Can I get you guys anything to drink?
BOTH: Scotch, neat.
Jinx.
(gasps)
Oh, my...
God.
NARRATOR: Kids, you may be wondering why five adults
in their 30s would take a jinx so seriously.
It all started one day five years ago.
Ooh, Van Helsing. Ooh, Van Helsing.
Jinx. You're jinxed.
That means that you can't speak until someone
who was present for the jinx says your name,
or else
you will have very bad luck.
(scoffs) That's ridiculous.
(both gasp)
You broke the jinx.
Marshall, I'm a grown-ass man.
I'm on my building's co-op board.
When I say a Pinot Noir tastes luxuriously earthy
with a hint of rhubarb, I'm not faking it.
I've had several
of the same sexual partners as Henry Kissinger.
I'm not about to stop talking just because I was jinxed.
NARRATOR: Barney broke three limbs
and two vertebrae,
but he never broke another jinx.
In fact, he started taking jinxes way too seriously.
Barney, I'm on hold with Sports Talk AM
to talk to my childhood hero from the Minnesota Twins.
Who's your childhood hero?
Frank Viola. Frank Viola-- jinx!
(over phone): Hello, this is Frank.
Anyone there?
Hello?
I can hear you breathing, you coward.
NARRATOR: So, when someone finally jinxed Barney
for the first time in years,
we were pretty psyched.
The reign of terror is over!
I've had this cigar in my pocket for two years,
waiting for this moment.
Aw, that would've been good about two years ago.
Cheers.
(all whooping)
Huzzah! Huzzah.
LILY: Oh, oh, oh, you want us to say your name
and un-jinx you?
I don't think so, pal.
This is gonna be a long jinx.
Like Yom Kippur services long.
The only difference is, Yom Kippur's a fast
and this one's gonna be a slow.
Oh! ROBIN: Now, Ted,
I was wondering if you could expand upon what you were saying
earlier about antiquated currency.
Ah, yes, yes.
Contrary to popular belief,
the buffalo nickel was modeled on the Black Diamond bison
rather than the more iconic Western Plains bison.
To wit,
if President Taft had had his way,
we'd all be talking about the egret nickel.
NARRATOR: In the winter of 2012 the skyscraper
that I designed was about to open,
which got me thinking about the most influential
architecture professor I ever had.
So when the children of our grandchildren's children
ask us "Who were we," they'll find the answer carved
into the granite poetry of our architecture.
Okay.
It doesn't get any better than that.
Class dismissed.
Wow, just wow.
Do you need something?
I have an apple I was hoping to eat in silence.
Of course, Professor Vinick, I, um,
I-I sketched out a design,
and it'd be such an honor if you took a look at it.
Oh, well.
It is believed
that it took the pharaohs over 100 years
to build the Sphinx.
So...
you think...
I should spend more time on it?
Oh, dear God, no.
This is terrible.
Then, why'd you mention the Sphinx?
(laughs)
I find my mind is often with the Sphinx.
Anyway, you'll never be an architect.
You'll never be an architect.
(laughing): You'll never be an architect!
Well, guess what.
I sent Professor Vinick
the invitation to the opening of my building,
so he'll see that I did become an architect,
and that I've moved past his petty, hurtful words.
ROBIN: Wow.
15 years later and you're still this obsessed.
Yeah, if Vinick ever goes missing,
the cops are gonna come looking for him in your basement.
Totally, he's Ted's pit guy.
How dare you?
And what is that?
A pit guy is someone
you've been obsessed with for so long...
that it's driven you crazy enough
to throw them in a pit in your basement
like in The Silence of the Lambs.
(screaming)
(laughing)
I'm not gonna Silence of the Lambs him.
At most,
I'd Revenge of the Nerds him.
Though I don't see a scenario where he agrees
to play me in a pentathlon.
Yeah, I'm with Ted-- there is no one I hate enough
to throw into a pit.
What?
NARRATOR: When Robin's most hated coworker Patrice
started dating Barney,
she became obsessed.
Patrice, Patrice goes in your pit.
Guys, I told you, I am done obsessing about Patrice.
Just drop her.
Drop her in a pit.
Enough.
We all have people that we would throw in our pits,
and I'm sure we all have people
who would like to throw us in their pits.
Yeah, if Marshall or I ever go missing,
I'll tell you whose basement to look in.
Daryl LaCourte.
Oh, no.
It's creepy Daryl.
Let's get out of here before he sees us.
Hey, hot sack coming through.
Ha... ha...
Hi, Daryl. Hey, Daryl. Hey!
I feel like I never see you guys anymore.
Like whenever I'm getting to a party, you're just leaving.
Even that party
at your place-- you guys just raced off
into the night at 7:30.
That's weird.
But this is
great-- the three hackmigos
back together again.
We played Hacky Sack together once freshman year, Daryl.
Once.
November 14, 1996.
That is the best memory ever.
Sure.
(grunts)
The three hackmigos for life.
To this day, we are still getting e-mails
and posts from Daryl.
He has commented on every photo
of Baby Marvin we have ever posted,
and then
he comments on his own comments.
(door opens)
(all clamoring excitedly)
Hey, guys, look, it's Bar...
none, my favorite
non-speaking
jinxed person in the world.
How was
your day?
Yeah, I didn't get a word of that.
Sorry, buddy.
Ah, Scherbatsky, it's my favorite time of year.
Didn't know you liked Christmas so much.
No, year-end reviews.
We get to fire some people.
Get into the spirit.
Look, Sandy, you might enjoy firing people
for petty personal differences.
I'd hardly call giving me gonorrhea
a petty personal difference.
But I am a professional,
and I would never fire someone for unprofessional reasons.
Well, somebody's got to go.
NARRATOR: Kids, the thing about pit people,
sometimes you don't even know you have one
until you have a chance to push 'em in.
Hi, Robin.
Not happening, bro.
Hand get tired?
Not happening, bro.
I hold in my hand
the RSVP from Professor Vinick.
Uh-huh.
Ah, he's checked
"Will not attend," which is fine,
because all I needed to know was that he knows.
So now I will throw this in the trash and never look at it.
What's this?
"I believe you've sent this to the wrong person.
I have no idea who Ted Mosby is."
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
Oh, you'll remember who I am, Professor Vinick.
You'll never forget it.
Not happening, bro.
Ted, just because we're coming with you to Wesleyan
does not mean that we condone your behavior.
Just using it as an excuse
to see the old campus...
and maybe watch you have a complete mental breakdown.
What are you even gonna do when you see Professor Vinick?
Oh, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
Sweet merciful Franks Gehry and Lloyd Wright,
from what brilliant mind was this work of art sired?
Mosby.
Ted Mosby.
(coughing): Architect.
But that's-that's...
Impossible?
Looks like you were wrong, Vinick.
Dead wrong.
(distorted): No!
(yells)
(laughs)
Be careful, Ted.
Revenge fantasies never work out the way you want.
Especially dance- based revenge.
My prom was rough, guys.
LILY: Ooh!
We're almost there.
Oh, I can't wait to see the old campus.
I'm gonna grab one of those giant dining hall hot dogs.
Oh, I love those huge wieners.
I'm not so sure you heard me.
I said, "I love those huge wieners."
I love them.
In my mouth.
So, let me ask you a few questions, Clarice... Patrice.
How would you rate your performance
in the last six months?
Well, I don't like to talk about myself,
but all my coworkers deserve an A-double-plus,
that's for suresies.
Ooh,
fancy lotion.
It puts the lotion in the basket.
It's just, this is really nice lotion.
And what a pretty basket, Robin.
I know, that's why I bought it, Patrice!
Man, it's like
nothing has changed. Mmm, I know.
The bun, the relish.
That's a knee.
It's a beautifully drawn knee, so?
That's a barn.
Oh, knee barn, right.
That's a great idea, Lily.
On the way home, we should stop
at the knee barn,
pick us up some wholesale knees. Yeah.
MAN: Marshall? Lily!
You... you're here.
Hi, Daryl. (quietly): Hi, Daryl.
Hi.
Wow,
after all these years.
You look just like you do in my paintings.
Come here, guys. (grunts)
There are men and there are gods.
Antoni Gaudí was both.
TED: There are jerk faces and there are buttholes.
Professor Vinick was both.
Good one, Ted.
Come on, Vinick, give me an opening.
Gaudí's architecture gave expression
to the anarchic geometric form of nature.
TED (mocking): "Gaudí's architecture..."
Actually, that's a really good point.
* Wow, Professor Vinick
* Man, you taught me so much
* About architecture and life
* God, your lectures are so cool *
* I'll earn your respect and we'll be best friends. *
Okay, it doesn't get any better than that.
(sniffles) No, it doesn't.
What are you doing here, Daryl?
Well, I live right down the street.
But I work right here.
Whoa. Oh, boy.
MARSHALL: Are those...
(clears throat) ...our, our faces up there, buddy?
Hack, yeah!
It was just as much your idea as mine
to open up a Hacky Sack store here at Wesleyan.
So you never left?
Once. I met a girl on Craigslist,
and I flew to Boston to meet her.
She was a man, 300 pounds, and robbed me.
Still, the best night of my life.
Until now!
The three hackmigos back together again!
You know, I've been waiting forever to give you something.
You're coming with me to my house,
and I'm not taking no for an answer.
BARNEY: Dude, this is your chance.
Set me free, and I will lie you out
of this creepy nightmare.
MARSHALL: This is a tough one.
On the one hand, we might die.
On the other, you're jinxed.
BARNEY: Let me free, Marshall.
This guy could be violent.
MARSHALL: Violent... Viola...
Frank Viola.
We would love to come to your house, Daryl!
Yeah!
Okay, um...
how often are you and Barney doing it?
That's a strange question, Robin.
You're right.
Maybe I should leave.
Yeah, maybe you should.
You're fired.
Wow. Just wow.
Ted Mosby. I'm a former student of yours.
You know, I actually became an architect.
Any chance you remember me?
Oh, please excuse me, I've been teaching for over 20 years.
All the faces start to blend together
unless you have a, a weird mustache or, or something.
Junior year I tried to grow muttonchops,
but people kept saying my face made them nauseous.
Well, not people. You.
Anyway, I would be honored if you,
if you took a look at my building.
This...
is hideous.
You'll never be an architect.
(echoing): You'll never be an architect.
You'll never be an architect!
You'll never be an architect.
Wait. I was mistaken.
You most definitely will be an architect.
Really?
These are astonishing,
Handlebar Pete.
So, when you said "surprise in your house,"
what you really meant was "surprise in the poorly lit
windowless basement of your house."
Oh, you guys are gonna love what I have to show you.
I am so excited, I could just cry and laugh and scream
and just punch the wall over and over and over and over and over!
Could we just see it,
like, up in the living room
or anywhere less... gimp-storagey?
(laughs) I just realized
I want to take a picture of this.
I want to put your faces on my mantel like a trophy.
Like a trophy!
Aah...! Aah...!
(singsongy): Here I come.
And I've got your surprise right here!
No! We don't want your surprise, Daryl!
We're not your amigos,
we're definitely not your hackmigos.
And before you murder us,
you should know that we have a child!
He probably has eight or nine!
What? Murder?
I wanted to give you a check.
For $100,000...
for coming up with the idea of the Three Hackmigos with me.
I brought you down here to show you all my inventory.
Business has really exploded.
(laughs)
I mean, I'm sort of the Mark Zuckerberg
of jam-band concert parking lot athletics.
Well, second.
But I'm coming for you, Devil Stick Ron.
(screaming)
Why would you fire me?
Because nobody should be as happy as you are.
And also your cookies... they're only pretty good.
(gasps)
Robin, is this really about me?
(voice breaking): No, it's not.
The old "fire and bang." Respect, Scherbatsky.
Hey, Ted, I see you're holding a little version of your building.
So I assume it all worked out?
I realized, since I work in a three-dimensional medium,
the only way to really stick it to Vinick would be
with a three-dimensional model.
Whatever you do, don't march in there
thinking, "I'm gonna do the worm.
That'll show 'em!"
Seriously, guys,
I can't stress enough how bad my prom was.
Speaking of the past...
Wow, we feel like idiots. We're sorry.
You know, honestly, it's fine.
Look how great I'm doing.
Look at what I've built. I don't need
the validation of some people from college
to feel good about myself.
My life is amazing!
I own a timeshare in St. Barts with P-Funk!
The, the whole band?
Yeah.
Do you guys jam?
That's all we do.
(all gasp)
So, you completely rejected
the guy who's been obsessing
about you for 16 years, and he was okay with it?
Whoa.
Is creepy Daryl more emotionally adjusted than I am?
NARRATOR: Kids, sometimes in life
you'll make a pit for someone in your mind.
But ultimately the only person in that pit is yourself.
I'm sorry.
Just seeing you with Barney has brought up
some old feelings, and I...
I really don't like feelings.
But that's not your fault or Barney's fault.
It's just really hard seeing you with him.
* There's been a book on the side of the bed... *
NARRATOR: Which means there's only one person
who can let you out of the pit.
* Many years from now
* I know you'll hear me somehow... *
So you fired Patrice?
No, she's staying.
* The places we will go...
Let's get out of here, guys.
Oh, Mr. Mosby.
You built a model of your building.
No.
Why? To prove some sort of point?
This is just sad.
No, no, I was just throwing it out.
Sure, you were.
No!
No, I-I-I had a transcendent moment
where I found emotional clarity!
And I realize shouting that
makes it seem like it's not true, but I did!
Yeah, we're gonna grab some snacks.
You guys want anything?
Spicy beef jerky.
Got you loud and clear.
(sighs)
Oh, my God! Barney!
You unjinxed me!
I'm free! If the bison
on the nickel could hear you talk about them,
they would diminish their population even further on purpose.
If Lily wants a big wiener in her mouth, she's got my number.
And I'm sorry that you took the rap for all the farting on
the car ride up here. That was me! (sighs)
The ring! What's, what's, what's the ring?
Right, the ring. I'm gonna ask Patrice to marry me.
BOTH: Are you serious?
Jinx! Good!
I need to say some things without you interrupting.
Yes, I am serious. I know that if you could talk,
you'd say that I'm crazy
or that I'm overcorrecting or that I'm moving too fast.
But you would be wrong.
Look, I have banged my way through every bimbo
in the tristate area, and it left me
feeling nothing but, but broken.
But now, with Patrice,
for the first time in my life, I feel settled and happy.
I want to feel this way forever.
So tomorrow night on the roof
of the World Wide News building--
that's Patrice's favorite spot--
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
Ah, poot-tu-tat! You're jinxed.
I'll unjinx you if you'll follow these two rules:
one: you can't try to talk me out of it,
and two: you can't tell anybody. Agreed?
It's a jinx swear, so if you break it,
I get to hit you in the nuts three times
with a Wiffle ball bat.
Thank you... Ted.
Hey...
Hi, guys!
No. But you're jinxed!
I tricked Ted into saying my name.
ALL: Aw, come on, Ted!
Jinx! Jinx! Ha-ha!
The reign of terror is back! (evil laugh)
Hey, if you guys don't want me to smoke
or fart in here, just speak up.
Nothing? Great.
Thanks for the spicy beef jerky, dude.
Anyway, I think we could all use a little quiet.
Unless you have something you want to talk about, Ted?
No.
Not happening, bro.