Previously...
-You'd pay... -A million dollars to be inside you.
That is fucked up. You're not gonna do it, are you?
I don't know yet. We could use the cash.
-I'm on my way. How about you? -I will be. 30 minutes or less.
Don't want to wait for what promises to be an unpleasant conversation.
I got to see you smile, before you go home. One time?
I can't make any promises.
A drink with Karen?
I don't feel like I can make the right move, she centers me.
Hank, I got to try to get through this without crying.
I'm at the hospital. Karen was in a car accident.
CALIFORNICATION Season VII, episode 9
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why couldn't I have been on time?
-Don't blame yourself, Hanky. -She was going to meet me.
The guy was drunk. It could have happened anytime, anyplace.
I've driven around Venice fucked up! It could've been me behind the wheel.
Yeah, maybe so. But that shit doesn't matter now.
-She's gonna be okay. -You don't know that.
-How is she? -Some drunk broadsided her.
She got pretty knocked around. She's in and out of consciousness.
-There might be internal bleeding. -What can I do?
-You can stop crying, for one. -I can do that.
I'm doing that... Right now.
You maybe could donate some blood. She may need some.
Is there something else... I can do?
I've been known to get a bit woozy when it comes to the giving of blood.
Maybe I won't be the right type.
-I'm not a fucking pincushion! -I didn't go in yet.
Really? You got to be kidding me.
It seemed like I felt every inch of that thing going in.
Now it's going in.
-You're a sensitive one, ain't ya? -He's a ninny, is what he is.
Woman was a fucking butcher.
How are you doing, buddy? You hanging in there?
'Cause I'm here to help.
I feel a little woozy, though.
-You know, fuck this! -What are you doing?
Why are you being such an asshole?
I'm trying to be the opposite of an asshole.
You're not doing a good job.
You're the one who brought it up, about me being an asshole.
You're making it so obvious that you don't want to go.
How can you tell? Is it because I've said it out loud many times?
-Yet here I am. -Don't do me any favors, okay?
-It's our entire future at stake. -With the drama...
I've had to reschedule this appointment...
How many times I've put my fist through a wall about it...
I lost count. But you could ask Becca.
-Bring Becca into it. -Why shouldn't I?
Isn't she the most important part of all this?
Don't fuck with my shit, woman.
-Have I always been such an asshole? -Different varieties of asshole.
Some more pernicious than others.
What the fuck happened to us?
-What do you mean? -We were always... we were so great.
We'd go out to dinner every other night.
I could've sworn we were gonna grow old together.
And now look at us.
-We're still together. -Yeah, you guys are really together.
You're contemplating letting the love of your life fuck some other guy.
Marcy's her own woman. I can't tell her what to do.
You can fight against that shit.
Why did you tell him about Stu's offer? Is nothing private, Runkle?
He's my best friend. I needed his counsel.
You didn't tell Karen?
No! She would totally frown upon that shit.
She would, because she's a sane and responsible adult.
She had a way of centering us. She was the best thing
that happened to me, and I fucked it up again and again.
No, it's true, Marcy. Instead of celebrating the fact
that I was the luckiest guy on earth...
I pushed her away, figuring there'd be time to work it out.
-There is time. -What if we ran out of time?
Can't go through with this Stu thing. You'll never get over it.
There's some things you should never get over.
-That him? -Hank.
-Hank, what? It's a simple question. -Save it for in there.
Can't believe I let you talk me into humiliating myself like this.
-Hey, guys. Welcome. -Hi.
Let's dive in, shall we? What brings you to me?
-She's having an affair. -Diving right in, indeed.
We're here to cut the bullshit, get right to the heart of the matter?
-That's not the heart of the matter. -It's the heart of the matter to me.
-It's the heart of my matter. -Karen's right.
Why did I know that you were gonna side with her?
No sides here.
I'm suggesting that affairs are a symptom of a larger problem.
It seems like a pretty big fucking problem in and of itself to me.
So let's hear from Karen. Are you having an affair, Karen?
-I wouldn't call it that. -How would you describe it?
-He's a friend. -An emotional friend?
-I suppose. -Holy shit. An emotional friend?
I want one. Where do I get an emotional friend?
You had one.
-Have you made love with him? -No.
But you've considered it?
-Yeah. -I'm gonna punch a wall.
What's the sex like between you?
-Infrequent. -Nonexistent.
Why do you think Karen has developed an emotional bond with another man?
The guy in question is... Bill his name is... fucking dial tone.
He thinks she's hot, and he wants to fuck her.
He pretends, so he can get into her knickers, which works, trust me.
It's hard to have a meaningful conversation
with someone who drinks himself into a stupor every night.
-Are you a big drinker? -Is this an intervention?
You consider yourself an alcoholic?
I thought we'd to talk about her emotional friend?
We're talking about me.
What are you willing to change about yourself?
Why is this all about me?
You seem the most defensive at the moment.
-Don't smirk. It's unbecoming. -You know what's really unbecoming?
We don't talk anymore, the fact that you bury yourself in your work,
and you go out every night, drinking and flirting.
You come home totally wasted. You never see your daughter.
-I have a movie in production. -So what?
Some significant others would be proud of that.
I'm proud of that.
You show it by finding an emotional friend.
You seem to want to take advantage of your newfound station in life,
and you resent having a ball and chain at home.
I don't speak like that. I've never put it that way.
Do I cross paths with attractive women? Yes.
Do I flirt with them? I suppose. Do I want to fuck them? Yes!
-Welcome to the world of being a guy! -Why is it a guy thing?
But I don't try to make them emotional friends or considering
fucking them all day long, actually.
That is so gross. I want to punch myself in the dick,
but I'm not going to, that would be inappropriate.
It's only a dollar, man! I'll give you another one.
Knock it off. You know, try again. You don't even have to pay me back.
-I don't know what came over me. -It's okay, I get it.
I've done it myself many times. Maybe not so much swearing.
-Are you waiting on some news? -Yeah. You?
Yeah, man. You bet. My wife, she's in surgery... cancer.
We've seen the inside of this place a lot the last couple of years.
I'm sorry. My lady's back there, too, somewhere.
Waiting is the hardest part. Truer words have never been spoken or sung.
-How long you been married? -Not married.
Just together on and off forever.
We weren't on the best of terms when this happened.
I've been married 44 years. You're not always on the best of terms.
44 years. Well done, sir.
It takes time. But once you get on the other side of all the bullshit,
you realize that this is what it's all about all along,
having a friend to hold your hand while life kicks you in the ass
and reminds you that that body is just on loan.
Sometimes you see things clearly, and then it gets cloudy again.
That's life, kid. If it was easy, we wouldn't never fuck up.
We wouldn't have any regrets, we'd have perfect kids,
and we'd spend every day being happy.
You know anybody like that? No, 'cause I sure the hell don't.
Take it easy on this thing.
-A boy called me "weird" today. -You are weird.
-Bad weird? -Beautiful weird.
I will totally kick that boy's butt if you want me to.
-No. He's kind of cute. -Gross.
You are way too young to say such things.
It seems like boys and girls make the world go around.
Not only are you beautiful weird, but you're also wicked smart.
I've made a decent living writing about boys and girls.
-Speaking of boys and girls... -Yes?
-You and mom going to get a divorce? -We're not even married.
-You know what I mean. -I do. Not if I can help it.
You can help it. By not fighting so much.
-I'm sorry. -But it's weird.
Other times you guys seem like you love each other, like in the movies.
-It's not like in the movies. -What about TV?
No, not TV or movies.
Mommies and daddies have their work cut out for them.
-I don't see why it's so hard. -I'm glad you don't.
You got plenty of time to learn that lesson.
I don't understand why you guys get so mad at each other.
How many times are you going to punch the wall?
I'm not going to do that anymore.
-You promise? -I promise.
You know why else? 'Cause it really hurts.
-Race you home? -Race you home.
-Poor Hanky. -This puts it all in perspective!
How do you mean?
We've been obsessed with all the wrong stuff.
The only thing that matters is that you're healthy,
you're okay, and you're right here next to me right now.
You're right, Runks, but we got to go home sometime,
and we're still gonna need money.
There has got to be a better way. And we'll find it, I promise.
Okay. Yeah.
This kind of thing does put everything into perspective.
Why do we make such a big deal out of sex?
If that was you in there now, I wouldn't give a shit
if you spanked your secretary or fucked the nanny.
It all just melts away. I only care that you're okay.
-Do you know what I mean? -Yeah.
If I had been more understanding that you got serious kink in you,
we never would have fallen down this rabbit hole.
I should have been able to control myself.
Like it or not, it's just the way we're wired.
If some hot, young thing asks you to spank her,
you're gonna get a boner, you're gonna fucking jerk off to it.
It is just the law of the jungle.
I hate that you're making so much sense right now.
I know. It's so annoying, right? I mean, like, if Stu texted me
a picture of his ween right now, I'd probably get a little wet.
-That is purely out of reflex. -I didn't need that, Marcy.
But it's true, right? We all have things that trigger our arousal,
if we just acknowledge them as normal and not deny them,
then we could just move the fuck on with our lives!
Jesus, Runkle.
Look alive, Runks.
That was a positive experience. I feel good about our relationship.
Says the guy who put his fist through a wall.
-Do not be changing my shit. -Don't be such a child.
-Don't be such a fucking nag! -Don't put me in that box, okay?
Because you refuse to grow up, it does not turn me into a nag.
You're so selfish. Everything revolves around you!
It's all about what you will do, what you won't do.
This is your life, and we're supporting characters in it.
Look who's giving the performance of a lifetime now.
I don't want to do this anymore. It's so miserable.
Fuck me.
-You okay? -I'm fine.
-Sorry about that. -Me too.
-We could've died back there, Karen. -Pretty much.
'Cause of your taste in music.
We weren't fighting over music.
I know, but it all just seems so silly now... All of it.
-I know. -Where did we go wrong?
We were perfect once. I would swear to that.
We've been in it a while. We have a child. We're not special.
Your brain wants to make us into some love story of the ages.
-'Cause we are. -Maybe.
But we still need to work at it, just like the rest of the world.
It's not gonna figure itself out.
We need to... It's been a long time since it was just about fiery sex.
It was never just about fiery sex, Karen.
-The sex was pretty fiery, though! -I don't want to talk about sex.
I kind of do. Isn't that what we're talking about, is a compromise?
-Shut up. -And kiss you? Done.
Help.
-Hello. -Hi... Sister?
-What brings you in? -My wife was in a car accident.
I'm very sorry. Is she going to be okay?
Don't know... now.
Are you a religious person?
Not really, which is weird, because I often dream
about being in a place like this, but in real life, not so much.
Is there anything I can do for you? Would you like to talk?
I'm good. I was just kind of looking for a new place to sit and wait.
-Are you of any particular faith? -I'm a writer.
I believe in sitting down, shutting my eyes, hoping for the best.
But beyond that, not really, no.
Sounds like a pretty good definition of prayer to me.
I don't think the man upstairs would be too interested in hearing from me.
-I've been a wayward son. -Everyone says that.
I'm a blasphemous mess.
If there's a top ten most unwanted list up there, I could be on it.
Maybe so. Right now you seem like a man who loves his wife.
I do. I really do. And...
We're not even married. We live in sin.
We had a child together, broke up, got back together, broke up,
lather, rinse, repeat, you know.
-You really are a wayward son. -I told you.
You're very pleasant, Sister... Very agreeable.
Sit. Close your eyes. Hope for the best.
That's what I'm talking about. We just made the fuck.
No, I'm gonna amend that. I'm gonna go out on a limb
and say we made some love, you know how I hate that phrase.
We made that shit right here in our own little private Idaho.
-Of sin and sex juices and... -Okay, are you finished?
I could go on for hours. I've just started.
-Do you think it's possible? -To go again? Give me five minutes...
Four. No, actually, I'm ready to go now.
Do you think it's possible, happily ever after?
Yeah, baby. Just think.
Bottle this feeling and bust it out every time things get cloudy.
'Cause that really works, right? Couples who have great sex,
they always make it to the finish line.
-Do they? -We're gonna make it, Karen.
-How do you know? -'Cause I love you to death.
-Really? -I'm sure of that.
I love you too.
Come here.
-You ready? -Yes.
-Excuse me, Doctor. -Yeah, in a minute.
She has a concussion. But there's no internal bleeding.
She'll be here for a couple days, but she's a very lucky girl.
Oh, my God. Thank God.
-Can we see her? -One of you can go back.
Are you the husband?
Yes, he's the fucking husband. Go see your fucking wife.
This way.
Oh, my God. Honey.
-No. Not here. -Not here? Okay.
This doesn't change anything.
-I'm still pissed at you. -I wouldn't have it any other way.
Finally.
-I interviewed a new assistant today. -What was wrong with the old one?
-They caught him looking at porn. -Is that a crime now?
Maybe they were afraid he was beating off at work...
That's foul. Save that shit for the shower.
I do not like to stand up and masturbate.
Looking down, seeing my belly, takes me out of the game.
Seeing your underbelly would take me out of the game too.
It's understandable.
Yet, I love to sit down when I pee. What do you think about that?
-Guy or girl assistant? -Girl.
She's got funky hair, and tattoos all over.
Don't go dipping your helmet into that shit. I'll bite it off.
You can't afford to lose an inch off that thing.
I trust you, Marcella.
We've been trying to get you out on the town for weeks.
Why now? Why? Hello?
Nothing. Just some days you see everything clearly.
We almost died today.
We went home and fucked, which put us in a pretty good mood.
And gave us an appetite.
How many times a week you fuck? Runks and I are starting to slump.
-Hey, now. -What? It's true.
You don't think I'm starting to go through the change, do you?
-I still get really wet. -That's what makes me pop so fast.
This is why we don't go out, because every time we do,
Charlie says something that makes me throw up in my mouth.
-She started it. -Try living with that shit. I didn't.
You think we'll be doing this years from now?
Why not? We're the best friends in the whole world.
We have got more business. We are not done taking this town by storm.
I'm not sure if this town is done taking us by storm...
From behind... Not so much as a reach-around.
-Boys and girls... -We're cheers-ing.
To hard cocks, wet pussies, bald heads, smurfs,
and weathering the storm.
-Are you Jewish? -Gesundheit.
Not sure if it's the whiskey talking, but I love you guys.
I fucking love you too.
Especially you.
-They're doing it. -You should kiss me now.
-We're kissing. -So we have to.
That's good salad dressing.
END OF EPISODE 9, SEASON VII