Captions made possible by HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
THERE.
THERE WE GO, LARRY.
LET ME GET THIS COTTON OUT FOR YOU
AND YOU'LL BE READY FOR DR. FUNKHOUSER.
THANK YOU, DELILAH.
HEY, SAUL.
HOW ARE YOU ?
MM, LOST A CROWN.
SORRY ABOUT LAST TIME.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA THROW UP THIS TIME.
I SWEAR.
I HOPE NOT.
NOW, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT YOU'RE ALLERGIC ?
I CAN'T DO THE GAS, IT JUST MAKES ME SICK.
GO... AAH.
WHAT'S THIS ?
WE HAVE TO DO THIS NOW, IT'S INSURANCE.
OPEN UP.
YOU'RE GONNA TAKE A PICTURE OF MY MOUTH ?
WIDE, OPEN UP WIDE.
THAT'S VERY, VERY ANGRY AND RED TODAY,
BUT I THINK IT'S GONNA BE FINE.
BY THE WAY, IT WAS VERY NICE OF YOU TO RSVP
FOR MY UNCLE LEO'S TESTIMONIAL.
HOW CAN I MISS HIS TESTIMONIAL ?
I MEAN, I'VE GOT PEOPLE COMING FROM RUSSIA, YOU KNOW.
REALLY ?
YEAHCOUSIN COMING FROM RUSSIA.
I DON'T SEE HIM PLAYING GOLF ANYMORE THOUGH.
DOES HE STILL PLAY ?
MY UNCLE LEO, HE'S NOT A SPRING CHICKEN.
YEAH, I KNOW.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, SOMETIMES HE'S FEELING LIKE HE COULD DO IT,
AND SOMETIMES HE DOESN'T WANT TO EMBARRASS HIMSELF.
ROLL UP AND WE'LL DO THIS.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE ?
IT'S A LITTLE SEDATIVE.
YOU CAN'T TAKE THE GAS, THIS IS THE ALTERNATIVE.
OH.
ROLL UP THE SLEEVE AND WE'LL DO IT.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
YOU AFRAID OF THE NEEDLE ?
NO, NO, YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'M JUST CONCERNED THAT IF I ROLL IT UP,
IT'S GONNA LOSE ITS ELASTICITY.
YOU SEE HOW IT KIND OF CLINGS TO THE WRIST NOW ?
THEY CALL IT AN ELASTIC CUFF FOR A REASON,
'CAUSE IT SNAPS BACK.
YOU'D THINK IT WOULD, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE A SOCK.
A SOCK SNAPS BACK.
YOU CAN WEAR A SOCK, 500 TIMES WITH NO PROBLEM.
NO, SOCKS ARE CHEAP, THEY DON'T SNAP BACK.
IT TAKES MORE THAN ONCE FOR IT TO LOSE ITS ELASTICITY.
BELIEVE ME, ON VERY FEW SUBJECTS I'M A EXPERT ON,
AND I'M AN EXPERT ON ELASTIC.
ALRIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU KNOW WHAT, LARRY ?
IF YOU'RE THAT CONCERNED ABOUT IT,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE IT OFF YOUR BODY,
AND THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT...
OH, OKAY.
SORRY, EXCUSE ME, UH, MR. SHERMAN IS ON THE PHONE.
WELL, JUST TALK TO HIM, I'M WITH A PATIENT RIGHT NOW.
HE NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU.
WHY ?
IT'S THE ROOT CANAL, HE'S CALLED THREE TIMES.
ALRIGHT, OKAY, FINE, ALRIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT,
WE'RE JUST GONNA ROLL THIS RIGHT UP RIGHT NOW
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T GOT THE TIME.
I WAS GONNA TAKE THE SHIRT OFF.
I HAVE PEOPLE WITH REAL PROBLEMS IN THERE, LARRY,
AND I HAVE TO DO THIS NOW.
I HAVE AN HYSTERIC ON THE PHONE,
I HAVE PEOPLE IN THE WAITING ROOM,
AND THIS IS ENOUGH ALREADY, IT'S ENOUGH !
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?
FIVE MINUTES YOU'RE GONNA FEEL FINE.
WHAT LINE IS IT ?
LINE ONE.
OH, GREAT, LOOK, HE RUINED THE SHIRT.
LOOK, LOOK AT THIS CUFF,
AND IT'S FLOPPING ALL OVER THE PLACE, LOOK AT THAT.
WHAT, WHAT'S, WHAT'S WITH HIM ?
HE'S NOT HIMSELF RIGHT NOW.
HIS UNCLE HAS HODGKIN'S.
YEAH, BUT IT'S THE GOOD HODGKIN'S.
I DIDN'T KNOW THERE WAS A GOOD HODGKIN'S.
I'M NOT SAYING IT'S A GREAT HODGKIN'S.
IT'S A GOOD HODGKIN'S.
( phone ringing )
( Cheryl ) I'LL GET IT.
HEY, POP.
MMM ?
DO ME A FAVOR, OKAY ?
NEXT TIME USE THE BATHROOM, MAKE SURE TO KEEP THE SEAT DOWN.
WHAT ARE YOU, PUSSY WHIPPED ?
IT'S NOT REALLY ABOUT HER, IT'S ABOUT ME.
I PEE SITTING DOWN.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN DOING THAT ?
WELL, IT STARTED BECAUSE I WAS GETTING UP TO GO AT NIGHT SOMETIMES,
AND, UH, I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE PUTTING THE LIGHT ON,
SO I WOULD SIT DOWN, AND THEN I, YOU KNOW,
I GOT VERY COMFORTABLE WITH IT, YOU KNOW.
COMFORTABLE WITH... A MAN DOESN'T DO THAT.
A MAN STANDS UP TO PEE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
I LIKE TO SIT DOWN, AND I DON'T WANT TO WIND UP IN THE TOILET,
BECAUSE YOU'RE KEEPING THE SEAT UP.
KEEP THE SEAT DOWN.
NO, YOU STAND LIKE A PERSON.
I'M VERY UPSET WITH THIS, THIS IS CRAZY.
YOU KNOW WHAT WINSTON CHURCHILL SAID,
"WHY STAND WHEN YOU CAN SIT ?"
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THAT EXPRESSION ?
NO, I NEVER HEARD THAT EXPRESSION.
BUT I DON'T THINK HE MEANT THE TOILET.
DO YOU WANT ME TO GET THOSE GLAUCOMA DROPS
FOR YOU AT THE DRUG STORE ?
YES, I'M JUST ABOUT OUT OF THEM.
GO PICK UP THE DROPS FOR ME, AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OKAY.
LARRY, SO THAT WAS SUSIE.
UM, THEY'RE HAVING A DINNER PARTY ON FRIDAY,
BECAUSE OF THE FUNKHOUSER TESTIMONIAL,
THEY'RE HAVING A LITTLE, YOU KNOW, DINNER PARTY
WITH MARTY FUNKHOUSER AND THEY HAVE THEIR COUSINS
COMING UP FROM RUSSIA, SO,
AND, UH, TED DANSON WILL BE THERE WITH MARY.
OH, OKAY, TED ASKED US TO TAKE CARE OF HIS DOG.
THEY'RE GOING OUT OF TOWN FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS SO I SAID OKAY.
US ?
OH, YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO ANYTHING ?
IT'S JUST GONNA BE ME ?
I LIKE DOGS, I'M VERY HAPPY TO DO IT.
OKAY, YOU DO THAT.
UH, LOOK WHAT THIS DENTIST DID TO MY SHIRT TODAY.
WHAT HAPPENED ?
IT'S ALL STRETCHED OUT.
YEAH, I KNOW.
NO MATTER WHERE I SIT AT THESE DINNER PARTIES,
IT ALWAYS SEEMS LIKE EVERY CONVERSATION
IS MORE INTERESTING AND ENTERTAINING THAN THE ONE I'VE HAVING.
RIGHT, MM-HMM.
EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE SITTING NEXT TO ME.
NO, IT STILL FEELS THAT WAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT, THE MAIL ?
YEAH, I GRABBED IT ON THE WAY OUT,
OH, A BILL FROM DR. FUNKHOUSER.
YOU'RE KIDDING, ALREADY ?
YEAH, WONDER IF SAUL'S GONNA BE THERE TONIGHT ?
HE DIDN'T MENTION ANYTHING TO ME ABOUT IT.
I JUST SAW HIM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE ALREADY SENT ME A BILL.
BOY, THAT WAS FAST.
NEEDS HIS MONEY.
OOH, EEEW, AAAH !
OH ! OH MY GOD.
WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY ?
YOU ALMOST, WHAT'S GOING ON ?
WHAT IS THAT ?
HERE'S A COPY OF THE PICTURE OF YOUR TOOTH
FOR INSURANCE PURPOSES ?
MY TOOTH, THAT'S MY TOOTH ?
OH MY GOD, THAT'S IN YOUR MOUTH.
WHY ARE THEY SENDING IT TO ME FOR ?
WHY DIDN'T THEY SEND IT TO THE INSURANCE COMPANY ?
I DON'T NEED A COPY OF THAT !
MY GOD !
THIS IS GREAT.
YOU CAME ALL THE WAY FROM RUSSIA FOR YOUR UNCLE'S TESTIMONIAL ?
( speaking Russian )
YES, HIS FAVORITE UNCLE.
FAVORITE UNCLE, HUH ?
IT'S NICE, YOU GET TO SEE YOUR COUSIN MARTY, RIGHT ?
HE LOVES MARTY.
I LIKE TALKING THROUGH A TRANSLATOR.
IT'S FUN, YEAH.
I WISH I COULD DO THIS WITH MY WIFE.
( laughing )
WHAT'S WITH THE BARE FEET ?
IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE THIS WAY.
FEELS LIKE AT HOME, YOU KNOW.
OH, YEAH ?
UH, WHERE DID, WHERE DO YOU,
WHERE DO YOU BUY YOUR GLASSES, IN FRANCE ?
LOS ANGELES.
CAN HE TRY IT ON ?
UH, YOU KNOW WHAT ?
I DON'T REALLY LIKE PEOPLE TRYING MY GLASSES ON.
JUST FOR ONE MINUTE.
I'D RATHER NOT, I'M A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT, YEAH.
OH, HE'S A GUEST HERE, SO, LIKE...
I UNDERSTAND.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I NEED HIM TO TRY ON MY GLASS,
UH, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
NO !
OKAY.
THIS RUSSIAN IS NUTS.
HE JUST GRABBED FOR MY GLASSES.
OUT OF NOWHERE JUST GRABBED FOR YOUR GLASSES ?
JUST GRABBED MY GLASSES, HE WANTED TO TRY THEM ON.
I SAID I DON'T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE TRY MY GLASSES ON.
HE JUST GRABBED FOR THEM ?
YEAH, AND WHAT'S WITH THE NO SHOES ?
THAT'S GREAT, I HAVE TO HAVE DINNER
AND LOOK AT HIS DISGUSTING FEET ALL NIGHT ?
THEY'LL BE UNDER THE TABLE.
WHERE'S TED AND MARY ?
THEY HAD A MOVIE PREMIERE, THEY COULDN'T MAKE IT.
OH, TOO BAD, TOO BAD.
IT WOULD'VE BEEN NICE TO HAVE HIM HERE.
YEAH.
INSTEAD OF ALL THESE FUNKHOUSERS.
YEAH, IT'S A CHOCK FULL OF FUNKHOUSERS.
( Susie ) JEFFREY, I NEED YOU IN THE KITCHEN, HONEY.
ALRIGHT.
OSCAR, COME ON BOY, COME HERE BOY, YEAH.
WHO'S A GOOD BOY, YEAH, HE'S A GOOD BOY,
OH, WHAT A GOOD BOY, YEAH, GOOD BOY.
ENJOYING THE DOG ?
DINNER'S SERVED.
( Susie ) AND HE'S GONNA TAKE CARE OF TED'S DOG.
VERY GOOD.
YOU CAN STAY UP 'TIL 10, YOUNG LADY.
HI, LARRY.
HI, SAMMI.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF LIKE THAT GUY.
TAKE MY SHOES OFF LIKE THAT GUY, I DON'T THINK SO.
YOU COULD BE TWINS.
YEAH, I DON'T WANT TO BE TWINS WITH HIM.
OH, NO, COME ON, SAMMI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
SAMMI, SAMMI, COME ON, GIVE ME THAT SNEAKER, SAMMI.
HEY, LAR, YOU EVER HEAR OF DENTA FRIEND ?
DENTA FRIEND, NO.
IT'S A NEW SONIC TOOTHBRUSH
THAT WOULD REALLY GET RID OF YOUR PLAQUE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, GET RID OF MY PLAQUE ?
I DON'T HAVE ANY PLAQUE.
MY COUSIN'S HYGIENIST TOLD ME YOU HAD PLAQUE.
( speaking Russian )
YOUR COUSIN'S HYGIENIST TOLD YOU I HAVE A LOT OF PLAQUE ?
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ? PLAQUE IS NOT A SERIOUS DISEASE.
FIRST OF ALL, NUMBER ONE, I DON'T HAVE ANY PLAQUE.
( laughing )
NUMBER TWO, SHE SHOULDN'T BE TALKING ABOUT IT.
THAT'S A BREECH OF PATIENT/HYGIENIST CONFIDENTIALITY.
THERE IS NO PATIENT/HYGIENIST CONFIDENTIALITY.
YOU'RE SO WRONG, THERE IS SO.
IT'S UNETHICAL, MAYBE NOT LEGALLY
LIKE A DOCTOR OR A LAWYER,
BUT IT'S UNETHICAL IS WHAT HE'S SAYING.
IT'S TOTALLY UNETHICAL.
AND I DON'T HAVE ANY PLAQUE BY THE WAY.
DO I HAVE AN ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH ?
HE HAS AN ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH.
HOW OFTEN DO I FLOSS ?
AT LEAST TWICE A DAY.
TELL HIM I DON'T HAVE ANY PLAQUE,
OKAY, DID YOU TELL HIM THAT ?
YOU HAVE PLAQUE.
YOU WANT TO HAVE A PLAQUE CONTEST WITH ME, MARTY ?
ANY TIME YOU WANT.
LET'S HAVE A PLAQUE CONTEST.
FINE, YOU WANT TO.
CHALLENGE ME JUST LIKE YOU DO IN GOLF.
BY THE WAY, THAT TIP,
REMEMBER THE TIP I GAVE YOU AT BEN STILLER'S HOUSE ?
HAVE YOU TRIED IT ?
THE BEST TIP I EVER GOT.
FANTASTIC, YEAH. FANTASTIC TIP ?
HOLD IT, HOLD IT, I'VE GOT A TIP THAT WILL SAVE YOUR GAME.
CHANGE IT, IT'S THE EASIEST THING,
THE WEATHERMAN GAVE IT TO ME.
WEATHERMAN GAVE YOU A GOOD GOLF TIP ?
I PLAYED WITH HIM TWO WEEKS AGO,
AND IT'S CHANGED MY ENTIRE GAME, AND IT IS SO SIMPLE.
REALLY ? WHAT IS IT ?
LOCK YOUR HANDS THIS WAY AND HOLD IT.
WHICH WAY, OKAY.
YEAH, OKAY.
NOW, INSTEAD OF BRINGING YOUR HANDS BACK LIKE THIS.
RIGHT.
YOU START THE ROTATION--
( Sammi screaming )
SAMMI, WHAT IS IT ? WHAT, WHAT ?
WHAT IS THAT ? WHAT IS THIS ?
OH, IT'S DISGUSTING.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ?
HEY, WAIT A SECOND.
THAT'S A PICTURE OF MY TOOTH,
THE DENTIST TOOK IT FOR INSURANCE PURPOSES.
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT ?
IT JUST FELL OUT OF LARRY'S JACKET.
FELL OUT OF MY JACKET ?
WHAT ARE YOU LEAVING STUFF OUT LIKE THAT FOR ?
WHAT ARE YOU BRINGING THAT INTO A PERSON'S HOUSE FOR ?
SHE TOOK THE MAIL INTO MY CAR.
WHY WOULD YOU BRING IT INTO THEIR HOUSE ?
DISGUSTING, LARRY.
WELL, IT WAS IN MY POCKET, SHE WENT THROUGH MY POCKET.
YOU KNOW WHAT ? I THINK WE'RE GONNA LEAVE.
ALRIGHT, WE HAD A GREAT TIME, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OKAY I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS, WE'LL SEE YOU AT THE TESTIMONIAL.
CROWN, I WAS GETTING A CROWN, THAT'S ALL, AND...
SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH THE PAPERS.
CHERYL, IT'S DISGUSTING.
IT IS DISGUSTING, BELIEVE ME, I THINK WE'RE GONNA LEAVE.
I'M NOT FEELING VERY WELL.
WHAT, YOU'RE NOT WELL ?
NO, I HAD TOO MUCH CAKE.
OH.
OH, UM, I NEED MY, UH, MY SNEAKER.
LARRY, NOW IS NOT THE TIME, OKAY.
OK.
YOU CAN GO HOME WITHOUT YOUR SNEAKER.
ARE YOU DRIVING ?
YOU HAVE MORE SNEAKERS AT HOME.
OKAY, YOUR SOCK MIGHT GET DIRTY.
SAMMI, SAMMI, WHERE'S MY-- ?
( Cheryl ) LARRY !
IT'S OKAY, YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY.
YOU KNOW, SHE COULD HAVE TOLD ME WHERE THE SNEAKER WAS.
IT'S NOT THAT HARD.
IN THE CLOSET, THREE WORDS.
ONE WORD, CLOSET, HOW ABOUT THAT ?
HOW ABOUT THAT HYGIENIST ?
IT'S, LIKE, IF YOU GO TO A PROSTITUTE,
AND THE PROSTITUTE GOES AROUND TELLING EVERYBODY
YOU GOT A SMALL PENIS,
NOT THAT I'VE EVER BEEN TO A PROSTITUTE.
NOT THAT I HAVE A SMALL PENIS, YOU KNOW.
YOU PLUNK DOWN $300 FOR A HOOKER,
EXPECT HER TO KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT.
UGH.
I'M ONLY GUESSING $300, WHAT DO I KNOW ?
WHAT ?
MY STOMACH IS KILLING ME.
I AM NEVER GONNA EAT AT THEIR HOUSE AGAIN.
I SWEAR, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SUSIE DOES WHEN SHE COOKS,
BUT IT'S AWFUL.
YEAH, IT WAS REALLY PRETTY BAD, WASN'T IT ?
OH, MY GOD, IT WAS SO BAD.
I WAS TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF THROW UP.
THAT'S HOW BAD IT IS.
OH, GOD, POOR THING.
OH, JUST FEEL LIKE I NEED, UH...
OH, QUIET, QUIET, THE WEATHERMAN'S ON.
By the beaches it is a bit cool, around 70 degrees,
but tomorrow's forecast, folks, I'm sorry to say it,
it is rain, thundershowers,
the big ones, folks, all day.
So for you golfers out there,
better find something else to do.
I know I'll be watching that "Godfather" trilogy.
Jennifer, Stu, back to you.
( phone ringing )
HELLO.
HEY.
You listening to this ?
YEAH, I JUST SAW IT, LISTEN...
UH, I'M NOT GONNA PLAY.
WHAT ?
Come on, it's gonna rain.
HE'S ONLY SAYING IT'S GONNA RAIN.
WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE.
HE'S ONLY SAYING IT'S GONNA RAIN ?
IT'S HIS JOB, IT'S GONNA RAIN.
LET'S WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
AND AT LEAST TALK ON THE PHONE AND SEE...
No, no, no, you know what, I'm gonna stay home with Sammi.
WHAT ?
NO, SHE'S HAVING A TOUGH, TOUGH NIGHT,
AND I JUST THINK, IT'D BE BETTER
IF I STAYED HOME WITH HER TOMORROW.
HE'S NOT RIGHT ALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW.
WELL, HE'S RIGHT MOST OF THE TIME.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S GONNA RAIN TOMORROW, OKAY ?
OKAY.
BYE. Bye.
( splashing sounds )
AAH !
WHAT ?!
AAAH !
WHAT HAPPENED, LARRY ?
I FELL IN THE TOILET.
UH, DID YOU LEAVE THE SEAT UP ?
OH, I GUESS I DID WHEN I TRIED TO THROW UP.
OH, I'M SORRY.
OH, YOU GOTTA KEEP THE SEAT DOWN, CHERYL,
THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK, TO KEEP A SEAT DOWN !
SOAKING WET.
I HURT MY BACK, SOAKING WET, OH.
AAH...
WHAT'S WRONG ?
MY BACK, OH.
WHAT A LOUSY NIGHT'S SLEEP.
MAN, CHERYL...
IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT.
JEFF CANCELLED GOLF BECAUSE THE WEATHERMAN PREDICTED RAIN.
WELL, SOMETIMES THEY'RE WRONG, LARRY.
PREDICTS RAIN, DOESN'T RAIN,
IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED.
CHERYL, SOMETHING FISHY'S GOING ON HERE.
WHAT IF THE WEATHERMAN PREDICTS IT'S GONNA RAIN
JUST SO HE CAN KEEP PEOPLE OFF THE GOLF COURSE
AND HAVE IT FOR HIMSELF,
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT THEORY ?
I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS.
REALLY, DO YOU ?
MM-HMM.
SOMETHING ABOUT THAT WEATHERMAN I DON'T TRUST.
I DON'T LIKE THAT WEATHERMAN.
HE'S A VERY SLICK WEATHERMAN.
SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE REALLY ON TO SOMETHING.
I'M GONNA GO TO THAT GOLF COURSE.
WANT TO CHECK SOMETHING OUT.
GET MY CANE.
OH, BROTHER.
HEY, CHUCK.
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING, LARRY ?
NOT BAD.
HOW'S IT LOOKING OUT THERE ?
IT'S WIDE OPEN, MAN, HARDLY ANYBODY OUT THERE.
IS THAT RIGHT ?
YEAH, HMM, PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH
THAT WEATHER FORECAST.
YOU KNOW WHAT, PROBABLY DOES.
HUH.
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WEATHERMAN OUT THERE ?
WELL, YES, MATTER OF FACT, THERE HE IS WITH,
DR. FUNKHOUSER, COMING UP ON THE NINTH HOLE.
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ?
SO, UH, WHAT'S WITH THE CANE ?
FELL IN THE TOILET.
HEY, LAR.
HEY, LARRY, WHAT'S GOING ON ?
BEAUTIFUL DAY, HUH ?
YEAH, GREAT DAY FOR GOLF.
WHAT'S UP ?
YEAH, YOU KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO PLAY TODAY.
REALLY ?
THEN JEFF CALLED ME LAST NIGHT AND CANCELLED
BECAUSE OF YOUR WEATHER REPORT ABOUT THUNDER SHOWERS.
HE MADE A MISTAKE, SO WHAT, COME ON.
I SAID THERE WAS GONNA BE THUNDER SHOWERS ?
YEAH, YEAH.
OOPS.
UH-OH, OH, WOOP.
YEAH, OKAY, NICE TO SEE YOU.
TOO BAD FOR ME... TOO BAD FOR ME.
TAKE CARE.
I DON'T QUITE GET YOUR POINT.
ALRIGHT, WEATHERMAN, I'M GONNA TELL YOU MY POINT.
I'VE GOT A SNEAKING SUSPICION THAT YOU'RE PREDICTING RAIN
TO CLEAR THE GOLF COURSE FOR YOURSELF.
MY GOD, COME ON, LARRY.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS ?
THAT'S RIDICULOUS, LARRY, COME ON.
IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE, WEATHERMAN, YOU KNOW IT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ?
I'M CALLING THE WEATHER PEOPLE ON YOU.
AND YOU'RE GONNA SAY,
UH, REPORT ME BECAUSE IT'S A NICE DAY ?
I'M GONNA REPORT YOU BECAUSE EVERY TIME
YOU WANT TO PLAY GOLF, YOU MAKE SURE THAT IT'S RAINING.
LARRY, LARRY, FIRST OF ALL,
I'M NOT A WEATHERMAN, I'M A METEOROLOGIST.
I'D APPRECIATE A LITTLE BIT OF RESPECT.
OH, EXCUSE ME, DOCTOR.
CAN YOU GUYS JUST CALM DOWN ?
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A GAME OF GOLF HERE, ALRIGHT.
UH, LARRY ?
YES.
THERE'S A LOW PRESSURE SYSTEM SITTING OUT OVER THE COAST.
THE JET STREAM BRINGS THAT INTO THIS AREA.
THE JET STREAM IS CONTROLLED BY THE ROTATION OF THE EARTH.
YOU KNOW WHO CONTROLS THAT, GOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT, THERE'S A JET STREAM OF BULLSHIT
COMI OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, MY FRIEND.
YOU ARE BUSTED, BUDDY.
STOP POINTING WITH THE CANE.
YOU'RE BUSTED !
YEAH, DR. FUNKHOUSER,
I'D APPRECIATE IT NEXT TIME IN THE OFFICE,
DON'T ROLL UP MY SLEEVE IF I REQUEST YOU NOT TO, OKAY ?
LOOK AT, LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY SHIRT ?
WHAT DID I DO WITH IT ?
IT'S NOT CLINGING ANYMORE.
IT'S NOT CLINGING ?
IT'S NOT CLINGING TO THE WRIST THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO.
FINE, OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT.
AND, HEY, ONE MORE THING, OKAY.
WHAT ?
FROM NOW ON, DON'T TAKE ANY PICTURES OF MY MOUTH.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?
YOU ALMOST GAVE MY WIFE A HEART ATTACK
AND YOU TRAUMATIZED A LITTLE GIRL !
WHAT ?
HEY, WALTER BRENNAN,
THE BARN'S ON FIRE, THE BARN'S ON FIRE.
I'M TURNING YOU IN, WEATHERMAN.
HEY, LARRY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, BUDDY ?
FELL IN THE TOILET.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?
CHERYL LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP.
I FELL IN.
REALLY ?
YEAH.
WELL, DID YOU HURT YOURSELF ?
YEAH, I HURT MY BACK, YEAH.
I'M SORRY, I SHOULDN'T BE LAUGHING AT YOU.
THAT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S FUNNY, I GUESS.
YEAH, WELL, NO, I MEAN, IT'S...
HEY, YOU KNOW, SOMETHING'S THAT GOOD THAT I RAN INTO YOU,
MARY AND I WERE TALKING THIS MORNING, AND, UH,
WHAT WE DECIDED TO DO IS WE'RE GONNA GO AHEAD AND BOARD,
UH, ROXY, OUR DOG, UM...
WHAT ?
I KNOW YOU OFFERED TO TAKE CARE OF HER, BUT, UH,
I JUST THINK IT'S BETTER TO PUT IT INTO A KENNEL.
IT'S A SMALL DOG, WOULDN'T BE MUCH POINT ANY WAY.
I WAS KIND OF LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
I LIKE DOGS.
YEAH, UM, I JUST THINK, I JUST THINK, UH, YOU KNOW,
MAYBE NEXT TIME OR SOMETHING.
UM, BUT I REALLY APPRECIATE THE OFFER, I DO.
THANK YOU, THAT WAS VERY SWEET OF YOU.
TALK TO SUSIE TODAY BY ANY CHANCE ?
YEAH, I TALKED TO HER THIS MORNING.
I HAD TO APOLOGIZE FOR NOT BEING AT THE PARTY LAST NIGHT.
SHE MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT, UH, LAST NIGHT ?
YEAH, SHE WAS KIND OF MIFFED THAT WE DIDN'T CALL.
WE HAD TO GO SOMEPLACE ELSE.
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, BUT, UH, WHY ?
NO REASON.
UH, ALRIGHT, I'M GOING TO,
GONNA GO HIT SOME, HIT SOME BALLS.
I'LL SEE YA.
YEAH, SEE YA.
HEY.
CAME FOR MY SNEAKER.
ALRIGHT, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU ?
I FELL IN THE TOILET.
HOW'D YOU FALL IN THE TOILET ?
I WENT TO GO PEE AND THE SEAT WAS UP.
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH YOU ?
I PEE SITTING DOWN.
YOU PEE SITTING DOWN ?
YEAH, HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT ?
NO !
IT'S MORE COMFORTABLE,
WHEN YOU GET UP DURING THE NIGHT
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TURN THE LIGHT ON AND WAKE UP,
AND YOU GET TO READ.
WHAT ARE YOU READING ?
I'M READING A LOT OF STUFF.
WHAT STUFF ?
IF I PEE 20 TIMES DURING A DAY,
I CAN GET THROUGH THE WHOLE "NEW YORK TIMES", FOR GOD'S SAKE.
20 TIMES ?
YEAH, HEY, BUDDY, WHEN YOU'RE PEEING ALL OVER YOUR SHOE,
I'M LEARNING SOMETHING.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M PEEING OVER MY SHOE
WHILE YOU'RE LEARNING SOMETHING ?
ALRIGHT, JUST GET MY SNEAKER, WILL YOU ?
I DON'T NEED TO DISCUSS THIS.
( Susie ) JEFFREY, WHO'S THERE ?
LARRY.
CARMELITA, PUT OSCAR IN THE BEDROOM AND CLOSE THE DOOR.
( dog whimpering )
HEY.
HI, LAR.
GET THIS, THE WEATHERMAN IS A TOTAL FRAUD.
HE PREDICTS THUNDER SHOWERS SO NOBODY WILL SHOW UP
AND HE'LL HAVE THE GOLF COURSE TO HIMSELF.
I JUST CAME FROM THERE, HE'S PLAYING WITH YOUR COUSIN.
WHY DO YOU PEE SITTING DOWN ?
MANY REASONS.
YOU CRAP STANDING UP ?
BY THE WAY, YOU LEFT LAST NIGHT.
YOU WERE ABOUT TO GIVE ME THE WEATHERMAN'S TIP
AND YOU NEVER GAVE IT TO ME.
I CAN'T.
HE JUST CALLED ME ON MY CELL PHONE
AND SAID "DON'T GIVE IT TO LARRY."
WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
WELL, HE'S NOT AN ASSHOLE, HE HAS HIS TIPS.
HE IS AN ASSHOLE.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU ?
CHERYL GOT NAUSEOUS FROM YOUR DINNER LAST NIGHT,
AND SHE LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP,
AND THEN I WENT TO PEE AND FELL ON THE TOILET.
SHE DIDN'T GET SICK FROM MY DINNER, LARRY, OKAY ?
HEY, HOW ARE YOU FEELING ?
I'M NOT FEELING GREAT.
YEAH, MARTY, YOU'RE NEVER FEELING GREAT, OKAY.
AND LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
WHAT ?
YOU TALK TO TED DANSON TODAY BY ANY CHANCE ?
YEAH, HE CALLED TO SEE HOW THE PARTY WENT.
MM, 'CAUSE I WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF HIS DOG,
AND THEN SUDDENLY HE TOLD ME I DIDN'T NEED TO.
MM, I WONDER WHY.
YEAH, I WONDER.
I'LL GET YOUR SNEAKER.
HEY, MARTY, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
DOES YOUR FATHER HAVE GOOD HODGKIN'S ?
OSCAR ATE IT.
Well, I am the good news, bad news kid.
The good news is, folks, that wonderful weather
we've been enjoying here all week
in the whole Los Angeles basin, that's gonna continue tonight,
and all day tomorrow, Saturday.
So if you're going to the Leo Funkhouser testimonial,
I'll see you there.
We're gonna have a wonderful day and Leo,
nobody deserves this more than you do.
but the bad news is we have a cold weather front
that's gonna push in around midnight Saturday night.
We're gonna have thunder showers all day Sunday
and they're gonna continue all the way into Monday.
Folks, don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger.
Alright, back to you.
( Larry ) I'M NOT REALLY DRESSED APPROPRIATELY FOR THIS THING.
( Cheryl ) I THINK YOU'RE FINE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHAT'S THIS ?
THESE ARE NAME TAGS.
NAME TAGS ?
MM-HMM.
OKAY.
WHAT FOR ?
EVERYBODY WEARS NAME TAGS.
WHAT ?
THANK YOU.
HI, HI CHERYL.
HI SAUL.
JUST PUTTING ON OUR NAME TAGS.
NAME TAGS ?
YEAH, EVERYBODY'S WEARING A NAME TAG.
WHY, WHAT'S WRONG ?
I GOTTA WEAR A NAME TAG ?
YOU'RE A LITTLE TOO SOPHISTICATED TO WEAR A NAME TAG ?
COME ON, LARRY.
NO, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT.
IT HAS TO DO WITH MY JACKET.
IF I PUT THIS ON, IT'S GONNA LEAVE
LITTLE PAPER REMNANTS ON IT, IT'S GONNA RUIN THE SUEDE.
LOOK, THIS COMES OFF, IT GOES ON, ALRIGHT.
IT'S JUST LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT ?
YOU ALREADY RUINED A SHIRT OF MINE BY ROLLING UP MY SLEEVE.
THERE, OKAY, IT'S ON, YOU'RE GONNA GO CELEBRATE
WITH EVERYBODY ELSE, RIGHT ?
COME ON, LET'S JUST GO INSIDE, OKAY, WHAT DO YOU SAY ?
OKAY.
ALRIGHT, OKAY, FINE, THANK YOU FOR COMING, CHERYL.
THANK YOU, SAUL, OH.
IT'LL BE FINE, IT'S NOT VERY NICE SUEDE ANYWAY.
OKAY.
DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA IT WAS GONNA BE THIS BIG ?
HERE'S OUR, HERE'S OUR TABLE.
HEY, THERE'S JEFF.
HEY, LAR, WHAT'S UP ?
YOU GUYS AREN'T AT OUR TABLE ?
NO, WHY DON'T YOU SWITCH, NOBODY'S GONNA NOTICE.
I DON'T KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE.
SWITCH 'EM.
COME ON, WHO'S GONNA KNOW ?
IT'S LIKE THEY DO THIS TO US ON PURPOSE.
EXCUSE ME, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
NO, I'M JUST MAKING SURE ALL THE PLACE CARDS
ARE WHERE THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE, THAT'S IT.
THIS IS MINE AND MY HUSBAND'S.
OH, YEAH, OKAY, JENNY AND SAM, I THINK THIS IS...
OH, AND YOU'RE LARRY, LARRY DAVID.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE AT THIS TABLE, YEAH.
UH, LISTEN, I HEARD ABOUT YOUR TOOTH PLAQUE PROBLEM, AND--
THE WHAT ?
YOUR PROBLEM, YOU KNOW, WITH YOUR TOOTH PLAQUE.
NO, NO, NO, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PLAQUE.
WHERE'D YOU GET THIS FROM ?
WELL, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHO SAID IT.
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT ?
THE HYGIENIST, DID SHE TELL YOU, HUH ?
I, I REALLY...
WHO, DR. FUNKHOUSER ?
LISTEN, I KNOW ABOUT THIS REALLY GREAT PRODUCT
THAT COULD HELP YOU OUT.
I DON'T HAVE A TOOTH PLAQUE PROBLEM.
I FLOSS PROBABLY MORE OFTEN THAN ANYBODY IN THIS ROOM.
GOOD, DON'T NEED TO KNOW.
OKAY, JUST DO ME A FAVOR, OKAY.
N'T MENTION THIS.
DON'T BE SO SENSITIVE.
IT'S NOT SOMETHING I DIDN'T GROW UP DREAMING OF DOING THIS.
IN FACT, IT'S NOT SOMETHING I EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT.
IT'S JUST SOMETHING THAT I WAS GOOD AT.
I KIND OF HAD THE VOICE FOR IT SOMETHING I...
WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE OLD RELIABLE WEATHERMAN.
HEY, LARRY, WHERE'S YOUR CANE ?
BACK'S ALL BETTER.
GOOD, GOOD, YEAH, NICE.
SO, UH, YOU CALLED MARTY FUNKHOUSER,
SPECIFICALLY TOLD HIM NOT TO GIVE ME THE TIP ?
YEAH, EXACTLY WHAT I DID.
I GOT A LITTLE TIP FOR YOU, WEATHERMAN, OKAY ?
OKAY.
EXPECT TO FIND A LITTLE COMPANY TOMORROW
WHEN YOU'RE ON THE GOLF COURSE.
I HEARD YOUR LITTLE BULLSHIT REPORT LAST NIGHT--
LAR ? YEAH.
BRING A RAIN COAT.
IT'S GONNA THUNDER SHOWER ALL DAY TOMORROW.
YOU WON'T SEE ME OUT THERE.
OH, I'M REALLY WORRIED, WEATHERMAN, YEAH.
YEAH, REALLY, IT'S GONNA, BRING A SLICKER.
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK TOMORROW, BUDDY.
GOOD TO SEE YOUR BACK'S BETTER.
YEAH.
WELL, THIS IS A GREAT DAY AS YOU ALL KNOW
HERE AT ROLLING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB.
35 YEARS AGO TO THIS DATE,
MY FATHER LEO FUNKHOUSER JOINED THIS CLUB.
AND AT THE TIME WE WERE THE FIRST AND ONLY JEWISH FAMILY,
AND TODAY WE STILL ARE, BUT WE LOVE THIS PLACE.
IT'S GREAT TO SEE ALL YOUR FACES HERE.
AND, UH, THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL DAY FOR ALL OF US.
YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT OFTEN THAT A SON GETS TO HONOR HIS FATHER
IN FRONT OF HIS FRIENDS.
IT'S USUALLY AFTER THE FACT.
AND I'M SO PROUD OF MY DAD, HE'S MEANT SO MUCH TO ME.
WHEN WE WERE LITTLE, AND I WAS A BABY...
OH LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT THAT.
THAT'S IT, THAT'S THE END OF THE JACKET...
WHEN I WAS THREE YEARS OLD HE COULDN'T DO IT ANY MORE
'CAUSE I WAS TALLER THAN HE WAS.
WELL, WHAT A GREAT DAY.
UH, THERE'S NOT A LOT I CAN SAY.
LEO, RIGHT NOW, AS YOU ALL KNOW, HAS RETIRED.
MY MOM COULDN'T BE HERE TONIGHT OF COURSE.
SHE PASSED AWAY 10 YEARS AGO...
( speaking Russian )
EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT,
'CAUSE IT'S VERY, IT'S LOUD.
I HAVE TO TRANSLATE TO MY HUSBAND.
HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.
I UNDERSTAND, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT,
JUST BE A LITTLE QUIETER, THAT'S ALL.
YEAH, DRINK YOUR TEA OR COFFEE, WHATEVER YOU SAID,
MY HUSBAND SAID.
I'M JUST TRYING TO HEAR WHAT,
I'M TRYING TO HEAR WHAT YOUR COUSIN HAS TO SAY.
YEAH, SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
YOU CAN SEE YOUR PLAQUE.
WHAT DID HE SAY ?
SHUT MY MOUTH, I DON'T HAVE ANY PLAQUE.
YOU TELL HIM I DON'T HAVE ANY PLAQUE, OKAY, YEAH.
YEAH, YOU HAVE FULL MOUTH FULL OF PLAQUE.
OH, YEAH, AT LEAST I DON'T HIDE MY BALDNESS WITH A YARMULKE.
HUH, HE HAS MORE HAIR THAN YOU DO.
I'LL BET YOU GOT NOTHING UNDER.
OKAY, HE'LL SHOW IT TO YOU IF YOU'LL SHOW HIM GLASSES.
YOU TELL HIM YOU DON'T TOUCH MY GLASSES, YEAH.
DON'T YOU TOUCH THOSE, DON'T TOUCH.
LARRY.
OH, I HURT MY BACK AGAIN.
LET'S BRING THE ROOF DOWN FOR MY FATHER,
LEO FUNKHOUSER.
( applause )
LARRY, GET UP.
I CAN'T, I HURT MY BACK.
STAND UP.
CAN'T.
I HURT MY BACK.
LARRY, GET UP.
GET UP.
HURTS.
I CAN'T.
GET UP.
I CAN'T.
I HURT MY BACK.
I HURT MY BACK, OH, OH.
GET UP.
IT HAD TO FREAKING RAIN.
IT HAD TO FREAKING RAIN !
( thunder )
Captions Copyright 2003 HOME BOX OFFICE, INC.
Captioned by HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER