Previously...
Karen, I came back for you.
Atticus just fired me. But not before he fired you too.
I need to present myself to Karen as an adult with a job.
-You must be Hank. -Henry James Moody I.
Rick Rath. Call me Rath. The last thing I need around here
is a pretentious fuck who'll look down on television.
I'm trying to grow the fuck up and it starts with me getting a job.
You can handle a job?
-Did you manage to get it up? -I don't want to talk about it.
-You're Hank Moody. -This would be Levon.
He wants to interview you for his college newspaper.
-Do you have any children? -Yeah, one, a daughter.
-You fucked my mom. -You're not fucking with me?
-When did this occur? -Nine months before I was born.
It's a murse! My very own murse! How did you know?
Stop it. It's for all your writerly accoutrement.
-I thought it was rock and roll. -Totally.
It sends a strong message to my co-workers
that this dude could rock out with his cock out.
But when he's done, he can tuck it away and get down to biz.
My thoughts exactly. Wear it well on your first day.
I shall, my love. Thank you so much.
-I'm very proud of you. -'Cause I got a stinkin' job?
If I'd known it was this easy to make you proud,
I would have applied for a job at Starbucks long ago.
Barista.
You're finally ready to embrace change, I think.
The times, they are a-changing, whether I likes it or not.
And change is... sexy.
-You don't say? Really? -I do say.
Who knew gainful employ could be such a panty peeler?
Okay. All right.
Before this accelerates into heavy petting and multiple orgasms
for me, of course, there's something I got to tell you.
What? What is it now? You're a heroin addict.
You have terminal hemorrhoids?
Nothing would surprise me at this point. What is it?
-Nothing? -Nope. Not a twitch.
I even tossed his salad for a second or three.
-Kid lives for fucking ass play. -This is maybe psychological?
I don't know.
It was like sucking on a little hotdog wrapped in foreskin.
The more I sucked, the smaller it got.
It felt wrong, like I was blowing a baby.
A big, bald, unemployable baby.
Look at the four of us. Ain't love fucking grand?
CALIFORNICATION Episode 74
-How'd she take it? -I was about to lay it on her.
You sulked into the room with your broken weiner sadness.
-Sorry about that. -It's probably for the best.
We would have made the love, would have been spectacular,
and then she would have been pissed when she found out I fathered a son
with another woman, allegedly.
-Sounds uncool when I say it. -Why? You got a son, man!
Someone to carry on the moodiness for generations to come.
-Doesn't that feel amazing? -The kid's kind of annoying.
Super fucking annoying like he should be your son, not mine.
Fucker keeps trying to Facetime me. Look at that.
He shall be Levon, and I shall decline that shit.
-Who's the mom? -Julia, I was seeing at the time.
Wanted to be an actress. We had fun. In and out of the boudoir.
Then I met and quickly impregnated Karen.
What the fuck are you doing here?
I wanted to make sure you showed up for work, on time, sober.
You're gonna be pulling in a weekly salary now.
-15% of your weekly is my weekly. -I thought you got 10.
-Managers take 15. -What's the difference?
-5%. -Pathetic, Charlie.
You should think about getting some other clients.
-That's the other reason I'm here. -Let me drink you in, big boy.
So what if you got a dysfunctional dong?
-You're still a fucking shark! -Let's do this!
-No! -No what?
This is my first day of work, not yours. Can't let you fuck my shit.
I still love you, though. Long time.
-Here you are. -Thank you.
-Hank. -Terry.
That's a powerful grip you got there. Quite a handshake. Very firm.
Where do you work out?
-Welcome. -Hey. Hank.
Hugh. Are you into cupcakes?
-I suppose. -There's some in the kitchen.
-Right on. -Sometimes Rath gets grumpy.
I like to cheer him up with cupcakes. It's the little things.
Aren't you the thoughtful little beaver?
What's the deal with Victor/Victoria?
-What do you mean? -Terry.
What's up with that, her/him gender-wise?
Of course. Okay, so here's the deal.
Hey, Terry. You want a cupcake? There's some in the kitchen.
Fuck you and your fucking cupcakes, Hugh!
-Get a fucking life. -Okay, cool.
I'll work on some story ideas. I'll see you in the room, kids.
"Fuck you," you said. That was funny.
Tell me a bit about yourself. You married? You have kids?
I'm in a long-term relationship, and these are my kids.
Little drooly, but I see the resemblance.
-I shall decl... Fuck! -Facetime!
-Stop calling me, kid. -Why?
-I'm working. -But you're my father.
-We don't know that for sure. -Calling me a liar?
No, not technically.
-You're a real fucking asshole! -Now you sound like my kid.
-Want to hang out? -No, I can't. I'm working.
-Where you working at? -A television show.
-Which one? -Santa Monica Cop.
-Is like Beverly Hills Cop? -No, it's set in Santa Monica.
Can I come see you? Can you get me a job there?
I barely have a job here.
Rath's stuck in a meeting, do whatever until lunch.
Cool! You want to come over?
Have you been knocking for a while? I was listening to some tunes.
No, I knocked the once, and then you opened the door,
you were just right there waiting for me.
You got me. I was pretty fucking excited.
This is for you. Oh, all right.
Good man. All right. There you go.
-Nice place you got here. -Yeah, you know, it's home.
Your mom. I got to say she's still smoking hot.
People say that all the time. I just don't see her that way.
Because she's your mom. I'm just commenting as someone,
who knew her when... about her beauty.
That's your thing.
You sure do have a lot of pictures of your mom.
-Don't have too many girls over? -No. No, I don't.
A source of great sadness for me, the pictures are my mom's thing.
-She likes having them around. -You can do whatevs you want.
I guess, but I still have to respect her wishes. She's my mom.
Sure, I suppose, if you want to be all queer about it.
You have a roommate?
Levon, did you take my toothpaste again?
-What the fuck? -Couldn't have said it better myself.
Mom, dad, don't be mad.
I was just commenting to the boy that you're still smoking hot.
Oh, my God.
-You live with your mom. -Obviously.
-Could have mentioned it! -Would you have come?
-Probably not. -See? I did the right thing then.
-She know that you made contact? -She does now.
-Levon, can you come in here? -Coming, mom!
Sit, stay. I'll be right back. Eat some of those cold cuts.
Don't leave, okay? Again.
-Hank. It's great to see you. -Nice to see you too.
-I'll be in touch. -How do you mean?
-This is a lot to process right now. -Yeah, I get that.
-I'm guessing he's really mine? -What?
He's really my kid? All I have is his word to go on,
but he doesn't present as the most trustworthy source.
-I'm standing right here. -Okay, yeah, fuck. Shit.
-I'm still standing here. -Please leave.
I don't have to be back at work for a few minutes.
Or I could go. Going, gone. Okay.
Levon, always a pleasure. Catch you on the flippity-flop.
-Good-looking Sammie you got, Hank. -I went with the burger.
That's the move from this place. I'm happy about my lunch order.
-This is gluten-free? -I'd stake my life on it.
Hasn't been in the vicinity of any shellfish?
-I watched them cook it. -I don't mean to be a nudge.
We got it, Goldie, okay? I'm allergic to everything!
You should brown bag it tomorrow.br/Make yourself a little PB&J.
-I have a severe nut allergy. -Of course.
-I could die. -That would be a shame.
-What are you doing? -Taking a picture of my burger.
-Why? -I want to put it on my Instagram.
That makes sense. It's a beautiful burger.
-Yeah, lunch. -Absolutely. It's a gorgeous burger.
It's not enough I have to watch you chew with your mouth open,
I'm gonna have to watch you play Diane Arbus with your food?
I bring a starving African kid, have him watch you take a picture
of your gourmet burger with your iPhone?
Maybe you should spend less time sexualizing your lunch,
and more time coming up with a workable story idea.
I pitched you five brand-new ideas this morning.
Every one of them sucked! Do better!
Stop instagraming, stop tweeting!
I do read them, when I'm in the mood for a raging hate-boner.
Hank, you're quiet. What's happening?
Usually, I'm a firecracker, but I'm dealing with some heavy shit.
-Tell us. -I'd rather not.
This is church. This is where we confess
our deepest, darkest secrets, put 'em up there on the screen.
I recently discovered that I have fathered a son
from a relationship about 20 years ago.
-That is fucking heavy. -That makes perfect sense.
I got a lawyer. Those 20 years' child support, you don't want to pay that.
How do we use this on the show?
Maybe Danko has a baby with a stranger,
the stranger happens to be a cousin from the past.
-A retarded cousin. -An autistic cousin from the past.
-Title of the show, "Aw... -"Tistic."
Here, this is the bad version now. What if Danko...
-Didn't you also rape a woman? -Stand down, Terry!
It's true. It was all over the news.
If anybody was raped, it was me, and it was a misunderstanding.
-Could have happened to anyone. - I wish it.
She's so skinny.
I shouldn't share an office with a convicted rapist.
What if a wear a cock cage? It's a male chastity device.
-Traps your penis in a flaccid state. -Even Danko could be in his own.
He feels trapped 'cause he's in his own cock cage.
Despite all his rage, he is still just a cock in a cage.
You think rape is funny?
I think it's awful, unless it's a woman raping a man.
Are you just gonna sit here and let this happen?
For the first time in three weeks, I'm enjoying myself. Continue.
-Goldie, are you okay? -That was not gluten-free.
What the fuck?
-We know it wasn't all in your head. -My mom got me this shit, Goldie!
I've seen crime scenes less disgusting than that.
-They told me it was gluten-free. -Clean this shit up!
Disinfect the fucking room! We'll reconvene in a couple of hours.
Anybody know of a bar here where I could meet somebody?
I would love a nice wine cooler right now or like a microbrew.
Rath does not like it when we leave the office during the day.
But I'm totes free tonight. Let's do it!
Thank you.
-How come you never told me? -This is what I remember.
We were running around the city for a few months, hanging out,
keeping it simple, and then one day the phone stopped ringing.
I called you and you said you met someone special,
someone that you could spend the rest of your life with.
I remember not being offended we were never that together.
I was knocked up, it seemed pretty pointless to tell you.
-I'm sorry. -No, I'm sorry.
Don't be. I never expected anything from you.
You're fun, kind of like driving around in a car with a dog
who sticks his head out the window.
-What kind of dog? -Not the marrying kind.
I don't know that's a breed.
I don't see a ring on your finger. Did you ever get hitched?
Not technically. How long have you been here?
A few months. When Levon came along,
he derailed the whole acting thing.
I moved back to the island, and I became a dental hygienist.
-Really? -Teeth fascinate me.
Open up.
-Have you been to a dentist? -Can we get back to your story?
Levon decided he wants to act, and it seemed like a good time
for a change of scenery so here we are.
-Where do we go from here? -Nowhere.
I'd love it if you bowed out and never saw him again.
Levon's a weird kid.
I don't know what you're talking about.
He's got all these crazy expectations of you making up for lost time.
I don't have the heart to tell him that you're not that kind of guy.
How do you know what kind of guy I am now?
I'm giving you a gift here. It's okay to walk away.
I'm asking you nicely to leave us the fuck alone.
Drink's on me.
-Are you sure about this? -Stu used to pop them all the time.
-Stu has E.D. too? -He used to take them for fun.
We used to fuck for hours. His cock was like a battering ram.
It was the T-1000 of boners.
I don't know how many times I can say this,
but your remembrance of your ex-husband's cock
does not work wonders for my fragile psyche.
Pussy!
Shit! This is Hank. I got to take it!
-What's up, buddy? -I need you to do me a favor.
-You name it. -Get me off of this thing.
-What thing? -The show. I can't do it.
It's your first day!
There's much shit going on in my life, and I'm a delicate flower.
The thought about getting back in there is giving me a migraine.
Back in where? Why aren't you there now?
-It's a long story. -Hank, go back in there!
Rath, he's a cool guy. He'll understand.
I understand and I agree, but that's what I have you for,
to have the conversations I do not want to have.
It's like auditing a class! I tried it. No harm, no foul.
No! There is harm, and there is foul!
Can't believe you're doing this when I've just taken a Viagra!
Good luck with that. My mind's made up, though.
Smooth that shit over.
Hank! Thank God you're here.
This motherfucker's trying to waterboard me! Pig!
-Get your hands off me! -Calm down!
-He's a little retarded. -A little?
Fuck you, you rent-a-cop!
Can't show up at a movie studio and expect to see someone.
You weren't answering, I needed to see you.
-Why? -My mother's trying to keep us apart.
Why do you say that?
She's afraid she's gonna lose me if I develop a relationship with you.
Maybe she's just afraid that I'll disappoint you.
You're my father, right? You'd never let me down.
What has she told you about me?
Just that she got knocked up by some guy she didn't know well.
You never knew, so I thought maybe you should.
I never told her I was trying to find you.
I didn't want to hurt her feelings.
We moved out here, that was my opportunity to find you.
Your mom has done a good job by herself.
She's cool, being raised by a single mom made me weird.
I don't even know how to relate to other guys.
She didn't have boyfriends around?
Some. I scared them away.
You're a lot of responsibility. Like a walking boner killer.
Don't know how to deal with girls.
I paid this chick one time to take off her top.
She let me jerk off. I finished right on her feet.
-That's enough. -Look, I need help, Hank.
You'd get along famously with your Uncle Charlie.
I know this is pretty much the last thing you wanted,
I know there's nothing cute about me showing up.
Reading about you, you seemed like a cool guy,
and I just wanted to get to know you a bit.
Maybe some of your cool would rub off on me or something.
-You want to see where I work? -I'd love to.
-That's right, motherfuckers! -Leave it!
They have a foosball table.
-Hank, what the fuck? -What?
Your agent called me, said you were in a car accident.
He's mentally ill. I keep him around so he doesn't blow his brains out.
I am sorry for getting back late.
Maybe you went out for a pack of smokes and decided TV wasn't for you.
That'd be crazy, not to mention unprofessional.
I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it.
I wanted to show this young man what I do for a living.
-Is this your kid? -Apparently.
-Is he... -On the spectrum?
-Probably, but aren't we all? -Does he want a job?
I promoted the P.A. to writer's assistant.
He wanted a reward for cleaning up that puke.
Kids today, they're so fucking entitled.
-I remember this show. -You like that one?
It was awful. Like, who-writes-that-shit bad.
I write that shit. I created that show.
-Sorry. -No, you're right.
The show sucked. Never got the casting right.
Much like life, it's all in the fucking casting.
-Hank? Oh, my God! -Get a load of this cunt.
Thank God you're alive.
-It was just a fender bender. -Shut the fuck up.
Levon! It's Uncle Charlie, remember?
It's great to see you... Again.
Will you get a load of that?
Hank... I think it's working. The little blue pill worked.
-I'm getting hard. -Behave yourself, you animal.
That. Good for you and your thin, veiny dong.
My heart's beating really fast. It's freaking me out.
-Here, feel. -It's an erection.
You've had a million of them.
I'm feeling very dizzy. Call 911. It's a massive coronary event.
Call 911! It's a massive coronary event!
Call 911! Please! This is it, Hank.
What's with the boner?
-You need a new fucking agent. -He's my manager now.
Is there anything I could do to help?
God, you smell good.
Holy shit! Did he just cum in his pants?
-Quit stalking me, lady. -Levon told me where you lived.
Of course he did.
He also told me what you did for him.
That's just a lowly P.A. job. He's gonna be cleaning up puke.
Thanks for ignoring everything I said.
That's what I do. I'm sorry.
No, I mean it. Thank you.
It's good to see him so excited about something.
I'm sorry about earlier. My defenses were up.
No, it's understandable. This is uncharted territory for both of us.
More for me, 'cause I just found out that I have a child.
You've known for 20 years.
Do you play guitar?
Not really. It's more like I callous myself in the pursuit of happiness.
Play something.
-I'm too shy, actually. -I don't remember you being shy.
Excuse me.
How was the first day? What?
Baby, was it that bad? What are you doing?
-Tell me. -There's someone you got to meet.
No.
END OF EPISODE 74