Previously...
-Stu! Nicky! -You two know each other?
She relieved my son of his virginity.
-Nicky's here. -She's with Stu.
I gotta fuck something.
I have a proposal for you. And yes, it is quite indecent.
You'd pay a million dollars to fuck me?
Yeah!
I'm going to be putting a clock on that offer I made you, Charlie,
-How's it going? -What are you doing here?
Work on me motorbikes and me memoirs.
-You were macking on her inside of me? -You were inside her?!
-It's complicated. -It's not.
They want to make an offer to Eddie Nero.
-Don't do it. You'll regret it. -What?
He poops on people.
Nero is a psycho. What he wants is to take you in his mouth.
It's always nice to be wanted.
Karen was in a car accident.
This doesn't change anything. I'm still pissed at you.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
-Hi! -Hank, I told you!
I know, but I wanted to see for myself.
You're convalescing quite nicely... quite nicely, indeed.
Thank you. Excuse me, I have some food on the stove.
-You're hungry, are you? -I'm making myself something to eat.
Wouldn't you rather go out to dinner, blow the stink off?
Not that you stink, although sometimes in the morning with the breath...
Your effluvium has always been quite refreshing to me...
Like cucumber lemonade... or cucumber spa water.
-Are these words for me or for you? -For both of us, Karen.
Wordplay, foreplay... it's all the same thing.
I'm exhausted. I want to go lie down.
Is that an invite? J.K., as the kids say. J.K.
I'll provide the transpo. I won't even try to finger you while I drive.
-Please! -I promise.
I might try to gauge your heat, though... over the clothes.
You are making it really hard for me to say no.
Allow me to appeal to the foodie in you. It's at a new place.
It's all the rage, four stars. The blogosphere is abuzz.
-That is so mean. -I know.
You know how much I love trying new restaurants.
I do know that. Karen?
Something is burning.
I do believe your sad little solo dinner is ruined.
-Fire! -My!
CALIFORNICATION Season VII, episode 10
-You didn't forget your wallet. -Nope.
-This is a new pop-up restaurant? -Yep.
So let's get it over with. I'm fucking starving.
You're establishing an attitude to combat the romantic mood
that I've established here, and I'm okay with that.
That gives me something to work with. It's the very essence of drama.
A guy wants something, something stands in his way.
God. Hank, shut the fuck up.
Refresh yourself. Tranya! Have a drink. In vino veritas...
Or something like that. In wine, there is truth.
In whiskey, there may be more. In tequila, there's a lot of truth.
Great. Where are the Runkles?
They went out to dinner. That little pop-up I was telling you about.
They got to go there? You know I wanted to try that place.
-Why didn't you just take me there? -This would be way more charming.
Dinner at Charlie and Marcy's house?
A dinner slaved over by yours truly, at an empty Malibu Beach house?
This place is ours for hours.
Hank, look at me. I am not gonna sleep with you.
-I have no such expectations. -Bullshit.
What is all this for if it's not to pry my legs apart?
I wanted to do this for you. You deserve it.
Since I've come back, I've been adrift. Obviously Levon rocked my world.
I've been down some roads that have led to some pretty dirty back alleys,
but I've kept my eye on the prize.
Hank. Aren't you tired?
Don't you want to start again with someone new?
-God, no. Is that what you want? -Yeah. Sometimes. Sure.
Why would I find a new life when I haven't perfected the good old one?
Maybe you can't perfect it.
At a certain point, it is what it is.
-And then we die. -I don't agree.
I've learned a lot about myself during our time in the sun.
And through it all, I have only ever wanted one thing... you.
-Maybe wanting is not enough. -Isn't it, though?
-I don't think so. -I disagree.
-It's not something you can win. -I'm not trying to win anything.
You're always trying a new angle, like this...
-Some huge, grand, romantic gesture. -What grand, romantic gesture?
What need to look at our history and realize... it doesn't work.
We don't work.
Let's not turn this into some dry history lesson.
Let's enjoy this glorious meal! Have a bite, another sip of wine...
Let's savor each other's company. Mangia! In vino veritas.
-You said that already. -I did? It's true.
-This is really good. -I know, right?
-Did you make this by yourself? -Yeah.
No. I tried, but I failed miserably.
What I made looked like sick on a plate, tasted even worse.
So I went out and I procured some high-end takeout... full disclosure.
-I'm sorry. -That's okay.
You are charmed by my attempts to charm you.
-A little. -Have more wine.
There's someone at the door.
-Hi! Not a good time. -I'm sorry.
I felt bad about things, and I wanted to see how you were doing.
-I'm well. -And how's Karen?
-She's well... -She's fine.
Hi! I'm so sorry! God, I had no idea.
-I'll be on my way. -No, please, stay.
-You're in the middle of something. -No, just dinner.
What do you mean "just dinner"? "Just dinner"?
Please stay. We need to get to know one another.
Our paths are gonna be crossing here and there, right?
Why don't you make a date to meet for coffee next week?
-You want some wine? -Yeah.
God, I would love a glass of wine.
-Thank you, Karen. -You're welcome, Julia.
This is so great!
-And having a kid with him... -Holy shit, right?
-This is still so great. -Could we have some more wine?
-Do you have any dessert? -I'd be happy to, Karen.
-Hi! -What? What's wrong?
We go to dinner, and our credit cards get declined... all of them.
Runks got pissy. They called the cops. It was a whole big to-do!
You could've left the door open. You knew I was coming in.
Slamming it... that's very rude. We need to stick together, Marcy.
-Hello. -Hi.
You invited Julia to your romantic dinner with Karen?
-You dirty dog, you. -I stopped by unannounced.
-I see. -Marcy Runkle.
-Hi. -Your kid's a doll.
Thank you so much! You have the nicest friends.
Yould you like perhaps
to continue our propositional conversation in the bedroom?
No, I would like to seek outside counsel. Karenina.
-Can I ask you a question? -Anything.
-Stu wants to sleep with me again. -Of course he does.
-For a million dollars. -What?
He would pay you a million dollars to sleep with you?
-Would he pay me a million dollars? -What the fuck? That's disgusting.
It's a lot of money.
-Gluten-free artisanal custard tort. -That's lovely.
-Is Stu the big bald producer guy? -That's right.
I saw the outline of his penis and it was freakishly big.
That's my ex. He wouldn't be into you, honey,
'cause he's only into tiny, petite little fuck dolls.
That's my girl... tiny, little, petite fuck doll.
-So should I do it? -No.
That's my girl.
-But we are fucking broke! -I know.
Jesus Christ! Julia. Would you fuck a guy for a million dollars?
He's got a great big cock, fills you right up.
Jesus, Marcy!
I have never been that much of a size queen. I prefer a pretty penis.
That's right, baby.
I'm sorry, it's very confusing. And you invited her to join us...
It's true... we have both experienced his penis.
-It is pretty. -It's okay.
I've seen it. I tugged on it a couple times accidentally.
It's a nice one... smooth helmet. Good job, kid.
It's a good-looking cock, no homo.
You guys are swell.
-Krull, my good man. Welcome. -Seriously, with this guy again?
Hello, love. I've been seeing a lot of you lately...
in me daydreams, me wide-awake dreams,
when I'm tugging meself.
That's neat. Thanks.
Charlie, are you gonna let this degenerate talk to me like that?
This degenerate happens to be a client, Marcy.
-Besides, he is complimenting you. -Absolutely, love.
You never have a problem when a millionaire talks to you like that.
I was married to that perverted millionaire.
-Hello, Hank. -Krull, good to see you!
You too, buddy. I drove him back.
-On the back of me bike. -For you.
You could've give him some suction.
-It kind of numbed out my taint. -That happens. Who's this?
-Hi. I'm Julia. -Hello, love.
-Krull. Rock 'n' roll butler. -That's cool.
I got some pages for you.
Forgot about the time when Atticus was blowing himself,
He ended up blowing a load on the pair of us. I got combat pay for that one.
This is the kind of salacious details that sells these rock'n'roll memoirs.
Hi, Levon.
Hello!
Hey, everyone. Mom? What are you doing here?
-A word with your dad. -I told you to stay away from him?
-What's that about? -I don't want you taking advantage.
-Nobody's taking advantage. -She's horny, single, and vulnerable.
-Enough. Who is your friend? -Can I get you a drink?
-Why aren't you answering your phone? -I've been busy hosting.
-Who's your friend? -This is Mi.
Hang on. I know Mi.
I knew you look familiar. You pick me up on bike.
-Outside the All-American Burger. -You jerk off on me.
-That's a good memory. -Mi got good head for tricks.
You sure do!
So I went to that comic book store I met her when I was coming out.
I owe her more money than I currently have on my person.
What did you do?
We went around the world, in the butt and everything.
-She made me wear a condom. -Too much. How much?
I don't want to limit your sexual exploration,
but you got to lay off the hookers, it's illegal, and there's diseases.
No, mama! I make him put bag on it.
-That's good, I guess. -He had a tough time...
-I did. I'm sorry, mom. -I don't want that for my son.
-I told them that the last time. -God, thank you. That is so sweet.
You're so welcome. I am so sorry.
-Rath. What are you doing here? -Is Hank around?
Sorry to bother you at home, but a friend of yours insisted.
-Moody! -Eddie Nero... as I live and breathe.
-Put me back in my chair. -Okay.
No! It's okay. I'll do it myself.
Dare I ask why you're in a wheelchair?
Have you finally had your genitals removed?
It was just a flight of fancy an a-lister's daydream.
I thought I'd lost all my loads.
Then your lovely soul mate taught me otherwise.
-Karen! -Eddie.
-Let me pepper you with kisses. -It's so nice to see you.
-It's so good to see you, Karen. -Good.
Can you feel it? This is the site of our erotic encounter.
The wood of this humble abode has absorbed my seed, my very essence.
Are you as moist as I am?
-Pussy fart. How are you? -Good, Eddie. How are you?
-No. I'm on duty. -Of course. Karen?
For my character, that I will be essaying in an upcoming episode
of TV's Santa Monica Cops, which I have agreed to do
because all the finest movie stars are coming to television today.
Two days on a set plus a meaty monologue equals...
Emmy nomination!
I'm going for the motherfucking EGOT: Emmy, Golden Globe, Oscar, Tony.
For that, I'll provide sexual favors to Neil Patrick Harris, if needed.
Moody, I need you to write me a monologue.
I miss our collaborations. Rath is a fine writer, but he's terse.
I need someone who can provide a glorious golden shower of verbiage.
And the Emmy goes... to Edward fucking Nero.
God, there are some beautiful women around.
I'm glad I still have all my loads. We could have the bukkake party.
My character... he cannot achieve an erection.
He's been robbed of his manhood. But he's a force to be reckoned with.
I know you... from Sunset and Gardner.
That right, motherfucker!
Did not recognize you with the mustache.
-You poop on me! -You're welcome.
Rath's hitting it off with Karen over there.
-Why is that good news? -He's staying away from my mom.
Guess who's chatting up your mom, is Eddie fucking Nero.
That guy will get the stink finger if he tries anything.
Stink finger is powerless over him. Dude poops on people.
-That's fucking unsettling. -You think?
Hi. What's going on here?
I was having the greatest conversation with your boss.
-He's not really my boss, per se. -How else would you put it?
I like to think of us as compatriots, birds of a feather, kindred spirits,
-Writers, men... Men. -I hired you. I can fire you.
Yeah, be that way. This evening started out
as an attempted intimate dinner for the two of us.
And at some point, I would like to...
It's okay, sweetie. I can catch up with you anytime.
I don't know when I'm next gonna get to see Rick.
We can see each other as often as you like, Karen.
These things are very complicated with Hank.
I asked him about Julia. He said he wasn't involved with her.
-Next thing he was inside of her, so... -Inside of her?
Why am I surprised? Of course he was.
It's just as well I like her, I guess.
-I'll get that. -I got it.
-Hello, Leon. -It's Levon.
Why is that so hard for people to get?
Charlie, Marcy, so sorry to barge in on you guys like this,
but I must have a word.
-Hello, Edward. How are you? -Stu, my favorite moneyman!
I'm not even gonna get up off this couch to deal with this shit.
Thanks to Eddie Nero here, my knee is killing me.
Besides, everyone knows, Stu. Everyone knows.
In that case...
Look away, Marcy!
-But it's so beautiful. -And it's all yours.
Just say the word, sign right here on the dotted line.
-If you could initial here and here. -Stu, was is it about this woman?
I'm so glad you asked me. Entering her is like walking
into the most wonderful candy store in the world.
Spending time inside of her is akin to cocooning yourself
in the softest, most exotic of silks.
I remember I used to be able to press on her cute little tummy
and feel myself just throbbing away in there.
-You have to remember that, Marcy. -I guess I do.
I'm gonna throw the fuck up.
If sex allows us to transcend this average, everyday, humdrum existence
and get us that much closer to God, then it was with Marcy
that I came within spitting distance of my maker.
Have you lost your fucking mind?
I need to experience this pint-sized powerhouse.
I've seen her go at it. She's like a feral cat with a greedy snatch.
Greedy snatch! Give me! All for it, none for you.
Consider this a signing bonus. 10% up front. Do with it what you will.
We have to talk. Come here.
Listen to me.
This kind of cash could get us out of all of our immediate debt.
With the Krull book, I could get us at least that much.
-Almost. -What about next month?
I'm offering you some sweet relief. Give yourself a break.
And you got to think about little Stuart!
My namesake.
Stu, you have got to stop disrespecting me in my own home!
This is clearly a rental.
Hit him!
Okay, Runkle... now you pushed me too far.
My boy Runkle's got some serious retard strength right now.
-No fighting! Not on my watch! -Holy shit. That thing is real?
When I'm in research mode, I'm not fucking around.
I cannot work with this guy. I thought Hashtag was bad.
No one should fight like this.
Last time I was here, I fought much like this
with a man named Hank Moody, who bested me that night.
And do you know why? Because I slept with his woman.
I will kick you in the fucking cock.
There's no need. I have a confession to make.
I did not penetrate your beloved that night. I fully intended to,
but I hadn't come with a woman in so long that I merely...
made wet in my tunic.
She did me the great honor of making it seem like we made sweet love,
which is why she is such an incredible woman.
What is this, fucking Christmas? Why didn't you tell me that?
I didn't want to betray Eddie's confidence.
Her loveliness is giving me an erection right now...
-I wanted you to think that we had. -Really? You did, did you?
Karen, if you would grant me another chance,
I am sure I could penetrate you in a satisfactory manner...
You would have to lift me up off of the chair into the bed.
Have you ever had sex with a handicapped man?
I think we had a moment, and I think that moment's passed.
-Thank you for your honesty. -What about you, Goldilocks?
-You ever made love to a paraplegic? -I did once.
I really liked him, but then Levon scared him away.
He told him if he tried anything funny, he'd pushed him into traffic.
I was young and angry, okay? I didn't have a fucking father.
He was really good at oral sex.
Gross. I knew I should've pushed that fucking gimp into traffic.
That's not nice.
-He wasn't as good as yours truly. -Yes. He was really good.
Not any better than Edward R. Nero, who is a cunning linguist.
I'm a single mom, Eddie. And I'm not easily wooed.
I'm a single father with millions of dollars and unlimited loads.
"Unrimited roads"?
-Empty your pockets, bitches! -Everyone do exactly what she says.
I do not think I could survive a bullet in the head.
-Come on! -Are you fucking kidding?
Hurry! Now!
-I thought you used to be a cop. -I was a fucking transit cop.
I don't have a gun on me.
Later, bitches!
-I had fun tonight. -That's mine!
Aren't you glad we didn't go to some boring place on Abbot Kinney?
Do you think Eddie's gonna be okay?
He seemed all right as they were loading him into the ambulance.
He asked me to email him the draft of the monologue asap.
It's not like he's human or anything. I think he's gonna be fine.
Crazy how nothing good ever happens in Charlie and Marcy's house!
It's like the place was built on some Indian burial ground or something.
It's like there's a whole bunch of horny Malibu Indians
rolling around underneath there.
Good night.
At least I learned that you didn't do sex with Eddie Nero,
so I will sleep easier tonight.
I learned that you recently did sex with the mother of your first child.
-I'm sorry about that. -Why? It's your life.
You could change it.
-I am trying. -Hank... again, I ask you why.
You thrive on chaos.
You need to be in the middle of some kind of mess of your own creation.
Is what makes you attractive
and also impossible to live with.
"Impossible" is a very strong word.
Hank, I love you.
But I can't be with you. When will you accept that?
Never. It's also what makes me attractive.
Yeah... and very lonely.
END OF EPISODE 10, SEASON VII