Previously...
God, you're Becca!
-I have some news. -Me too. That's why I'm here.
-Are you excited to meet your brother? -My brother?
Hey, everyone!
I don't want to limit your sexual exploration, but lay off the hookers!
You need to start dealing with some real live women, one-on-one.
Hi! Hi, pretty lady.
-The offer still stands? -Are you in?
Yes, I'm in.
I have an idea. Maybe you should do it too.
-I'm getting married. -No, you're not!
There's not a lot you can do about it!
-Ridiculous. -Any more than this?
I cannot in good conscience endorse this shit.
We're doing it in New York. You can be a part of it or not.
Not gonna let you make me miserable about it.
-I can pay you. What if I pay you? -You're an asshole.
Yes, but I'm an asshole who loves you something fierce.
-I know. -I want what's best for you.
I know that too.
Which is why it's hard for me to get excited when you're getting...
-Married! -I'm not getting married.
-You're not? -No, it's not a good idea.
It's not! I'm so happy you're on the same page with me.
Between your mother and you, that almost never happens.
There's no point in me getting married, ever.
That's a wee bit extreme. You could wait till 30 or 35.
Your 20s and early 30s are gonna be an endless procession of douche bags.
Trust me, but just hang tight.
I'll never be able to have a successful relationship.
-Why do you say that? -Because of you.
Have you ever been able to sustain a relationship?
You say you love me, you say you love mom,
but what does that mean when you only ever let us down?
I'm my father's daughter.
Becca!
-You all right, buddy? -I'm fine.
-What the fuck are you doing here? -Marcy and I had a fight.
She's gonna sleep with Stu tomorrow. Can I sleep here with you tonight?
CALIFORNICATION Season VII, Episode 12
-Where is she? -Gone.
-What do you mean gone? -She left for New York this morning.
-She's gone to meet his parents. -This is more serious than I thought.
What part of I'm getting married you didn't think was serious?
It's like the setup to some horrible practical joke.
I keep on expecting Ashton Kutcher to make an appearance...
He's not in your bathroom? Are you Ashton Kutcher?
They're having the ceremony this weekend.
-That is crazy. -Maybe, maybe not.
That's not the way it's supposed to happen.
You want to pretend it's not happening?
-What's wrong with that? -Look at the choices we made.
We decided not to get married. We were too cool for that shit.
And look where that got us. How cool are we right now?
Is that what you want for her? Our life, our ridiculous story?
I see no reason to denigrate our beautiful story.
And I have every reason to be mad about the most recent turn of events.
-Where is that gonna get you? -It feels pretty good right now.
You're way too old to be dragged into doing the right thing.
-How do you know it's the right thing? -She's our kid, and she needs us!
She's a kid and she's behaving like a kid.
-What? -You just gonna let it ring?
-Who is it... Julia? -Ashton. Kutcher.
Just fucking deal with something in your life.
-I'm leaving. -Shouldn't we talk about this more?
We're done talking. I'm all about the doing.
Hello? Julia, just slow down. Jesus Christ!
Are you kidding me? Again?
-Looking hot, Marcy. Hot. -Thanks.
You want to look your best when somebody's paying to fuck you, right?
Makes sense. Way to go! If you're gonna do it, do it right.
Get it fucking done!
This is exactly why I didn't want you in the house today.
So I wouldn't see you, right?
That's sweet... like a bride on her wedding day!
Maybe I got something going on today. Maybe I'm gonna get fucked today.
Will you stop whoo-hooing? And I don't want to know about it.
And you better not fuck anyone in my house.
It was my house first. And I fucked a lot of ladies here.
102, to be precise. I fucked 'em here, right on this chair.
I fucked 'em there, there... I fucked 'em on the counter.
I fucked 'em bent over this chair right here... your favorite spot.
I slipped right in. It was no problem at all.
Good for you, baby. Good for you.
-We're gonna laugh about this. -You sure about that?
I love you. I'm sure about that.
You better say it back!
I love you too.
-You better not have an orgasm. -I'll do my best.
-I'm so disappointed in you! -That hurts my feelings, mom.
-It's okay if I slap him silly? -We don't hit in this family.
-Maybe we should. -Try it. I'll see you in court!
I'll see you in court first!
-Now you have a criminal record. -And you owe me money!
-I'm good for it. -No, you're unemployed.
Which is why I was seeking comfort in the arms of a streetwalker.
I knew it was illegal, but I thought cops always looked the other way.
-Lesson learned. -I'll send you to Dr. Lawson.
-Who's Dr. Lawson? -His therapist.
-Why'd he stop? -'Cause I healed myself.
-Good job. -I can't talk to you!
Why don't you go home?
-You're the one who started this. -Let me see if I can end it.
-Bye, mom. -Come here!
-Hello? -Hello!
Winston, allow me to introduce you to Hope and Love.
Hope and Love. Please, come in! Yes, enjoy.
Make yourselves at home. There's shrimp to enjoy on the table.
-You have a lovely home. -That's a very nice thing to say.
Hope's all yours. I want Love.
It's easy for me to remember that way. Like, "bend over, Love".
"Don't orphan me balls, Love." It rolls of the tongue...
-Whatever you say, Krull. -You feeling okay about this?
Yeah! I think it's what the doctor ordered.
She's a sure thing, mate. Enjoy.
She'll even give you a good ass-licking if you like.
After a bit of exercise, it's quite nice.
What? Don't knock it till you tried it.
-No more hookers. You hear me? -Fine. I'm fucking broke anyway.
-It's not about the money. -I'm a fucking criminal now.
It's not about breaking the law either.
You need to have something approaching a real human relationship.
You're a handsome guy with a great fucking body.
I'm in really good shape, but my looks are a serious problem.
And I sweat way too much. Girls don't like clammy hands on their tits.
Isn't that that girl from that time? Remember?
The one who wanted a photo with you because you were famous?
That made me feel awesome!
-You should go talk to her. - She's not really my type.
-You don't have a type. -Everyone has a type.
You should be open to anything with a couple "X" chromosomes.
-She's staring at me. What do I do? -Wave at her.
No, not like the Queen of England. Come with me.
Look, somewhere inside you is the courage to put yourself out there.
Now reach in and grab it. Be funny, be charming, be bold, motherfucker.
-What's up, prof? -Nothing much, former student.
Whose name I can't recall now. Apologies. You remember Levon.
-Yeah, you're the actor guy, right? - Not really, no.
Yeah!
-Aspiring actor, yes. -Right.
-You're Tara, right? -You remembered.
I went to school with this chick named Sara. She was retarded.
I guess you're not supposed to say that anymore,
but she was mentally handicapped, really tweaked.
The kids made fun of her. I didn't, I always felt pretty retarded myself.
Sara, Tara... not that you're retarded or tweaked or anything.
Thank you.
You're pretty, and not in a generic way, like, "Do you want to dance?"
There's probably no other girl in the world who looks exactly like you.
And you've got this really cool vibe. You make me feel good...
not in a creepy "my wiener feels weird" kind of way.
Like, happy good. It makes me want to get to know you better.
Would you have a drink with me, Tara?
Sure, Levon. I'll have my own, but sure.
I'm just gonna run to the restroom.
If you don't come back, it was nice to see you again.
-I'll be back, Levon. I promise. -Cool.
Watch out for the toilet paper. It's rough stuff.
-I like how she says my name. -That's the way it starts, my friend.
You did good. Drinks are on me. Try to make it to dinner, okay?
If I can get her to have dinner with me, I can bang her...
-No banging. Just talking! -What about fingering?
I will break that finger right off. Just enjoy her.
And let her enjoy you. All right? Try not to fart.
-I love you, you know that? -I do. And I love you too, dad.
-Good. -Having a dad is awesome!
Don't cry. Here she comes. I'm around if you need me.
-You're back. -I just need one of those.
-Dirty old game they call pool. -Show me your best.
Okay. Right there. I'll be the stripes.
-I think he's gonna be all right. -Where is he?
-He's with a girl. -Alone?
No, he's in a bar, just like us once upon a time.
-Did you pay her? -No, he did it all himself.
-That's good. -Yeah.
I hope he doesn't take his penis out.
I hope he does... at the appropriate time.
No, I think he's gonna be fine. I really do.
No, honestly, getting to know him, just...
he's been maybe the most pleasant surprise of my adult life.
Thank you.
I know the feeling. Thank you.
-Wait. Hold on. -Don't you cock-block yourself!
-No, I want to do this right. -With protection?
-I think I have condoms somewhere. -No, I want to take you out to dinner.
-Tonight, all right? -I like dinner.
That settles it, then. We're on, all right.
Wear your best dress. Leave those underwear at home.
-Kruller, looking good. -Hello, Hank.
-Where's Baldo? -He's in the guest room.
-Say hello to Love. -Hello, Love.
- Hello. - As you were.
-What is this? -What does it look like?
Why in my bedroom?
I can't fuck another woman in my marital bed. That's sick.
Class up the fucking ass.
You shouldn't have done this. It's not worth it.
This shit is never worth it... no disrespect, Milady.
-You are a work of art. -Thank you.
-I didn't do anything, Hank. -He couldn't get it up.
It was like nibbling on a piece of string cheese.
It's making me question my chosen career path.
It's not you. But you should consider going back to law school.
This kid is an absolute mess, but you should go back to school.
This is great news, Runks. Put your limp dick away,
get in your girly car, and drive up to Stu's posthaste.
You got to put an end to this shit.
She probably already fucked him, twice, three times.
You'll never know if you don't try. Now be bold, you fucking ninny.
Put some clothes on. You look like someone dragged you out of the river.
Sorry, we could get together sometime for lunch maybe.
With my wife or not. We'll see.
Would you mind if I practice on you?
-Practice what? -Sex.
That is tempting.
I've already turned down sex once today, and I think I can do it again.
-Are you sure? -Yeah.
No. Yeah. No. Yes.
No. Yes. Be gone, Harlot. I've got writing to do.
And get your ass back in school.
We have done it all, Marcy. We swam. We played tennis. We had lunch.
We meditated. We did some yoga. We had massages.
The only things we haven't done is fuck!
My balls are so swollen right now. Please...
Take me in your mouth.
The contract doesn't say anything about blow jobs.
-Intercourse only. -Blow jobs are implied.
-Get a better lawyer. -Is it all right if I penetrate you?
-I feel so weird about all this. -Of course it's weird.
It's like riding a bicycle.
Once big daddy enters the rain forest, all will be right with the world.
I have to check and see if the money transferred.
-You don't trust me! -You're a fucking crazy person.
You go ahead and check. I have to pee.
Do you know how difficult it is to urinate with an erection this size?
What the actual fuck?
What the fuck is this?
-This is quite embarrassing. -Not to mention really creepy.
This is not as creepy as you may think.
She is my loving tribute to you. Isn't she beautiful?
-She's a fuck doll, Stu. -She's an expensive doll. 15 large.
But she's so much more than that. She's a woman, just like you.
And I have made love to her, just like I made love to you.
Want me to show you?
Jesus fucking Christ. This is too weird. You need help, Stu.
No. Don't go!
I paid you a million dollars so I could fuck you, woman.
The least you could do is let me fuck you. Come here.
No, don't fight it.
I will pepper you with kisses, and you will remember what it's like.
-You're gonna rape me now? -How many rape games we played?
-Requested by you, no less. -Those are games! "No" means "no"!
Is that the safe word?
Don't do it, Marcy!
God! I was hoping that you would make some lame attempt to rescue me.
-Did you guys already fuck? -No!
-I couldn't do it! -That is fantastic news!
-What have you been doing all day? -Everything but.
-You mean anal? -No, he didn't even finger me.
I didn't.
Things got weird because I found that sex-doll thing over there... me.
Solid. I'd throw a shot into her.
This is obviously a really terrible idea.
I am sorry I messed with you guys' marriage.
Why don't you just give me the money back, we call it even?
Let's go, Runks.
No. Fuck you, Stu. We're keeping the money.
The hell you are, Runkle! A million bucks is a million bucks.
You said it yourself, Stu. You fucked with our marriage.
-I could sue you! -And you would lose.
I could still leak a story about a freaky, washed-up producer
who's into prostitutes and sex dolls.
I'm not washed-up.
You try me, Stu. I will fuck you up! I will make you eat all of my balls.
You are getting some fucking teeth at last, Runkle! Good for you!
I realize I have sinned. The money is my penance. I'm sorry, guys.
Whatever I did, I did out of love. It just fucks with a man's head.
I'm sorry!
Let me guess. You were expecting someone else?
-Yeah. -Me too.
-Fucking guy! -Fucking guy.
-Do you want me to go? -Do you want to go?
-No, no fucking way. -Then stay.
All right.
Yeah. Funny running into you here.
Fuck!
Good-bye, old girl.
-Karen. I made it. -Good for you.
Our baby's getting married.
Do you want a pat on the back for doing the right thing?
A little positive affirmation never hurt anyone.
It's good.
-Don't ask. -Come on, please?
-No. -I need to sit next to this woman.
-No, you don't. He doesn't. -Good. Move it along.
That's fine. But I wrote you something.
Every time I open my mouth, something stupid comes out,
and the words don't mean what I want them to mean, not even half, so...
-Here. -Thank you.
-Go ahead. -I'm tired of reading you.
Seriously? I thought I was your favorite author.
That just means I'm gonna have to read it to you... Out loud!
-Don't be stupid! -"Dear Karen." That's how it starts.
God, I'm sorry.
I've been thinking about us. That's us with a capital "U".
The story of us. How the fuck do I sum it up?
Has it been perfect? Hardly. Any story with me at the center of it
will never be anything less than a big, smiling mess.
But here's what I know for sure.
Our time in the sun has been a thing of absolute beauty.
The nightmares, the hangovers, the fucking and the punching,
the gorgeous, shimmering insanity of this city of ours,
where for years I woke up, fucked up, said I was sorry,
passed out, and did it all over again.
As a writer, I'm a sucker for happy endings.
The guy gets the girl. She saves him from himself... fade to fucking black.
As a guy who loves a girl, I realize there's no such thing.
There's no sunset. There's just now, and there's just the two of us,
which can be scary fucking ugly sometimes.
But if you close your eyes and listen for the whisper of your heart,
if you simply keep trying and never, ever give up,
no matter how many times you get it wrong,
until the beginning and end blur into something called
'until we meet again'.
And that's it. I didn't know how to finish it...
Because it's not over.
It'll never be over as long as there's you, there's me, and there's hope...
and grace.
Excuse me. You can sit next to me if you want.
-Fine. Take the fucking seat. -Thank you.
It's a middle. Thank you very much.
That hasn't necessarily won me over.
Of course not.
Till the fucking wheels come off, baby.
END OF EPISODE 12, SEASON VII