And to the American people who supported me
with a majority of the popular vote,
ipromise you, this amazing clean energy joint venture...
You know, Wendy and I have been meeting with surrogates.
She is so excited about my sperm being in another woman, it's weird.
For the winds of economic change,
- they are blowing. - (Applause)
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Why is my hair all spinning around and these things, like you, are doing nothin'?
Apparently, they shut the turbines off if the winds speeds are too high.
Is it too late to turn them into oil derricks?
Ma'am, I just got some really sad news. Your mother's in the hospital.
What?
- It looks like a stroke. - Again?
We can 86 the meet-and-greet with the engineers.
- That's no problem. - Why?
Because you need to rush to your mother's bedside.
- Yeah. - All right, okay, I'm...
(Theme music playing)
(Siren blaring)
Mike: I hope mee-maw's okay.
She's been at death's door like five times, but she always bounces back to life.
- Gary: That's true. - She's like that guy, uh...
- Lazarus. - Rasputin.
She seemed sweet when she visited the white house.
Really? Let me tell you something.
After I lost my first election for State Senate,
mother says to me, "well, it's not your fault. It's just your toothy smile."
Oh, my god. I love your smile.
- That's not the point. - Looks weirder if you don't show your teeth.
(Sighs) I just cannot believe that this has happened in the middle of all of this.
I know. I know. I'll tell you, when my mom got ovarian cancer...
Oh, call Kent.
(Crowd yelling)
And that is why we have to stop
this reckless meddling in the electoral process.
Stick to the legal deadline and certify the count as it stands.
- (Camera clicking) - Thank you, your honors.
May it please the court.
There are many things that we could all stand here
and debate for hours on end.
Is the sky blue? Is water wet?
But isn't it far worse to adhere to an arbitrary deadline
rather than counting every valid vote?
Protestors: (Chanting) Ho, ho! This endless recount's...
Dan: Jesus, an electoral protest?
Wait a second, that's the o'brien nimrod from the recount table.
A fake protest. That is classic o'brien. It's such a scumbag move.
This endless recount's got to go. Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
Yep, I'll raid petty cash.
Mike: Ma'am, you have to see this dumb o'brien tweet.
"Another day wasting taxpayer dollars.
"Meyer plus windmills, cost money, do nothing."
Well, that's on you, isn't it?
See if you can spin something right today, okay?
- God. - Ma'am, Amy's calling.
Ame, hi. What's going on?
Ma'am, I'm so, so sorry.
- What? What happened? - What?
Your mother. I read on huffpo that she was in the hospital.
Amy, I thought you were talking about the recount.
Don't ever, ever scare me like that again.
I'm sorry.
Just do whatever it takes to get these ballots counted, okay?
My mother's gonna be fine. I got to go.
- God, we just... - Okay.
Oh, wow.
Everyone's here.
This is your temporary mobile oval.
I'm sorry, is there a kettle or clothing steamer in here?
- No. - Okay, this is gonna be quite the day.
- So, where's my mother? Okay. - She's down the hall to the right.
- And Andrew's here. - What?
- Sue: At Catherine's request.
But I made sure he had nowhere to sit.
You are good people, sue.
Andrew.
Wow. Hi, you got here quick.
- Catherine called me. You were away. - Yeah, serving the country.
- I'm sorry about your mother. - Thank you.
Oh, this is Monica.
A pleasure to meet you, madam president. My thoughts are so with you right now.
Thank you so much.
- You brought a date. - I don't know her.
Monica and I are seeing one another. She's part of my life.
- Oh. - She writes books on homemaking,
- blogs about entertaining. - I do know her. (Chuckles)
She does some of the local morning shows.
- Wbal has her on during the holidays. - Oh, my god.
Okay, sweetie, the president does not want to hear my resume right now.
She's a smart one. You can maybe pick up something from her.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
I just want to say my wife is obsessed with your spiced eggnog. We drink it year-round.
Thank you. It makes a really yummy ice cream.
- Shut up. - Yeah.
(Soft music playing via speakers)
- Hi, sweetie. - Hi, mom.
Oh, Catherine, this is...
- Hey, cat. - Thank you so much for coming.
- You two know each other? - We've all been hanging out a bunch.
Yeah, monnie gave me this sweater.
No, I definitely didn't give you that sweater.
- Not that color. - No, I didn't.
I'm sorry, I think she's talking about me.
She calls me "monnie". Sounds like "mommy".
Mmm-hmm. Well, okay.
(Music continues)
- I can't take this music, okay? - Yeah. Please.
The campaign's over, I don't have to pretend to like country music anymore.
This is Tim McGraw. It's mee-maw's favorite song.
What? No. Mee-maw's favorite song
is whatever is playing in the background at neiman Marcus.
Please turn it off, okay?
Mom, you should say hi to her.
Honey, if I wanted to talk to an unconscious person,
- I'd book myself on Charlie Rose. - (Laughs)
Mmm.
What happened to her nails?
Looks like she's been diggin' for potatoes, or something.
Why are you even worried about her hands right now?
That is so not important.
- Catherine, mother loves her hands. - Yeah.
She always wore dishwashing gloves when she gave me my bath.
Which is why I don't do dishes. I just now realized that.
Hello, madam president. I'm Dr. Mirpuri.
- Dr. Mir... - Mirpuri.
Mir-piri. Okay. How is she doing?
I'm afraid it's quite dire. All brain function has ceased.
(Catherine sobbing)
So, she's not gonna bounce back?
I'm afraid she'll need to stay on life support until she expires.
Did you still want to do her nails?
- Oh, yes, I do. - Okay.
Wendy: No, we're not hiring that woman.
It was just a cold sore, honey.
I don't want to pay 40 grand for a herpes baby.
- Oh, hey, debralee? - Yes, hi.
Hey. Mike, yes. Nice to meet you.
- Wendy, hi. - Debralee. Hi, Wendy. So nice to meet you.
- You want anything? - I'm good. Thank you, though.
I just had a kombucha on my way over.
- So... - Okay, so, I'll just dive on in
and give you guys a little background on me.
You already know I've carried three babies to term.
I keep everything organic. I exercise every day.
I don't drink or smoke and I never have.
- That's amazing. - I mean, that's exactly what we're looking for.
- Praise Jesus. - Mike: Mmm-hmm.
Are y'all christians?
Yes. Mmm-hmm, yes.
I mean, a lot of people think that I'm Jewish, but that... no.
- Oh. (Laughs) - Christian.
What church y'all go to?
- Our lady... - Of the holy womb...
- Of the holy womb. - Womb of Jesus.
It's a small congregation, but it's fierce.
It's holy.
Okay, Emily's working on her nails now.
- Good. Dark? - Excuse me, madam president?
Your mother was a bit vague on the dnr.
- Okay. - So, it will come down to you.
- Praying for a miracle. - Please don't.
Okay.
Okay. Well, Dr. Mccurry...
- Mirpuri. - Yes, that's what I said.
So, what does that entail, you know, the pulling of the plug?
There's not really a plug.
What we're talking about requires removing the ventilator tube.
- (Groaning) - And then as her organs begin to fail...
Okay, I'm gonna have to sit down for just a minute, if that's all right.
- We would be tracking her vitals... - (Catherine sobbing)
It's okay, Catherine. It's okay.
(Wailing inconsolably)
Oh, wow. That is loud, honey. That's loud.
Oh, Stephen Hawking here is indisposed,
- Marjorie, can you help me with this? - Yes, ma'am. Yeah.
I just want to assure you, madam president,
we would do everything in our power to ensure...
Yeah, just a sec. Something's pressing here, Kent!
- Yeah. - I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude.
I chose a parabolic path deliberately out of earshot.
It's fine, come here.
What's up?
I just needed to get a break from the hindu grim reaper out there.
(Sighs)
I don't know if this provides any solace,
but ever since your mother's health setback was announced,
there has been an outpouring of support...
That has driven up your favorables.
I'm talking about pulling the plug on my mother here.
How is half a percentage point in the polls supposed to sweeten that shit biscuit?
- More like double digits. - Really?
Mmm-hmm.
But just out of curiosity,
if I were to, you know...
(Imitates unplugging)
Would that end?
There is a possibility of a shorter-lived, but numerically greater outpouring,
if you will, a "death bump".
- Really? - Really.
- Well, that is some wild and heavy stuff. - 4ndeed.
Yeah. I got some real soul-searching to do.
(Snaps fingers)
I have been in Washington a long time and I thought I had seen everything,
but the insensitivity shown by senator o'brien
clearly demonstrates that this man does not possess
the judgment and dignity necessary...
True statesman right there.
Okay, so, now what I need is a quiet place to think
that doesn't have Mike's stupid face in it.
- I can turn around, ma'am. - There's a chapel on the fourth floor.
- We can make sure it's cleared out for you. - Okay, yeah.
Those we have loved cannot be lost because they are always a part of us.
Thank you, Ben, and whoever wrote those words.
- Look what I found. - Too late.
Of course.
I recognize those words.
They were in the card your wife sent me when my cat fibonacci passed.
I found them soothing.
Hey, hey, ho, ho! This endless recount's got to go!
- God, that's a great chant. - Just catchy.
Jesus, lose the fucking badge, man.
Jesus Christ. All right, show me the art.
Okay, we got "count totes the votes."
- What is that? What's "totes"? - It's like a...
Totes, like all... count all the votes.
You guys have one job to do, that is to rally the crowd
with your pro-potus signs
- and get your camera-unfriendly faces on TV. - Yes.
You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that,
18 to 34-year-old women are gonna be distracted by that.
The only thing that women 18 to 34 are gonna do
when they see you on camera, is file a restraining order.
So, make some fuckin' noise, dummies. What the fuck are you smiling at?
- I'm just happy to be here. - Unbelievable.
What do we want? To get the votes counted!
When do we want it? Uh, hopefully before the deadline!
Selina: Do you pray? Gary: A lot.
What do you pray for?
You... you know...
Hmm.
You maybe want to try it?
Sure. You know, what the hell? We're here, right?
- Okay, all right. - Yeah.
Okay.
God, I, um...
I just...
- Oh, lord god, it's me, selina. - Oh, lord god. It's me, selina...
- Grant me wisdom and strength. - Grant me wisdom and strength.
- Give us... - Give us your comforting presence...
- I've got it, now. I've got it. - Okay, yep.
Lord god, please ease my mother's pain...
Yes, lord. Yes, lord.
- Ease her passing. Ease it all. - (Moans)
- Yes. - Ease it down the...
Mmm.
The...
Lord, let her daughter, thy humble servant,
be the first woman elected president of the United States.
Please, this is so much to bear.
(Sighs) Oh, it is, lord. It is.
- Hear my prayer. - Hear her prayer.
- Lift me up. - Lift her up, lord.
No, I mean, actually lift me up 'cause my heel is stuck in this thing.
Yeah, I got it.
Um, okay, just so you know, after the ventilator is removed,
there might be some coughing.
It's reflexive. It's not a sign that she's aware or suffering in any way.
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay, why don't I give you a moment to say good-bye.
Oh, you mean now?
- (Groans) - (Monitor beeping)
(Respirator hissing)
Well, that's much better.
Mmm.
Well, mother...
I just want you...
Those you loved cannot be lost because they are always a part of you.
(Clears throat) Okay.
Sorry, it can wait till later.
- No, no, come in. - You sure?
Yeah, come in.
Yeah, Dr. Mir... can you...
- Okay, Nicole, you can go ahead and begin. - (Clears throat)
Ma'am, I don't really think we should be here for this.
No, no, you've got to stay. You've got to stay.
Doctor: Okay, she's just gonna remove the ventilator...
Gary: (Groans) Okay.
- (Monitor beeping) - (Phone buzzes)
(Phone buzzes)
What...
So, in your experience,
how long does this sort of thing carry on?
- Usually minutes. - Okay.
- I have seen hours. - Huh?
Days are very rare.
Oh, well, that's not gonna work
because for me with my schedule and life...
- (Ringtone tinkling) - Jesus Christ.
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Selina: (Whispering) Turn that off.
- (Tinkling stops) - (Phones buzzing)
Okay, no...
(Monitor hums)
Um, she's gone, madam president.
- Yeah, okay. - My condolences.
- Can I just have a moment? - Yes, of course. Absolutely.
Well, why don't you check your phones?
Sounds like you shoplifted a bunch of vibrators.
The Nevada state supreme court issued a temporary stay of certification.
The count will continue.
(Laughing)
Oh, my prayer worked, right?
Maybe! Maybe!
You wanted help from above, here it is.
Yeah. It's fantastic.
Mom? What's going on? What's everyone cheering about?
Is mee-maw better?
Catherine. I thought you were here.
No, iwent to get coffee. I asked you if you wanted anything.
No, I... ldidn't hear you say that.
Wait, she's gone?
You... you pulled the plug without me?
It wasn't a plug. It was a ventilator tube that they just...
- (Sobbing) - Oh, darling. Honey, no, no, no.
Mee-maw didn't know you weren't here, honey.
She's brain dead. Baby doll, she was brain dead.
We got good news about Nevada.
(Laughs)
Wait, what?
We got good news from Nevada.
(Continues laughing)
Mom?
- I'm gonna step outside. - Okay.
Mother would never let me use the good piano.
(Chuckles)
I always had to take my lessons on the shitty upright in the den.
(Plays chord)
Oh, you know what? That would be a good story for the eulogy.
Mom, why would you want to paint mee-maw in such a negative light?
Catherine, Thomas fucking kinkade couldn't paint mee-maw in a positive light.
- (Sighs) Oh, my god. You never knew daddy. - Oh.
He was so sweet, mee-maw blamed me for his death.
What?
I think that's probably your interpretation of it.
Oh, Catherine, you have no idea
what it was like to be the only daughter of a pathological narcissist.
I mean, all this woman did was criticize me or ignore me.
(Sighs) I'm gonna go to bed.
- Okay. - Selina: Okay, night.
- The pillows are not for sleeping. - Mmm-hmm.
Sue: Ma'am, your mother's attorney, George huntzinger, is here.
Okay. Uncle George.
Selina. Or should I say "madam president"?
(Laughs) Oh, my goodness. I'm so happy to see you.
You know what? You were always my favorite of all of mother's lawyers.
- You're too kind. - No, it's true.
So, we need to get you the keys to mother's summer house for the appraisers.
Right over here? Yeah.
- She was the most darling woman. - Yes, she certainly was in a sense, yeah.
- Here's the key, sir. - There we go.
Ma'am, we really need to return to funeral planning.
Yes.
So many people outside.
I feared I might have to start driving over them to get in here.
Really? Protesters?
This country's just lost its sense of decency.
- Well, they're animals. - No, no. Heavens, no.
They're well-wishers.
- Really? - Yeah.
People are wishing me well?
Well, of course, they are. You're in mourning.
Oh, right. Yeah.
Thank you so much. You're too kind. I appreciate it.
Oh, my goodness. I feel like a bride.
A sad bride because, of course, this is a day of grief.
Her brain was quite damaged for quite a long time.
I love you. (Laughs)
There are so many friendly and diverse faces here.
And I wish that mother were alive to see this on her property.
- Woman: O'brien. - Ms brookheimer, how goes the count?
Oh, it's great if you want a bloated booze bag
- to be our next president. - Really?
O'brien.
So, o'brien's a lush?
- Did Eleanor Roosevelt eat pussy? - (Laughs) Oh! Jesus.
Oh, god, I'm sorry. It's the way we talk in the white house.
I'm not even aware I'm doing it anymore.
Wow. I mean, you seem so... And then... whew.
Hey, it may not even be true.
Did she eat pussy or did she just fingerbang her way down Pennsylvania Avenue?
- Fuck my mouth. I'm doing it again. - Jiminy cricket.
Wow.
Mike: Damn it. Apparently, our born-again surrogate
is super against dnr,
so, when potus pulled the plug on motus, she started having second thoughts.
Did you explain to her that there is no scientific evidence of a higher power?
- How long has this yogurt been in here? - Make yourself at home, Mike.
- Don't eat the bananas. They're wax. - Copy that.
- Shit news from Nevada. - What?
The new votes are tilting heavily toward o'brien.
Apparently, most of them are military absentees.
Of course. Fort dutton. It all makes sense.
No, no, no. That doesn't make any sense. Nevada is my state. I'm gonna be president.
I'm gonna be the first elected lady president.
I'm gonna have a lovely inauguration. Billy Joel is gonna sing.
So, you guys have to stop the recount.
- I'm sorry, what? - Stop the count.
- Shut up, Gary. Ma'am, we can't. - I don't care.
The train has very publically left the station and derailed at high speed.
You got to stop the count.
Ma'am, this would look like a size-14 flip-flop.
- We really can't... - I don't give a fuck!
You're gonna cancel this recount like Anne frank's bat mitzvah.
Yeah, I'm on it, though I think the dj already spent the deposit.
I'm on it right... yeah, Amy. Yeah.
(Yells) I'm tired of losing things!
We would like to file a motion to exclude all pending ballots from the recount.
- (Audience murmuring) - (Gavel pounding)
Ms Collins, you do realize that what you're saying
is in diametric opposition to the case you presented yesterday?
If the deadline has passed, why is the recount allowed to continue?
Objection, your honor. The count must continue.
Did we tell huey, Dewey, and rapey
that it's "stop the count" now and not "count every vote"?
Shit.
(Chanting) Count every vote! Count every vote!
Doesn't he work for o'brien?
No. Jesus. Come on, Richard, no.
- Count every vote! - Come on! Let 'em hear you!
Dan: Jonah!
- Count every vote! - Richard!
Stop protesting, you idiots!
Count every vote! Count every vote!
Count every vote!
(Sighs) Maybe I'll get assassinated.
(Bell tolling)
- Selina, selina, selina. - Yes. What?
- Life takes so many turns... - Yeah.
I just want you to know where I'm coming from.
All right.
Monica, she's sweet, she's lovely, she's short-term.
She's something to get me through the long nights, for now.
Andrew, you know that we're at a funeral, right? We're not at club med.
In here, it's always been you.
- Gary: Mmm. - Wow. Wow.
(Gasps) In a church.
- Madam president. - Oh, Tom.
- I'm so sorry for your loss. - Thank you very much.
Thanks for being here, Tom. I appreciate it.
I see that Charlie baird is here.
Yes. Yeah, he flew in this morning.
So, who's fisting the American economy while he's here?
Really, Tom?
My apologies, madam president.
- God. - Charlie.
- Tom my. - Yeah?
- Ma'am. - Hang on, two seconds.
-Hi, Gary.
Wow. Your ex, not afraid to mix business with mourning.
Yeah. How soon after meeting you did he ask you to invest in his latest venture?
- Seventeen seconds. I timed it. - Really?
Some can't-lose scheme about the third-largest hotel chain in Brazil.
- Can't lose. - Can't lose.
- Got to see if I still have my wallet. - (Both laughing)
- Ma'am, sorry to interrupt. - Yeah?
- The eulogy is all set. - Okay.
- And I added the good piano anecdote. - Perfect.
- Ma'am, I don't know if that was the best... - No, it works.
Andrew.
Can anybody get in on this Brazil thing? I got a baby to pay for.
Please let me play the Tim McGraw song. Okay? I have it all cued up.
Seriously, Catherine, this is a funeral, not a Nascar race.
I don't have the time for this right now.
When do you have the time, then, mom? When? Okay?
- Shh. - Because you don't like Tim McGraw,
then nobody is supposed to like Tim McGraw.
Catherine, you are forbidden
from saying the words "Tim McGraw" ever again.
Unbelievable. Mee-maw was so right about you.
What is that supposed to mean? What is that...
- Pardon me. Could I borrow you for a minute? - What?
I've just been kibitzing with the Qatari ambassador,
Mohammed bin nasser bin khalifa ai jaffar.
- Please don't have him sign the guest book. - Yeah.
Yeah, he comes bringing a message from China.
Why would China go through Qatar?
Qataris love to insert themselves.
- They're wet-fingered. - They're into ass play?
No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.
I'll bet they're into ass play, too.
Those people that you bring in,
as they bring in people, you get a piece of that.
I get a piece of that.
In perpetuity.
- Madam president. - Mr. Ambassador.
So, I understand you have a message for me.
What I say to you
- is in the strictest of confidence. - Mmm-hmm.
The sanctions you have threatened against our friends in China
may undermine their very fragile economy at a most inopportune moment.
But in exchange for easing the economic pressure,
they would be open to indirect talks.
What is on the table?
Oh, everything.
From climate change to human rights. We shall be in touch.
Thank you, ambassador al...
Okay.
Well, that was mysterious, right?
- Ma'am. They're ready for you. - Yeah.
Let's get this show on the road.
Priest: We are gathered together today
to remember the life of Catherine calvert eaton.
This China thing is like legacy material, right?
- (Phone buzzes) - Nobel peace prize material.
(Organ playing)
(Blows)
(Groans)
What?
I'll tell you after.
Tell me now.
Karen couldn't stop the count.
We officially lost Nevada, so, we're gonna have to fight it out in congress.
- And... - And what? What else?
With all the new votes going to o'brien, we've...
Kent.
- We lost the popular vote. - Oh, god.
Oh, wow.
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
- Sorry for your loss. - Yeah.
Okay.
I grieve with thee.
Oh, thank you, Kent.
As we begin our service, we will now hear from her daughter,
president selina meyer.
(Clears throat)
My mother had a good piano.
(Sobbing) I'm sorry. It's just all sort of hitting me right now.
I have lost
so much.
I'm sorry. I can't. I can't.
Catherine, play the Tim McGraw thing.
(Music playing)
(Continues sobbing)
(Sobbing)
Just not fair. This is just not fair.
- A very moving eulogy. - Oh, thank you, George.
When you feel up to it, you and Catherine and I
should sit down and discuss the estate and how you fit into all of it.
How I fit into the estate?
It's not uncommon for an inheritance to skip a generation
and your mother decided to leave the bulk of her estate to Catherine.
The bulk?
- It'll all be fine. - Yes.
- Great speech. - Thank you.
- Love that song. - Okay.
Uh, sorry about what I said earlier.
That was the grief talking.
- All right. - Catherine, honey?
- I need a tissue. - I don't have a tissue.
Well, that's useless.
- Ma'am. - Yes.
I hated my father.
Thank you, Tom.
To congress we go.
To congress we go, yeah.
Congratulations.