard time
functioning within the confines of a traditional one.
There was never anything traditional about us.
Have you heard from our literary pilgrim?
No, only what she puts up on Instagram.
What's Instagram?
You work your shit out? You back together?
I guess not. Here's the deal.
Me and C.W. Runks are gonna do this thing. And you know why?
-No, why? -Because we're gonna be happy.
Because it's better than being fucking miserable all the time.
This whole time, it's been like a midlife crisis roller coaster ride,
and it's fucking over.
So let's all live happily ever after.
Good? It's settled? Good.
What's going on?
Atticus had to sell the plane to fund the tour.
The record company ain't giving him the kind of support they used to.
And thanks to that missus of his, he's having serious cash problems.
-We're back to touring by bus. -Where is that ginger?
In the bedroom. He wants to talk to someone
who understands what it's like to live with heartbreak.
I told him I got lots of experience, but he wants you.
-Atticus! What's up, rock star? -I can't do the gig tonight, Hank.
Why?
I went home this morning, and got down on bended knee
and asked Natalie to take me back, and she told me to fuck off.
I think she's done with me, which is understandable, given my behavior,
but I've never done an opening night without a good luck kiss from her.
She used to give me this comprehensive blowjob.
Although I was usually too wired to come.
That's a cute story, but I'm afraid the big rock show must go on.
But I haven't been on a bus in well over ten years.
It's so embarrassingly bargain basement.
That bus out there? That's beautiful, that bus.
-Do you like it? -Yes, I love it.
-You think it's cool? -It's so cool!
It's like a land airplane, it's gas-friendly, eco-fr..
You'll probably get an award for that shit.
-How do you do it, Hank? -Do what?
The woman that you love is out there, and you know can't have her.
How do you even get up in the morning?
Booze is always helpful. And so is the art.
Everything that I write is either for her or about her,
so I'm with her, even when I'm not, in my writing.
That's very moving, Hank.
-Don't cry. -Why?
It's... unbecoming.
But you said something moving, why shouldn't I cry?
What about your Aussie blokiness, and the British stiff upper lip...
I think you should come on tour with me, Hank.
If we finish our masterpiece, our rock opera about love,
maybe we'll both end up with the girl.
I'll think about it.
In the meantime, are you ready to rock out with your cock out?
-This is pretty cool. -It's like Disneyland every day.
Without the morbidly obese riding around on scooters.
Even the concept of time is different. Rock and roll summer camp forever.
-It's gotta end at some point. -Says who?
-All roads lead back home eventually. -Sounds like a country song.
-You're Faith, right? -That's me.
I'm Vince from Mysstery. Two "S"s. We're opening the show tonight.
Hey, Vince from Mysstery with two "S"s. Good luck!
Cool. Thanks. Wondering if maybe you wanna come hang on our bus.
It's the one that says "Cat Club."
We call it that because if chicks wanna come on,
we ask them to pee in this litter box that we keep by the front door.
I'm free. I got a full bladder.
I don't think you'd have to do that, though you're pretty famous and all.
Thanks for the preferential treatment.
What? We're not big enough for the legendary Faith?
No, but if you're gonna be a dick about it, I can come clean.
I've heard your album and it's really shitty mall metal,
so if I were you, I would just quit now,
and maybe Hot Topic will hire you back for the summer.
-You are kind of a bitch. -That's no way to talk to a lady.
-Fuck off, dad. -This calls for titty twister!
Good evening, Los Angeles. You wanted the best.
They got stuck in traffic coming up the fucking hill.
From London, England, by way of Mars,
the Bacardi Concert Series presents Atticus fucking Fetch!
Good luck out there. Not that you need it.
You are a fucking rock star.
-It's a long way from church. -Are you kidding me?
Do you, bald fucking wanker, take this sexy, little tree stump
to be your immortal beloved?
I most certainly do... do.
Right. And do you, delicious, little spinner,
with whom I have shared an sexual encounter
which will sustain me well into my golden years...
Take this sweaty, hairless pinhead
to be the very last sexual partner of your entire life?
-Jesus. -Don't do it!
When you put it like that... let's do's it. I do's it.
Good.
An ovation. Stick it on there, dude.
By the power vested in me by the Ministry of Northern California,
I now pronounce you wife and early man!
Have a little...
While we're here, does anyone else feel like
getting wedded on this glorious, glorious L.A. evening?
Anyone?
Karen...
Karen, be with me. Spend the rest of your life with this fool,
and he will spend the rest of his life making sure you don't regret it.
What do you say, baby? Will you be my wife?
No? Nobody? Really?
No? Then get the fuck off my stage. Be gone, all of you.
I wrote this song for my wife Natalie, in hope that she'd forgive me.
Although, if she did, I'd probably just bugger it up all over again.
I'm gonna play it for my good friend and collaborator Hank Moody,
who knows a thing or two about heartbreak himself.
-Wait, you look familiar. -Hank Moody.
-Manson. -Thank you for coming to my show.
-Hi, Brian. -I'm surprised that you came.
I was fucking with you. I would not give drugs to your daughter.
Because I need them for later. By the way, how is the kid?
She's great.
Would you get her to send me the picture of me tea-bagging Atticus?
I want to put that on my Facebook.
If you guys aren't together, I would pee in your butt. Drink, please.
It's Becca.
-Hey, sweetie! -Hi, dad!
-How's the road treating you? -It's so beautiful out here, dad.
I'm having the time of my life. And tomorrow, we leave for Europe.
-Glad to hear it. -Are you happy, dad?
That's a loaded question.
I was thinking about what I want for all the people in my life,
and I want you to be happy.
I want to see you smile and know you mean it.
-Are you high right now? -Significantly.
-We just smoked some killer weed. -Of course, you did.
Be careful, sweetie!
-And have fun, just not too much fun. -Don't worry, dad.
-All roads lead back home. -Sounds like a country song.
-I love you, dad. -I love you too, sweetie.
Do me a favor and send Manson that pic of him tea-bagging Atticus.
-Okay. Will do. -Okay, sweetie. I love you.
I'm coming with you.
That makes me so very happy.
You made the right decision.
Even if you had the balls to do it, what would you have done?
I would've married her.
You would have had some sweet, little pillow talk, and then one day,
she asks you to go to Home Depot with her.
You you talk a good game, but I was with you when you died.
You were gonna take one last shot at the love of your life.
Maybe I could've even got her back in the sack again,
but eventually, you get out of bed.
All the problems you ever had, they're still there.
So you're just supposed to give up?
It's about letting go, finally accepting who you are.
Guess who.
God, I can't wait for her to die and come to hell.
Karen?
Karen!
-You have to go, don't you? -Yeah, I do.
I'm sorry, I do.
Don't be.
You don't know what you're gonna be missing.
I do. That's what makes this so hard.
-I could love you. -Faith...
I'm not saying that I do.
I'm saying that I could.
Which is rare for me and deserves to be acknowledged.
You understand me better than any guy I've ever met.
You get me...
And that... That has been the nicest feeling.
-I'm sayin'. -And you're pretty amazing.
I hope you find what you're looking for.
I hope you find what you're looking for back there.
I'll even say a prayer for you. Just not a very big one.
-God, I hate saying good-bye to you. -Then don't.
The great thing about never really being together?
Never really have to break up. Hank, get the fuck out of here,
before I wrap my legs around you and convince you to stay.
And you know I can do it.
What is this?
-What's going on? -Hank's gotta see a horse about a girl.
This is about following your bliss?
About what we were talking about in bed yesterday? Is this about love?
-It is. -Then you must go.
We can't turn the bus around, but I can send an emissary.
-I'm sorry, crying again. -Don't be sorry. It's unbecoming.
All right, you... go. My work here is done.
I release you to your happily ever after.
Calling California Is there anybody home?
Hello, California Won't you please pick up the phone?
I want to say I love you But I'm a million miles away
And I am thinking of you I miss you and L.A.
I know he means a great deal to you, as he does to me,
and I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need me.
Emotionally, spiritually, and obviously sexually.
Thank you, Atticus.
Sometimes an orgasm can relieve heartache.
I've done a lot of research into the area.
Could I get a good luck kiss? I do have a gig. I'm a bit nervous.
I have made you suffer Left you waiting in the rain
While I was chasing demons In the deserts of my pain
You know me better Than the poison in my veins
So, my love, remember When God forgets my name
For you and you alone I'll lay my monsters down...
I know you're not one for emoting, Krull, but thank you.
I had a bird once. Love of my life she was.
I fucked it up, of course. I thought there'd be time.
Turns out there's just roads, long and paved with potholes.
I read that once in a book. Go and get her, pal.
I'll leave my winters in the sand
Hey, California!
CALIFORNICATION