(Theme music playing)
Well, this last year has been fun.
You know, really fun!
I mean, I'm not gonna lie.
You know, to have gotten so close to the presidency
and then have the American people and congress
reject me was, um...
Was devastating.
But, um...
I did reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine
by the name of selina meyer.
And I like her. (Chuckles)
That's fantastic.
If you're justjoining us, former president and my old boss,
selina meyer, is with us live for her first public appearance
since the historic vote in the house of representatives one year ago today.
Madam president, why now?
Well, Dan, [realized that I have more of myself to give.
This is a big day, people.
Campaign starts right now,
because we are going to make buddy Calhoun the next governor
of this dried coyote turd of a state.
My campaign manager and fiancee, Amy brookheimer.
- Can you just say "campaign manager"? - I love that enthusiasm.
Reminder. Nevada is the sagebrush state...
Yeah, so saddle up those emphysema tanks, you inbred cousin-fuckers,
'cause we are going to drag this state into the 20th century.
- Well... - That's right, I said 20th.
(Chuckles) Tracy, how are we doing on yard signs?
Writing a memoir, I feel, is a debt that a president owes to history.
- Amen. - Cameraman: Shh.
And I'm doing my best to help the scholars of the future reckon with the meyer years...
Year.
Um... um...
- In america's great tapestry of history. - Hmm.
Now, your predecessor, president Stuart Hughes,
his memoir has reportedly fetched an advance of $20 million, while yours...
Yeah, I'm really much more focused on the tapestry itself,
the weave, the thread count,
the old lady at the loom...
We're looking for a few small tweaks in federal tax law
concerning independent contractors,
which brings us to our very own mover and shaker, beltway Ben.
Thanks, Aiden.
What we need to do...
(Stammers) I don't have a slide show thingy. Sorry.
It's, uh, it's called a deck.
Great.
So, what we need to do is to get this onto the desk of congressman Jarvis.
Without him, we don't have a chinaman's chance.
- I'm sorry, Ben. Uh... - Yes?
Here at uber and in the rest of the world,
the word "chinaman" is considered inappropriate.
No, no, no. It's okay.
My wife is oriental.
All of them have been.
I kind of got yellow fever.
(Laughs)
Now, you've recently drawn some criticism
over an 11th-hour pardon of billionaire, private prison magnate sherman tanz,
who's under indictment of tax evasion and bribery charges.
I have pardoned hundreds of nonviolent drug offenders,
many of them adults who never learned to read, which is a tragedy.
But sherman tanz...
And that is why I'm taking this opportunity to announce my charitable organization,
the meyer fund for adult literacy.
Certainly a worthwhile cause, but if we could bring it back to sherman tanz...
And aids.
Wow.
- Aids? - Yes, aids.
Aids is a big part of the tapestry.
Explain. Connect the dots for me.
Jonah: My fellow representatives,
my conscience demands that I speak out against hr 723,
the so-called healthy school lunch act.
Dessert is an apple.
I mean, it's no wonder kids are shooting up schools with lunches like these.
When I was a kid, I ate sloppyjoes, pizza on a bagel.
The only green bean I ate was a green jelbeean
and I grew up to be so tall, my stupid mom had to get a different car.
I will fight against green beans
the same way that I fought against my deadly disease called cancer.
For the children.
Yeah, well, I think sometimes people forget that I was the first female president.
Before montez.
Oh, that's right.
Uh, well, speaking of president Laura montez,
she won the nobel peace prize for her work in Tibet.
Unprecedented.
What did you think of her speech?
Oh, good lord.
I didn't really get a chance to see it because I was... (Coughs)
(Clears throat) I was out of the country. (Coughs)
This is really great. (Chuckles)
Uh-oh!
Ho, ho, ho, ho!
(Sighs)
- Before I let you go... - Uh-huh.
I've got to ask what we're all thinking.
- The white house. - Hmm.
So, you're definitely not gonna run again in three years?
I have no plans to run at this time.
I'm also very busy with adult literacy.
- And aids? - And aids, yes.
- We must never forget aids. - Certainly not.
A very special thank you to our very special guest, president selina meyer.
- He's a great guy. - Oh.
Back to you, Jane.
Thanks, Danny.
Danny egan has been filling in as my co-host this week,
and we think that he is doing a terrificjob.
We'll be right back with more CBS this morning.
Man: And we're clear.
Okay, well, we got that done.
- Madam president, it's so good to see you. - Jane!
Oh, for goodness' sakes!
- You let your hair grow. - (Chuckles) Yeah.
We should have lunch now that you're back.
- Good, good. - Thanks.
- Wonderful, wonderful. - Ciao.
- What is she like? - Oh, I love her.
'Cause I've heard she's a complete gash and a half.
- Yeah, she really is. - Yeah.
Yeah. Hey, thank you so much for doing this.
I am so glad to hear that you're feeling better.
Oh, come on, come on. Everything's... yes.
- Gary. - Dan.
So, how did I do?
- Somebody tell me how I did. - Oh, my god, you were fantastic!
Literally, anyone.
- You were great, ma'am. - Thank you, Richard.
- Oh, absolutely. - Thank you.
- I need my coat and I need my purse. - Oh...
Mmm-hmm.
Can you believe this?
On the anni-fucking-versary of the historic house vote.
I feel like we're celebrating my frat house gang rape.
Except I didn't even get a candlelight vigil.
I love candles.
Hey, Richard, what else do we have lined up for me?
You've got interviews the rest of the day, ma'am.
- Yeah, but you got to call wilner at the times. - Indianapolis times, got it.
And time magazine, let's get in touch with them
- because the world really needs to know... - About the gangbang thing?
Well, I know you.
- Hey, hey. - Hey.
- So? - Sublime.
- Yeah? - Lee, just sublime.
- So, you don't think I came off too... - Insane? Not at all.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, good. What about when he threw the Hughes question at me
about the advance? I mean...
I didn't actually watch the interview,
but everybody's talking about how gorgeous you looked.
- Oh, good. - (Laughs) Yeah.
You wanna try that new place I was telling you about?
I gotta bolt, but I will catch up with you all later, though.
So, wait a minute. You're not coming back to the office?
No, I got an unofficial lunch with a potential big foreign donor for the meyer fund.
- Oh! - That could get us into trouble down the line.
Sefior ocampo is having trouble nudging his visas through,
so I called our friends over at the state department.
That definitely will.
I look foward to seeing you in your entirety a little later.
- (Giggles) Nice. Okay. Bye. - Oh, my god.
- Adios. - Okay.
Not a word.
Seriously, not a word, all right?
Ma'am, they're saying it's gonna take an hour longer
- to get to the offices because of traffic. - What? What's going on?
President montez is in town addressing the UN. It's gonna be pretty exciting.
A minute of your time, congressman powder?
- Uh, absolutely, Roger. - What?
Congressman minority house leader furlong.
Do you know what the chief agricultural product of my district in Ohio is?
I'll give you a hint. Looks like will's wife's clit.
- Mangos? - No.
- Tell him, will. - Green beans.
That's why I spent two months jamming them into that school lunch bill like what, will?
Like me jamming anonymous trucker cock in my mouth
at a public restroom well known for that purpose.
I don't know if you can hear me over the sound of your ball tumors metastasizing,
but Americans don't care what poor kids eat.
Actually, congressman, better tasting school lunches poll surprisingly well.
It's a real hot button issue.
Kent davison. How the mighty have fallen.
You want me to call a Japanese porn shoot,
see if I can get you a real job sponging up bukkake parties?
Although you might have to lie about working for meyer.
He's already got a job much better than sponging upjizz, right, Kent?
(Exhales)
- (Snickers) Let's go, will. - Feelbefier
Selina: Son of a Sam.
Offices in the south Bronx. Take this.
I can't stand this anymore.
- We should be in the meatpacking district. - I know.
- It's so chic. - Exactly.
I mean, I'm not the president of the Dominican Republic, you know?
They should be so lucky.
Congressman Diaz said that optics of you in the Bronx are really good.
Okay, well, then maybe I can host showtime at the Apollo next week.
- I'll check on that. - No, don't
- we love you, selina! - Oh, I love...
Both: Ughl
I mean, whose balls did I twerk to end up here,
in the triangle shirtwaist offices?
I mean, seriously, this is the worst place
they've ever stuffed an ex-president, and I'm including jfk's coffin.
Ooh! I'm gonna get you the same one.
- Oh, yeah. Good. - Yeah.
- Um, are there any messages for me? - No, ma'am.
- Okay. - You were wonderful today.
Oh, thank you.
- Who is that woman? - I can find out.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
Ma'am, the national association for transgender people
would like to give you an award.
Oh! Well, that's nice. Tell them I accept.
- Them? Her. - It's "her."
I don't know. Tell the bearded ladies I'm a-coming.
And your editor called about the pages to your book.
- Uh-huh. - You're six months behind.
You know what being an ex-president is like?
It's like being a man's nipple.
People go right by it to jerk off a dick.
-Really.
All right, so, listen, Richard, from now on,
I am going to be only about speaking engagements.
Okay? Cha-king, cha-king, cha-king! Right?
It's cha-ching, cha-ching.
- No, it's cha-king. - Okay.
Start out by calling mutual of Omaha.
And I'm only flying there private.
- And I'm certainly not gonna... - Is now a good time, mom?
Marjorie, come on in.
You know, Marjorie, since you're now heading the meyer fund,
it would be a good idea for you not to call me "mom" here in the office.
Of course, ma'am. Yes.
So, did you see today's interview?
I didn't know you were gonna give me aids.
(Laughter)
Marjorie.
That's funny. You did... Are you making a joke?
Uh, no, sir, ma'am.
We can't do anything about aids.
Who are you, Ronald Reagan?
- Hi, everyone. - Hi, darling.
- Your daughter is here to see you. - How are you, sweetie?
What brings you to this neighborhood, honey?
Buying chicken blood for a voodoo rite?
Well, I came to take Marjorie to lunch.
Okay.
I have aids now.
(Laughs) That's hilarious.
- I don't get it. - Maybe it's her delivery. I don't know.
- What delivery? - Mom, I saw your big interview.
Yeah, I know. Wasn't I just so great?
It was just really nice to see you out there again, you know.
- Sure. - Not just sitting in the house
- in your bathrobe with Gary. - Yeah.
Yeah. We played backgammon.
- Or at the institution... - At the spa.
I was at the spa.
- The spa. Right. - Spa.
Uh, mom, can I talk to you for a minute?
- She doesn't like "mom." - What?
Sure, darling.
Uh, well, I just wanted to give you your check for this month.
- Thank you. - Ma'am, the Apollo was a soft pass.
Okay, can I have a moment with my daughter?
Catherine, honey, a lot of the staff has been complaining
'cause they feel kind of cramped and they're not in midtown.
But I think that will require a little bit more cash.
Okay, you know what?
- If you want to talk about the money thing... - Yes.
- You can talk about it with Marjorie. - With Marjorie.
- Great. - Thank you.
Marjorie, when mother died and she gave Catherine all of her money...
You've been over your budget the last few months.
Okay.
You know, there's an old chippewa saying,
- "the coyote always howls..." - You know what?
I'm not that interested in what the coyote has to say unless he's writing me a check.
- Yes, ma'am. - Yeah.
- Thank you. - Ma'am, me again.
The secretary's name is jennicker. That can't be right.
- Seventy-nine grand. - (Gary scoffs)
Better sign me up for some food stamps.
Maybe look into an application.
This fucking country.
There he is. My golden boy.
Danny, you're killing it.
- Dan. - Oh!
Look, between you and me, the network's gonna name you
Jane's permanent co-host on Friday, so...
- Get the... - Jane: Fuck my face!
- Do you know what's wrong with that salad? - Uh, no.
Figure it out.
Yeah, I guess I should've told you.
She got rid of her last three co-hosts.
- Wait, what? - Yeah, probably wrecked their careers, too.
(Indistinct chatter)
Stevie!
- Stevie, Stevie. - What's up?
I have an idea that I think is really gonna impress the network.
Have you ever heard of congressman Jonah Ryan from New Hampshire?
Great interview. Charming guy.
I can get him on the phone right now.
- Hey, ma'am? - Yeah.
- I got big news from the white house. - Oh, really? What?
They want you to pick an artist for your official presidential portrait.
- Well, I'd rather still be president. - Yeah, that's true.
You know what?
Get me whoever painted ambassador stone's wife
and made her look like not a twat.
- Uh-huh! - I mean, that was real artistry.
- Hey, where's... hey, Richard? - Uh, yes, ma'am?
- What's going on with the speeches? - Oh, let's see.
Well, we have the national auto dealers for $100,000.
You've gotta be kidding me.
That's half of what Hughes gets.
That is pure sexism.
You call those people back and you tell them
that I was the first female president of the United States
and I will not work for less than 87 cents on the dollar.
Yes, ma'am.
And tell them I'll stand at a glass podium and wear a short skirt.
- What about Omaha? - They won't give us a private jet.
And you said not to touch anything without a private jet.
- I know. - Plus, they won't cover Andrew's fee.
What? What's Andrew's fee?
- It's my fee. - Gary: Oh, boy.
Omaha is small potatoes, zero gravy.
I know some guys in Abu Dhabi who are looking for a license to import sand.
No, I want Omaha.
Well, Lee, their offer was a slap in the face.
Hey, Andrew, I don't care if it's a punch in my big, hairy dick!
- Okay? Go! - Yep.
Tell them I'll jump out of a cake with tassels on my sagging tits!
- (Exhales) What? What is your fee? - It's akin to a finder's fee.
What do you find?
Besides the most beautiful woman in the world?
- Oh, god. (Chuckling) - Oh, god.
- So sappy. - (Groans)
- Buddy: Hey, babe. - We found a video of a woman who says
she did cocaine with governor steptoe's wife in college.
Hey, purple mountain's majesty, we need to put together an attack ad yester-the-fuck-day,
so give me five options from "party girl" to "coke whore for cock," you know?
Oh... you know what?
I actually went to high school with Kristin steptoe and she's a lovely gal, so...
Eh! My guess is if you gave her a rail to snort off your dick,
she would let you fuck the hole in her septum.
Oh, boy. Look, um...
I think I'm gonna have to put my foot down on this
and just say we're not gonna use that. Okay?
- Is that all right? - You're making an executive decision?
- Right? I mean, don't you think? - No, I like that.
- Yeah, so... - You're the boss.
Okay. Yes. And my foot is down on that.
- Great. - Okay, great.
Just do "cock whore."
Gary: Madame is up 950 points.
- Nice! - No, no, no! Uh-uh!
You don't wanna do that. See?
- You put these here, and here. - Uh-huh.
- You see how that's better for you? - So much better.
- Do you actually understand that? - Yeah, very much so.
- Thank you. - 'Cause honestly...
(Doorbell buzzes)
- Who could that be at this hour? - It's only 7:00.
- Richard. - Oh, hi, Gary.
This is... now is not a good time.
Is that Richard?
- Excuse me. - Richard, come in.
Hey, what's going on with Omaha, by the way?
Oh, yes. Walter pallenberg's jet is unavailable
because he's taking it on a fuck-tour of South America.
- Of course. - It's weird that his assistant told me that.
- Oh, I'm sitting there. - Want something to eat?
Are you hungry? We've got a lot of food here.
Marjorie: Catherine, I'm home!
Oh!
Marjorie, hi. We're in here.
Come join the party.
- It's like grand central station here, right? - I know.
- Good evening. - You know what? Just move whatever.
You know, we're actually... no, no! Now she's mad.
Hey, Marjorie, iwanna add something to the fund, sort of, to balance out the aids.
Something fun.
How about vets for pets?
I don't know what it is, but it sounds good.
Yeah, or, I don't know, stuttering.
Those people really make me laugh. (Chuckles)
Ooh! Excuse me, sorry.
I'll go put together a list of some fun causes, mom.
Oh! That "mom" thing, let's not do that here, either.
- Selina. - Well...
- Ma'am. - Yeah, that's it.
All right, time to write this book. Where were we?
Uh, first sentence.
- Then iet'sjump into the middle east. - Okay.
Now, I'm trying to remember, what was the name of that Iranian trade minister?
Gerard hojati.
- Do you know what I remember from that day? - Oh, look what... look.
- You missed that white one right down there. - Oh. Yep, got it. Yep.
Let's call Mike again.
- (Thud) - Ow! God!
Be careful 'cause that cabinet's valuable.
(Telephone ringing)
(Baby crying)
Mclintock residence.
Ellen speaking.
Is your father available?
He's not my father.
Yes, I am, sweetie. I am your father. Remember, I adopted you?
- Uh, hello? - Hey, Mike. How... wow!
- How are you? - A little crazed.
Milo's all about cheese sticks.
I found a little button in his diaper.
- Do I have to call a doctor? - I think he's like in a kennel or something.
- I can't hear you. - Oh, cool, are they getting a dog?
Sorry, ma'am. I'm in the baby bubble.
You gotta hit him in the nose with a newspaper.
That'll quiet him down.
Mike, listen, we're trying to figure out, if you can hear me,
what happened on the middle east trip with Leon west.
Hang on. Daddy's got his book.
May 3rd. En route to Tehran.
- Air force one. - May 3rd.
Two eggs, hard scrambled.
Red pepper strips?
No, no, no. Not what you ate, Mike.
- Justtell me... no, no, I want that. - (Baby continues crying)
- Okay. - Just wanna know what happened.
- Jesus. - Uh... oh, yeah, yeah.
We met with trade minister johati.
Oh! Trade minister johati.
- Okay? - That's what I said.
I'm on the phone, okay? You're as bad as these dogs.
- Is that her? - Ma'am...
Tell her now.
- Tell her or I'll tell her. - Okay. Hang on.
Wendy and I were talking that if you're gonna keep using the diary,
maybe you should start paying me.
What? Okay, fine. I don't give a shit.
- I thought I'd never work again. (Laughs) - Me, too!
Richard: Former ma'am, there are news stories about the sherman tanz pardon
in the Washington post and Indianapolis times.
Does anybody have anything else to focus on in the world?
You know? Where the fuck is a Tsunami when you need it?
But the good news is we've just received a large donation from sherman tanz.
Oh. We”, don't put that in the fund.
Also, guess who I found outside.
- Did that homeless man die? - Oh! No.
Mike?
- Madam president. - It's Mike mclintock.
Oh, my god. Look at this place! You guys...
What happened to your lip?
Oh! Maude bit me.
Uh, you should put her down.
That's my daughter, ma'am.
It's a cute story. We were playing in the backyard...
"Catch the tiger," and I was the prey.
- She got up on top... - Did you bring the diary?
Yeah. I got it.
And I don't think we ever discussed salary.
- We should probably iron that out, so... - Oh, yeah.
You get paid when the book's finished.
Okay. And what's the timeline for that?
- I don't know. - No?
- No. - Okay.
Oh, and I took the acela up.
It's pretty steep. I'd love to get reimbursed.
Well, also when the book's finished.
- Oh. Right. - Then you get that.
Reimbursement.
Find some space for yourself out there.
But wait, I need the diary.
- Okay. - Yeah.
(Cell phone vibrates)
- Ma'am, great news. - Selina: Hmm.
- We got Marty leonhardt's g5 for Omaha. - Oh!
- Really? Great! All righty! - Gary: Uh-huh.
Omaha's a go, go, go.
Ma'am, you've been to Omaha before. You didn't really care for it.
Okay, look.
- Is there something... - I'm gonna tell you something, okay?
- Okay, okay. - But it's top secret.
Ooh! I love secrets.
- I'm gonna go to Omaha because... - Okay.
Omaha is a 20-minute drive right across the border to council bluffs, Iowa.
Beautiful.
Where they have their annual Madison Monroe dinner.
Fun.
Which you have to go to if you're gonna run for president again.
- Huh? - (Chuckles)
I'm gonna run for president again.
That is a great idea!
I know, I know.
(Laughing) I think you're definitely ready for this.
Yeah, I feel so great about this.
- You should. - Yeah.
Are you sure you're ready for this?
So, I'm gonna tell the whole family about it tonight.
You know, I mean, such as it is. Whatever.
And if any one of them objects, then, it's okay, I just won't run.
Well, then you got my vote.
- Why would I need your fucking vote? - You wouldn't. It's just...
What a crazy idea.
(Knocks on the door)
Hey, are you almost...
Get out! No. Get out. Guards!
Oh, my god.
Your cancer is bullshit.
No, I did have cancer.
I had to go through six weeks of chemotherapy.
All my hair fell out, including my pubes, Dan.
Come on, you never had any pubes.
But guess what. People liked it. Okay?
They felt sorry for me.
I even got four and a half pity handies out of it, so I kept shaving.
What's the big fucking deal about it?
Big fucking deal?
Jesus, you look like you should be underground worshiping an atomic bomb,
you human fucking pap smear.
How dare you speak to a cancer survivor that way?
- (Knocking) - Hey, let's go.
- Got two minutes. - Yeah, yeah.
Do not tell anyone about this.
I didn't think it was possible for you to look more like a giant cock.
I guess it's true what they say, "you are what you eat."
Well, you eat an entire fucking tanning bed.
- I got an idea. I just wanna draw a urethra... - Get out of here.
Stop!
- And we're on in five... - It will be funny.
- Stop it. - Just let it happen.
- Man: Four, three... - Stop it!
You're a dick, Dan.
Welcome back to CBS this morning.
Joining me now is freshman congressman Jonah Ryan of New Hampshire,
- who recently had a close shave with cancer. - Dont
now, congressman, you were really on the razor's edge there for a while.
- Stop it. - Do you ever get into a lather
- about the bald truth of your own mortality? - Just stop it.
You know what, Dan?
F you!
You think you're such a big shot just because you're on TV
and you have a fancy tie and a tiny little microphone.
Everybody on TV sucks.
It's not nice, Dan, to make fun of other people who are supposed to be your friend.
Just because I look like a penis.
(Cord rattles)
God... (Bleep)
(Bleep) ...Chair.
Jonah: How do I even get out of here?
- (Sighs) - (Jonah slams door)
That was congressman Jonah Ryan of New Hampshire.
We'll be right back.
And we're clear.
Shit, Stevie, I had no idea anything like that was gonna happen.
I totally understand if the network has lost confidence in me.
Are you kidding me? This is great TV.
You're the fucking man!
Great job.
(Sighs) Fuck me. No more goddamn bronzer!
Okay, guys, I called this family meeting because... (Chuckles)
I have something very exciting that I wanna talk to you about.
But if anybody has any objections, I will absolutely not do this.
- Okay? - We are behind you no matter what, Lee.
Yes. I know that this last year has been
not very easy for all of us, myself included.
But I have decided
that I am going to run for president again.
- (Laughs) - (Chuckles nervously)
(Hyperventilating) What?
You can't do that.
Well, yeah, I can, honey.
(Sobbing)
What? Well...
- I didn't see that coming. Did you? - Hmm.
Andrew, can you help me out here with this?
Actually...
Nobody thinks this is a good idea?
Please don't do that. You can't do this to us.
Catherine, let me just explain something to you, sweetie. All right?
I really don't care what you think.
I'm gonna run for president again. Okay?
Mommy's gonna be president again.
But you said that if any one of us objects that you're not gonna do it.
Yeah, but I didn't expect anybody to object, did I?
- This was a test, folks, and you all failed. - Yeah.
- You really did. - No, I just...
Yeah, woman, you really did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Family meeting is now... - I don't wanna...
No, I don't wanna... I don't wanna hear it, okay?
Family meeting is adjourned.
La, la, la, la!
Everybody up. Get up. Get up. Out, out.
I love you, but get out.
Buddy: Is that good? You like that? Amy: It's good.
- Yeah? - Mmm-hmm.
- What's good about it? - I...
What do you like?
Don't know. What do you want me to say?
I want you to talk dirty.
- You know... - Oh...
- Really? - Yeah.
Like how you do.
This is, um, a really nice...
- Penis. - (Grunts)
No, like how you do at work.
Tell me you'd rather take it up the ass
than attend another meeting at the board of regulators.
Except with just no regulators, okay?
- Thank you. - (Stammers) Okay.
I would rather take it up the ass with the board of regulators...
No board of regulators, though, I said that.
Well, this is stupid.
I am not some teased-haired casino cooze
who will let you jizz all over her face with a handful of chips.
I like that. Keep going. Tell me more.
What's her name? Susan or...
What's her deal?
You know what the problem with the board of regulators is?
They are all appointed by these partisan hacks
who are antiquated as fuck.
Okay, I'm sorry I brought that up.
It was going well before that, though, I thought.
Oh, just forget it.
(Buddy exhales)
There shouldn't even be a board.
- Is it okay if I finish? - I'm not your mother.
Gary: Lookie-look who's here.
- Selina: Wow! - Madam president.
I haven't seen you forever.
Well, I was gonna come by a couple of times, but they said...
- I'm so sorry to hear about uber. - Oh, god.
A bunch of dumb-ass millennials, you know, too lazy to learn how to drive drunk.
- You want a drink? - Absolutely.
- Let me get that for you. - No, I have it.
Great.
So, listen, um...
I am... (Sighs)
Gonna be making a speech at mutual of Omaha on Monday
and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me.
Um... (Clears throat)
Is that the same Omaha that's a 20-minute drive from council bluffs, Iowa,
and the Madison Monroe dinner on Monday night?
Maybe.
Son of a bitch,
- you're gonna run for president. - Mmm.
What if I were, hypothetically?
- Hypothetically? - Mmm-hmm.
Ma'am, you can't run for president.
You don't have the party's support, you don't have the donors' support.
What if I told you that I had tanz on board, hypothetically?
Shlomo tanz is radioactive.
He can read the newspaper on the toilet by the light of his own shit.
Okay, but, Ben, you and I
- could, um... - No, no, I cannot.
(Stammers) I'm out, okay?
May god forgive me. I...
I'm taking the Jonah job with Kent.
I'm sorry, ma'am. I can't watch you lose again.
There's nobody out there who wants to see a meyer comeback, selina. It's...
It's over.
Well, I was speaking hypothetically.
I mean, you of all people should know that, Ben.
Jesus Christ, you know?
I wanted you to come here because I was wondering
if you wanted to join the board of my meyer fund
for aids and adult literacy.
- Be an honor. - Hmm. Okay.
- Thank you, ma'am. - Yeah.
You know, maybe if we teach them how to read a condom wrapper,
they wouldn't get aids in the first place.
- Okay. See? There's hope. - Hmm.
You know, ma'am, um, you're one of only 46 people who became...
Goodnight, Ben.
- Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight. - Goodnight.
(Dice rattling)
Ma'am, we're all set for private jets to Omaha on Monday
and back from council bluffs on Wednesday.
We're coming back from Omaha on Monday.
Uh-oh!
- Madam president. - Selina: Hello.
Captain over pa: Well, good morning. This is captain Stevens.
I'd like to welcome you all aboard flight 327, Omaha to New York.
Attendant: Right here, madam president.
Do you want window or aisle?
- I don't want anything here. - Hmm.
CBS this morning with Jane McCabe.
And introducing Danny egan.
I'm Jane McCabe.
And I'm Danny egan.
And here's what's going on in your world.
This morning, today we start with a story...
Sir, I'm sorry, you're going to need to gate-check your bag.
It's complimentary.
I need hand sanitizer.
Ma'am!
Ma'am.
(Theme music playing)