Previously...
-I got the part! -Congrats. Way to go.
You realize that Rath might have certain expectations now...
He expects me to have sex with him or give him a blow job?
-So who recommended you? -Stu Beggs.
He said that your husband isn't much of an earner.
I waxed a hooker today. She was young and cute and totally down to fuck.
Is this wrong? I can't tell anymore.
You got me a hooker? My God!
This is exactly what I thought having a father would be like.
-The clit's on top, right? -Another happy customer.
Are you gonna tell your mother about this?
-She would be totally pissed. -Good to know.
I remarried a depraved lunatic who can't even get it up for me.
I need a manager who cares about me as much as what me can do for him.
-I do, Goldie. -Get me off this fucking show.
-Why? -Rath humiliated me.
-You're getting hard right now? -Why does this keep happening to me?
Sorry!
Killing bad guys is my business, and business be fucking crackin'.
Especially when I'm killing crackheads.
So don't y'all worry about the funny.
That's my job. I bring the fucking funny.
Here's what's not my job delivering all your expositional shit.
Save that yickity-yack for the guest stars. Now, Danko's cool.
Only time that nigga open his mouth, he got something to say.
None of that nonsensical cop jargon y'all motherfuckers be writing.
"Watch out! Get down! Damn! Now, that's how you drive!"
I can say a whole lot with a look. Peep.
I think I shit my pants.
-That's not the "shit my pants" look. -No?
This is the "shit my pants" look. Slow-mo.
-Y'all feel that? -I feel it.
It's like an electromagnetic pulsing in my asshole area.
Yo, who's this cat?
Hashtag Black, allow me to introduce our newest writer, Hank Moody.
-Hank Moody, the raper. -Yep. The one and the same.
I'm a big fan. You used to work side by side with Samurai?
He was "Sam" to me. Calvin...
He said you like sticking your pee-pee where it don't belong.
I also like to think that my pee-pee belongs wherever it winds up.
You gonna be my guy, Moody. You gonna be my set bitch.
-You cool with that, Rath? -Absolutely.
I'm not a big fan of the set, per se. I find the hours to be punishing.
Has anybody given thought to maybe starting later or shorter hours?
-What is he going on about? -Fuck if I know.
-I'd love to pitch you an idea... -Pitches hurt my ears.
Pitches from bitches. Y'all got the tendency of using too many words.
Why use one word when you can use ten, right?
-I can be quite brief. -He doesn't want to hear your pitch.
-Yo, peace, writer peoples. -Let me walk you out, Hashtag.
Kickoff party tonight at my place, be there.
Don't break anything, and no fucking in my pool. Terry.
Does anybody else want to be set bitch?
-Terry, I'll arm-wrestle you for it. -No.
CALIFORNICATION Season VII, episode 6
-Holy TV money, Batman. -The house utter mediocrity.
I've never felt more determined to sign TV-writer clients.
Do not shit where I eat, it's unsanitary.
Greetings and salutations, 24-hour party people.
Mom, this is the guy that came in his pants.
Nice to meet you. Charlie Runkle.
I'm Hank's manager and heterosexual life mate. Nice to meet you.
You must be Julia. Number one on the baby mama call sheet.
-Levon says great things about you. -Not really, at all, ever.
We gonna see some big tits and round asses up in here tonight?
I'm not afraid to pull your pants down and spank your bare ass.
-I know you're not. I'm sorry. -Go inside and behave yourself.
-Let's check out the talent. -You're not gonna pitch a tent!
-Behave! -Okay.
What's up?
Do you notice anything weird about Levon?
-How could you possibly tell? -He seems more relaxed, confident.
-That's a bad thing? -It's great. I'm not used to it.
Maybe the job has done wonders for the young man's psyche.
Or maybe knowing his dad, who's a positive role model.
I don't think that could be it.
-Nice house. -One day, all this could be yours.
-Mrs. Julia Rath, has a nice ring. -It's just one date.
-Hope he wasn't too "handsy". -No, he was a perfect gentleman.
Actually, too perfect. Sometimes you want a guy to...
You want a guy to what?
There's a potential erection hanging in the balance here. What?
I don't even know what to do.
You have a drink or ten and then hope you don't wake up with a tattoo.
Or a bloody asshole or both. Shall we?
-Get me a refill. -I like when you order me around.
I'm serious. I do.
-How's it hanging? -How are you?
-How's the kid? -Still basking in the afterglow.
-You know each other? -She relieved my son of his virginity.
World class!
I wish my pops would've popped my cherry like that.
Instead, he sat me down and gave me a copy of "Playboy"
and told me both men and women had nipples.
Can we keep the whole Levon/hooker thing on the D.L.?
His mom doesn't know anything about it.
-I am nothing if not discreet. -That is true. She is amazing.
She lets me do the kinkiest stuff to her, and she never tells a soul.
-You are so cute. -Sounds like a keeper.
And she looks like Marcy.
-How you be, bro? -I be good.
-Hashtag. -Big Dick Beggs!
-They say he got a big dick. -He's crazy.
-I got to talk to Moody. -Whatever.
I got to level with you. Rath is fucking my shit up.
That's probably something you should bring up with Rath.
He's all about the drama. I'm all about the fucking funny.
I'm trying to do "48 Hours" for a new generation.
I need you to help me out like you helped Samurai out.
We can do a modern-day action comedy, emphasis on the comedy.
I'm not really in a position to do that. I'm not that funny.
You's fucking witty. And I'm fucking funny.
-You are fucking funny. -Damn, who's that piece of ass?
Julia's got a small part on the show as a squad secretary.
-You're gonna be doing some scenes. -I'm doing scenes with her.
She's also the mother of my son.
-You're not together? -No, not currently.
-So you ain't crushing that ass? -Not at the present, 20 years ago.
I wasn't so much crushing it as admiring it.
-I don't like to be rough with ass. -I like to destroy that shit.
I want to murder that ass.
If you murder the ass, then there's no ass left to enjoy.
That's where you're wrong.
You gotta murder that ass so no other motherfucker can enjoy it.
It's like a metaphorical murder. You feel me?
-I feel you. -I'll see if I can turn this bitch out.
I'ma catch you later. Think about my words, hashtag words.
Thought about 'em.
What was that about?
It seems your number one is warm for your number 16's form.
He doesn't like the way you're writing him.
I have to fight with him over expository dialogue.
-Now he feels entitled to my woman? -She's your woman?
I'm a little heated up. She say anything about me?
-You were the perfect gentleman. -Good.
Usually I'm a fucking asshole. Trying to take it easy with her.
-Sometimes, you got to... -What?
-Sometimes you got to... -To what?
-Shit, here comes Shrek. -That's my son.
I got to head this shit off at the pass.
Guess what.
You were born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas day,
when "The New York Times" said God is dead, and the war's begun.
-I hate that. Nikki's here. -She's with Stu Beggs.
-Can I borrow some money? -Levon does like his money. Why?
-I want to bone her again. -She's with Stu.
-She can't spare a few minutes? -Your mom is here.
-There's a ton of rooms. -And it's very expensive.
-I'll pay you back. -No, you won't.
-I'm pissed at you. -I'm a little pissed at you.
That feeling is back, I got to fuck something. I need a release.
I understand. Just try to find a nice, quiet bathroom,
and go beat off, you'll feel much better.
Now that I got my dick wet, beating off seems kind of lame.
Masturbation is still gonna be a huge part of your life.
Girls aren't gonna start hurling themselves at you.
- I should've just stayed a virgin! -Good talk.
Are you sure you should be drinking?
-I'm not allergic to vodka. -Sorry. Who would know?
You know what I am allergic to? Semen.
-Really? -Can't spit or swallow.
One time I took one up top. Broke out in hives and blotches.
Blowing a load on me is like throwing holy water on Linda Blair.
-I'm so fucking pissed at Rath. -Why?
-He let Hashtag call me a bitch. -That doesn't seem like Rath's style.
-Why would you take his side? -Goldie, cooler heads?
First, he rewrites me, then he humiliates me in front of Hashtag.
He's trying to send me a message.
This is all part of his plan, that woman-hating dickhead.
Goldie! I made sure they had some of that gluten-free shit for you.
You're the best. What a great home, beautiful.
Work hard, you'll get there.
I hope you're not using my party as an opportunity to poach clients!
Never.
As if anyone would ever want to sign with this fucking degenerate lunatic.
Have fun!
I can't tell you much, but I can tell you
that we're planning on putting you in some seriously hot outfits.
You're creeping out the female lead of the show.
He has no decision-making power.
And he loves cupcakes and Coldplay and sticking pencils up his pooper.
-Who doesn't love Coldplay? -And you are?
Hank Moody, newbie writer. Be gentle with me.
You wrote the movie, right?
I am one of 19 people who wrote the movie that never came out.
And you wrotebr/"Fucking & Punching"?
I am one of six people who wrote that, which is why it's so damn good.
-It is good. God, I love that movie. -Thank you.
-Can I be honest with you? -If you must.
I don't like the way Rath is writing my character.
You should bring that up with Rath.
I did, and he blew me off. Can we talk about it for a minute?
-Right now? -I'll make it worth your while.
Hey, there, Runkle. How's married life?
Ups and downs. Checks and bal, all good in the proverbial hood.
There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about.
-What's that, Stu? -I want to sleep with Marcy again.
Stu... what is wrong with you?
I don't know. My career is on fire.
This television thing has me shitting cash.
But without a queen, my castle is a-crumblin'.
I know you won her fair and square,
but I can't stop thinking about that magnificent creature.
You gotta move on, Stu, 'cause we are married. Again.
I know that. I respect that.
Marcy may very well be your soul mate,
but that woman was born to be my sex partner.
And I just miss her so much... So much!
Like, this last time, she let me go down on her,
and I wasn't able to get my helmet into that silky pond of hers.
She's so fucking tight, Charlie! She makes me feel huge.
-And I'm already huge. -I'm aware, Stu.
When was this that she let you go down on her again?
It was way before you two were remarried.
It was a sunny day in Venice... Tuesday...
Quite possibly my last happy day.
God, you guys must be boning every chance you can.
What is the point of this conversation, Stu?
You miss fucking Marcy. So what?
Runkle, I... have a proposal for you.
And, yes, it is quite indecent.
With your permission, and hers, of course,
I am willing to pay you guys a cool $1 million
if you will let me sleep with her again.
Just the once, for as many times as we can fit into a night.
Think about it.
-You made this worth my while. -I told you I would.
Your notes are fucking bullshit, but your weed is superb.
-You're funny. -I am funny.
Not like comedian funny, but I'm witty. That's my thing.
Nobody's really witty anymore.
That's right. Like Woody Allen or Pauly Shore. It's a lost art.
So what brings a real writer to "Santa Monica Cop"?
-I needed a job. -Look at you, all growed up.
What is a serious actress doing on "Santa Monica Cop"?
I needed a job too, but I'm not so keen on growing up.
Excuse me.
-I need to make a confession. -You're thinking impure thoughts.
-That's understandable. -No. I hate this show.
That's also understandable.
I had the option of taking this show or some BBC thing,
and my agent talked me into taking this one.
-That's a bummer. -A big bummer.
Can you please talk to Rath, see if maybe he can kill me off?
I promise... I'll make it worth your while.
My head is spinning with the possibilities.
As it should, but in the meantime, I have another little confession.
-You have three tits and a dick. -Almost.
One of my very best friends is Sasha Bingham.
-I know Sasha Bingham. -I know.
Sasha Bingham is the starbr/of "Fucking & Punching".
-She was, indeed. -We had some good times...
Except for the time when I accidentally fucked her mom.
She told me about that. She also said you give really great head.
-She did? That is so sweet of her. -I know. She's sweet.
-Will you give her my best? -Absolutely.
What do you think defines great head?
I guess you'd have to ask the head-getter.
I've had good head, but I don't know what makes it great.
I think you have to treat the "bagina" like a person.
And how do you treat a person? Like you yourself would want to be treated.
It just sounds so intellectual.
Isn't it important for a writer to show and not to tell?
Dear! You do make a valid point.
-Permission to come aboard? -Permission granted.
You're a very pleasant actress, very agreeable. I can do better.
-Hello! -Sorry.
-No! Hello! -Hi.
Amy Taylor Walsh. It is lovely to meet you.
-We're gonna be working together. -I'm a huge fan.
Me too. I'm a huge fan.
-Sorry about that. -It's none of my beeswax.
-What's going on? -Hashtag asked me to go for a ride.
-That's probably not a good idea. -Like going down on the female lead?
You should keep the flirtation with Hashtag to a minimum.
-He's fucking funny. -Rath is fucking jealous.
God, so much fuss over an actress who hasn't worked in 20 years.
You get the boys all hot and bothered.
I'm not interested in Rath or Hashtag or anyone.
I'm just really happy to have an acting job.
And I don't want to complicate my life.
-Like when we kissed. -I totally forgot about that.
You forgot that we kissed?
Of course I remember. And it was very nice.
It was nice. It was a familiar surprise.
It was a perfect storm of booze and nitrous.
I was very vulnerable in that chair. You took advantage of me.
You manipulated me with all these bullshit compliments
about what a great mother I am.
-You're a fantastic mother. -Don't do that.
Mother Teresa's got nothing on you.
You're probably a better kisser than she ever was, and...
Maybe she had a rocking bod underneath that saintly frock.
-You went down on a girl. -What if I brushed my teeth?
That's got to be a bit of a turn-on me offering to brush my teeth?
-Why did you go down on her? -It's a long story.
-But she heard I gave good head. -You do give good head.
-I don't even remember. -Fuck.
-What? -I think I'm hard.
-Is that from before or from us? -I can't differentiate.
But I think there's only one way to defuse this situation.
How?
Get that pussy mouth away from me!
No!
What the fuck?
I told you he likes to stick his pecker where it don't belong.
I decide whose pecker goes in here and whose doesn't.
And you're a very charming and funny guy,
but I'm not easily wooed, even with a Bentley.
-I got a Ferrari. -Rick, I enjoyed our date.
And I'm so grateful to you for giving me an acting job,
but if it comes with strings attached, then I cannot and will not do it.
No strings attached. The job is yours, Julia.
I'll think about it.
What you waiting for, Rath? Fire his fucking ass.
You don't tell me who to hire and who to fire.
-My character is the fucking show. -And who says it's your character?
-Nice. -You know I like her!
It was just a tickle fight. I swear to God, honestly.
Rath, you are not gonna like this. There's fucking in the pool.
Motherfuckers!
Nine bathrooms, and the asshole is got to screw in my pool?
Leon, I was very clear, no fucking in my pool.
What are you doing?
Nikki, I'm paying you very good money to be my date tonight.
I'm sorry. I wanted to make a little extra cash.
And honestly, he said that Hank would take care of it.
I told you I wasn't gonna lend you.
God, this is how young people get in trouble with credit cards.
-She's a hooker? You're a hooker? -Pretty much.
I get tested all the time, so we're good.
You lost your virginity to a hooker.
Not just. I mean...
Don't be upset, mom. She's really cool.
She the coolest. I think I'm in love.
-You're in love with a hooker? - Guys fall in love with me!
We never should've moved to L.A.
-Did you use a condom, honey? -Yes.
I should've been content having sex with her once and called it a day.
But I had to fly too close to the sun.
-This isn't the first time? -Here we go.
I can't lie to my moms. Don't blame Hank.
I've never felt better in my whole life.
I'm glad dad got me a hooker.
You got him a hooker?
It makes me think you don't think it's a very good idea.
Not a very good idea at all.
I'm sorry, Julia. I thought I was doing a good thing.
Don't worry. I'll smooth it out for you. I promise.
-You happy now, Rath? -Not now, Goldie.
-This is the ship that you run. -I'm captain of the "HMS Fucktard".
That's why I'm gonna take it out from underneath you.
Be my guest. Knock yourself out steering this ship of fools.
-I will. You tell him, Charlie. -Tell him what?
Tell him he's disrespected me for the last time.
-What Goldie means to say is... -Shut the fuck up now.
-Shutting the fuck up now. -You fucking pussy.
Soes your suit come with tampons?
See, that's funny, right? If it's funny, I laugh.
-You are actually fucking funny. -Am I actually fucking funny?
Fuck you, Hashtag!
-What is wrong with you? -You can't call me a bitch!
I didn't call you a bitch.
I simply said, "I don't take pitches from bitches".
That's a lot better. You tell him he can't talk to me like that.
I agree with everything he says.
My own wife, Marcy, when she talks at me,
the sheer volume of words it makes my ears bleed.
This bald motherfucker knows of which he speaks.
Thank you very much. I like that one.
-Excuse me. -What?
-You're fucking fired! -And you're batshit crazy.
Be nice to my agent.
Where the fuck you find these writers?
These are some seriously tweaked motherfuckers.
Riddle me this, Runks.
How can I be in the doghouse with a woman I'm not even dating,
and why do I care so much?
-Do you think you still have a job? -I don't know.
-You think Goldie still has a job? -My guess would be "Fuck, no."
-What's wrong, pickle lips? -I'm broke, Hank.
-You mean like "broke" broke? -Like totally and utterly broke.
"I don't know how I'm gonna pay the rent next month" broke.
Like the kind of broke that forces a man to do something desperate.
I'm not gonna give you 20%.
My next paycheck has to go to supporting my son's hooker habit.
-We're so fucking fucked. -But we've been fucked before...
In the ass, legs pinned behind our ears, not a drop of lube.
But we always come out smiling. You know why?
'Cause that's just the kind of happy-go-lucky sluts we are.
END OF EPISODE 6, SEASON VII