Fuck off.
Previously...
What's this big fan gonna do with me?
-I'm somebody's mother. -You're not mine.
-This is Chris. He's in yoga class. -Bye.
My dick isn't working. I can't make love to my wife.
You have another family!
The bottom has dropped out of our relationship!
I have a proposal for you. I want to sleep with Marcy again.
-What is wrong with you? -I don't know.
What the fuck?
I'm so grateful for giving me an acting job,
if it comes with strings attached I will not do it.
I'm broke, Hank.
The kind of broke that forces a man to do something desperate.
Nikki, I'm paying you good money to be my date.
I wanted to make extra cash. Hank would take care of it.
You got him a hooker? We never should've moved to L.A.
My God, that's so good. I love it when you you pull...
-You again? -Hello, Hank!
-What is this? -None of your business!
-Not sure that's entirely true. -What are you doing here?
-That's none of your business. -Okay, let's get out.
I came by to give you an ounce or two of satisfaction.
Julia found out about the hooker thing, she was most displeased.
-She slapped me, hard. -Good for her.
-I came by to give you this. -What is this?
I got paid, I thought you might need a little moolah.
I don't see you working much, you're working on your sketches
and playing with your little models...
-What are you doing? -You cannot buy my forgiveness.
Not trying to buy anything, I haven't done anything wrong!
-Could you leave, please? -I don't feel we've settled anything!
-There is nothing to settle. -The lady asked you to leave.
-Do not start with me, yoga man. -You are very rude.
I'm rude? I'm onto your shtick.
You prey on all these heartbroken, horny Westside women.
This Westside woman is not heartbroken.
I notice you didn't say "not horny". That's a sin of omission.
-Let's go. -Don't get handsy with me.
You need to leave.
Fuck, that hurt!
Yeah. That's right. That happened.
CALIFORNICATION Season VII, episode 7
-Did you get in a fight? -Shut up. Where's Levon?
-He called in sick today. -Rath?
-He's eating in his office. -Is that normal?
Only when he's seriously pissed off.
-Has he given you notes yet? -No, radio silence. Is that normal?
Happens to me all the time. Sometimes, he doesn't say anything
and then rewrites every word.
Maybe he just doesn't like your writing.
-No, he loves my writing. -Bullshit. He hates your writing.
-He says that out loud. -That's really mean, Alonzo.
It's not me saying it. I don't hate your writing.
I hate your writing.
-Sit and spin, Terry. -I like your writing, sweetie.
When you're not trying too hard to be cool. Which is a lot.
Stop looking at me like that.
-Page one rewrite. -Jesus, that bad?
I may not be happy with you right now, Hank,
but I'm too much of a professional to let that shit influence the read.
The writing's fine. Little smart-alecky, maybe,
like you're trying too hard to be cool like Hugh over there.
That is the meanest thing anybody's ever said to me.
Here's the problem: I got off the phone with Julia.
She doesn't want the part. We don't have time to recast.
This is a fucking thread-puller. Without her, the story falls apart,
so cancel your plans, 'cause we're staying in tonight.
Gang bang!
-Hi. -What are you doing here?
Came here to try and talk some sense into you.
You just don't want to rewrite your script.
-You enjoying the view, pal? -Behave yourself, Lou.
It's about me trying to prevent you from not chasing your dreams.
I don't want you to look back and have any regrets.
I have tons of regrets. I'm trying to minimize those regrets
by not being around you, or Rick Rath or Hashtag Black.
Nobody ever does anything decent for another person
without wanting something in return, especially a guy.
-Hello. What's all this? -It's Levon's dad.
So this is Levon's father.
There hasn't been a test yet, but I am proceeding as though I am.
Dr. Daniel Allen, DDS. You can call me Dr. Dan.
If I must. Nice to meet you, Dental Dan. Hank.
Let me handle this, Julia. Will you step into my office, Hank?
-I've been eager to meet you. -You have?
-Yes, I have. -Why?
Julia means a great deal to this office,
from what I gather, you are a threat to her happiness and well-being,
which is ultimately a threat to my happiness and well-being.
You have designs on her?
I don't know what you're insinuating.
You're one horny fuckin' dentist, Dr. Dan.
I am quite fond of her, if that's what you mean.
She's quite fond-able.
All right. You know, I...
I didn't want to be an astronaut when I grew up, Hank.
I didn't want to play for the Yankees.
Not me, I wanted to be a dentist,
and I wanted to marry a busty, blonde hygienist.
When Julia walked in my office that very first time,
I knew she was the one.
Is she aware of her role in your manifest destiny?
We haven't discussed it per se, but...
Chemistry is quite palpable.
We are very good for one another, we're a team.
Isn't that the very definition of a great relationship, teamwork?
I thought it was laughter, hot sex, and the occasional Dutch oven.
That's what my grandma always said.
Just please don't get her hopes up with this acting hoo-ha! It's cruel.
-I'm glad we had this talk. -Me too, Dr. Dan, me fuckin' too.
You do me a favor? Stay away from the office, okay?
We're all about preserving smiles, you know, "Miles of Smiles."
That's my motto. You got it?
-Yeah, I got it. -Okay.
-There you go. -Thank you very much.
-Krull? -How's it going, Churchill?
-What are you doing here? -What's it look like?
Why aren't you on the road with Atticus right now?
I've retired. I drove Hank back to see his lady,
and I found myself not wanting to turn around
and go back on the road with that nut case.
Been 'round the world too many times, too many lunatics.
Hank inspired me to look up the love of me own life.
Really? That's fantastic. How'd that work out for you?
Not so great. Turns out she's dead.
-Bummer. -How'd it work out for Hank?
Not so great, yeah. She's alive and everything,
but wasn't so keen on rekindling, it's a long story.
Time to relax. Time to work on me motorbikes and me memoirs.
-I bet you've seen some shit! -I've seen some shit all right.
The dirty life and times of a rock and roll butler.
-Who is it you've worked for? -Atticus, obviously.
Let's see, now. Bowie, Stones, Bad Company,
Hendrix, Paul McCartney, Ringo, Fleetwood Mac, the Eagles.
Pistols, Motorhead, Motley Crue, Clapton, Sabbath, Ozzy.
-That's gonna be some memoir! -It's a storied life, gov.
-Have you written any of it down? -Yeah, all of it, stacks of pages.
I don't think I'm much of a writer.
I'll be the judge of that. Are there some pages I could look at?
-Sure, I suppose. -Cool, let's go.
What, now? I'm bleedin' working.
There's no time like the present, Krull.
-What are you doing? -I don't know.
-Really needed a "me" day. -You did, did ya?
Mom's all pissed, she's talking about moving back to New York.
Thinks I've lost my morals. Doesn't realize I never had any.
I gotta convince her to do this, and when I say "I," I mean "we."
She thinks show business is all fucked up and corruptive.
She's right.
She doesn't even want me to work for the show.
She thinks you're a bad influence on me.
-I am. -It's cool, though.
If she decides to pack it up I'll just move in with you.
What?
I'll move in with you at Charlie's. How fucking cool would that be?
Here.
That Dr. Dan is a real fuckin' creeper.
I hate that fuckin' guy. He's always staring at mom's tits,
trying to be buddies with me, I call him Dr. Dick.
-Well played. -Mom gets real mad, though.
She says I have to respect my elders but that guy creeps me out.
-We gotta do something. -Yeah, we do, definitely.
Tomorrow's another day, right? This is cool, smoking weed with you.
-Get up, we gotta go. -What?
-You got a toothache. -I'm high as fuck right now.
That's why you called in sick today, the bad tooth.
-But he's so sad without you. -I know, Irma.
He let some c-list skank blow him. What was I supposed to do?
He's just a man. He makes stupid things.
You come back? You put perfect?
Marcy, is that you? Please tell me you're not a mirage!
What's the deal with the hookers, Stu?
You find out about that.
You sent one of them to me to get her snatch waxed.
I did put in a good word for you. I thought you could use the biz.
Thanks for your concern over my financial well-being,
but why are you banging hookers all of a sudden?
Well... I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone.
-You broke my heart. -You cheated on me.
Two very rough and toothy blowjobs, not silky like yours.
The orgasms were painful. Like cumming into a broken beer bottle.
I don't want to get into this shit with you.
-I have my needs. -I know, you're fucking insatiable.
You have got to get the toxins out, Marcy, somehow, some way.
It's the only thing that'll clear a man's head.
And so no muss, no fuss. It's a very honest transaction,
and it is an incredible business, they make so much money.
You're doing TV. It was a matter of time before you got in prostitution.
That is low and unfounded.
When is the last time you saw a good movie?
-This was a bad idea. -Wait.
Why have you come here? Something must have drawn you to me.
I had this crazy idea that I was gonna ask you for a loan,
but Charlie was right, no fucking way.
I don't do loans, Marcy. But I would pay you.
For what?
-To have sex with me? -Yeah.
-One million to be inside of you. -I'm not a prostitute!
I know, that's why you're such a high-value target.
You'd seriously pay one million to fuck me?
Yeah.
In a heartbeat.
It would be the most delicious orgasm of my life,
and all of the money would go to my favorite charity: you.
Jesus. I don't know whether to be flattered or throw the fuck up.
Maybe you could just let me smell you for a few minutes...
I could go pleasure myself. How much could I pay you for that?
You are a sad and desperate man, Stu.
I am. I fucked up!
The palace is crumbling without you, Marcy!
Marcy!
-Hello, Rhonda. -Levon. Honey, are you all right?
-I have a really bad toothache. -Yeah.
Real bad.
Have either of you been smoking marijuana?
How come it smells like a rock concert in here all of a sudden?
Go brush your teeth, your mother's gonna be furious.
Honey, what's wrong?
It seems like an impacted molar situation, but what do I know?
Are you sure you have a toothache?
Not really. Hank made me say it.
Asshole. Have you been smoking pot?
Yeah, I kinda needed a "me" day.
I understand.
Why are you so understanding of his flaws?
'Cause he's my son, and you're just an amoral prick.
I may be an unconventional parent,
and father does not always know best, but my heart is in the right place.
I see a problem, I try to fix it.
Levon was a virgin, that was bugging him. He's no longer a virgin.
I remedied that shit, but you, you're a bigger problem,
you're running away from your dream 'cause you're scared.
I'm not scared, no. I just don't like what's happened
and I don't want a job just 'cause some guy wants to fuck me.
Everybody wants to fuck you! That's your lot in life.
"Everybody wants to fuck me." You think this place is different?
-Dr. Dan has designs on you too! -No!
He wants to make you his busty, blonde hygienist bride.
-Ridiculous. -It's not ridiculous, Julia.
-Dr. Dan. Not you too. -You can't pretend you don't feel it.
-Feel what, exactly? -The flow of energy between us.
-I really love working for you. -Yes, but it's more than that.
It's the electricity that comes from knowing you've found your soul mate.
God, we never even went on a date.
I wasn't prepared for this to happen today,
but seems this moment wants to be seized.
So here in front of my patients and my staff,
I vow to provide you with the most wonderful life.
Happy wife, happy life.
You are not proposing to my mom right now. Don't you dare say yes.
Julia, let me ease your burden.
Being a single mother has taken its toll on you,
and it's robbed you of your youth, if not your beauty.
I know Levon, he presents a great many challenges,
but in time I can learn to love him as if he were my own.
He's already got someone learning to do that, this guy!
I have a father, he's not a creeper!
Watch your language, son.
I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my home!
I don't blame you, though.
It's obvious you just need a positive male role model.
Levon!
You chubby, little fuckin' asshole!
Hey, don't talk to my son like...
My tooth! You broke my fuckin' tooth!
-You're a goddamn animal! -That's right, motha-fucka!
I still got it.
Look what I found.
Julia! Have you had a change of heart?
I'm in, I'm all in.
Music to my ears. Gang bang averted, kids.
I love gang bangs.
I had some notes on the script, some thoughts about my character.
-Thank you very much, Hank. -It was the least I could do.
Maybe I was withholding a bit about the writing. You did a good job.
-Not like Hugh? -Not like Hugh.
Thank goodness.
Don't forget what we talked about.
Levon was a big help today. I couldn't have done it without him.
Maybe he could audition for a small part at some point.
-Just read for it. -What do you think?
-Didn't you call in sick today? -He needed a "me" day.
-And you fucked in my pool. -I am really sorry about that.
It was kind of a bucket list thing.
You can read for something. At some point, maybe.
-Say thank you. -Thank you so much.
-You will not regret it, sir. -Don't mention it. Welcome back.
I'm confused if this was the same day as that or a different time.
Marcy. You remember Krull, right?
-'Ello, missus. -What is he doing here?
Why are you being so rude to a guest in our home?
Because the last time this guest was in our home,
he asked me to give him suction.
It wasn't exactly our home at that time, if you recall.
Yeah, and Atticus was eating a chocolate bar out your front bottom.
-Jesus. -Well, he was, actually, Marcy.
Charlie, I need to speak with you for a moment.
-Won't you please excuse us? -Be right back, Krull.
-We're having a business meeting. -I know.
What if I told you I know how we can
get out from under our current financial crisis?
I do too! Krull has a memoir. He has the most incredible stories.
He's been a rock and roll butler! I can sell that shit!
-For how much? -Probably not so much.
But for something, you know?
Something enough to put us back on the road to Wellville.
What if I told you I know how we could make a million dollars?
-You been talking to Stu. -How did you know?
-He made me the same offer. -Why didn't you tell me?
Because it's disgusting, Marcy! And crazy, and not at all
how human beings are supposed to behave!
If a client gets an offer, you fucking bring it to them!
I'm not your fucking pimp.
I was pissed when he first told me about it, okay?
But when I was driving home, I started to think about it,
and I thought, what is the big fucking deal,
I fucked that guy, like, 1,000 times.
You're not supposed to do it again! It's against human nature.
Why?
What if you enjoy it?
I probably will, to some extent,
but I don't love him, Charlie, I love you.
I don't think I ever loved Stu. I liked being loved by him,
and it felt good after all the stupid shit that we've been through,
and if the guy wants to stick it in me for a million bucks,
and that million bucks keeps us afloat for years to come,
what is the big fucking deal?
I guess when you put it like that...
-Are you... -I am!
Why?
I guess it's all this talk of illicit sex, or something.
-Okay, come on, let's go. -Where?
To Fucky Town. Come on!
We're talking about you fucking another guy for money.
Ours is not to reason why, ours is to take advantage
of that hard thing and fuck it, come here.
Not too fast. Okay. Yes! Baby!
No.
-This is so fucked up. -Yeah. But it's kinda hot, though.
I'll say.
-Come on. -Not in front of your mother.
I'm going to bed. I'm baked. Good night, mom.
-Good night, baby. -Good night, dad.
-We're kissing now? Whatevs. -Love you guys.
Love you, baby.
-Look at him. He's so happy. -Why wouldn't he be happy?
His mom is happy, Dr. Dick is out of the pic.
He's stoned. Order has been restored to his universe.
Thanks for never taking no for an answer.
It's what I do. I should go.
-Don't go. -Why not?
You've ingested enough whiskey and weed to stun a horse.
That is true, there's that.
You were right.
I'm always right. What was I right about?
I'm scared, but I'm not scared about acting or not acting.
I'm scared about having feelings for you again.
'Cause he's so happy having you in his life,
and seeing him happy makes me happy.
It just reminds me of a time before everything got so serious.
You're just as funny and cute as you ever were.
I know. It's really unfair to be this charming, isn't it?
I'm like a bioterrorist of love.
-Or not. -Shut up.
I'm gonna shut up.
-You know what this calls for? -What?
-Tickle fight! -No! Not that, no!
I'm too ticklish! Stop it!
Your tits are too big, I can't get to your armpits, they're blocked!
Oh, my God! Stop it!
That's so weird!
Didn't we say that was a bad idea and we shouldn't do that again?
-Yeah. -I'm gonna take a cab.
I'm sorry, but I'm not taking no for an answer.
END OF EPISODE 7, SEASON VII