Previously...
We need to get to know one another. Our paths are gonna be crossing.
Great!
He'll pay a million dollars to sleep with you?
Consider this a signing bonus. 10% up front.
This kind of cash can get us out of all our debt.
When are you gonna tell Becca about Levon?
-When is she gettin' back? -In a few weeks.
You aren't together? He said he wasn't involved with Julia,
next thing you know, he was inside of her...
You're getting back together? It's like the world's greatest love story.
Hank, I love you, but I can't be with you.
Killing bad guys is my business, and business is cracking.
-How was it? -It wasn't very good, was it?
Are you fucking kidding me right now, mom? It sucked. Hard.
I can't believe I even work for that show. I deserve way better.
-I hope your episode's better. -Can't promise anything.
-Whatever. Going to bed. -Good night, buddy.
Love you.
Hi.
We haven't been alone together in a long time.
Which explains why my wiener feels so weird right now.
-Mom. -What, honey?
-Is it cool if I... -What?
-What the fuck is he saying? -I don't know.
Can I sleep in the annex?
What the fuck is the annex? What the fuck are you holding?
This is my lovey. It's like my favorite blanket.
I've had it since I was a little fucking baby.
-If you really think you need to. -I do, I'm worried about the future.
-Our future, all of us. -Why?
Show's gonna get canceled, and then what are we gonna do?
Stick a pin in that and go off to the annex and get a good night's sleep.
This is the annex right here?
What the fuck? You still breast-feeding too?
I wish.
Thanks, mom. Good night. Good night, dad.
Good night.
CALIFORNICATION Season VII, episode 11
Gather round, people. Gather round.
-Yeah, so we're canceled. -One and out. Holy shit.
Sorry, did I say that out loud? I gotta go call Gersh.
We've been asked to shut down production and go on hiatus.
A hiatus sounds good. I could use a break from this fucking grind.
You're gonna have a nice, long break, all right, Hashtag!
Look. We threw a party. Nobody showed up. It happens.
It's been a blast. Actually, you know what?
This hasn't been a blast. This has been a fucking pain in the ass,
thankfully a relatively short pain in the ass.
Learn from this, people, okay? Take it with you to the next job,
and appreciate what you have while you have it,
because usually, it ends just like this.
-Aren't we gonna fight this shit? -No, Levon.
They can't cancel our show after one episode.
This tubby motherfucker is speaking the truth.
America voted, Hashtag. They don't like your shit.
That really hurts my feelings, Rath.
You'll live to butcher someone else's dialogue.
That's the beauty... How many chances we get to fuck it up all over again.
Many.
I will be in my office drinking if anyone wants to say good-bye.
I understand. I'm sorry, Hank.
What's wrong?
Santa Monica Cop got canceled.
Lovely. There goes that pathetic trickle of a revenue stream.
I am sure I can get Hank on another show.
Oh, God, Charlie. I have to fuck Stu.
I know it's upsetting, baby.
I'm crying because I know you have to fuck Stu.
I'm crying because I can't even provide for you and our son.
Our life is so pathetic right now, it seems this is the only option.
So now, it's my turn to provide. Big fucking deal.
I have to go out and schtup my ex, so we can make the rent.
-There's worse things... I guess. -I'm gonna fucking kill myself!
Don't kill yourself, baby.
Our son has enough shit to deal with about his old man,
you're gonna throw in paternal suicide too?
That's true. When you're right, you're right.
I don't think I can stay here knowing you're out there fucking Stu.
-I have an idea. -You're not gonna do it?
No, I'm gonna do it. but I think maybe you should do it too.
-Fuck Stu? -No, you idiot. Fuck someone else.
If you have to deal with the unpleasantness of me fucking Stu,
I think it's only fair that... You should get to fuck somebody else.
-Really? -Yes.
I'm intrigued. Continue, please.
Just once, and I don't wanna know about it. I'm serious.
You keep that shit to yourself.
I have a confession to make.
-I'm incredibly hard right now. -Really?
That's funny because I'm incredibly wet right now.
-Are we sick people? -I think that goes without saying.
-Should we bone? -I think that goes without saying.
I literally have ten minutes before I have to pick up Stuart
and get him to speech therapy.
-May I? -I insist.
Thought about giving up television and getting back to your music?
Fuck that, this is the only thing I have that's actually pure.
The second you try and get serious, it loses all its magic.
Word to your mother.
-What's next? -I have a deal with the studio.
They'll ask me to step in and save some other fucking disaster
or write another pilot. same shit, different year.
-Gotta keep the pool heated! -So my son can defile it some more?
Yeah. The real question is, what's next for Hank Moody?
Fuck if I know, man.
I don't think you should go work on another show.
-I don't have what it takes? -It's just a waste of what you have.
-You should write a show of your own. -I appreciate that, but I...
I don't know about cops or lawyers or doctors.
No, fuck that shit. Write about what you do know. Write about you.
About your fucked-up friends, your kids, the ones you know about.
-Write about Karen. -And Julia.
Write about Julia. Just leave a little room in there
for someone to swoop in and steal her away.
Just a little.
-Think about it. -I will.
-Hey, pretty lady. -Hey there, sailor.
-Charlie. -Lisa.
What's the matter, Charlie? You seem a little nervous.
I'm a little nervous, yeah, more than I thought I would be.
What's to be nervous about? You're a guy talking to a girl.
I suppose you're right. Yeah. Can I buy you a drink?
-Sure. I like drinks. -Krull? Whatever the lady would like.
The lady wants a jager shot.
Same for the gentleman, I guess.
-Married? -This old thing.
-We have kind of an arrangement. -That's cool. I have a boyfriend.
-So what did you have in mind? -A liaison, perhaps?
-Liaison. -I know a cheap motel close by.
-What would you do? -Do?
-To me in a cheap hotel? -To you, I would kiss you.
-Not hot, not for a liaison. -No kissing. Okay.
I would fondle your boobs... Right?
I would maybe get a sense of your ass!
And then, I suppose my penis would make an appearance.
I would put it in your mouth. I might take it out again.
Maybe I would slap you on the forehead with it, just for fun.
-You're a dirty little birdie. -You have no idea, Lisa.
-What else? I like this game. -I would pull down your pants.
I would tear off your panties and stuff 'em in your mouth.
I would wrap the phone cord around your neck. Not too hard, of course.
-Rough is fun. -Holy shit.
-You may just be my sexual soul mate. -That's sweet.
I would take you from behind. No, scratch that.
Not from behind, it gets me going too much. It's too good.
-It's like two seconds, I'd be done. -We wouldn't want that.
Allow me to demonstrate something that I like to call "La Runkle."
Come here, stand up. I find that if I move in little circles,
it keeps me in the game far longer.
This simple change from this to that, it makes me last a little bit longer.
-What the fuck is this? -I beg your pardon?
-Who's the clown? -This is Charlie.
This is my boyfriend Mack.
Charlie was describing what he'd like to do to me in a cheap motel.
Wanna know what I'd do to you in a cheap motel, Charlie?
Or even in a bar?
Come on, dirty girl. Let's get naked.
-What's up, Harpo? -You got a great fucking body.
I wish the apple fell a little closer to the bush on that one.
-How do I get abs like that? -Start by laying off the pizza.
Yeah, like that's gonna happen. I love pizza and movie night.
Just what the doctor ordered. So what if I'm unemployed?
I talked to Rath, he's gonna let you stay on for as long as he can.
-But then what? -Then you get another job.
How am I just gonna luck into another job like I did with this?
Maybe you actually go out and you find one.
That's never really worked for me.
-I'm gonna throw some clothes on. -Hurry up. Pizza's gonna get cold.
Fuck. God damn it.
Mom? Thank God. You gotta help me.
-My God. Hi. -Hi.
-You're Becca. -Yes, I am. And you are...
-I'm Levon. Hi! -Nice to meet you, Levon.
You said my name right.
-Is that unusual? -Yeah.
-I'm sorry, do you know about me? -No.
-You don't know about me? Shit. -I'm looking for my father.
-He's getting dressed. -Where's Charlie and Marcy?
-I don't know. They're weird. -Yeah, they are.
You're a lot hotter than your pictures.
-Thanks? -I'm sorry. That's weird.
-Your mom's hot, makes sense. -You know my mom?
-Yeah. Super milfy. Where is she? -Parking the car.
So how do you know my father?
Let's get this pizza-movie night started...
-I met your strange little friend. -Yeah.
About my strange little friend...
Will you tell her already? The suspense is killing me here.
-Tell me what? -I have some news.
-Yeah, me too. That's why I'm here. -Great, why don't you go first?
No, you first, dude. I wanna give her a fucking hug already.
Why?
Can't do it? You're embarrassed of me. I fucking knew it.
I wanted to tell you, but I didn't wanna do it over the phone.
I got three bottles. I hope it's enough. I know you like to drink.
Holy shit. Is this Becca? It's so great to finally meet you.
-Who are you? -I'm Julia, Levon's mom.
Are you excited to meet your brother?
My brother?
-Missus, you back! -Hi, Irma.
-You put perfect? -Is he in?
Yes, of course, he's in.
-Marcy? -Hi, Stu. How are you?
-Never better. -Can we talk?
-Of course. -Alone.
Irma, you hear the woman of the house. Be gone with you!
-What can I do for you, Marcy? -I assume the offer still stands?
Well, of course it... Don't toy with me, woman.
-Are you in? -Yes, I'm in.
Okay. Let's do it.
-So just sign right here. -Okay.
And if you could initial here...
-And right there. -Okay.
And we are done. And I'll take that. Thank you.
All right, so let's just should we do this? Let's do this.
-What? What, now? -Yeah.
There's no time like the present. Let's get this shit over with.
-No offense. -Yeah, let's just do it.
-Let's do it now. -Yeah.
-Come here. -Okay. All right.
-I've missed you. -Okay.
Okay.
All right, Stu. Maybe not now.
My head's not in the game. Can we just do this tomorrow?
Absolutely, darling, it would give me more time to prepare.
I need to groom myself, could use a wax.
-Do you want to... -Wax you before I fuck you for money?
-No, Stu. God, no. -Understood. So tomorrow.
-I will enter you tomorrow. -Yes, you will.
-I can't wait. -Yes. Good times. Yeah.
Manana.
Tomorrow, my dear. Tonight...
We practice.
Yeah.
Who's the daddy?
-So you knocked up... -Julia.
Sorry, so you knocked up Julia before you met mom?
-Let's hope so. -Give me a break, Karen.
Do you think he was sleeping with both of us at the same time?
I guess anything's possible. It's Hank we're talking about, right?
Ladies, I'm right here.
I impregnated Julia just before I met your mom.
-Who you then quickly impregnated. -What a fucking baller!
-Don't talk like that. -Just trying to keep it light.
I know this is a really shitty way to find out about something so huge.
Given the story of my life, this seems perfectly appropriate.
Yeah. Where do we go from here, Becca?
-What do you mean? -What do you mean, what do I mean?
I have a fucking sister. How cool is that?
You have a brother. How cool is that?
-I don't know yet. -You're sarcastic, just like dad.
-I wanna party with you, kid. -Can you not call him that?
-But he's my father. -He's my father.
So he's our father. Deal with it, Becca.
She's just absorbing the information right now.
-I knew you were gonna take her side. -I am not siding with anyone.
You love her more, don't you? She's your real kid.
We're just the dirty one-night stand of families.
-I'm a retard and my mom's a slut. -Behave yourself.
I'm sorry, he's emotional.
Will you excuse me while I go hang myself?
No. You don't get to do that. You don't get to feel sorry for yourself.
-Not even a little bit? -No, this is your life. Deal with it.
This is your life, Hank Moody. Deal with it.
I am dealing with it.
-How was your trip, honey? -It was amazing, actually.
That's fantastic. How was...
Now is not the time to be a dick.
Up high, sis.
You're a little uptight. Anyone ever tell you that?
I'm not being a dick. I don't remember the gentleman's name.
-Ross. -Yeah, Roscoe. Good ol' Roscoe.
-Did he behave himself? -Tread carefully, Hank.
-What? I don't get it. -Becca has news.
-Yes, she said that earlier. -Now's not the time, mom.
-You're right. I'm sorry. -I just came clean. Your turn.
-I'm getting married. -No, you're not.
- I am, dad. - No, you're not.
There's not a lot you can do about it, is there?
Don't you have your hands full, juggling your two families?
-This is ridiculous. -Any more than this?
I love weddings. Brother of the bride. Are you kidding me?
-I'm invited, right? I'll come. -I think we should go.
-What about pizza and movie night? -Do it another time.
I wanna go home... Wherever the fuck that is these days.
-Sorry, baby. -For what?
-Where the fuck do I begin? -I'm not mad about Levon.
It's kinda nice not being the only child anymore.
I look forward to getting to know him, sort of.
-He seems... amusing. -He is. He's a good kid.
That's very mature of you to acknowledge that,
but you were always the mature one.
-Ain't that the truth. -Yeah.
What's all this about you getting married?
Just that. I'm getting married.
You think you're head over heels with this guy...
Don't be condescending right now. In exchange,
I promise not to be condescending about your latest chronic fuck-up.
Deal?
My chronic fuck-ups aside, this is not a good idea.
-Why? -'Cause you're so young.
-I'm young, and you're old... Er. -Thank you. What's your point?
Looking back, can you say you're happy you never got married?
Didn't it basically doom you to loneliness?
It's not about being married or not being married.
-What's it about then? -I don't know.
I couldn't tell you right now. What are the odds that this clown,
this particular young gentleman is the one?
You're one to talk about odds. Didn't you get it right the first time?
What makes you so special? Why couldn't it happen to me too?
-Why the rush? -He asked, and I answered.
And it feels right to me. I'm trusting my gut.
I would think you of all people could understand that.
I cannot in good conscience endorse this shit, Becca.
You've got a lot of nerve,
after all the shit you've asked me to endorse over the years?
That's fair, fair enough.
I come home with the biggest news in my life, I can't even get it out
before I'm confronted with the wreckage of your past.
I'm sorry. I don't...
-I don't know what else to say. -Yeah, me too.
We're doing it in New York. You can be a part of it or not.
Totally up to you. But it's happening.
I'm not gonna let you make me fucking miserable about it.
END OF EPISODE 11, SEASON VII