( theme music playing )
Leon: SOMEBODY NEED TO TALK TO THE MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M SO HAPPY YOU CALLED ME. HE'S JUST MOPING AROUND?
I MEAN, WE ALL ARE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT HIM, MAN.
THIS CHERYL THING'S GOT HIM CRAZY.
THIS CHERYL THING'S GOT HIM TWISTED, MAN, FOR REAL.
HE'S UP THERE MOPING, MAN. MOPY DICK, THAT'S WHAT HE IS.
- MOBY DICK. - NO, MOPY DICK.
- NO, IT'S CALLED MOBY DICK. - WHO'S FUCKING MOBY DICK?
"MOBY DICK" IS THE BOOK BY MELVILLE.
- WHO'S FUCKING MOBY DICK? - WHERE DID YOU HEAR MOBY DICK FROM?
MOPY DICK, MAN. HIS DICK IS MOPING.
- OH, LITERALLY MOPY DICK? - YEAH, MOPY DICK.
OKAY, LET'S GO UP AND GET HIS MOPY-ASS DICK OUT OF BED.
- LET'S GO. - I LIKE THE WAY YOU OPERATE, MAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU'RE STRAIGHTFORWARD. I LIKE THAT SHIT.
( knocks on door )
- WHAT? - ( door opens )
- Jeff: GOTTA COME IN? - Leon: COMING IN, MAN.
- HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON? - I DON'T KNOW.
I FUCKED UP MY LIFE.
- HOW DID YOU FUCK UP YOUR LIFE? WHAT DID YOU DO? - WITH CHERYL.
- OH, CHERYL. - OH, MAN, THIS CHERYL SHIT AGAIN.
COME ON, MAN.
THE STUPID CALL FROM THE PLANE-- I DIDN'T--
YOU WERE BUSY WITH THE TiVo GUY.
BUSY WITH THE TiVo GUY. YEAH, I WAS BUSY WITH THE TIVO GUY.
Leon: YOUR BRAIN IS ALL FUCKING DISCOMBOBULATED, MAN.
YOU NEED TO FOCUS ON SOME ASS.
I'M JUST NEVER GONNA MEET ANYBODY LIKE HER AGAIN,
EVER EVER.
I'M NOT DISPUTING THAT, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO MEET SOMEBODY ELSE.
- YOU'VE GOT TO MOVE ON. - THERE'S NOBODY THAT COMPARES TO HER.
I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE BEING WITH ANYBODY ELSE.
LISTEN, MAN, YOU'VE GOT TO GET OUT THERE AND DO STUFF.
GET DOWN THERE AND GET BREAKFAST. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IS SHE GOING TO SAMMIE'S BAT MITZVAH?
YEAH, SHE'S COMING TO THE BAT MITZVAH.
SHE'S BRINGING THAT GUY TOO.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? WE DIDN'T PICK SIDES.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE GOT TO SEE HER WITH THIS GUY
- AT SAMMIE'S BAT MITZVAH. - WELL, WHO ARE YOU GONNA BRING?
- NOBODY. - Both: YOU'VE GOT TO BRING SOMEBODY.
BRING SOMEBODY? WHO AM I GONNA BRING?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA FIND HER HERE, LYING LIKE THIS. COME ON.
YEAH, YOU GOTTA FIND SOMEBODY, MAN.
- I'M NOT A GOOD DATER. I CAN'T DATE. - WHY CAN'T YOU DATE?
YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE IN YOUR LARRY SHELL RIGHT NOW.
YOU'VE GOT TO BECOME ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT NOW.
LARRY, GROW A MUSTACHE, MAN. GROW A GOATEE,
A MUSTACHE, GROW SIDEBURNS. BECOME ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKER, MAN.
- YOU FEEL ME? - IT'S NOT BAD ADVICE.
IT'S NOT BAD ADVICE. BUT ANYTHING TO GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED.
GET YOUR ASS OUT OF-- WH--?
- WHAT WAS THAT? - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU'VE GOT BEDBUGS? WHAT'S GOING ON?
OH, NOTHING. JUST A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.
- LISTEN, I DID MY PART. GET YOUR ASS UP. - OKAY, THANKS.
- I'VE GOT TO GO TO WORK, ALL RIGHT? - THANKS, YEAH.
- I'LL SEE YOU LATER. - GOOD WORK, MAN.
HEY, I'LL GET HIM UP. HEY, MAN, LET'S ROLL, L.D.
COME ON DOWNSTAIRS, MAN. THE FAMILY WANTS TO TALK TO YOU A LITTLE BIT.
- ALL RIGHT, I'M TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF. - YEAH, COME ON DOWNSTAIRS.
- THAT'S IT. NO MORE OF THIS SHIT. - WE WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
- OKAY, NO MORE. - YEAH, GET OUT. LET'S GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
- I'M GETTING IT TOGETHER. - YEAH, THINK ABOUT THAT BEARD SHIT.
- OKAY, ALL RIGHT. - THINK ABOUT THAT MUSTACHE.
( chattering, laughing )
LOOK WHO I FOUND.
- HEY. - HEY, L.D.!
- HOW ARE YOU DOING? - Auntie Rae: YEAH.
- EH, I THINK OKAY. I THINK I'LL BE ALL RIGHT. - GOOD.
- I'M FINE. - GOOD.
YOU KNOW WHAT? MY MIND IS MADE UP.
- I AM FORGETTING ABOUT HER AS OF NOW. - OKAY.
- THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. - AS OF NOW.
- L.D., YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE, TRUST ME. - Leon: IT'S A NEW DAY.
HE'LL BE THE LAST MAN STANDING.
SO WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT?
LORETTA, YOU WANT TO...?
UM, OUR HOUSE IS READY
AND WE'RE GONNA GO HOME.
YEAH YEAH. THE LADY CALLED TODAY.
- WE'RE OUT FOR REAL. - Auntie Rae: WE ARE.
- WE'RE NOT KIDDING YOU. WE'RE OUT. - NO, FOR REAL.
- HE'S SPEECHLESS. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. - WELL...
- I AM SPEECHLESS. - ( all laughing )
- YOU TOO? - I'M OUT OF HERE TOO.
I'VE GOT A LITTLE BOO DOWN THERE I'MA HOLLA AT.
I KNOW IT LOOKED LIKE WE WEREN'T GONNA EVER GET OUT OF HERE, THOUGH,
- BUT... - WELL...
- YOU GOTTA GO-- YOU GOTTA GO. - YEAH.
- WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU, THOUGH. - WE ARE.
YOU CAN ALWAYS COME VISIT NOW.
- EH, LET'S NOT GO CRAZY. - ( chattering, laughing )
- MY GERBIL'S GONE. - Loretta: WHAT?
- MY GERBIL'S GONE. - Auntie Rae: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR GERBIL'S GONE?
WELL, COME ON. LET'S GO FIND IT.
- CHILL OUT. WE'RE COOL. - CHILL OUT?
THERE'S A GERBIL RUNNING AMOK IN MY HOUSE. COME ON, HELP ME FIND IT.
Antoinette: OKAY, THANK YOU. ( hangs up )
- HEY, LARRY. - YEAH.
- THE BUILDING MANAGER JUST CALLED. - YEAH?
IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS SOMEBODY'S GONNA COME
AND LOOK AT THAT OFFICE ACROSS FROM YOU.
- ARE YOU KIDDING? - NO.
OH, I DREADED THIS DAY. I DON'T WANT ANYBODY
MOVING IN ACROSS THE HALL.
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE PRIVACY HERE.
I KNOW. LARRY, THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO.
WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE CONTROL OF THE THERMOSTAT.
- THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S IN THERE. - YEAH, IT'S IN THERE.
WHY DON'T WE TAKE THAT OFFICE THEN?
I'M NOT GONNA PAY FOR AN OFFICE I'M NOT USING.
WELL, SOMEBODY'S GONNA TAKE IT IF YOU DON'T TAKE IT.
HOW DO YOU STOP SOMEBODY FROM RENTING IT?
THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.
HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU KNOW, I FEEL A LITTLE BETTER TODAY. - DO YOU?
- I'VE BEEN PRETTY DEPRESSED. - YOU SEEM BETTER. YOU LOOK GOOD.
YEAH, I FEEL BETTER. I'M FEELING LIKE I'M READY,
BUT I HATE BEING SINGLE. I JUST HATE IT.
- I KNOW, LARRY. I'M SORRY. - I WANT TO MEET SOMEBODY.
I SWEAR TO GOD, I CAN GET MARRIED AGAIN IN A MONTH IF I COULD.
OH, LARRY. LARRY DAVID, YOU ARE A ROMANTIC.
AM I? DO YOU THINK I AM?
OH, I FORGOT. MATT TESSLER CALLED AND SAID,
"HEY, I'M IN THE BUILDING. I THOUGHT I'D DROP BY."
- HE'S IN THE BUILDING? - YEAH.
HE SAID HE KNOWS YOU, "SEINFELD" DAYS.
YEAH, HE DIRECTED FOUR "SEINFELDS."
HE WAS TERRIBLE, THOUGH. HE WAS A TERRIBLE DIRECTOR.
- OH, I REMEMBER MATT. - WHAT DOES HE WANT?
LEWIS IS DOING A PILOT NOW, AND I'LL BET HE WANTS ME TO RECOMMEND HIM.
- YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT THE SON... - OH MY GOSH, THAT'S RIGHT.
...WHO'S GOT THE MUSCULAR ISSUES.
M.S. OR M.D. OR...?
I DON'T KNOW. THERE'S SOMETHING.
I COULD SAY THAT YOU HAD TO LEAVE,
- YOU HAD AN IMPORTANT MEETING. - EH...
- LARRY DAVID. LARRY DAVID, HOW YA DOING? - HEY, MATT TESSLER!
- WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU. - GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HEY, MATT, WHAT'S GOING ON? NICE TO SEE YOU. HOW ARE YOU?
- YOU'RE WELL? YOU LOOK GOOD. - YEAH.
- YOU LOOK PRETTY GOOD YOURSELF. - OH, THANKS, THANKS.
- YEAH, I'M DOING OKAY, DOING OKAY. - LOOK AT THIS.
- WORKING MY ASS OFF, YEAH. - NICE.
I'M JUST, YOU KNOW-- I'M KIND OF STUCK
- IN A DRAMEDY GHETTO. - REALLY?
WELL, I DID THE CANCER SCARE EPISODE OF "HOME IMPROVEMENT,"
- SO I GOT TYPED AS THIS GUY WHO DOES TICKER. - OH, JEEZ.
NOW THEY WANT ME TO DO ALL THE TEARDROP STUFF.
I WANT TO GET BACK TO THE FUNNY, TO THE SHTOOMY.
- THE SHTOOMY, YEAH. - ARE YOU AND RICHARD LEWIS STILL TIGHT?
- IS THERE ANY WAY YOU CAN JUST GIVE HIM A--? - I'M REALLY NOT...
- YOU'RE NOT TIGHT ANYMORE? - NOT REALLY TIGHT.
'CAUSE THEY'RE FLOATING MY NAME TO DIRECT HIS PILOT
AND I JUST WOULD LOVE TO BE IN ON THAT.
WELL, IF I RUN INTO HIM, I'LL, YOU KNOW--
YEAH, IF I HAD A RECOMMENDATION FROM YOU, THOUGH,
THAT WOULD MEAN THAT I'D HAVE A SHOT AT THIS.
THE SITCOM-- YOU KNOW, I'D COME IN AT 9:00-10:00,
- I'D GET A CHANCE TO SEE MY SON IN THE MORNING... - IT'S A GREAT--
...I'D GET A CHANCE TO SEE HIM AT NIGHT. SO ANYTHING YOU COULD DO
TO RECOMMEND ME TO RICHARD WOULD BE JUST GREAT.
YEAH, I'LL-- I'LL RECOMMEND YOU.
- BLESS YOUR HEART. BLESS YOUR HEART. - YEAH.
HEY, LARRY, DO YOU STILL HAVE THAT TICKLE IN YOUR ANUS?
I CANNOT GET YOU AN APPOINTMENT FOR TWO WEEKS.
WHAT?
ARE YOU EXPERIENCING DISCOMFORT?
TICKLE IN MY-- WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FROM? - THAT'S NOTHING TO JOKE AROUND ABOUT.
- WHO WERE YOU TRYING TO GET AN APPOINTMENT WITH? - ROSENBERG.
ROSENBERG IS A GOOD MAN. I'VE GOT A BETTER ONE.
( clicks finger ) PENCIL.
CALL THIS MAN-- DR. JAY WHITNEY.
MY WIFE'S COUSIN KAI-- SHE RUNS THE OFFICE.
- OH, SHE DOES? - SHE CAN OPEN ALL THE DOORS,
AND NOT JUST THE BACK ONE, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SERIOUSLY, SHE CAN GET YOU IN TODAY.
- YEAH. - YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
IT'S NICE OF YOU, BUT THERE'S REALLY NOTHING WRONG.
WHY DID YOU SAY I HAVE A TICKLE IN MY ANUS?
ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY, HUH? A TICKLE IN MY ANUS?
- SHE'S JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOU. - WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?
I DON'T HAVE A TICKLE. WHO SAID THAT?
LOOK, I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA GO.
LOOK, I THINK I'VE GIVEN YOU THE WRONG IMPRESSION.
- LARRY'S ANUS IS FINE. - SHUT THE FUCK UP, OKAY?
SHUT THE FUCK UP! SORRY.
ALL I'M SAYING IS, DON'T TAKE ANY CHANCES HERE, OKAY?
- THIS IS SERIOUS, ALL RIGHT? - YEAH, NO.
- GOOD, 'CAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU-- - YEAH, THANKS.
- --NOT JUST 'CAUSE-- - GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- AND YOU. - I'M GONNA CALL RICHIE RIGHT NOW.
- THANKS, ANT-- - ANTOINETTE.
- YEAH. - I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.
- OKAY, THANK YOU, LARRY. THANKS SO MUCH. - OKAY.
Hi, it's Richard. Leave a message.
- ( machine beeps ) - HEY, RICHARD, IT'S LARRY.
MATT TESSLER JUST ASKED ME
TO RECOMMEND HIM FOR YOUR PILOT...
( slowly ) ...SO THIS IS ME CALLING
TO RECOMMEND--
"RECOMMEND" HIM.
SO IN CASE HE EVER ASKS YOU
IF I RECOMMENDED HIM, YOU CAN TELL HIM
THAT IN FACT I DID
RECOMMEND HIM.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
- HI. - HI.
JUST SIGN IN, PLEASE, AND HAVE A SEAT.
SHOULDN'T BE TOO LONG.
I HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH THIS--
( chuckles ) THESE SIGN-IN SHEETS, YOU KNOW.
MY NAME'S RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN HERE.
IT'S A BIT OF A PRIVACY ISSUE.
THERE'S NO SHAME IN HAVING TO COME
TO THE GASTROENTEROLOGIST'S OFFICE.
IT'S A LITTLE EMBARRASSING MAYBE, YOU KNOW.
WE COULD JUST PUT A SIGN UP ON THE WALL SAYING,
"LARRY DAVID WAS HERE." WHY DON'T WE DO THAT?
YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO TELL YOU
I'VE WORKED HERE FOR FOUR YEARS
AND I'VE NEVER HAD ANYONE COME IN
AND, LIKE, CRUISE THE LIST OF PATIENT NAMES
FOR ANY REASON.
WHAT IF YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF THIS, OKAY,
SO THIS IS DOWN HERE? YOU KEEP THAT.
I DON'T LIKE THAT. FIRST OF ALL,
I ONLY GET PAID $9 AN HOUR,
SO IT'S A LITTLE MORE RESPONSIBILITY THAN I'M USED TO,
TO KEEP TRACK OF PATIENTS.
SECOND OF ALL, I CAN'T EVEN MAKE DECISIONS.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT UP WITH THE HOME OFFICE.
I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE IT UP WITH THE HOME OFFICE.
- SEE, YOU DIDN'T THINK I WAS GONNA TAKE YOU UP ON THAT. - NO, I DID THINK YOU WERE.
- YOU STRIKE ME AS A HIGH-- - WELL, THINGS LIKE THIS INTEREST ME.
I'M NOT AN INVENTOR, BUT I'M AN IMPROVER.
I IMPROVE THINGS THAT ARE BROKEN.
THIS IS BROKEN. THIS SYSTEM IS BROKEN.
I'D LIKE TO IMPROVE IT.
GREAT. I'M ASSUMING YOU'RE A NEW PATIENT,
'CAUSE I THINK I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED YOU.
- SO PLEASE FILL THAT OUT. - OKAY.
( chuckles ) WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF I SAT THERE, HUH?
YOU'D BE A LITTLE FREAKED OUT IF I SAT THERE, WOULDN'T YOU, HONESTLY?
- A LITTLE BIT. A LITTLE BIT. - I THINK A LOT.
YEAH, THAT'S A LITTLE CREEPY. ( chuckles )
WHAT ARE YOU READING?
IT IS CALLED "SHOWBIZ INSIDER."
- REALLY? - I LIKE TO FEEL LIKE AN INSIDER WHEN--
- PRETTY HEADY STUFF. WOW. - YES, VERY HEADY STUFF.
MANY ARE CALLED. FEW ARE CHOSEN.
YOU MUST BE VERY VERY BRIGHT.
YES.
WHERE ARE YOU FROM, NEW YORK?
- I'M PICKING UP AN ACCENT. - YEAH.
YEAH. YOU FROM NEW YORK?
YEAH.
BUT I'M NOT A JEW, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
- ( laughs ) - 'CAUSE I SAW YOUR WHEELS SPINNING.
THAT'S UNCANNY. IT'S LIKE THERE'S A WINDOW INTO MY SOUL
AND YOU CAN JUST REALLY READ ME.
I READ YOU LOUD AND CLEAR, SISTER.
- YES. - YEAH.
ARE YOU OKAY, BY THE WAY? DO YOU HAVE ANY--
YOU HAVE SOME TERRIBLE MEDICAL PROBLEM THAT BROUGHT YOU HERE?
I'M FINE. A CHECKUP.
- A CHECKUP? - MMM.
HMM, REALLY?
YOU?
- A CHECKUP. - REALLY?
- YEAH. - HUH.
- HOW ABOUT THAT? - LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION:
DID YOU EVER GO OUT WITH A BALD GUY?
( laughs ) YEAH.
HOW DID YOU FIND IT?
IT WAS MAGICAL.
- YEAH? SEE? - YES.
HOW AM I DOING ON THE FLIRT SO FAR?
- HOW WOULD YOU ASSESS IT? - UM...
- PRETTY GOOD? - I'M-- WELL, 7.5.
- 7.5? REALLY? - 7.5, YEAH.
- YOU'RE TOUGH. - LARRY DAVID?
- YOU'RE UP. - ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THEY HAVE CALLED FOR ME.
LARRY?
I GUESS I'LL GO IN FOR MY CHECKUP.
- A CHECKUP. - NICE TALKING TO YOU.
GOOD LUCK.
SO LONG.
HELLO, MR. DAVID. HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD. - GOOD. ALL RIGHT.
OH, YOU KNOW MY COUSIN, MATT TESSLER.
OH, MATT'S YOUR COUSIN? OH, YEAH.
OH, RIGHT. OH, THANK YOU FOR THIS...
YEAH, SURE SURE SURE.
SO LET ME ASK YOU, MR. DAVID,
WHY ARE YOU HERE TO SEE THE DOCTOR?
UM...
I'D JUST AS SOON TELL THE DOCTOR.
IT'S OKAY. I'VE GOT TO TAKE ALL OF THE INFORMATION FIRST
AND I GIVE IT TO THE DOCTOR. SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME THE REASON YOU'RE HERE?
I KNOW, BUT IF THE DOCTOR'S GONNA COME IN HERE,
WHY NOT JUST TELL THE DOCTOR? I DON'T SEE WHY
I NEED TO TELL YOU AND-- THEN YOU HAVE TO TELL THE DOCTOR.
- WELL... - WHY NOT JUST TELL HIM DIRECTLY?
I'M GOING TO NEW YORK. WHY AM I STOPPING OFF IN FLORIDA?
MM-HMM. OUR POLICY IS THAT I TAKE THE INFORMATION DOWN FIRST
AND I GIVE IT TO HIM. HE'LL COME IN AND GO OVER THIS.
SO HE'LL HAVE IT ALL WRITTEN DOWN.
HE WON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL OF THE QUESTIONS AGAIN.
- THIS WHOLE THING IS ASKEW, YOUR SYSTEM. - MM-HMM.
THE DOCTOR SHOULD BE IN HERE RIGHT NOW. WE COULD BE SAVING TIME.
HE'S GOT OTHER PATIENTS THAT HE'S DEALING WITH,
SO WHAT I'M HERE-- I PRETTY MUCH CUT THE TIME IN HALF WITH HIM.
CUT THE TIME IN HALF? SO YOU INTERCEPT HIM IN THE HALL?
HE'S GONNA GET THE INFORMATION AND THEN WHAT,
RUN TO THE INTERNET TO LOOK IT UP? NO.
- HE'S GONNA HEAR IT FROM YOU. - THE DOCTORS AND THE NURSES WORK HAND IN HAND.
I JUST NEED THE INFORMATION. IF YOU COULD JUST GIVE IT TO ME--
I'M NOT THAT COMFORTABLE TELLING YOU, FRANKLY.
I NEED TO TAKE IT DOWN BEFORE I CAN LEAVE.
OKAY, I HAVE A GERBIL UP MY ASS.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN THERE?
TWO DAYS.
OKAY, THANK YOU. THE DOCTOR WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
FINE. HAPPY?
- Man: MR. DAVID. - HELLO, DOCTOR.
- LARRY, NICE TO SEE YOU. - OKAY.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD TELL ME
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM.
HEY, WHAT HAPPENED--
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SIGN-IN SHEET?
OH, I CALLED OUR CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS
OFF YOUR SUGGESTION AND THEY LOVED IT.
- SO THERE'S A NEW POLICY. - WHAT?
IT'S PRIVATE, JUST LIKE YOU WANTED.
NO NO NO, I DON'T WANT THAT.
YOU'RE LISTENING TO ME? I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
PUT THE SIGN-IN SHEET BACK ON.
- I CAN'T. NO. - WHAT?
YOU CAN'T SEE THIS NOW.
FIRST OF ALL, I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING,
- OKAY? - YES.
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE
FOR THE WAY I BEHAVED EARLIER.
MR. DAVID,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO PLAY GAMES WITH ME.
- I DON'T? - NO.
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR CHRISTOPHER?
NO.
- ANDREW? - KEEP GOING.
PAULA?
AHA.
- YOU CANNOT TELL. I COULD GET FIRED. - NO NO NO, NEVER.
- NO NO NO NO. - I HAVE NO FORMAL EDUCATION.
- NO NO NO NO NO. - OKAY.
BE CAREFUL.
- THANK YOU. - SHE LOOKS LIKE A LIVE WIRE.
- Jeff: YOU CALLED HER? - Larry: YEAH.
SO WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE HER ON A DATE?
I'M GONNA TAKE HER TO THE MOVIES MAYBE.
THAT'S GREAT.
THE QUESTION IS, WHY WAS SHE AT THAT--
WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR WAS THAT AGAIN?
- MM, GASTROENTEROLOGIST. - SO WHAT WAS SHE DOING THERE?
- THAT'S THE QUESTION. - OH MY GOD.
WHY WAS SHE THERE? I DON'T KNOW.
I HOPE SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME THING I DO.
WELL, THAT'S A GOOD THING. IT'LL GO AWAY.
YEAH.
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION:
HOW MUCH WILL YOU GIVE ME TO START GARGLING NOW?
- 50 BUCKS. - YOU'LL GIVE ME 50 BUCKS?
- 50 BUCKS. - TAKE IT OUT OF YOUR POCKET.
MM-HMM. MMM.
JUST DO IT. WHAT, YOU DON'T TRUST ME?
( gargles )
( laughs ) THERE YOU GO.
- I JUST GOT 50 BUCKS. - NO, NOW THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
- NO, YOU CAN'T DO THAT. - NO, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I WOULD HAVE PAID THAT HAPPILY. IT WAS SO ENJOYABLE.
IT WAS SO ENJOYABLE AND YOU RUINED IT WITH "I JUST GOT 50 BUCKS."
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION: TESSLER'S STILL ONE OF YOUR CLIENTS?
YEAH. HE'S COMING TO THE BAT MITZVAH.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS COMING TO THE BAT MITZVAH?
MY NEWEST CLIENT JOHN LEGEND.
HE'S A HUGE R&B SINGER.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THIS GUY IS.
- DO YOU KNOW WHO ANYONE IS? - NO.
- WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU BOUGHT AN ALBUM? - 1972?
- '72? SO YOU KNOW NO ONE. - NO, I KNOW NOTHING.
ANYHOW, HE'S MY CLIENT NOW. HE'S COMING
TO THE BAT MITZVAH. HE'S GONNA SING.
WELL, MAYBE I'LL BRING THIS WOMAN.
YOU KNOW, IF WE GET ALONG TONIGHT, I'M GONNA ASK HER.
'CAUSE YOU GOTTA BRING SOMEBODY. CHERYL'S COMING WITH THAT GUY.
- YOU GOTTA BE THERE WITH SOMEBODY. - ABSOLUTELY.
WHY DON'T WE DOUBLE-DATE TONIGHT?
YOU KNOW WHAT? SUSIE AND I WERE TALKING ABOUT GOING TO THE MOVIES.
YOU'RE KIDDING. LET'S DO IT.
PERFECT. I CAN CHECK HER OUT.
Larry: I HAVEN'T DATED IN A WHILE. WHO PAYS?
- YOU PAY. - DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. YOU PAY.
- I DO? - Women: YES, YOU PAY.
- LARRY'S NOT USED TO DATING. - CLEARLY, YES.
- NO, I HAVEN'T DATED IN A LONG TIME. - NO, A LONG TIME.
WHAT DO I DO? AM I ALLOWED TO HOLD HANDS DURING THE MO--?
- Susie: I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S RULES-- - IS THERE A RULE?
EXCUSE ME.
THANK YOU.
HI.
ONE MOVIE.
THANK YOU.
- Larry: DON'T YOU WANT TO SIT ON THE AISLE? - Women: NO.
- I WAS BEING NICE. - Women: CENTER'S BETTER.
CENTER? WHY? YOU THINK THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
- OVER THERE FROM HERE? - YES, THIS IS GOOD.
Jeff: AS LONG AS A GIANT MAN DOESN'T SIT
- IN FRONT OF ME. - Susie: OR A GIANT WOMAN.
- Larry: OH MY GOD. - Paula: WHAT?
THIS GUY. THAT'S THE GUY
WHO WALKED PAST THE LINE TO GET HIS TICKET BEFORE.
- Paula: OH, YEAH. - PETE!
- LOOK AT HIM. - I THINK IT IS.
OH MY GOD. HE WAS FAKING.
- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - NO.
THAT'S REALLY GOOD.
- OH MY GOD. - HOLY SHIT.
I GOTTA TAKE MY HAT OFF TO HIM.
I GOTTA TELL YA, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
( dramatic music playing )
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I'M FINE.
( whispering ) WHY? WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT?
( whispering ) NO REASON.
EVERYTHING OKAY WITH YOU?
YEAH, I'M FINE.
ARE YOU SURE?
YEAH. WHY SHOULDN'T IT BE?
IT'S JUST YOU'RE SQUIRMING A LOT.
YOU'RE SQUIRMING MORE THAN I AM.
WELL, MY SEAT IS UNCOMFORTABLE.
YEAH, MY SEAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE TOO.
I KNOW. WE'RE IN AGREEMENT.
WHY DID YOU SAY YOU WENT
TO THAT GASTROENTEROLOGIST'S AGAIN?
- I WAS THERE FOR A CHECKUP. - A CHECKUP?
- YES. WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING ME THAT? - I'VE NEVER HEARD
OF ANYBODY GOING TO A GASTROENTEROLOGIST FOR A CHECKUP.
- OH, REALLY? - YEAH.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING THERE.
- IS THAT WHAT I SAID? - YES, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.
HONESTLY, I'M JUST REALLY KIND OF BORED WITH THIS MOVIE.
IT'S NOT SO BAD.
I REALLY WANT TO GO. CAN WE GO?
PLEASE.
ARE YOU GONNA DRAG ME OUT OF THIS MOVIE
WITH FIVE MINUTES TO GO? THAT'S INSANE.
IT'S NOT FIVE MINUTES. THIS IS THE WORLD'S WORST FILM
I'VE EVER SEEN AND I REALLY WANT TO GO.
COME ON, FIVE MORE MINUTES.
WHAT DO YOU GAIN BY STAYING? YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS STORY.
I FINISH THINGS I START.
BOOKS-- THEY COULD BE 500 PAGES,
ONCE I START THEM, EVEN IF I HATE IT, I'LL FINISH IT.
I HAVE FRIENDS WHO I CAN'T STAND,
YOU KNOW, FOR, LIKE, 25 YEARS.
I'M STILL FRIENDS WITH THEM.
WHY?
BECAUSE I STAY TO THE END, TILL THEY'RE DEAD.
I GO DOWN WITH THE SHIP. THAT'S WHAT I DO.
I'M NOT EVEN THE CAPTAIN, I'M GOING DOWN WITH THE SHIP.
THAT'S HOW I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT ME:
I'M THE GUY WHO KEEPS THE CAPTAIN COMPANY.
I CAN'T WATCH THIS.
EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY.
- WHERE IS SHE GOING? - I DON'T--
- SHE WAS BORED. - IT'S ALMOST OVER.
I KNOW. I TOLD HER.
IT'S FIVE MINUTES TO GO. IT'S CRAZY.
YOU'D BETTER GO OUT AFTER HER.
- SHE'S NOT GONNA WAIT FOR YOU. - YOU DON'T EXPECT
SOMEBODY ELSE TO LEAVE IF YOU'RE WALKING OUT OF THE MOVIE.
- YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WOMEN. - YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ETIQUETTE.
Susie: FINE.
- WHERE IS SHE? - SHE'S NOT HERE.
- ARE YOU SURPRISED? - CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
- YEAH, THAT'S RUDE. - I TOLD YOU SHE WAS GONNA LEAVE.
- THAT WAS COMPLETELY RUDE, UNBELIEVABLE. - BY THE WAY,
I TIMED IT. THERE WERE SIX MINUTES LEFT IN THAT MOVIE.
IRRELEVANT, LARRY. SHE WAS NOT GONNA WAIT FOR YOU.
I INVESTED AN HOUR AND A HALF. I'M SUPPOSED TO LEAVE
- WITH SIX MINUTES TO GO? - THE LAST SIX MINUTES. THAT'S CRAZINESS.
SO, FINE. YOU WERE RIGHT AND NOW YOU'RE ALONE.
YEAH, WELL, SHE HAS A TICKLE IN HER ANUS ANYWAY.
- SHE HAS A TICKLE IN HER ANUS? - I THINK SO. SHE WAS SQUIRMING IN HER SEAT.
I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT. LET'S GO.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT MOVIE STUNK, BY THE WAY.
NO, IT WAS GREAT. YOU'RE CRAZY.
SO YOU'RE NOT GONNA GO TO THE BAT MITZVAH?
EH, I DON'T WANT TO GO BY MYSELF.
AND CHERYL'S GONNA BE THERE WITH THIS GUY.
SO WE'LL GET YOU A DATE--
MY NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR. SHE'S A BELLY DANCER.
SHE ALSO WAS IN CIRQUE DU SOLEIL.
YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE WITH THE NOSE RINGS, RIGHT?
- SHE CAN TAKE 'EM OUT. - THEN THERE'S A HOLE IN THE NOSE.
WE'LL JUST COVER IT WITH MAKEUP.
BLECH!
DO YOU WANT ANY COFFEE? I'M GONNA GO GET COFFEE.
NO, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING.
Woman: THIS WAY. THIS IS THE ONE I WAS TELLING YOU THAT I THINK IS JUST PERFECT.
- Man: THIS IS GREAT. - YEAH, AVAILABLE THE FIRST OF THE MONTH.
ALL WE NEED IS YOUR SIGNATURE ON THE PAPERWORK.
- THAT'S GREAT. TWO MONTHS UPFRONT? - UPFRONT.
- TWO PARKING SPACES. IT'S ALL YOURS. - HOW DO YOU HEAT IT?
OH, YOU'VE GOT YOUR OWN THERMOSTAT RIGHT THERE, SEE?
I'VE GOT TO TAKE THIS. WILL YOU EXCUSE ME FOR ONE SECOND?
- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. - SURE. YEAH, OKAY, GOOD.
HI, I'M JUST--
HELLO!
- HOW ARE YOU? - I'M-- I'M GOOD.
- ARE YOU RENTING THE OFFICE... - ( stammering )
- ...NEXT DOOR? - YOU KNOW, I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.
THAT'S VERY GOOD. WE'LL BE FRIENDS.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M LOOKING AT SEVERAL PLACES.
- I SHOULD PROBABLY CATCH UP-- - WE'LL GO TO LUNCH TOGETHER.
- YEAH. - EVERY DAY, EVERY DAY.
- EVERY DAY. - EVERY DAY, LUNCH.
UH, LISTEN, YOU'RE PROBABLY BUSY.
NO, I'M NOT. I HAVE NOTHING TO DO HERE.
I'VE GOT TO FIND THE OFFICE MANAGER. THANK YOU.
GOODBYE. BYE.
I HOPE YOU RENT THE OFFICE.
LARRY, WH--?
- OH, HEY. - AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?
NO.
I JUST CAME BY TO SAY THANKS
FOR THE RECOMMENDATION. I GOT THE GIG.
- YOU GOT THE JOB? - YEAH.
WHAT'S THIS ABOUT? IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?
NO NO NO.
SOMEONE WAS GONNA RENT THE OFFICE NEXT DOOR...
THIS IS HOW YOU WELCOME HIM? YOU USE SOME HUMOR?
NO NO NO, IT WAS A TEST TO SEE IF HE'S A TOLERANT PERSON.
AND ANYONE WHO'S NOT IS NO NEIGHBOR OF MINE.
I KNOW SOMEBODY WHO WOULDN'T FIND THIS FUNNY AT ALL.
HE'S A 10-YEAR-OLD BOY NAMED MAX AND HE LIVES IN MY HOUSE--
- WHO'S NOT GONNA THINK THAT'S SO FUNNY. - OH, JEEZ.
THIS IS WHAT YOU DO? YOU SIT ON YOUR ASS
- MAKING FUN OF RETARDED PEOPLE? - OH, COME ON.
- UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE. - I WAS JUST, YOU KNOW--
I'M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
I WOULD RENT AN OFFICE TO YOUR SON.
MY SON HAS AN OFFICE ON THE RIGHT HAND OF JESUS.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY FUNNY?
A SUCCESSFUL WRITER-PRODUCER WHO PUTS GERBILS UP HIS ASS FOR FUN.
- WHAT? WHAT? - I TALKED TO KAI. I TALKED TO MY COUSIN.
- THAT'S WHY YOU HAD TO SEE THE DOCTOR. - OH, THAT'S BULLSHIT.
- 'CAUSE YOU HAVE GERBILS IN YOUR ASS. - I MADE THAT UP, YOU MORON.
- WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THAT UP? - BECAUSE I DIDN'T FEEL
- LIKE TELLING HER WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME. - THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD GET A KICK OUT OF THIS.
I REALLY DO. FUCK YOU, LARRY.
LET'S JUST TRY IT OUT ON THE STREET.
- HEY, NO, I MADE THAT UP. - HEY, WANNA HEAR SOMETHING FUNNY?
HEY, YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING FUNNY?
SO SORRY. DO WE STILL HAVE TIME TO DO IT?
- I'M SORRY. - NO. I'M LATE NOW.
- IT'S TOO LATE FOR LUNCH? - IT'S TOO LATE FOR LUNCH
AND IT'S TOO LATE FOR MY CAREER
AND YOU FUCKED ME WITH TESSLER.
- HE'S NOT WORKING OUT? - HE SUCKS!
- HE DOESN'T KNOW COMEDY. - I KNOW THAT, I KNOW.
HE SHOULD BE SELLING FABRICS.
WHY'D YOU HIRE HIM?
HOW D--? YOU--
MY FRIEND OF 47 YEARS-- YOU RECOMMENDED HIM.
OH, I RECOMMENDED HIM? WHEN I CALLED YOU
I TOLD YOU THAT HE ASKED ME TO RECOMMEND HIM...
- WHAT--? - ...SO I'M "RECOMMENDING" HIM. I PUT QUOTES AROUND IT.
WHY'D YOU "RECOMMEND" HIM, MR. QUOTEHEAD?
I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD PICK UP THAT IT WAS A NON-RECOMMEND RECOMMEND.
YOU KNOW, LIFE IS VERY BRIEF, OKAY?
AND YOU KNOW I NEED A GOOD SERIES.
- IS LIFE TOO SHORT? YOU THINK IT'S TOO SHORT? - YEAH.
- IT'S TOO SHORT, ISN'T IT? - YEAH, BUT NOW MY LIFE IS FUCKING WAY SHORT.
- I'M SORRY. - YOU RUINED MY FUCKING PILOT
BECAUSE OF YOUR RECOMMENDATION.
I CAN SEE IF IT CAME FROM A SKINHEAD...
- YEAH. - ...OR ONE OF BEN LADEN'S PEOPLE.
YOU CALL HIM BEN LADEN OR BIN LADEN?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU CALLED HIM BEN. THAT'S ALMOST LIKE A JEWISH NAME.
THAT'S TRUE. BEN LADEN DOES SOUND
- LIKE A SHIRT-MAKER IN MANHATTAN. - YES, I KNOW.
"LET'S GO TO BEN LADEN'S. THEY GOT GREAT COLLARS."
EXACTLY, YEAH. ANYWAY, I'M--
- NO-- - I'M SORRY.
YEAH, FINE, FI--
IT'S TRUE, ISN'T IT?
- HOLY SHIT. - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DID YOU STICK A GERBIL UP YOUR ASS?
- 'CAUSE THE WHOLE FUCKING TOWN-- - ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
IT'S ALL OVER THE SET. IT'S EVERYWHERE.
- AND I SAID--- - JESUS,
THIS TESSLER IS SPREADING THIS RUMOR ABOUT ME
TO GET BACK AT ME.
IT'S ALL OVER THE FUCKING CITY NOW.
IT'S GONNA BE ON THE INTERNET TOO.
IT'S EVERYWHERE. IT'S EVERYWHERE.
JESUS CHRIST, DID YOU SEE THE WAY THAT GUY LOOKED AT ME?
I'M SURE HE PROBABLY READ "GERBIL" MAGAZINE
AND YOU'RE FUCKING ON THE COVER.
HOLY SHIT.
YOU KNOW, I DO HAVE A TICKLE IN MY ANUS.
OH, REALLY?
- YEAH. - I GOTTA SPLIT.
HI, CAROL.
CAROL,
IT'S NOT TRUE.
- ( family chattering ) - Leon: ...SOME CRAZY SHIT.
- IT'S MISSING. AND YOU HEAR THIS SHIT. - LEON!
LEON, I DON'T REALLY THINK HE WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
- I DON'T THINK-- - YOU DON'T KNOW, LORETTA.
THINK ABOUT IT. LOOK, THE GERBIL'S MISSING, RIGHT?
AND THEN YOU HEAR THIS SHIT'S GOING ON. COME ON NOW.
- ( women exclaiming ) - ADD THIS SHIT UP. ADD THIS SHIT UP.
HERE HE COMES NOW. WHAT'S GOING ON, LARRY? WHAT'S GOING ON, LARRY?
THE GERBIL GOT ON THE ELEVATOR, HIT "UP"
- AND WENT UP YOUR ASSHOLE? IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED? - Loretta: LEON!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT THIS THING HAS ALREADY GOTTEN TO THIS HOUSE,
- THAT YOU WOULD ACCUSE ME OF THAT. - LARRY, WHERE'S THE GERBIL?
- I GOT YOUR BACK, L.D. I DON'T THINK YOU DID IT. - THANK YOU.
I DIDN'T EVEN WANT THAT THING IN THE HOUSE,
- MUCH LESS PUT IT UPY ASS, OKAY? - LET HIM OUT, LARRY.
SO, WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU SAYING YOU DIDN'T DO THAT?
ABSOLUTELY. OF COURSE NOT. COME ON, THAT'S INSANE.
- ( sighs ) - THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
I'M STILL SICK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THAT THING IS
RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE SOMEWHERE.
- Leon: YEAH, ALL RIGHT. WHATEVER, MAN. - WE'RE DONE PACKING.
- Loretta: ALL RIGHT. - ALL RIGHT, SWEETNESS.
- HEY, Y'ALL GOT EVERYTHING TOGETHER? - YEAH, WE'RE DONE.
- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S GOOD. - Leon: YOU READY TO ROLL?
WOW, THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING, ISN'T IT?
- OH YEAH, WE'RE ABOUT READY TO BOUNCE. - YEAH.
- WHEN ARE YOU GOING? - TOMORROW.
- TOMORROW? - MM-HMM.
( Auntie Rae chuckling ) CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
- Leon: WE'RE OUT OF HERE, MAN. - OH MY GOD.
- WOW. - Leon: IT CREPT UP ON YOU, RIGHT?
YOU'RE GONNA MISS US, LARRY.
Auntie Rae: WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU TOO, LARRY.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T GET MY WATERWORKS GOING HERE.
- YOU KNOW HOW EMOTIONAL I AM. - ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
Leon: WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU, LARRY. THAT'S DEEP.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT, I'VE GOT TO GET READY FOR A BAT MITZVAH.
- WHAT'S THAT? - IT'S A JEWISH CEREMONY, YOU KNOW.
- OH. - IT'S A BIG PARTY.
YOU DON'T WANNA GO WITH ME, DO YOU?
- YOU WANT ME TO GO? - YEAH, COME ON.
SURE, I'LL GO WITH YOU, L.D.
- BEAUTIFUL. - YEAH.
- A BAT MITZVAH. - YEAH.
- ( all chattering ) - MY LITTLE GIRL IS SO PERFECT.
- THANK YOU. HOW ARE YOU DOING? - NACHES TO YOU.
YOU SAW THE EARLY REHEARSALS. WHEN YOU LEFT
THEY HAD A RUN-THROUGH. THE NETWORK STORMED OUT.
HOW IN THE FUCK COULD MY BEST FRIEND RECOMMEND SUCH AN ASSHOLE?
- WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY YOU DIDN'T LIKE HIM? - ANY NORMAL PERSON
WOULD HAVE PICKED UP ON WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY.
NOW I'M ABNORMAL. OH, NOW I'M NOT NORMAL.
YEAH, YOU ARE ABNORMAL.
YOU'RE THE MOST ABNORMAL, JERKY NUTCASE
I'VE EVER MET IN MY ENTIRE--
- OH, YOU THINK YOU'RE MORE NORMAL THAN ME? - FUCKIN'-A I AM.
I'LL HAVE A MENTAL PATIENT FACE-OFF WITH YOU ANY DAY.
- OH, REALLY? - HEY, LARR, DID YOU STICK A GERBIL UP YOUR ASS?
- WHO TOLD YOU THAT? - I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHO TOLD ME.
- IT'S NOT IMPORTANT. - OF COURSE I DIDN'T STICK A GERBIL UP MY ASS!
- DON'T GET SO UPSET. - I'M UPSET!
- HE'S TELLING EVERYONE. - YEAH, HE SURE IS.
- Woman: OH MY GOD. - ( laughing )
( glass dinging )
ON BEHALF OF MY WONDERFUL WIFE SUSIE
AND MYSELF I WANT TO WELCOME YOU.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR COMING.
IT MEANS A LOT TO US,
A LOT TO SAMMIE,
I CAN TELL YOU THAT. WE'RE VERY PROUD OF HER.
I DON'T WANT TO EMBARRASS HER,
SO I'M GONNA KEEP THIS SHORT AND JUST SAY
THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF OUR HEARTS.
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO RIGHT NOW IS OPEN IT UP
TO ANYBODY WHO'D LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING,
MAKE A TOAST, WHATEVER. COME ON UP.
- YEAH, I'M GONNA-- - Both: LARRY.
- I'D LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING. - ALL RIGHT.
HEY. UM...
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, I'M SO THRILLED
TO BE HERE AT SAMMIE'S BAT MITZVAH TONIGHT.
- THANK YOU, LARRY. - THIS IS A FANTASTIC OCCASION.
YOU KNOW, I'VE KNOWN SAMMIE
SINCE SHE WAS BORN, ACTUALLY.
- I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL, REMEMBER? - YEAH.
I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL THAT DAY
AND I SAW HER WHEN SHE WAS, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES OLD.
IT WAS NOT A PRETTY SIGHT FOR ME.
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I EVER SAW ONE OF THOSE THINGS, YOU KNOW.
UM, ANYWAY, WHAT I REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT
IS THAT THERE'S A GUEST HERE
SPREADING A VICIOUS, NASTY, SCURRILOUS RUMOR
- ABOUT ME AND A GERBIL. - ( murmuring )
OKAY? I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD IT.
AND THERE'S NOT A WORD OF TRUTH TO IT, OKAY?
HE HAS A PERSONAL VENDETTA, SO DON'T BELIEVE ONE WORD OF THAT.
IT'S NOT TRUE. HOWEVER,
IN THE INTEREST OF FULL DISCLOSURE
I WILL TELL YOU THAT, UM,
I DO HAVE A TICKLE IN MY ANUS.
- ( crowd groaning ) - AND THEY'RE SLIGHTLY RELATED TO EACH OTHER.
Marty: WHAT DID HE SAY?
Larry: THE POINT IS, IT'S NOT TRUE. I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS
- IMPORTANT TO SAY THAT. - Susie: THAT'S FINE, LARRY.
- BECAUSE IT'S NOT RIGHT THAT HE WOULD SPREAD... - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
- ...THAT VICIOUS RUMOR. - LARRY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. ENOUGH.
Larry: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, TESSLER?
I'LL PUT A FIST UP YOUR ASS.
HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?
WELL, UM,
IF ANYONE ELSE HAS A TOAST,
SOMETHING TO SAY...
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- Cheryl: HI. - HELLO.
- HOW ARE YOU DOING? - NICE TO SEE YOU.
- REMEMBER GLENN? - SURE.
- SAMMIE LOOKS CUTE. - YEAH.
- VERY CUTE. SHE'S ALL GROWN UP. - YEAH, I KNOW.
- OH, YOUR UNDERWEAR-- - YES.
- --GOT 'EM ON. - MY UNDERWEAR? YOU'RE IN THE NO-FLY ZONE?
- I'M GOING RIGHT OVER THE FENCE. - YOU'RE OVER THE FENCE?
- OVER THE FENCE. - DID YOU MISS THE GATE?
- NOT AT ALL. - DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THE GATE?
- DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. - THAT'S WONDERFUL. THANK YOU.
- YOU LOOK GOOD. - OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
( slow music playing )
John Legend: GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THIS ONE GOES OUT TO SAMMIE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?
UM, YES. I MEAN, IF YOU DON'T MIND.
- NO, PLEASE. - WOULD YOU EXCUSE US?
( singing )
WOULD YOU CARE TO DANCE?
THANK YOU.
- WAKE UP, WAKE UP! - ( all chattering )
- GET THE BALL, DARYL! - ( whistle blows )
Referee: SLIDE TACKLE, NUMBER 2, BLACK.
- WHAT, YOU'RE GONNA CITE THAT? - OF COURSE.
WHAT, ARE YOU CRAZY? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
( whistles ) GET OUT OF HERE.
COME ON.
- STOP PLAYING. STOP PLAYING. - ( all yelling )
- WOULD Y'ALL CALM DOWN? - HEY, GIVE ME THAT.
- Keysha: NO. - DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE.
IT'S MINE. IT'S MINE.
( family yelling )
OH, FUCK YOU, LARRY. BULLSHIT, MOTHERFUCKER.
- I DIDN'T KNOW. - YOU ARE SUCH A BALD ASSHOLE!
- I CAN'T BEGIN TO TELL YOU. - WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?
DON'T NOBODY TALK TO MY MAN LIKE THAT.
YOU'D BETTER GET YOUR ASS OUT OF MY HOUSE,
- YOU FUCKING BITCH. - GOODBYE.
GET YOUR SMILE ON. GET YOUR SMILE ON.
GET YOUR SMILE ON, COME ON.
AM I SMILING? HERE WE GO.
( laughs )
( theme music playing )