Previously...
You have a surprisingly big dick.
That doesn't make me want to be with you.
I'm not saying what he did is right.
He's a guy. He wants to get laid. That's normal.
You have another family.
The bottom has dropped out of our relationship!
Have you ever given any thought to taking on a manager?
You help me get the show out from under Rath, and I'm all yours.
There is nothing limp dick about you.
She's so beautiful. Is it cool if I pursue her?
-You're not looking to rekindle? -No.
-This is... -It's a terrible idea.
-You rang? -Yeah.
-How's that outline going? -Not great.
It's like having an impacted bowel and you stick your finger up your ass
and pry the shit out one dry chunk at a time, except with words.
-Thank you for that. -You're welcome.
Didn't know you played.
-Enough to know how much I suck. -Copy that, motherfucker.
I am going out on a date with Julia tonight.
-The real reason you summoned me. -Maybe. You okay with that?
-If the lady's cool with it... -What about the kid?
I thought you didn't care about such things.
-You wanted to see me? -Yeah! Come in. Have a seat.
-How you doing, buddy? -Couldn't be better.
-Want some chocolate? -No, thank you.
I wanted you to know I'm taking your mom out tonight. Hank supports it.
-I know all about it. -She told you?
Yeah. We tell each other everything.
-Everything? -Pretty much, yeah.
My Aunt Jesse stayed with us when I started jerking off.
She leaves a pair of her panties behind. I used to sniff 'em.
Really enhanced the orgasm! Then I started to feel weird,
I told my mom. She was cool about it. She's pretty hot for an aunt.
-I should rethink this thing. -Don't. My mom's a great lady.
She deserves to have fun with men. Gross.
Anyone can be a dick. Be a gentleman, you know?
Think about it like if I was gonna date your mom.
I don't want to think about it like that. My mom is dead.
I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Was she hot?
Holy shit.
I'm totally free to hang tonight. What do you want to do?
CALIFORNICATION Season VII, episode 5
So who recommended you?
Mommy! Why are you hurting that lady's "Bagina"?
I told you to stay your room. Mommy's working.
It's okay. She's not hurting it. I mean, it hurts a little bit.
Actually, it hurts a lot. She's just taking the hair off.
-Why are you taking the hair off? -Boys like the way it looks.
Go back to your room.
I don't like it at all. It looks like a big pink walnut.
All right, then, run along now.
-He is so cute. -Yes. He is a little dolly...
Just like his dad. It's weird. So who recommended you?
-Stu Beggs. -Okay, my ex.
Yeah. He said that you probably needed the work.
He said that your husband isn't much of an earner, so...
I'm sure he did. And, no, he is not.
He talks about you a lot. He's still in love with you.
Actually, he has said that out loud, like, a lot.
So how do you guys know each other?
-He's a client. -Okay.
Are you, like, a publicist or something?
-More like... -A hooker?
-Yeah. Pretty much. -That's real neat.
-Sorry. -No, it's fine. No judgment.
Stu's big into prostitutes these days.
Yeah, he must be nursing a broken heart or something
because he drops a lot of cash on 'tutes.
I like to think I'm his favorite, but he's not really very picky.
I'll tell you what, though. He calls me Marcy when we bone.
Good to know.
Cheers.
Shit! Jesus Christ, that tastes awful.
-It'll put hair on your balls. -Too much hair on my balls.
See this mop? Picture my balls.
This is a house where the carpet matches the drapes.
-That's not how you use that phrase. -It's not?
You've really never had a serious girlfriend.
Not really. I've had my fair share of texting relationships,
but they end with me saying something inappropriate,
the girl goes silent, I end up texting her a hundred more times,
her parents call my mom, I get a talking-to about cyberbullying.
You need to start dealing with real live women one-on-one.
-That is fucking scary. -Yeah, but still...
Here's your shot. Go forth.
Hi, pretty lady.
You want to have a drink with me and my dad?
We recently started a relationship with each other.
I know you.
-Dude, did you bang her? -Shut up. Where from?
I was your student. I took your writing class.
I taught for a while. I forgot about that. How was I?
-I've had better. -I've been better.
Allow me to make it up to you
by introducing you to a promising young actor on the rise... Levon.
-What have you been in? -Not much of anything, really.
Sometimes I film myself doing famous movie monologues,
and I put them on YouTube.
He's working on a new show called Santa Monica Cop.
I'm just a PA, really. I get lunches and shit.
You were sleeping with that girl who turned out to be a stripper?
That is silly. Teachers sleeping with students... that's not cool.
It was a really big deal.
Didn't you fuck that TA too and the dean's wife?
You were famous that semester. You fucked them all.
Could I get a picture with you? My friend is gonna lose her shit.
Would you mind?
Thanks, Dad.
One, two, three.
Goldie? You in there?
-What took you so long? -I came as soon as you called.
-Have you been drinking? -Obviously. Maybe this is a mistake.
What? Why? What are you talking about?
I need a manager who cares about me as much what me can do for him.
I do, Goldie. What can I do for you? How can I help?
-Get me off this fucking show. -Why?
-Rath humiliated me. -Did he hit on you?
No! He would never do that.
I'm sure he thinks I'm an unfuckable monster.
I don't think that's true at all.
Thank you, Charlie. You make me feel really sexy.
I didn't mean to do that exactly. But good, I guess.
-So what did Rath do? -He fucking rewrote my script.
Isn't that, par for the course in television?
Every single line? I didn't write one usable word?
-Not even a preposition or two. -What would you like me to do?
-Would you want me to... -Have him killed.
-Okay.
What do you say we put a pin in that one just for now...
We look at that as a last-resort situation?
The least you could do is call him and rip him a new asshole
so he knows I can't be treated like some girl from the street!
I'm a world-class writer and producer and I'm gonna have my own show,
if that means giving up every ounce of personal happiness to get it.
I will talk to him.
-Promise? -I promise.
-Will you drive me home? -Sure thing, Goldie. Let's go.
One more drink.
He's a little monster!
This is the best playdate Stuart's ever had.
They do have chemistry.
-Seems like a good kid. -He is. I wish I could get him laid.
Can you get me laid?
Maybe we can kill two pervs with one stone.
You deflower him. It's a win-win.
I'm horny as fuck, but I don't think that kid's gonna last long enough
for mommy to get hers.
-Maybe he needs professional help. -Like a therapist?
-Like a hooker? -Yeah.
Hank, I waxed a hooker today. She was young and cute.
-Really? -Probably spendy.
-It's only money, right? -Oh, my God.
That kid would love you forever if you bust his hymen like that.
-Chick was bananas hot! -Let's just hold on a second.
-Is this wrong? I can't tell anymore. -Me neither.
-Let me see if she's available. -Good idea.
Hello, again. Thanks for the rip. My pussy looks fantastic.
It really does. Great job! You could eat off the fucking thing.
-Thank you. And you are? -Jim. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
-Is this him? -No! No, sorry.
You're not supposed to get excited about the fucking Johns here.
-He's a good-looking guy. -You must be the pimp.
What is this, like a blaxploitation movie?
We don't really use that terminology anymore.
I'm more like her manager, the guy you hand the money to...
-Like, right now. -Sure.
What's the split? My guy gets 15%, his pimp hand is not strong at all.
What are you, the Better Business Bureau?
Where's this dude she's gonna fuck?
-Hey, guys. -Karen, hello.
Why don't you get your guests a drink?
-Yes. -What are you doing here?
-You've been ducking my calls. -I know.
-I want to talk to you about Becca. -That's why I'm ducking you.
When are you gonna tell her about Levon?
-When is she getting back? -In a few weeks.
In a few weeks, then.
She wants to know why you're ducking her calls.
I'm not gonna talk to her on the phone about this shit.
I think we should do it together, you and I.
No. I am not gonna get involved in your dysfunctional shit, okay?
-What is this? -What do you mean?
Marcy invited some waxing clients over. Isn't that right?
Yeah. I'm having a client over for a drink.
How come she's here so late and dressed so slutty?
-Maybe she's gonna get a facial. -Right. Really?
Does she always travel with sex toys?
Some people are not so averse to rubberized help.
That's true.
Mission accomplished. Little Stuart is officially asleep.
-We played the tickle game. -He loves the tickle game!
I also taught him how to dutch oven. He loved it.
Kid loves farts. You did good.
-Is this him? -Who's him? Who am I? Who are you?
Let's get this party started! We got another appointment later.
You got to wear a rubber, okay?
Anything off the menu has to be approved by me.
She's pretty open, but scat play definitely out of the question.
-My God. You got him a hooker. -That is ridiculous.
Marcy was kind enough to set Levon up with one of her clients.
Look at what a cute couple they would make, adorable.
Is your client a hooker?
Who knows what she does for a living? That's personal.
-Is your client a hooker? -Maybe.
I help you try to bust your kid's cherry, I will not lie to my friend.
-This is so depraved. -I'm performing a service here.
He needs to clear this hurdle. He's got to get the poison out.
-That's what Stu always says. -It's true.
You get that shit out of your system, you can think clearly again.
You got me a fucking hooker?
Maybe.
This is exactly what I thought having a father would be like.
No, I'm sorry. No.
I know this has absolutely nothing to do with me,
but I feel someone should be representing your mom's interests.
-That's fucking weird. -No.
She would not want you to lose your virginity like this.
You told her I'm a virgin? That's embarrassing, dude!
You don't present as a guy who's knee-deep in a river of pussy.
Yet it's all I ever think about.
So the first time... it should be special, right?
It should be someone you care about, someone you love, you like...
I agree. I could see myself falling in love with her.
-See what she's wearing? -I do, yeah.
It's not something that you would want to pay for.
I haven't even got a paycheck yet.
There's forms I'm supposed to fill out. Can you help me out with that?
-Money's taken care of. -I fucking love you, dad.
I fucking love you too.
No. Stop it. Levon, I know this is very confusing for you.
Just take a moment.
Breathe. Yeah. Okay.
Think about your mother.
That's the last thing I want to think about.
About what she would say.
Creepy Cosby family, are we gonna do this or what?
There's no refunds here. There's a 25% restocking fee.
-That's steep. -It's a seller's market.
Hold on. Karen. Do you want to fuck me?
No! What is wrong with you?
The only person in this room willing to fuck me is the one getting paid.
I think I'm okay with that. I'm super psyched. I'm doing this.
-Hey, dad? The clit's on top, right? -Last I checked, yeah.
Okay. There you go, you lean there.
I'll get the door.
Good job.
Okay!
Here we go.
-What are you doing? -I'm driving you home.
No. No, not in your car... In my car.
How am I supposed to get to work tomorrow?
-How am I gonna get home tonight? -That's your problem.
You can take a rickshaw. No, you take me home.
You walk me in. You make sure that I am safe.
And then you need to position me so I don't choke on my own vomit.
If that's what you need, sure.
That's not a good idea, you're gonna get in my house.
You'll want to take advantage of me in my inebriated state.
I would never do something like that.
I'm not hot enough to take advantage of.
No! You're plenty hot, Goldie. You're crazy hot!
Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you for taking care of me.
That's just what I do, okay? That's full-service management!
Curb to curb.
If someone would've told me I was gonna be represented one day
by the masturbating agent, I would've just shit my panties.
-Wonders never cease. -Can I ask you something?
What made you want to throw it away for random jerk-off sessions?
It's just the very same thing that makes me a great representative.
I'm ready to burn it all down at a moment's notice.
Burn it all down. I like that.
I'm gonna get that in a tattoo on my bikini line.
-We should get tattoos. Let's go. -No!
You never get a tattoo under the influence.
That's how you wind up with a butterfly tramp stamp.
-You're funny. You're really funny. -Give me a hug.
I could feel you getting hard last week when we were hugging.
I'm sorry about that.
-You're getting hard right now? -Why does this keep happening?
Shit. I don't feel so good.
It's okay.
Sorry. I think I'm allergic to sulfites.
My first time wasn't special at all.
Dude kissed me a couple of times, paid zero attention to my tits,
licked me twice, stuck it in once,
panicked, pulled out, and shot a load all over my thigh.
Fun stuff.
At least it got you prepared for Papa Runks.
-What was your first time like? -Shut up.
You looking to make any extra money? I could turn you out, no problem.
You're a feisty one. I like that. Nice.
Karen... I'm sorry about that.
I don't know what's worse, what's going on here tonight,
or the fact that I don't even know who you are anymore.
If we had a son, we'd probably be having the same conversation,
and I would feel exactly the same way.
If we had a son, I would never let you do something like this.
-It's just sex. -That's the whole point.
You're teaching him to degrade and objectify women,
that they exist to satisfy his urges, when you could be teaching him
that the best kind of sex comes from making a connection.
I agree with you. I do. There are all different types of sex
and who says he has to make sweet love his first time out the gate?
-Hi. Hank, is it? -Yeah.
Could you come in here for a second?
It's more for a threesome. Just saying.
-Your boy's a little nervous. -That's totally understandable.
I asked him to unwrap my dress, he almost passed out.
I'm shaking like a leaf, man. Is it possible I'm having a heart attack?
Maybe there's an underlying medical condition.
-Maybe I should go see a doctor. -Maybe we made a mistake here.
Maybe this isn't the way it's supposed to go down for me!
I'm supposed to meet a nice girl
sweet-talk her into letting me foul her.
You don't have to go through with this.
-You wouldn't be disappointed? -No way, never.
I'm so fucking lame, and you're such a baller.
You are not lame in the slightest. You're a bright, interesting kid.
-You got a shitload of love. -I do.
You've made the past few weeks of my life very interesting.
-I'm happy to know you. -Thanks, Dad.
Guys... This is maybe one of the sweetest fucking things I've seen.
I have another appointment. If we're not gonna do this,
I'm just gonna grab my double-sided dildo, and I'm just gonna go.
-What do you think? -What do you think?
-I don't know.
Here's what I think.
That's what she thinks.
So what's it gonna be?
-Get the fuck out of here, okay? -Gone.
If you find yourself too excited, think about your grandfather
emptying in his colostomy bag, works like a charm, trust!
Hi.
What's going on?
Levon is losing his virginity to a hooker in the guest room.
Good for him.
-And who are you? -He's the pimp.
I handle the money, and I keep her safe from creeps.
Don't be such a condescending prick.
-He's the pimp? -Did you piss your pants?
Done deal. Another happy customer.
Kid's got a sick hog on him.
You're not supposed to get excited about their fucking cocks.
Some of them are better and nicer than others. It's a fact.
I had such a fun time! Call me anytime. Tweet me.
-I will. Definitely. -Not! That shit's expensive.
We offer a frequent-flyer discount. Peace out, weirdos.
-Bye, you honey! -Bye, Marcy. Thank you.
Take me to bed, Runks. I haven't been laid in so long,
I'm starting to feel like a born-again virgin.
I'm not feeling very amorous. My client puked into my crotch.
Have a seat, Harpo.
-How you feeling? -Amazing.
It's like my head is so fucking clear right now!
I understand the relationship between shit in the universe.
I could honestly solve some of the world's bigger problems.
-You got the poison out. -Yes. Exactly.
-How long's this feeling gonna last? -About six or seven minutes.
Better enjoy it, then.
That thing with my grandpa totally worked.
How'd you know he had a bag?
You know how you tell your mother everything?
-Are you gonna tell her about this? -No way.
She would be totally pissed and think it was all fucking gross.
-That's good to know. -Hey, dad?
Thanks again. This was truly an epic fucking night in the life,
and I will never, ever forget it, obviously.
That's a wet one.
You better get me a kick-ass father's day gift.
You know I will. I'm gonna book you some time with Nikki.
-She did this thing with her vagina. -That's too much.
-Smell my fingers. -Go to bed.
END OF EPISODE 5, SEASON VII