Previously...
I love teeth. They fascinate me.
When Levon came along, he derailed the whole acting thing.
I became a dental hygienist.
Maybe you should think about getting some other clients.
That's the other reason I'm here.
-I have a severe nut allergy. -Of course.
-I could die. -That would be a shame.
I want to have sex with Rath's assistant.
It's good to shoot for the moon.
-How do I get there? -It's best to play it cool.
I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm Julia, Levon's mom.
I'm very sorry I created a hostile working environment for you.
-Have you ever done any acting? -Years ago, in New York.
I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
You're a lot more talented than you think you are.
Hi.
I know you, love that overgrown man-child of yours. Ours?
Too soon? Stop visiting him at work. It's not cool.
It's so far from cool, it's almost creepy.
We're in creepy town right now... population you.
I have an appointment, and it's too soon.
-Are you getting stoned now? -What kind of appointment?
An acting appointment.
-You didn't answer my question. -An audition.
Rath said there was a small part I might be good for.
-Did he? Interesting. -You don't think it's a good idea?
Very few things are good ideas. It turns out I'm a negative person.
I'm working on it with my therapist, not really. What's wrong?
-I'm really nervous. -Like explosive diarrhea nervous?
Whatever is going on in your gastrointestinal tract, nobody cares.
-'Cause you look amazing. -Really? Do you think so?
I do. I think. I think many impure thoughts.
It's like the pussycat theater up in here now.
What am I thinking? It's so stupid. I should just go back to work,
where people love me, and people have teeth that need cleaning.
I do it really well. Tell Rath thanks, but, no, thanks.
I will do nothing of the sort. You can do this. Go on.
How do you know?
I am flashing back to a memory of our brief history together.
I used to run lines with you. Yeah. Remember?
No matter what the sides were, you'd always turn it into a sex scene.
I was trying to get you to internalize the material
without thinking too much about it or I was just being awesome.
You're gonna be great in there.
Just break one of those incredibly sexy legs of yours.
-Thank you, Hank. -You're welcome.
-Go back to getting stoned now. -Thank you.
Maybe you care to partake. All the cool kids are doing it.
It might just take the edge off. Come here.
A little shotgun.
There you go. You're ready now. Go get them.
CALIFORNICATION Season VII, episode 4
Take a look at this. Tell me if it's as good as I think it is.
I'm biased, but...
-How was your weekend, Danko? -Grande groovy.
When are you gonna let me make you a part of my plans?
-Who writes this shit... you? -I didn't write this shit. You did.
I didn't write it. Sounds like something you would have written.
Okay, watch.
-There's rules about that, Danko. -Rules are made to be broken.
So is hearts, Danko.
Was that okay or... Can I do it again?
Watch. She's gonna laugh.
That's it? That's the...
It's a small part, but she'd be the secretary at the police station.
She'd be around a lot, which would be nice.
-And she's good, right? -She is good.
-She's very natural. -Very natural.
Extremely natural, if you know what I'm saying.
I think I know what you're saying.
-Does this make you uncomfortable? -I guess not.
She's so beautiful. But it's more than that.
She is like a hit of pure sunshine. Not like all these damage cases...
Is it cool if I...
-If you what? -Pursue her?
-Her son does work for you. -Is that a conflict?
He's not gonna be that happy if he finds out you're banging his mom.
Yeah, but what do I care? He works for me. I don't work for him.
That's true. All right, I guess it's fine, then.
-You're not looking to rekindle? -No.
-Why not? -My life is too complicated now.
You got that whole thing going on with the mother of your other kid.
Yeah, that whole other-mother thing. Got that going on.
Maybe you're right. Maybe I shouldn't give her the part.
No, you should. I think you should.
This is a thing of good. You should give it to her.
I'll give it to her, all right. Sorry.
I cannot thank you enough for agreeing to sit down with me today.
Thank Hank. He begged me to. He also speaks the world of you.
Usually he makes fun of me.
He does that too, but it's out of love.
-There is love. I do love the guy. -That is so sweet.
-I took a bullet for him! -No, you didn't.
-Yes, I did. Would you like to see? -Not really.
-Can you see it? -That looks like eczema.
-It's scar tissue. -Whatever. What's your pitch?
You are a very talented young woman, Goldie Forrest.
I have been a big fan for quite some time.
Cool. I haven't heard that one before.
You wrote an episode of Dawson's Creek, didn't you?
Yes, about a hundred years ago. Why do you know that?
-I love that show. -You didn't watch Dawson's Creek.
Yes, I did! I swear. I still watch it in reruns.
-Are you gay? -No, not at all.
I was, yeah, for a short time.
-I was just pretending. -Why?
If I told you, I would have to kill you, you would be bored to tears.
Sometimes when other people are telling a story,
I fantasize about ripping their tongue out,
shoving it so far up their ass they can only dream of shitting it out.
-You are a delightful young lady. -Do you think I'm pretty?
Yes, very much so. I think you're beautiful.
It's working against me professionally?
I think my looks are a problem.
If I were a hatchet face, I'd have my own show by now.
-Who are you with? -UTK. But I'm feeling lost.
That's not uncommon.
Have you ever given any thought to taking on a manager?
I have one. I really should not be doing this right now.
What are we doing? We're talking.
Two people sitting and talking.
It feels wrong, dirty, like I'm cheating on him.
-I'm a dirty little slut. -But obviously you're unhappy.
He's a good guy. He's just kind of old.
My writer friends call him "Old Balls." Seems impotent.
-That's not the appropriate word. -It is the perfect word.
-He's a real limp dick. -Sometimes those can surprise you.
Are you doing some kind of a weird reverse psychology
where you defend my representation and make me think you're a good guy?
It's totally working.
-What's wrong? -Nothing.
-Why do you think something's wrong? -Because you're too quiet.
Usually I got to keep turning up the volume to drown you out.
-I like that you know me. -What's the problem?
-I'm fucking heartsick, man. -Melanie?
Maybe you should shoot a little lower.
What about that that girl that works in post?
-The one with the lazy eye? -That girl works her ass off.
When you jerked off to a girl because she was a worker?
Melanie drives me crazy. She gets me so hot.
I beat off to her at work today.
That's dangerous to masturbate at work. Talk to your Uncle Charlie.
It's not safe, and it's disgusting. What's wrong with you?
-Don't jerk off at work. -Fuck you.
-Director's trying to get in there. -That little worm, that hack?
You got the Moody blood. Can't let that little worm
get in the way of you and all your masturbatory daydreams.
-He's gonna win. He's a director. -No, he's a TV director.
You're on your way up the ladder. Granted, you're using a footstool
but he's stuck in the middle, he's gonna fall off and die screaming.
-How he keeps getting jobs? -I don't know either.
Must have film somewhere of Stu riding the Sybian.
-I'd like to see that. -Me too.
-I got it! I got the part! -Congrats. Way to go.
All right, congrats.
I'd like to think my pep talk had something to do with it...
That and the shotgun.
-What's wrong? -Nothing.
-Aren't you happy for me? -It's awesome.
Not only am I a 21-year-old guy who lives with his mother.
Now I'm a guy who works with his mother.
We moved all the way out here to launch my acting career,
and you're the one who lucks into a job.
Stop being such a little killjoy. This is your mother's happy day.
What he said. Come on, let's celebrate.
You're happy for me. Let's have dinner.
Get the door.
-Can Hank come? -Hank has better things to do.
I got to work on my 85-page outline for Santa Monica Cop.
Don't be such a killjoy. It's mom's happy day. Right?
All right. Come on, get in.
To the city of angels, where dreams actually do come true.
Tell that to all the brokenhearted starlets who got spit out,
and f'd in the "A" atop the Hollywood sign.
-I love this city! -She can't handle her alcohol.
Back in the day, your mom could drink.
I could drink you under the table, motherfucker.
Maybe I just like getting you under the table.
Gross. Get a room, you two. Jesus.
There are some seriously hot bitches here.
Who are you? Anybody can be a dick. Be a gentleman.
What she said. Excellent parenting.
Shit.
-What? -It's Melanie.
What's so bad? He likes Melanie.
-Shut up. -I want to hear all about it.
They need me back at the office. You got to drive me.
We're gonna raise the roof! Let's play some pool!
This is my job. I got to jump. It's show business.
-Can I pee first? -Granted. Bring back a sample.
If I find myself alone with her, you know, what do I do?
-You really like this girl? -Pretty much, yeah.
Make your intentions known, and don't be creepy about it.
-Don't whip out your dick. -Why would I...
-When your mom and I spoke. -A phase. Why did she tell you that?
I'm impressed. I could see us working together.
That is music to my ears.
I will start working to make your dreams come true.
-What are your immediate goals? -You know what I want?
To run the fucking show. Rath is a hack.
He's coasting on his resume at this point.
If he would just listen to me, we could crush it,
but he can't hear what anyone else is saying.
I find myself nodding my head at every stupid idea he has.
You know what I mean?
You help me get the show out from under Rath, and I'm all yours.
-It sounds kind of devious, actually. -I know, right?
So all I have to do is break up with "Old Balls."
-Unpleasant. -But necessary.
-I have a confession to make. -What's that?
I went on RedTube and watched your masturbation video.
Sorry about that. I've been trying to get them to take it down,
but apparently it still gets a lot of hits.
Don't apologize. It's kind of hot.
I mean, there is nothing limp dick about you, Charlie.
What kind of cleanup am I looking at in there?
I don't know what you're insinuating.
Thanks for celebrating with us. It meant a lot to Levon.
I was happy to. You deserve a little stardust.
Thanks, Hank. I think your pep talk helped. Good night.
I shouldn't say this out loud, but apparently that's what I do.
You do realize that Rath might have certain expectations now?
-What are you talking about? -He did give you the job.
He expects me to have sex with him or give him a blow job?
I'm sure he'd enjoy either one. He does find you pretty foxy.
-He said I was very natural. -You are very natural.
You're also... you're very naive.
I should turn it down.
No... don't cut off your boobs to spite your chest.
I'm trying to make you aware that the boss might have a crush on you.
You could do a lot worse. The guy's a serious earner.
-He has really nice teeth. -And he's got really nice teeth.
-Smile. -Do I have to?
You have something between your lateral incisor and your canine.
-A little hamburger meat. Gone. -Thank you.
-They could use a good cleaning. -Okay, I'll make an appointment.
-You should. -I will, right away.
-I'm not ready to call it a night. -All right, I'm game.
-Let's do it. -Where do I point this lead sled?
I'm waiting.
-Does Rath ever hit on you? -No.
I gave him a killer blow job when I got here. He's left me alone.
-Really? -Yeah.
That's smart, I guess.
-Dude, I'm kidding. -Of course you are.
What makes your blow jobs so killer?
-Wouldn't you like to know? -I would, yeah.
You're funny. Rath has been through a bunch
of sexual harassment lawsuits, so he's learned to behave himself.
I do catch him staring at my tits but I take it as a compliment.
-You totally should. -One, two, three, eyes on me.
-Hey, Mel. -Hey, you.
Can you run out and get me a nonfat vanilla latte, kid?
I really don't work for you, so...
-But you work for the show, right? -Yeah, so?
So, if you work for the show, you work for me, I direct the show.
You directed the pilot, except for the reshoots.
I guess they had to bring in someone else for those!
Come here.
I have laid a lot of groundwork with this girl, weeks of prep.
I know you think I'm swinging my big, fat dick around.
I'm actually seeing a few steps ahead.
No matter what happens between her and me, it's gonna end badly.
I accept it as the cost of doing business.
But you could be like the shoulder to cry on.
-See where I'm going with this? -Yeah. And you're full of shit.
-You could use an altoid. -Vanilla latte.
Get her one too, and don't be too quick about it.
Hello.
I can't tell you how not into this I am.
It's a cleaning.
You shouldn't be handling dental equipment under the influence.
-What are you so afraid of? -You've seen Raiders of the Lost Ark.
You know how Indiana Jones is this all-around badass?
He's literate. He's smart. Great with the ladies, a little like me!
-But he's afraid of snakes. -Okay, so?
I'm afraid of dentists. That dude is my snakes.
Once, I saw Marathon Man when I was younger,
and I had nightmares, I wet the bed,
which is way hotter when a woman does it.
I'm gonna clean your teeth!
-Say, "You're a good director." -You're a really good director.
-Say, "You're a feature director." -You are a feature director.
Yeah, that's right. I am a feature director.
I'm doing television because it pays good but I'm close.
-I'm close to having a feature. -Yeah. You're so close.
This is awful. I'm not gonna be able to un-see this shit.
Leave the lattes and get the fuck out of here.
My God.
You shouldn't be doing this. He's on his way down. I'm on my way up.
-Says who? -My father.
I knew it. That guy lives to fuck my shit up! He's such an asshole!
That's my father you're talking about!
Your father is a fucking asshole!
-You're a dick. You know that? -You're the dick.
-I hate you. -You're a dick!
Your dad is ruining my life.
What the fuck? You have a gun in there?
-Smell my finger. -No, never!
Smell my fingers. Fucking asshole.
You're a sick bastard.
Can't believe you're into that guy.
He's on his way down. I'm on my way up the ladder.
I don't mean this the way it sounds, but you're a PA.
-He's directed movies. -Shitty movies.
What other way could that have sounded?
He owns a home and a car.
That's what this is about... possessions?
Anyone can buy stuff. Not everyone has one of these.
-You have a surprisingly big dick. -Thanks.
That doesn't make me want to be with you, Levon.
-This is not as bad as I thought. -I told you so.
-You're good at cleaning teeth. -Fucking "A" right I am.
-Can I have another hit of nitrous? -You've had enough.
Didn't see me cutting you off when we were at the bar!
Got to see a dentist on a more regular basis.
I can't stress it enough how important oral hygiene is.
-Stop saying that. -What?
-"Oral." It's turning me on. -Good to know I still turn you on.
There's nothing about you that wouldn't turn a person on.
-It doesn't feel that way sometimes. -No serious relationships ever?
There were a few things, but Levon always got in the way.
I wanted to find somebody who could embrace him for who he is and also,
play an active role in his life, I guess that's a lot to ask.
I think he's kind of a great kid. He's kind of awesome
in an initially off-putting kind of way, it's weird.
He's a really good kid. He's got a great heart.
-He gets that from you. -Well, that's not fair.
You're complimenting me on my mothering skills when I'm so close?
-This is not a good idea. -It's a terrible idea.
It's Levon. He's always been such a little cock blocker.
-Should I rinse? -Yeah. What's wrong, honey?
You told to make my intentions known.
And not to take your dick out. I said that.
-I got carried away. I'm sorry. -You think?
I did not raise you to threaten women with your penis.
I was showing it to her. I thought it might make a difference.
No one I like ever likes me back.
I'm not saying what he did is right, but I get where he's coming from.
He's a guy. He wants to get laid. It's totally normal.
It's normal, but it's disgusting, and it's illegal.
Yeah, it's all those things too. But what is that about?
-Is it handsome and special? -It's pretty big.
Like father, like son... Unless big dicks run in your family too.
He could have your big dick. Where were we before
we were interrupted by your son's need to expose himself?
-Our son. -You said it was too soon.
What happened before... that can't happen again.
I agree. Too confusing.
What happens in the dentist's office stays in the dentist's office.
So you're saying it can only happen in a dentist's office?
-I'm just kidding. -I'm not saying that.
I'm gonna have a talk with him, about girls,
and try to make sure he doesn't get arrested for something.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
It was a pleasure co-parenting with you tonight,
I'm gonna hit the road before the nitrous wears off.
Do you have any more of that stuff from this morning?
That stuff? Let me see.
END OF EPISODE 4, SEASON VII