[woman] We're on in five seconds.
Four, three, two…
[music plays]
Good morning. It's Friday.
Glad you could join us. I'm your host, Jeff Stelling,
here with Chris Kamara and George Cartrick.
As we head into the last weekend of the season,
we have an update on those rumors of change at West Ham United.
But first, we turn our attention to the championship
and AFC Richmond, the club of our former foulmouthed colleague…
-[Kamara chuckles] -…Roy Kent.
The headline this morning is the news that
Ted Lasso left in the middle of the Tottenham match this season
not due to stomach problems, but because of a panic attack.
[Arlo] Lasso appears to be, uh, leaving?
[Stelling] George?
Lasso's clearly not fit to coach.
-[Kamara scoffs] -Come on now, George.
-Be compassionate. -Oh-- Come on. Come on, Jeff. Come on.
Would-- Would, uh, Bill Shankly have a panic attack, eh? Would Brian Clough?
-Would Alex Ferguson have a panic attack? -Aw, be fair.
No, of course he wouldn't. Look, if-- if your ship's being attacked, right?
And you run to the bridge,
you want to find a captain whose brain works,
not some big girl's blouse.
[Kamara sighs]
-I miss Roy. -[George, Kamara chuckle]
[sighs]
[cell phone beeps]
[beeps]
[Sharon] Hi, Ted. Remember, the truth will set you free,
but first it'll piss you off.
I'm here if you want to talk. Good luck this weekend.
[phone clicks]
[beeps]
[typing]
[chuckles]
[typing]
[chimes]
[clicks]
[breathes deeply]
["Yesterday's Papers" plays]
[shutters clicking]
-Hey, fellas. -[chuckles]
-[photographer 1] Yeah. -[photographer 2 laughs] Good one.
Morning, Susan.
Oh. Are you all right, Ted?
Yes, ma'am. [chuckles]
Are you sure about that?
[Coach Beard] Hey, Coach.
[sighs]
[grunts] Oh. Thank you.
Hey, wanker.
If my father had a panic attack at Normandy,
we'd all be speaking German.
Yes, sir.
Just do the work, pal. You'll be all right.
I assume you know what that was all about, yeah?
Nope.
[theme music plays]
[sniffs] Oh, those are lovely. Who are they from?
-Edwin Akufo. -Oh.
"Sorry for your loss."
-Oh. -That was thoughtful of him.
He must've heard about your father's passing.
I've not finished. "But we will give Sam a very good home in Casablanca."
-Ah. Still, nice gesture. -[Rebecca sighs]
So, uh, Leslie, any rumblings about which way Sam's leaning?
Not a peep, and I'm trying to play it chill.
So whenever I see him in a hallway, I just give him a cool nod.
You know, like this.
-Oh. -Oh, shit. That was cool.
I know, right? I saw it in a Denzel Washington movie,
and I thought, "Oh, I'm taking that." [chuckles]
Still, it's not looking great.
[knocks]
Hey. What's the story, Paul Shorey?
[all] Ted.
So sorry about the article, Ted.
Oh, that's okay, Keeley.
You know what they say. No such thing as bad publicity, right?
Although, I think they might've been wrong about that one,
which is a bummer 'cause they were spot on with the beer before liquor thing.
-Here you go, boss. -Thank you, Ted.
And you know that you have our full support.
I appreciate that.
I still wish I could've done something
before that dick Trent Crimm posted the article.
Oh, no, come on. Trent's a good guy. He's just doing the gig.
Well, don't worry. I'm gonna speak directly to the owner of the paper
and see who this anonymous source was.
Nah, come on, no need. Fact is, everything they said was true.
And unlike Lieutenant Kaffee, I actually can handle the truth.
Mm-hmm.
Well then, my advice is no press until after the match.
Hmm. I agree.
Concentrate on the task in hand, beating Brentford.
Yes, because if we lose, it will kill me.
Please don't lose, Ted. I beg you.
Hey, don't you worry, Hig Newton. I'm on it like a bonnet.
Oh, God. These taste like shit.
Oh, yeah. Well, it was a rough night, and I am now absolutely positive that
I switched the salt and sugar. I'm sorry about that.
[retches]
No, no, no.
No, it's interesting.
She's a sneaky, salty bitch.
Hmm. Like Heather Locklear on Melrose Place, right?
-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.
-Right? -Mmm.
-That's exactly how you'd describe her. -Mm-hmm, yeah.
Oh, Heather.
-[chattering] -[Sam] Hello.
-[Thierry] I will not be safe out there. -Hey.
[breathes shakily]
All right?
Is, uh, Roy here?
I don't hear any grunting.
Ah.
-Hey, morning. [inhales sharply] -Morning, Nate.
Um, is Roy here?
No. [inhales sharply]
You seen this? [sighs]
Mm. Oh, uh, uh-- Yes, I-- Oof. It's awful.
-Yeah. -Yeah. It was awful.
Yeah.
Roy--
Jamie's looking for you.
Oh, is he?
Oi!
Tartt!
Me?
Through there? Yeah.
[sighs]
Wait. Can I-- Can I just say something first?
Yeah, okay. That's a good idea
'cause when I'm done, you won't have any teeth left,
and you'll need them for the talking bit.
Right, uh, um-- Yeah, okay. Uh… [clears throat]
So, at Rebecca's dad's funeral, I told Keeley that I still loved her.
It was wrong, and I shouldn't have done it,
but I ain't used to being around dead people.
It-- It just-- It did something to me, emotionally, you know?
But I still-- I shouldn't have done it, and it was wrong,
but I just need you to know that I respect you,
and-- and I respect Keeley, and I respect your relationship,
and I will never ever do anything like that ever again.
Fuck!
[door slams]
[Will] Whoa.
Sorry. I kind of froze when you two came in here,
and I-I-I just didn't know what to do.
All right.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, no, it definitely sounds both helpful and compassionate.
[inhales] But I don't think that
you moderating a session between Coach Lasso and a celebrity psychiatrist
is the best move right now.
All his attention is on Brentford.
Thank you very much.
Fuck you, Piers Morgan.
[gasps] Holy fucking shit!
Oh, my…
[giggles]
[blows whistle]
Circle up!
Thank you, Coach.
Hey, fellas.
Before we get started here, I wanted to talk to y'all about
the article you saw in the paper this morning.
Actually, y'all probably saw it on your phones.
I still get the paper, 'cause, well,
you can't cut cartoons out of a phone, right?
Yeah, but you can screenshot them and text them.
That's copyright infringement, bruv.
-Oh. -I hear you, Zoreaux,
but you can't hang a screenshot on a fridge either.
My refrigerator has a television.
-Oh, I think I have the same one. -[players chattering]
-I bought it-- -The point is,
y'all found out about something from somewhere,
when you should've found out about it from me first.
But I chose not to tell y'all, and that was dumb.
You know, fellas, we make a lot of choices in our lives every single day,
ranging from, "Am I really about to eat something called Greek yogurt?"
Ooh.
To, "Should I leave my family and take a job halfway around the world?"
Me choosing not to be forthright with y'all, that was a bad choice.
But I can't be wasting time wishing for a do-over on all that.
'Cause that ain't how choices work. No, sir. No.
That choice, and my Chicago Bulls Starter jacket
that I let Janelle Rhodes borrow my sophomore year 'cause
she spilled ketchup all over herself, and it looked like she'd been shot,
those are two things I ain't getting back.
'Cause every choice is a chance, fellas.
And I didn't give myself the chance to build further trust with y'all.
To quote the great UCLA college basketball coach, John Obi-Wan Gandalf,
"It is our choices, gentlemen, that show what we truly are,
far more than our abilities."
Now, I hope y'all can forgive me for what I've done.
'Cause I sure as heck wouldn't want
any of y'all to hold anything back with me.
-Nah, we got you, Coach. We got you. -[Sam] We got you, Coach.
[players chatter]
Yeah, no problem, gaffer.
And when we sniff out the rat,
permission to take socks full of soap to their stomach and chest?
We're gonna find 'em and fuck 'em up!
-[players yelling] Yeah! -We'll kill him!
-Follow the money! -[blows whistle]
No, fellas, look. I'm gonna nip that talk in the butt right now.
It's "bud" not "butt," Coach.
It is? Oh, 'cause of flowers, right?
Horticulture, baby!
That makes more sense. I appreciate that. Thank you.
No, look, gentlemen. I want us to focus on something a little bit more productive,
like working on Nate the Great's false nine.
-How's that sound? Okay, good. -[players] Yes. Yeah.
[Ted] Okay, anybody got any questions before we get started?
-Yeah, I got one. -Yeah, Jamie, what do you got?
What are we gonna do with that fucking thing there?
[players chattering]
Yeah, that's a good point. Okay.
Well, tell you what, let's all head to the north field,
and if you guys hustle, that'll count as our cardio for today, yeah?
Scram! Whistle! Whistle!
-[knocks] -[Higgins] Come in.
[gasps]
-[puppy whining] -Oh, what's this?
This is Mascot Idol: Semifinals.
One of these two contestants will be our new mascot.
Will it be Macy Greyhound or Tina Feyhound?
[chuckles] Aw. Are they all from Barkingham Palace?
Yep.
[Higgins] Miss Campbell here runs the shelter.
London's premier all-female dog breeder. Suzi Campbell. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Huge fan.
Oh, thanks.
Huge fan.
Thank you.
[chuckles]
Is now a bad time?
Um, no. Uh, could you give us a minute, please?
Oh. Sure.
Wow. [chuckles]
Nice to meet you.
Um, something wrong?
Actually, something is incredibly right.
The money people that back Bantr,
they wanna finance me opening my own PR firm.
-[chuckles] -Oh, my God!
I know, right?
[sighs] I need some advice.
I'm-- I'm flattered that you came to me instead of Ted or Roy. [chuckles]
They're at training.
Well, instead of Rebecca then.
She's the one I'm afraid of telling.
I'm happy to be on the list.
I'm scared.
Well, look. That is perfectly natural.
It can be terrifying becoming a boss.
No. I'm scared of telling Rebecca I'm leaving.
Oh, right. Because she's so intimidating.
No. She's one of my best friends.
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. And you leaving would be
a betrayal on a level usually reserved for Greek mythology.
No.
I just-- I don't want to appear like I'm not grateful
for the amazing opportunity she's given me here.
Keeley, a good mentor hopes you will move on.
A great mentor knows you will.
Ooh. I like that.
Yeah? Just made it up.
Wow.
I told Edwin Akufo I would give him my answer after the match on Sunday.
[Sam's father] Does this mean you've made a decision?
[inhales sharply] I think so. [sighs]
Hmm? Yes?
-[sighs] I don't know. -Mmm.
I'd be crazy not to go, right?
Samuel, you're overthinking this. Relax.
Stop looking for the answer and let the answer come to you.
If you open yourself to it, the universe will give you a sign.
Daddy, w-with all due respect,
isn't this decision too important to be left to the universe?
The universe has always put me on the right path.
The universe told me to marry your mother and to buy Bitcoin in 2009.
-2009! -[both chuckle]
Okay, Dad. I'll keep an eye out for any messages from the universe.
Uh-huh.
-I love you. -I love you.
[players in park shouting]
[chuckles]
[water running]
[water stops]
This morning, Jamie apologized to me for what he said to you at the funeral.
I didn't say anything.
I know. He said he did it on his own.
What did you do?
What do you think I did?
Punched him.
-Headbutted him. -Keep going.
Did you murder him?
No. Worse. I fucking forgave him.
It's disgusting, innit?
No. I'm really proud of you.
I fully support that.
[sighs]
Wait. I've got some news too.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Don't tell me Ted tried to get off with you and all.
The VC that back Bantr,
they want to finance me opening my own PR firm.
Holy fucking shit. That is huge.
Whoo! [shouts, laughs]
You are a fucking CEO and shit. That's amazing.
[chuckles] I know.
I love you so much.
[moans]
[kisses]
Look at you. The boss.
[chuckles]
Not gonna have time for me anymore.
Shut your pretty mouth.
[people chattering]
[cell phone buzzes]
Just need a second. It's Jane.
Hmm. How's all that going?
Uh, we broke up. [sighs]
[phone vibrates]
Oh. We're back on. Phew.
Here you go, boys.
Mmm. Thanks, Mae.
Thanks, Mae.
[sighs]
Don't worry about it, Ted.
It'll all wash out in a cycle. It always does.
Thank you, Mae.
[sighs] I was finished anyway.
We're opening the champagne.
What? No, I thought we were saving that for something really, really special.
Well, we didn't open it when your mum moved back up north.
We didn't open it when England got zero points in the Eurovision.
And we didn't open it when the neighbor ran over their own snake.
Oh! [shudders] That was nasty.
-So we are drinking it tonight. Duck. -[cork pops]
Ooh!
[Keeley] Yay. [chuckles]
[tablet chimes]
[gasps] Shit!
Lizzy just sent over a preview of the Vanity Fair article.
Oh, shit. They better not have used any pictures of me smiling.
Like that exists.
-Wow. -[chuckles]
Oh, no.
They didn't use any of the pictures with you in them.
Shit, I'm so sorry, Roy. That is not cool.
-I'm gonna reach out and change that. -Don't you dare.
Don't you change a fucking thing.
You look powerful. You're fucking gorgeous.
You look like a BILF.
Oh, yeah? Go on, show me, then.
[kisses]
So…
are you gonna say anything?
Well, I mean, eventually, yeah.
You may have noticed through the years I can be quite loquacious.
No. To Nate.
The anonymous source.
Oh.
Wow. What makes you think it was Nate?
Yeah.
Well, you know my philosophy
when it comes to cats, babies and apologies, Coach.
You gotta let 'em come to you.
That's not gonna happen.
Some people need a little push.
Yeah. Well, I ain't pushing nobody.
I think it'll help.
Nate will be fine.
No. It'll help you.
Coach, you keep trying to hold all this in,
I'm afraid your mustache is gonna pop off.
[chuckles]
Oh. Then I'll look like that fella from The Hangover.
Bradley Cooper.
[clicks tongue] Aw. You're too good to me.
And I like your mustache.
Hi, babe.
Hi.
Have you got a second?
Of course.
I'm so sorry.
No, don't be.
It's good.
You helped this panda become a lion. [chuckles]
I'm so proud of you. [chuckles]
-[cries, sniffles] -Thank you.
-[chuckles] -[phone vibrates]
Holy fucking shit.
Oh, no. Now what?
Rupert's just bought West Ham United.
-No. -[sighs]
And to think for a second, I thought him giving me his shares in the club
was a kind gesture.
[sniffles, sighs]
You know, I'm actually quite reassured to find out
that he is still just a selfish conniving cock.
Yeah. It does return a certain balance to the universe, doesn't it?
[both chuckle]
Promise me you will not go and work for him.
-He can't afford me. -[chuckles]
Richmond is my football club. You know that.
Hmm.
Well, that's if we get promoted. [sniffles]
You might not want to work with us.
[laughs] That's fair. [sighs]
A bit of advice for being a boss.
Hire your best friend.
[cries]
-Fuck you. -[both chuckle]
[cries, sniffles] Now I'm crying again.
[cries]
[people shouting, chattering]
Anyone want a ticket?
-All right, Mae? -Oi, oi, Mae!
-Come on, Richmond! -[crowd] Come on, Richmond!
Come on, Richmond!
You get out there and you beat 'em.
We'll smash it, right?
You get them. Fuck 'em.
[Jamie] Go, Coach.
Hmm.
Good afternoon.
-Good afternoon. -Afternoon. [chuckles]
All right. Y'all good to go on running Nate's false nine today, yeah?
Well, you'd be fools not to.
-[Ted] All right. -[clicks tongue]
Yeah, we ought to give it a shot.
Why change it now?
I agree.
Whoa! Uh-oh. Did you get kicked out of your office again?
No, no. Temporary relocation while they change the carpet in there.
It was absolutely covered in dog shit.
Oh, yeah. No, been there, done that.
Okay. Well, anybody else got anything they wanna talk about
before we head out there?
Yeah. Um,
I could, uh,
uh, use some, uh…
advice.
Wha-- Hold on.
Roy, are you saying you wanna become a Diamond Dog?
Fuck no. I'm just saying I wouldn't mind
being in the room
whilst it fucking happens.
Yeah. O-Okay. Well, how about a one-time visitor's pass
for our junkyard dog here, yeah?
-[howls] -[howls]
Woof.
Diamond Dogs, mount up!
[Ted] Yeah. I gotcha.
-Yeah. I'm just gonna stay put. -Okay. Good idea. Yeah.
[Ted grunts] You live, you learn, right? Thank you, Alanis.
All right. Roy.
Bark away.
Remember I told you I had to do that photo shoot thing with Keeley?
-Yeah, we got it. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I know I said I fucking hate doing those things,
and I do fucking hate doing those things.
But in the end,
they didn't use a single picture with me in it.
And it hurt my…
feeling.
Mmm. Mm-hmm.
-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.
In year five, I was not allowed in the class photo
because I developed a rare smile allergy.
Oof. [grunts]
Not the same situation.
The thing is, sh…
she looked so fucking great.
On her own.
Without me.
So natural.
I--
It would've actually been fucking weird if I was in the pictures.
And then at Rebecca's dad's funeral,
Jamie fucking Tartt tells her he's fucking in love with her.
-Whoa. -Dah!
And he's still alive?
Yeah. Instead of beating him to death, I fucking forgave him.
I'm still fucking furious about it.
Okay. Well, Roy, we appreciate you barking at us.
Um… [clears throat]
There's something I, uh, I have to confess as well.
Um…
Go ahead, Nate-dawg.
[clicks tongue] Roy,
when Keeley and I went shopping the other day, I kissed her. [sighs]
Yeah. She told me about it.
It's okay.
I-- I kissed her. I kissed your girlfriend.
We're good.
All Jamie did was talk to her, and you wanted to kill him.
Don't you at least wanna headbutt me or something?
You made a mistake, Nate. Don't worry about it.
No, no, I deserve to be headbutted.
I'd be happy to headbutt you, Nate.
Okay, you know what? I think that's enough right now.
We got work to do, yeah? Diamond Dogs dismount?
-[howls] -[howls]
Wait. So sometimes the fucking Diamond Dogs
is just chatting about shit,
and no one has to fucking solve anything and nothing fucking changes?
Sometimes. Yeah.
That's cool.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Oh, my God.
-[crowd cheering] -[mouthing words] Yes, yes, yes! Whoo!
[Arlo] It's the 83rd clash between these two teams
and there's never been more at stake.
Brentford with the lead but Richmond
are still in their unusual false nine formation.
I don't like it, Arlo. The last match of the season for promotion.
It's a funny time to be pulling out a new strategy.
[fans chattering, shouting]
[Arlo] Richmond trying to even it up before the half,
but they give away possession, and Brentford have numbers.
[fans cheering]
[Brentford player] Yeah!
-Fuck! -[Arlo] And that's 2-nil to Brentford.
[Chris] You try new tactics this late with this much at stake
and everyone loses their heads.
Stay back! How many times do I have to fucking tell ya? Stay back.
[mouthing words] It's all right.
Hey. We're all right!
-[whistle blows] -[Ted] It's okay! Come on now!
-[fans booing] -[Arlo] And it's halftime
of what has been a pulsating West London derby.
Brentford lead 2-nil,
and Richmond are letting a golden opportunity
slip through their fingers.
I'ma shoot y'all straight. This is bleak, yeah?
I mean, look at it out there.
Looks like a Renaissance painting portraying masculine melancholy.
[sighs] Okay, so now what? What we gonna do?
We should abandon the false nine.
It'd work if we had players who knew what the fuck they were doing.
Yeah, I don't agree, Nate. You know, I think we gotta stick with it, man.
You know, they just had 45 minutes to figure out what not to do. Yeah?
What do you think, Roy?
You should ask them.
They're the ones out there actually doing this shit.
Yeah, all right.
All right, fellas.
Coaches and I are having a little debate and wanna get y'all's take on it.
Should we stick with the false nine or switch it up?
[sighs]
The tactic is sound, and we're all perfectly capable of executing it.
It will work.
Hey, if Jan Maas says it, you know it's the truth, right?
-I wouldn't lie to you. -[giggles]
For instance, Zoreaux, you should have saved that first goal.
Bro.
[players chuckling]
Okay. It's been decided. We're gonna stick with Nate's false nine.
-Now, come on. Bring it in. Let's go. -Here we go, Greyhounds!
[players cheering, chattering]
Hey, Captain?
You gonna join us?
[sighs]
Richmond on three. One, two, three…
[all] Richmond! [cheering]
Here we go, Richmond!
[breathes heavily, sighs]
Hey, Nate.
Hey.
Everything okay?
Yes, Ted. Everything is okay.
What is it? Hmm? What'd I do?
[scoffs] What are you talking about?
Oh, come on, man. You're mad as hell at me. I just wanna know why.
Huh? What have I got to learn here?
-You wanna know what you did? -Yeah, please.
Okay. I'll tell you what you did.
You made me feel like I was the most important person in the whole world.
And then, you abandoned me.
Like you switched out a light, just like that.
And I-- I worked my ass off, trying to get your attention back.
To prove myself to you. [breathes heavily]
To make you like me again.
But the more-- the more I did, the less you cared.
It was like I was fucking invisible.
You haven't even got the photo I gave you for Christmas up in your office.
Just a picture of dumb Americans.
Now you're gonna play Nate's false nine, so when the team fuck up,
which they will, hey, you can blame it on me.
Well, no. Fuck that.
[sniffles] Everybody loves you.
The Great Ted Lasso. Well, I-- I think you're a fucking joke.
Without me, you wouldn't have won a single match.
They would've shipped your ass back to Kansas, where you belong.
With your-- With your son.
'Cause you-- you sure as hell don't belong here.
But I do. I belong here.
This didn't just fall into my lap, all right? I-- I earned this.
I know you did, Nate.
And if I didn't tell you how important you were to me enough, I'm sorry about that.
No, no. You know what? You're full of shit.
Just fuck you, Ted.
[fans cheering]
[Arlo] Richmond down two, sticking with their false nine formation
as Brentford are on the attack.
Chris, is time running out on Richmond's chances to control their future?
Only if you think of time as linear, Arlo.
Yes, Chris. I do.
[Arlo] Good pressure from Rojas.
That's lovely from Tartt.
Obisanya is in.
He scores!
[fans cheering]
And thanks to that Obisanya goal,
Richmond's hopes for promotion are still alive.
Let's go! Let's go! Come on! One more!
[cheering]
Oh, my God!
That's how you play a false nine, Arlo.
Pack the midfield, stay organized. Look for the gaps. Well done.
-Hey, here we go! -[Roy] Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
-[team cheering, shouting] -Yes!
[Arlo] All the other results are in.
AFC Richmond,
miraculously after a historically dreadful start to the season,
are only one point out of second place.
[chanting] Come on, Richmond. Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond.
[Arlo] If they can somehow salvage a draw,
Richmond will be promoted back to the Premier League.
[Chris] All they need is one moment of individual brilliance, Arlo.
-[chanting continues] Come on, Richmond. -[Arlo] Can they find it in time?
Come on, Richmond. Come on, Richmond.
Come on, Richmond. Come on, Richmond. Come on, Richmond…
[Arlo] A long ball from the Dutchman.
Tartt is there!
Is this the moment for Richmond?
[fans shouting]
Referee!
-[whistle blows] -[Arlo] It's a penalty.
[Coach Beard] Yeah!
-Yes! -Yes! Yes!
[crowd cheering]
[Chris] We have to think Tartt will be the one to take it.
He hasn't missed a penalty all season.
[fans cheering]
[breathing heavily]
[Brentford player chatters indistinctly]
Dani.
You got this, muchacho.
It'll be fun. Trust me.
[Arlo] It looks like Tartt is giving the ball to Rojas,
who hasn't kicked a penalty since, well…
Come on, Dani!
[exhales]
[teammates chattering]
Let's go, Dani!
Here we go, Dani!
[chattering]
[fans chattering]
[players chattering]
[dog whimpers]
Football is life.
[crowd cheering]
[Arlo] Richmond have done it!
With that goal, they'll finish in second place
and will return to the Premier League in their very first attempt.
[chanting] We are going up! We are going up!
Yeah, we are going up!
Yeah!
-[whistle blows] -[Arlo] It's all over!
Richmond have done the impossible
through grit, determination and most of all belief!
[Chris] I was promoted a time or two in my career, Arlo.
It's a real achievement.
Richmond deserve this.
[Arlo] They remain a club without a major trophy, it must be said.
-[players, crowd chanting] -But it won't feel that way tonight.
Final score: Richmond 2, Brentford 2.
And the joy is back at Nelson Road.
[chattering, cheering]
-Yeah! -Hey! Come on! Come on!
[groans] Fucking hell! What'd you do that for?
-So I could do this. -[grunts]
-Yeah! -Yeah!
Yes! Let's go!
-Yeah! -[laughing]
-Oh! -Yeah!
-You want some water? -Yes, please.
[cheering continues]
[teammates, singing] ♪ We're Richmond till we die ♪
♪ We know we are, we're sure we are We're Richmond till we die ♪
♪ We're Richmond till we die We're Richmond till we die ♪
♪ We know we are, we're sure we are We're Richmond till we die ♪
♪ We're Richmond till we die We're Richmond till we die ♪
♪ We know we are, we're sure we are We're Richmond till we die ♪
♪ We're Richmond till we die ♪
Sam.
♪ We know we are, we're sure we are ♪
♪ We're Richmond till we die We're Richmond till we die ♪
♪ We know we are, we're sure we are We're Richmond till we die ♪
-[singing continues] -[inhales sharply, sighs]
Sam! Hey. Sammo, hey.
Excellent performance.
Yeah, the goal, of course, speaks for itself, yeah.
But your tactical discipline, hey.
They are certainly going to miss you around here.
Ah, um… [chuckles] Mr. Akufo.
I truly enjoyed meeting you, uh, a-and I'm so flattered by your offer.
I'm sorry, but my answer is, "No, thank you."
And I-- I don't believe my time here at Richmond is over.
And-- And for that reason, I have to stay.
I hope you can understand.
You Nigerian motherfucker!
Whoa.
You Yoruba trash.
Who the fuck do you think you are, wasting my time?
You medium-talent piece of shit.
"Medium-talent"?
I will dedicate my life to destroying you, you fucking asshole!
Hmm? You will never play on the Nigerian national team.
Hmm. You understand me, pinky-dick? Never!
Huh?
I will buy your childhood home, and I will take a shit in every room.
And then I will burn the place down.
Yeah. Then, I will sit there, and I'll eat kenkey,
and I'll poop on the fucking ashes. I promise you this, hey.
Okay. [chuckles]
I will never forget this disrespect.
Fuck you, Sam Obisanya.
Fucking dare!
-[crashing, thudding] -That dick! [grunts]
[grunting, straining]
[grunts] Huh?
Yes. [blows raspberry]
Poop, poop.
[speaking Twi]
-[reporters clamoring] -Okay, y'all. Hey, settle down, y'all.
Okay, okay. Easy, easy now. Easy. Hey, hey.
Y'all, come on. Calm down, all right? Look, um--
Well, right off the cricket bat here, I wanna address the article
written by our good friend, Mr. Trent Crimm from The…
[camera shutters clicking]
Or rather, I want to share with y'all the truth
about my recent struggles with anxiety.
And, well, my overall concern
about the way we discuss and deal with mental health in athletics.
[reporters shouting]
[knocks]
Hey, boss. Just wanted to congratulate you on your promotion.
You too, Ted. Champagne to celebrate?
-I'll just take a glass of water, please. -Still or sparkling?
Yes. Still. Right.
You know, before living here, I used to think still water
was just folks saying it's still water, you know?
Like, it was water, and it continues to remain to be water. [chuckles]
Well, there's no greater education than travel.
A-freaking-men. [chuckles]
Well, hey. Next season should be fun, right? [chuckles]
Well, one that'll include an old friend.
Rupert's bought West Ham United.
Did he now?
Well, that'll be a nice change.
Having our run-ins with him being scheduled,
-as opposed to his normal sneak attacks. -[chuckles]
Hi, Rebecca.
And Coach.
Uh, sorry. [chuckles]
No. Hey. Sam, go ahead. Stick around. I was getting ready to leave.
-No, Ted. Stay. -No, no, no, no. It's okay.
Yeah. Okay.
[clears throat]
Um, I just wanted to let you both know
that I've decided to stay.
[exhales heavily]
Hey, that's great, Sam.
Yes. I'm glad to hear that, Sam.
How did Edwin Akufo take the news?
Um, not-- not well. [chuckles] Uh, he stormed off.
He's already halfway back to Ghana.
Oh, shoot. I was really looking forward
to that goodbye handshake from Francis. [clicks tongue]
[chuckles]
Well, I should go.
Hey, Sam. I-- I was just curious.
Uh, what, um-- Why'd you decide to stay?
Um… [sighs]
I wish I could say it was because of my feelings for you,
but the truth is, I think I need to stop worrying about how others feel about me.
I'm staying because it's what's best for me and my personal journey.
Mmm.
[door closes]
Hmm.
Thank you.
He might have been talking to you when he was looking at me.
Yes. I know that, Ted.
[clears throat, sighs]
-Oh, hell. You crushed that. -[sighing] Yeah.
Coach Lasso.
Hey. There he is. I was worried about you.
I thought you might've been in a bike accident.
Actually, I don't know how to ride a bicycle.
Really? That surprises me.
Why? 'Cause of the hair and the whole vibe?
Yeah, I guess so.
Why the heck weren't you at the press conference?
Because I am no longer a reporter.
I was fired when they found out I revealed an anonymous source.
Oh, snap. I-- I didn't say anything, I promise.
No, I know, Ted. I did.
I'm looking for something different. Deeper.
Hmm. Well, as the man says, you gotta follow your bliss, right?
Sorry you're out of a job.
You know what this makes you now, though, right?
[clicks tongue] Trent Crimm. Independent.
Yeah. [chuckles]
Yeah, yeah. My father made the same joke.
Yeah. He sounds like a cool guy. Mmm.
Well, I hope our paths cross again soon, Trent.
As do I, Ted. I love our chats.
You want a ride?
Well, I prefer to walk, but I appreciate ya.
And Ted,
good luck next season.
[handle clicks]
[groans]
Shit.
[sighs]
-This the last of it? -Yeah. Just these and Trixibelle.
Right.
I got you a last-day- working-in-the-same-building present.
Here.
Airplane tickets?
You got me airplane tickets?
To Marbella.
How did you get actual printed tickets?
From my travel agent, Kathy. She's old-school.
Roy, are you sure they still take paper tickets at airports?
Like, is the plane gonna have propellers?
Oh, my God. Am I gonna be able to smoke on the flight?
Right, stop it. You are missing the point.
[laughs]
Tomorrow, you and I
are going to a villa by the sea for six weeks
so you can chill out before you start kicking ass in your new job.
And I'm going to take the first holiday I've taken since I was 12,
where I don't have to stay in shape or rehab my fucking knee.
I'm gonna gorge myself to death on tapas,
and it will take fucking ages.
[laughs]
Babe, thank you.
But I can't go.
What? Why not?
I don't start work in six weeks.
-I started like a week ago. -Yeah, I know.
That's why I made sure the place has got proper Wi-Fi and everything.
You can do all your emails and shit, but from a balcony with a sea view.
Roy, I'd love to. But I can't.
I-- I just can't.
But you should go.
Are we breaking up?
No. Why would you say that?
Of course not.
You are gonna take a well-earned holiday
while I lock myself in a dark room and work nonstop.
And I'll see you in six weeks.
Keeley.
Roy. I love you.
We'll be fine.
I'll see you in six weeks.
[kisses]
[growls]
Congratulations.
-[camera shutter clicking] -What's it gonna be?
A Nigerian restaurant.
-[man] Move! I want it faster! Go! -[players] Coach! Sir!
-[coach blows whistle] Move! -[players] Coach!
-[blows whistle] Next. Go. -Sir!
-[blows whistle] Move it! -Coach!
-[blows whistle] Go! -Sir!
-[blows whistle] Move! Go! -Coach!
[whispers indistinctly]
-[coach] Move! Go! -[players] Coach! Sir!
-Move! -Coach!