Previously on Californication...
-Nothing? -Nope. Not a twitch.
I even tossed his salad for a second or three.
You can handle the job? Can you show up on time, play nice with others?
-Can you work with actors? -So you have read my work?
What is it now? Nothing would surprise me at this point.
He's my kid? All I have is his word to go on,
but he doesn't present as the most trustworthy source.
I'm standing here.
He's got these crazy expectations of you guys making up for lost time.
-Is this your kid? -Apparently.
Does he want a job? I promoted the PA to writer's assistant.
There's someone you got to meet.
-How can I make this better? -You can't.
That's a very defeatist attitude.
-You have another family. -"Family" is a strong word.
However dysfunctional, we've been a family. Now there's another one.
There's another baby mama. There's another kid.
Do you realize how fucking devastating that is?
Do you realize that the bottom has dropped out of our relationship?
I get it. But I think once you get over that first initial jolt of anger,
you're gonna see that...
-I'm not angry. -You're not?
-Why would I be angry? -You seem kind of angry.
I'm not even entitled to anger,
because you impregnated her before you even met me.
That's very true. I'm glad that you see it that way.
I think you're being progressive about the whole thing.
That's what makes it ten times worse. She was there first.
She is baby mama number one. I am baby mama number two.
And she's a ridiculous fucking milf, which makes it even "Worser."
-I have a knack for this shit. -You have a knack.
It's a minor miracle that more kids didn't come looking for you.
I've been very responsible when it comes to the controlling of birth.
And in the past, if a woman was kind enough to share her privates with me,
I would do that with a smile.
But sometimes the dogwater can seep in there and cause trouble.
I know the trouble. Do you know what you need to start thinking about?
How you are gonna tell your daughter that she has a brother!
It's a half-brother. It's like having a long-lost cousin.
-It's nothing like that! -I got to go to work anyway.
It was good talking to you! Have a nice day!
CALIFORNICATION Season VII, episode 3
What happened to meeting me?
I overslept. I was up all night playing Xbox.
Why would you do that when you know you're starting a new job?
That's how I deal with my anxiety. Xbox and weed. Do you smoke weed?
God, there's so much I don't know about you.
-I'm nervous about this new gig. -Now you're gonna be pretty late.
I thought show business started later than the real world.
It does. It's 11:00 AM. Is that late enough for you?
-I'm gonna go get dressed. -Now hustle! Come on, move it!
Go!
I don't know if I'm okay with you coming down on me so hard.
-Where've you been the last 20 years? -I've been busy not knowing about you.
Still.
-You mind if I use the facilities? -I don't care.
"I don't care".
-Hank, what the fuck? -Apologies.
We happen to be adults who have seen each other naked.
-20 years ago. -I remember that mole.
Could we not have this conversation?
-I'm kidding and backing away slowly. -Get out!
Could you maybe not hit on my mom in front of me?
I was engaging a flirtatious banter. There's a big difference.
The only kids who ever wanted to hang out with me wanted to fuck my mom.
They'd be asking for hugs, knuckle-brushing her ass.
Fucking confusing times, man.
-What? -Nothing.
-Do I look pimp? -You're pimp.
-Mom, come on, cut it out. -Okay.
Be nice, work hard, mind your manners, and don't be weird.
-I won't. -Promise?
-I love you. -I love you too.
-Where's my hug? -Asshole.
Can you wait in the car for a minute?
-No funny stuff. -You look cute.
How's Karen?
She's been busy hating on me and whatnot, making voodoo dolls.
There she goes again. And in the back too. She's getting busy.
-Do you want me to talk to her? -You're too milf-y for her taste.
-Why would you say that? -Because that's what she said.
That is so nice of her. She is so beautiful.
Me and my beautiful baby mamas... lucky me.
Keep an eye on him because he can get a little weird in social situations.
I hadn't noticed. What do you mean? He's not gonna yank out his dick!
-I don't think so. -You don't think so?
Maybe he went through a phase where he liked to expose himself to girls.
It was a normal way for him to express his sexuality.
And it was a long time ago. We got through it.
Let's make some fucking television.
-Hugh, you're writing episode three. -Appreciate the vote of confidence.
-Let's hear it. -Okay...
Fade in... we open on the Santa Monica strand.
Camera finds Danko Jones. He's rollerblading down the street.
Why is the cool, aggressively male star of our show rollerblading?
Because he wants to meet women. Works like a charm. Trust.
Stay with me. Danko meets this beautiful girl on the strand.
She is bangin'. Think Rihanna meets someone even hotter than Rihanna.
Danko takes her home and bangs the shit out of her,
'cause that's just the kind of guy our Danko is.
Next morning, he wakes up, she's gone.
He heads off to work. Guess who the new captain is.
Roller girl. Deal with that, Danko.
-You're writing episode three. -I'll write it.
You're writing episode three.
I do have 15 years of procedural experience versus the rapist.
-Hank, episode three. -Groovy.
-What do you got? -What do you mean?
Story ideas... let's go.
I like to do a fair amount of exploring on the page.
That's good to know. Save it for your novel, all right?
Writing a good episode
means knowing every thing before you put pen to paper.
This way, the work is done before you even begin.
-What about a bad episode? -Same thing.
Pitch me something! This isn't a fucking internship.
Okay.
There's a serial rapist run amok in Santa Monica.
Here we go.
Don't worry. I'll make sure he gets his comeuppance.
And he's targeting hot female rollerbladers.
Danko Jones, against his will, has to lace up and hit the strand.
I like it. This is funny. It's a fish out of water.
You got the cool black guy doing the stupid white-guy thing.
This is how we tell stories. Riff on it a little bit.
What do you got for a "B" story?
What if this is a very special episode of primetime... Lunch!
What took you so long? Kid, you got to pretend like I'm hypoglycemic.
What part of "Chopped and tossed,
extra dressing on the side, no onions" don't you understand?
Chopped and tossed! Extra dressing on the side! No onions! Motherfucker!
You should go get some cupcakes. It'll cheer him up.
I think he prefers sprinkles to crumbs.
They have peanut butter mocha fudge today.
-You okay? -Fuck, no.
-I got my asshole torn apart. -Dust yourself off, get back in there.
-Why didn't you stick up for me? -'Cause you fucked up.
Those people take their lunches very seriously.
Can I get a cigarette?
That shit was really fucking uncalled for... you know it.
Did he hit you? Did he fire you?
Did he stick his finger up your ass and make you smell it?
-No, I don't think so. -I think you'd know. He didn't.
My whole life has been about doing better tomorrow.
-It's a sound philosophy. -Show-business stuff is high stakes.
The business of chopped salads is some cutthroat shit, isn't it?
You say you want to be an actor?
You have any idea how much rejection you're gonna face on a daily basis?
Especially looking the way you do? Which is absolutely adorable.
-Can I get your advice on something? -If you must.
I really want to have sex with Rath's assistant.
Not today, in the future, the not-too-distant future. Soon.
It's good to have dreams. Good to shoot for the moon.
But how do I get there? Do I come on really strong?
-Or do I play it cool? -Yes, it's best to play it cool.
Like almost don't even say anything to her, ever.
Like almost ignore her completely. Let her come to you.
-I'm not I sure I see... -Trust.
Sorry I blew up at you, kid. Just get it right next time.
When in doubt, you follow the directions.
Like with actors... When in doubt, say the lines.
Same thing applies to writers, right? When in doubt, follow the note.
You're getting a master class.
You want to join me in casting? We're auditioning crack whores.
-That sounds cool. Can I come watch? -No, you can get me an iced half-caf.
One pump sugar-free caramel, two pumps sugar-free vanilla, macchiato.
-Got that? -Sure.
What was after "Iced"?
-I'll go ask your assistant. -Now you're thinking, kid.
All right!
Danko, I know you're trying to do the right thing,
but I love the rock.
The rock is my friend, my lover, my "Confidantay."
I know you think you have magic there between your legs,
but when I put my dick...
but putting my lips on that glass dick, that's the shit.
That's all the dick this girl's gonna need.
-Scene. -Very good.
I like the improv, the "glass dick". Very creative.
It just came on me... came to me.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I think you're a lot more talented than you think you are.
-Thank you. -There was a real moment in there.
-I saw the price you paid. -Thank you.
No, thank you. And come back and see us again, please.
Why do you keep saying that? "The price you paid."
Fuck if I know. A director I worked with used it once.
I thought it sounded good, so I incorporated it into my patter.
Hello!
They want to make an offer to Eddie Nero.
Don't do it. You'll regret it.
-Why? -He poops on people.
-I'm not kidding. -You got to poop somewhere.
-So, acting, huh? -I want this part.
Why?
It's the kind of part that gets you noticed and I want to be noticed.
-As a crack whore? -I want this part.
Good luck to you. May the best crack whore win.
-I will fuck you for this part. -That is totally sweet.
I'm not really what you'd call a decision maker.
I will suck your big black dick.
How do you know about my big black dick?
You were in character just then. That cool. That...
You had a real moment there. I saw the price you paid.
-You want to see my titties? -That's not necessary.
We're a network show. We don't do... Titty.
-Wardrobe malfunction. -Yeah.
-You want to taste my juice? -I had some for breakfast already.
Hello, Frisco.
This is not as it seems.
I'm not gonna let you get away with this shit.
I'm not in the mood for your militant bullshit.
Please, go do something in the room. Make yourself useful, okay?
Are we ready to do some thesping or what?
What's that smell?
Must be ambition. Let's do this.
-What's that on the wall? -Cock.
And what color is it?
-Black. -It's black.
It's a black clock.
Big black cock.
Holy shit. That is so funny. Little kids are hilarious.
-I know, right? -My gosh.
-Okay, now it's your turn. -What do you mean?
I showed you mine. Now you show me yours.
My favorite stuff is definitely not safe for the workplace.
That's okay. This isn't your typical workplace.
I'll show you some shit.
I don't want to deal with this.
Hank! Can I see you in here a minute? Thank you, Terry.
-Have a seat. -Don't mind if I do. What's up?
-Did you finger that actress? -Dear.
-Not exactly. -You finger someone, or you don't.
Technically, she fingered herself with my finger.
-That's why it smelled like pussy? -No, that was ambition.
-Now I have to hire that crazy bitch. -Why?
She's gonna claim you did something inappropriate with your stink finger.
And with your fucking record, no one's ever gonna believe you didn't.
What's the matter, hon? Did he finger you too?
-What did you make her watch? -I didn't make her watch anything.
Something upset her.
She was showing me some of her favorite videos.
She asked me to show her something that I liked.
-And? -It's kind of dirty.
I'm a big boy. I can handle it.
This huge, prison yard-looking motherfucker
is having anal sex with this cute little porno chick, right?
So he's just banging away and banging away, but that's not the cool part.
At a key point, the guy pulls his monster cock out of her butt,
and shoves his entire scrotus.
It's literally like a giant gym bag full of basketballs.
Best of part of the video, he pulls it out again and yells, "Boo-yah!
It's actually really funny.
Do you know what else it is? Sexual harassment.
-What? She asked for it. -This is a workplace, Leon.
-It's Levon. -That's what I said.
it wasn't even sexual, though. It was comedic. Was I turned on?
Yes, she's incredibly hot. But was I trying to fuck her? No.
-You started to give her a back rub. -She said that?
-You told me to play it cool. -I did, I did.
I told him to play it cool. Well played, son.
-Thanks, dad. -Well played.
-The agent's on the phone. -Who? Which one?
The one who represents the actress that Hank fingered.
Happy?
You fingered an actress? Where was I?
You were busy sexually harassing my assistant.
Jesus Christ! Like father, like son. Two real, live degenerate assholes.
Get the fuck out of here, now.
So what are we talking about here? Are we fired?
Does it look like I fire people? Have you seen this fucking office?
It's a fucking clown college out there. Get out!
-What were you thinking? -What's the big deal?
You can't do something like that at work.
Says the guy who fingered someone.
-Watch your tone! -Fuck this.
-Where you going? -Home. I'm done.
-You're just gonna quit? -It's a stupid fucking job anyways.
Fetching lunches for a bunch of assholes.
-We know why you live with your mom. -Who the fuck are you?
I'm trying to make the best of an incredibly fucked-up situation.
I'm sorry I came looking for you. Don't say things you can't take back.
-Who says I want to take it back? -You're a drama queen.
Which is why I'm gonna be a great fucking actor one day.
You can't even get through one day as a fucking PA.
-Fuck you. -Fuck me?
-Yeah, fuck you. -Fuck you, you ungrateful little shit.
-You embarrass me. -It won't happen again.
Come on, Hank. Do that shit. Come on, baby.
Do it! Come on.
Are you kidding me?
-What the fuck is going on? -I won. I'm writing the episode.
No, you're not. That's not the way it works around here, Terry.
-I'll arm-wrestle you for it. -And you will win.
But I assign the episodes. This place is a fucking freak show.
What the fuck is this now?
I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm Julia, Levon's mom.
Levon has something he'd like to say to you. Do it.
Hi, Melanie. I'm very sorry I created a hostile working environment for you.
I was just trying to make you laugh. I guess I got a little carried away.
I had a very liberal attitude about Levon and pornography.
I guess it's okay.
It was funny when the guy's balls just popped out of her butt like that.
-Just don't try to massage me again. -I won't. I promise.
It was creepy. And your breath was horrible.
-Did you brush your teeth? -I forgot. Hank was rushing me.
-Did you floss last night? -Mom, stop it.
Mr. Rath, sir, I'm very sorry I fucked up lunch
and disrespected your authority. It will not happen again, sir.
Shit happens. You live and learn. Get me a diet coke.
-Rick Rath. -Julia.
Everybody calls me Rath.
I'd appreciate it if you didn't scream at my son. He's a human being,
and I'm sure you can find a better way to motivate your employees.
This is really happening, huh?
How is it even remotely possible that you have kid that old?
Thank you.
Right. Him. Yeah, sorry. I'm waiting. Where's my apology?
I do have something I'd like to say to you.
Who the fuck do you think you are coming down on him so hard?
You got to put in some serious time before you tear into him like that.
He is my son. You're a sperm donor. What do you know about him? Nothing.
Moody just got schooled.
Maybe I overreacted a tad, but the boy is in need of some male guidance.
This woman is doing a fantastic job. This kid's got excellent manners.
-She brought cookies. -Which are amazing.
-Don't be an asshole. -Well said, Julia.
-Can I ask you something? -Sure.
-Have you ever done any acting? -Oh, years ago, in New York.
I'm from New York.
I did some theater and a few commercials, but I wasn't very good.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
I think you're probably a lot more talented than you think you are.
-Let me show you around. -Take that, rapist.
Levon! Milk!
-I didn't see this coming, Runks. -Me either, buddy.
Boy, you really take your erections for granted, huh?
How did you manage to steer this back around to your dick?
I was sharing about how my life has been turned inside out, upside down.
Mine too, you know? My dick isn't working.
I can't make sweet love to my wife, who surely must be growing frustrated
and doubting whether she did the right thing getting back together with me.
My relationship with Karen has never been more fucked than it is right now.
She managed to get past the whole Mia thing, right? Proof.
-Time heals all. -Even broken dicks?
Here's hoping.
It's Marcy.
Come home and fuck your wife. She's stoned and horny.
If it doesn't work, you can eat me out and use the verb.
Verb?
-Vibe. -Brator.
Stop at the store. We need milk.
Go forth. Do as you're told. Get your tongue ready for a workout.
And don't forget the milk. Grab some booze too. We're almost out.
You know I like me a nightcap when I get home.
And some pop chips. I love me some pop chips.
Working in TV has taught me a lot about snack food.
Pop chips!
-What? -Hi.
What do you want, Hank? I'm not in the mood.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
This whole thing has got me so nuts that I haven't really taken the time
to appreciate how bananas it must be for you.
I know I can't talk my way out of it or expect it to blow over,
I fully appreciate what a big deal this is for you.
What else can I do for you?
I'm a halfway-decent paternal-type person, aren't I?
So that's what this is about. You want your ego stroked.
It's that I'm feeling pretty rusty right now and I just...
No, you're feeling pretty sorry for yourself about now.
And that's a waste of time, because this is life, Hank.
Shit comes flying at you, and you got to deal with it.
That's what defines you, how you deal with it.
You don't get points for wallowing.
I have never felt more entitled
to drink and contemplate my job-like existence
than I do right now.
And you have a daughter who has no idea what's coming.
Lucky her.
And you have this kid who's come looking for his father.
He's probably a raw nerve right now, and his mom all, like, freaked out
and wondering how her life's gonna change.
-It's a lot. -How about you?
-You got enough on your plate. -Just don't give up on me, okay?
I'm still me. We're still us.
-Good night, Hank. -Good night.
END OF EPISODE 3, SEASON VII