Previously...
He's all about the drama, I'm all about the fucking fun.
-I'm not that funny. -Yeah, but you's fucking witty...
-Damn. Who's that piece ass? -That would be Julia.
Is it cool if I pursue her? You're not looking to rekindle?
-Not at all. -Why not?
-It's a terrible idea. -A terrible idea.
I don't like my character.
You're very pleasant, very real.
I can do better.
I want to sleep with Marcy again, with your permission and hers.
I am willing to pay you guys a cool $1 million
if you will let me sleep with her again.
Think about it.
He could audition for a small part?
-You can read for something. -Awesome.
-I want to talk about Becca. -That's why I'm ducking you.
When are you gonna tell her about Levon?
Don't give up on me, okay? I'm still me. We're still us.
CALIFORNICATION Season VII, episode 8
I got it. I fucking got it. How about I just kiss the bitch?
What did you say?
What if I just grabbed her face, went in for a slow kiss,
and just made out with her?
I'm calling my agent, 'cause this is bullshit.
-Let's be bold up in this bitch. -What does that even mean?
I'm not up on the rules of television,
but I think the idea is to milk the sexual tension as long as possible.
Let's milk the sexual tension!
-Fuck that. Let's change that rule. -I'd have to run that by Rath.
Where's that motherfucker? He's never even here.
He sits up in his ivory tower, pulling strings, just like,
"Dance for me, motherfucker!"
-Tell him I am not his bojangles. -He's got a zillion things to do.
He thinks the set is a time-waster, and I'm beginning to see his point.
What if I kiss this bitch, make her jealous, and they start fighting ?
-Can you stop calling us bitches? -Yeah.
I'm sorry, I got love for both of you, but it's the way I express myself.
You got to let me be free with my language.
That's what makes me the Bruce Lee of comedy!
Herr Director, care to weigh in with your expert opinion?
Hashtag has a point. Network television is on its deathbed.
Goethe said it best. Let's be bold, mighty forces will come to our aid.
What do you think?
I don't know who this bitch "Berta" is, but I like the way she thinks.
You should talk to Rath.
Half hour, everybody.
-You think this is a good idea? -It's a terrible idea.
He terrifies me, Hank, but I got to keep him on my side,
or it's gonna be a long season.
-You're fucking useless. -Or am I a strategic thinker?
-Useless. -Just go talk to Rath.
We'll do it as scripted. Sometimes you got to indulge the children.
You're not gonna make me kiss that lunatic, are you?
-Not if I can help it. -Thank God...
I can think of somebody else I'd be kissing.
-The director? -God. Did I tell you?
-He texted me a picture of his penis. -How'd you respond?
I texted "Where's the rest of it?" He hasn't give me a note since.
Amy Taylor Walsh, kicking ass and taking names.
-That's right, motherfucker. -Yeah, motherfucker.
Speaking of notes... Do you want to come to my trailer and discuss?
I'm trying to be a good boy, to keep my head on straight.
-Where's the fun in that? -No, it's fun at all.
But I'm not a "funster". I'm trying to be a producer.
Of course. I do need some help producing something in my trailer.
I've got to talk to Rath before we shoot the scene,
and I don't want a boner while I'm doing that.
Come by afterwards. There's a few lines that need sharpening.
It's more than a few.
We do what we can in the time we have, and if we're lucky,
we have some good old dirty fun while we're at it.
-You make it sound so honorable. -You know where to find me.
-Not a good idea, my friend. -What?
That woman is a man-eater. The stories are legendary.
I am staying strong, like bull.
You start fucking the actresses, the show is gonna go down in flames.
-I've been there, a couple of times. -I believe you.
-Fun memories, though. -Okay.
Back to earth, where Hashtag wants me to rewrite the scene.
-Fuck that! -That's what I said, in my head.
You're producing the episode!
If they want to do something stupid, you tell them no.
-It sounds simple when you say it. -Let me ask you something.
How do I get back in Julia's good graces?
I think maybe you just got to let it go for a while.
-Wait until we wrap or get canceled. -She haunts my dreams.
-Has she said anything about me? -No, not really.
-No. -You're not sniffing around there!
I would understand the temptation if you were.
You have the kid in common. You both have private parts.
Fuck, I got to go.
What could be more fascinating and important than this?
I am sitting down with Eddie Nero. The network's wants stunt casting.
-Give that pansexual loon my best. -I will.
-He took a man in his mouth. -Really?
Yeah, it was research for a part.
He engineered that orgasm with hands and feet.
-Can't wait. -Yeah.
Stay strong, Hank. These are the times that try a man's soul.
Hi. Let me guess, Rath? Lovely.
Gets my juices flowing. How about...
I guess so. You're not buttering me up for notes, are you?
I do have one note. Shut up and fuck me.
You really have caught the boning bug, haven't you?
Do you have a problem with single moms being sexual?
I encourage single moms to be highly sexual.
I wouldn't want Levon to find out about it.
-I don't want to get his hopes up. -Stay in the moment!
My God!
Mom! Is Hank in there?
Fucking cock-blocker strikes again.
Hey, buddy.
-What's going on? -What?
-You guys been messing around? -What?
Why would you ask that? Why would you think that?
-That is a weird fucking question? -No, it's not.
-It's fucked up. -The energy feels all weird in here.
And your makeup's screwy. You look like a homeless hooker.
I have a few questions about the scene.
-Can I help you? -I need to talk to you.
-Let's talk. I think we're good? -I need to fix up my makeup.
All right, and you?
Come back!
I'm about to do my audition. Can you be in the room when I do it?
I don't have time for that shit.
The casting director hates me. She thinks it's just a favor.
-It is just a favor. -I know.
But you can tell Rath you saw me and I was fucking awesome.
I'm worried that she'll tell him I suck, and he'll never see it.
Five minutes, that's all I ask.
-Hashtag's looking for you. -Fuck, where is he?
-Around here somewhere. -Tell him I'm on set.
-Wait. That's a lie. -It's not the fucking boy scouts.
-You don't need to sit in on this. -Let's get this party started.
-Ready, Levon? -Sure.
-Should I sit or stand? -Totally up to you, hon.
-Relax. You're sweating like a pig. -I'm really fucking nervous.
No, I don't know if that's gonna help with the sweating.
Man down.
-I am so sorry. -Don't worry about it. You all right?
Thank you. Okay, it's just...
-Levon, leave it. -Great.
-Sorry. -No, not to worry. Have a seat.
Slate for the camera.
Hello. I'm Levon Moody...
Represented by Charles Runkle, the Runkle Agency.
I'm reading for the part of the kid. And I'm okay with nudity.
-No nudity required. -I know, but I'm okay with it.
-Okay, you ready? -Yes, I am.
Is your father home?
-Who wants to know? -Danko Jones. Get your old man.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
I am so sorry. I have a really nervous tummy.
-Can I do that again? -I think we got it.
-He's coming up the stairs. -Fuck!
-That was great, kid. -It stinks in here.
It would have been better without that one-cheek sneak.
-You do not have to apologize. -I got to wait for Hashtag.
-Sit down. You want a water? -Sure. I'm a little parched.
-Here you go. -Thank you.
You kind of feel it, don't you?
-What? -The us of it all.
-That! -So much tension!
Ever since you started working here it has gotten to be so much more fun.
-Like, exponentially more fun. -I try to be additive.
It's nice to have some real male energy around here.
Rath... he's cool. He's great, but he's just so closed off.
I do find him emotionally unavailable.
And you don't know what it's like to sit next to Hugh.
It's excruciating.
I just want you to know that I am into it... If you are.
-Into what exactly? -An interoffice romance...
Let's not, and pleasure ourselves to the thought that we did.
-A little naughty. -I took the sexual harassment seminar.
Or I bribed Hugh to take it... With a sprinkles gift card.
I don't think that my handsome ten inches is worth the trouble.
A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
-It doesn't really make sense. -I am making you flustered!
-Aren't I? -Yes, you are.
Come on, it would be so fun! And it's not love or anything.
But you are definitely the hottest guy in the room.
That's not really saying much, is it?
It's safe to say that I'm the hottest girl in the room.
You are... except for Terry, of course.
-What is the deal with him? -Yeah, I'm not really sure.
Everyone says one thing, and then he says anoth...
-Hank, your manager's here. -Awesome.
-You think about it, Hank. -I will, "Jarde".
-Think about what? -None of your business, Hugh.
Close the door!
-Jade's pretty cute! -Totes.
I'm trying to get the nerve to ask her out.
-You should do that right now. -You think I have a shot?
She is totally warm for your pear-shaped form. Trust.
What are you doing here?
I came to support my most important client
as he produces his very first episode of television.
I don't have time to babysit your pale, pockmarked ass right now.
-I kind of need to talk to you. -Of course it's about you.
-I'm in a bad way, Hank. -With the uncooperative ween?
No, that's working pretty well now.
-That's great! Right? -Not exactly.
I don't have all day. I got to meet Karen for a drink later on.
A drink with Karen... what's that all about?
I don't feel like I can make the right move to save my life,
-And she centers me. -I could use some centering myself.
All right, buddy, out with it. What is it?
Stu has offered me a million dollars to let him fuck Marcy again.
That is fucked up, Charlie. You're not gonna do it, are you?
I don't know yet. Marcy really wants the money.
We could really use the cash.
I would never be okay with somebody fucking Karen for a million dollars.
I had to put up with Bates banging her for that whole time.
Who knows what nasty shit is swimming around that guy's urethra?
-Back to me, okay? -Sure. What?
Every single time we discuss it,
we get incredibly turned on and end up fucking.
-What is wrong with you two? -I don't know.
That deep down, you don't believe that you deserve to be happy.
You got to tell your dick that it's okay to live happily ever after.
-Speak of the fucking devil. -The handsome devil.
-How's going on the stage? -It's a fucking nightmare, Stu.
-Care to lend a hand? -God, no.
I'm what they call a "hands-off executive producer".
-Except when it comes to the money. -Of course.
I'm gonna be putting a clock on that offer I made you, Charlie.
We know all about your indecent proposal, Stu.
I think it is very decent...
My man, butterbean!
-Champion! -Jesus! Are you out of your mind?
-You insulted my man's pride. -I made a very generous offer.
I think it speaks to the depth of my feelings for Marcy
that the offer still stands,
in spite of this completely unwarranted aggression.
-Hashtag's looking for you, Hank. -What does that asshole want now?
He's standing right behind me?
-I thought we was friends, Moody. -We are, Hashtag.
I'm in such a frenzy here,
and this bitch is running off the rails as we speak.
Come on, walk with me.
-What is up with that motherfucker? -Which one?
The one whose gender confuses me.
-Terry, yep. -Yeah, Terry.
-What's the deal with that lady-dude? -I haven't been able to get an answer.
-You smoke weed? -I most certainly do.
-Smoke with me. Vaporizer. -I will.
-You think I got what it takes? -What it takes?
-Yeah, to handle superstardom. -You're as cool as they come.
I present myself that way, but I don't know.
I want to go back to the clubs, make motherfuckers laugh their asses off.
Sometimes I want to go back to my childhood bedroom
and write a short story and then pleasure myself
to my trusty old copy of "Penthouse Letters".
If this shit flops, right, my face is on every billboard.
That's why I'm so particular about my shit.
I understand. I wouldn't steer you wrong, Hashtag.
-What you think about Amy? -Very talented.
She's a good actor. I'm saying, she's crazy hot!
Write me a scene where we're just making out.
If the show get canceled, at least I'll have that.
I could do that for you, but I think the third episode is too soon.
-I trust you. -You're not into Julia?
It's too complicated. You got a kid with her. Rath digs her.
I'm not trying to have a project on my hands.
Copy that, motherfucker.
I feel like we connected on a human level.
Me too.
-I really respect your writing. -Thank you.
-I really respect your taste in weed. -We can smoke anytime.
Boys!
Y'all got some pitches for me?
We got a phone book full of funny shit, brother.
We're shitting jokes on the walk over here, boy.
Shit them jokes! Fuck exposition, right?
-What are you talking about? -I had them rewrite the scene.
-Punch it up, make it funny. -The one I wrote?
You didn't want to rewrite it, so I had these boys make it funny.
-You're not a comedy writer. -But I'm witty, right?
-Sorry, Moody. -I still love you, Moody.
Amy Taylor Walsh wants to see you... in her trailer.
-Lovely. -Do you want me to chaperone?
-I have experience with weirdoes. -That is a kind offer, Terry...
But, no, thank you. But can I ask you something?
-Yes. -Never mind. Forget it.
Come in!
Just wanted your thoughts on my wardrobe.
-What do you think? -I think it looks great.
-Is there another option? -Nope.
I really wanted you to see me in my lacy underthings.
Mission accomplished, and thank you for that.
You're welcome. I do need to fix something.
-What is that? -This.
-There, done. -What exactly did you fix?
I didn't think it was right
that you'd gone down on me, and we hadn't even kissed yet.
That does seem a little improper. Absolutely right.
Yeah, very.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here
and suggest that perhaps this is not the best of ideas.
Why is that?
Because these are the times that try men's souls.
-Is that what I'm doing? -Yeah.
-Am I trying your soul? -Among other things.
-Are you high? -A little bit more than I'd like to be.
Who'd you get high with?
Amy Taylor Walsh!
-What the fuck is this shit? -You can't come busting here!
-Lock the fucking door! -I wasn't expecting any visitors.
I'm number one on the call sheet!
I don't give a shit, I'm not gonna fuck you, Hashtag.
Well, you making a mistake, 'cause bitches love me!
Go fuck an extra! That's what they're for. Get out!
Bullshit!
Can you believe how unprofessional some people are?
-So unprofessional. -So crazy.
I can't believe this, man. After the talk we had? This is bullshit.
Get out.
-They're ready on set. -Let's make some television!
-Are you on your way? -Yeah, I'm on my way.
-How about you? -I will be very shortly.
We got to rehearse this scene. 30 minutes or less.
I don't want to wait for what already promises
to be a pretty unpleasant conversation.
Why you got to be like that? I'm looking forward to this. Thank you.
It's okay. I just want to talk about how and when you plan
to tell Becca about all the shiny, new people in your life,
and then I want to go home.
-Deal? -Deal.
But I just got to see you smile before you go home, okay?
-I can't make any promises. -I wouldn't want it any other way.
-I thought you could use this. -Thanks, kid, you read my mind.
How did I do? Was I any good?
I don't really remember it, except for the fart,
which was good solid fart.
-It was embarrassing, though. -It was memorable.
Eddie Nero is a fucking psycho.
He wouldn't stop talking about you and taking a man in his mouth.
I think what he really wants is to take you in his mouth.
-It's always nice to be wanted. -Yeah. How's it going?
-Not great. -Are you stoned?
Not as much as I'd like to be.
-And action. -Freeze!
-You got the right to remain sexy. -Come on!
And anything you say will be held against me.
One time, do it like the script.
The kisses that's coming out of my mouth?
What the fuck is this? Cut!
Who the hell is yelling "Cut"...
I call "Cut" when I see the inmates running the fucking asylum!
I think Hashtag is working some shit through his system,
And we're gonna circle back and get it all. It's gonna be fine.
You have to babysit them, or they're gonna rollerblade all over you.
Moody's he's sticking his pecker in all the female actresses!
Let's not rehash ancient history. That was weeks ago.
-Let's deal with this. -It was 5 minutes ago!
I caught him macking on Amy Taylor Walsh.
-What the fuck did I tell you? -You were macking on her?
-What does "macking" mean? -Making out.
You were macking on her when you were inside of me?
-You were inside her? -That didn't happen.
May I suggest a sidebar?
I never should have hired you.
You are a fucking toddler with a toxic personality.
Does this mean you are getting back together? Greatest love story.
I'm playing second fiddle to a guest star?
-That's not very nice. -I'm not trying to be a bitch.
Time-out! What's the rules? She said "bitch." I can't say "bitch"?
Nobody's talking to you! A woman can say it. Exactly.
I'm sorry. I'm feeling slightly used.
I know the feeling.
-Where's your sense of honor? -He has no honor and no shame!
You want that stink finger? 'Cause I'll give it to you!
Take your fucking stink fingers and get the fuck off my set,
before you give somebody pinkeye!
You want to fire someone, you got to go through me.
-I'm an executive producer. -In name only.
-Can I fire him? -No!
You're lucky I live to shoot.
Rath, it's complicated.
I asked you, "Are you okay with me pursuing her?"
You said you were, right? Then you move in on her?
I didn't move in on her. But it's like you said, we share a kid.
We both have private parts. Shit happens.
I'm not gonna apologize. It's none of your business who she fucks.
'Cause it's up to her. She doesn't exist to service us.
I want to be mad at you, but then you're so sweet!
I know. What a fucking asshole.
Back to work! Let's do the fucking scene!
If there is a comma out of place, we stay all night until we get it!
It's Rick Rath's finishing school for assholes,
where the script is innocent until proven guilty!
Karen, I am so sorry. I'm on my way.
-Hank, it's Marcy. -What you doing with Karen's phone?
And what's this I hear about you fucking Stu for money?
I got to try to get through this without crying.
I'm at the hospital. Karen was in a car accident.
END OF EPISODE 8, SEASON VII