Selina: As a former president, I'm proud to lend my stature
to this crucially important moment.
And it's just an honor for me to be here as an official observer
of Georgia's first free and open election.
And, in fact, the spreading of democracy is one of the cornerstones of my foundation.
It is?
- So, thank you very much and mad... - Madloba.
- Mad-lab-blah. - Thank you so much. Thank you very much.
- Madloba. - Jesus.
Democracy. What a horror show this is.
- I didn't even know Georgia was a country. - Where'd our guide go?
Oh, hey, petradze.
Do you have any water that doesn't come from a nuclear power plant, by any chance?
- Vodka. - Okay, sure, fine. Vodka...
Excuse me, it would be a great honor
to introduce my daughter to the president of usa.
Hello. One day you can grow up to be president.
No, not you. Your brother.
Unbelievable.
- Can we do picture? - No.
Oh, it's okay. I don't have camera.
Selina: Well, I'll tell you something.
All of this international shit is gonna be great for my book.
This is my second act.
Selina meyer travels the globe, spreading democracy
like patient zero, right, petradze?
- Yes? - Oh, boy.
This place sucks my ghost nard.
Why couldn't you have gotten me
on an international election watching trip to Hawaii?
Hawaii is rightfully a monarchy and will be again.
Look, did you read the codel schedule of official events
or were there not enough pictures for you?
Ooh. Sex trafficking workshop.
It's an anti-sex trafficking workshop.
- Lame. - Okay, that's enough for now.
I need a drink.
It's gotta be 8:00 am. Somewhere.
Checking in. Mike mclintock.
You don't have a reservation in this hotel.
Richard, I don't have a reservation.
Well, you were a last minute addition to the trip,
so it's possible that we didn't make one. Richard splett.
- Oh! Hello, boys. - Madam president.
Look at us, just like the good, old days.
Except shittier in every conceivable way.
Hey, hey, gang's all here.
Maybe we can win an election for a change.
- That came out wrong. - Yeah, way wrong, right?
80, secretary Doyle has picked you for elder statesman duty?
- Jailbait statesman. - It's fine. It's okay.
Doyle picked me because...
So he's got a goat to scape if things go wrong.
- Yeah, yeah. - They need political cover.
Night and fog.
Yeah, I haven't missed that.
- Secretary of state Doyle for you, ma'am. - Oh, all right.
- Secretary Doyle? - Woman: Please hold for secretary Doyle.
Okay, no. I don't get put on hold, okay?
When he comes on, he gets put on hold.
Kent, would you book a massage for me, but, you know,
the one where the girl at the end... Oh, fuck me.
Congressman Ryan.
I haven't spoken to you since the historic house vote.
- Yes. - I just wanted to
thank you for all that you've done for me.
And I wanna let you know
that I will destroy you
in ways that are so creative,
they will honor me for it at the Kennedy center.
Richard: Please hold for president meyer.
You're putting me on hold. Actually, do you think you could not?
I'm here, I'm here. Andrew?
- Woman: Please hold for secretary Doyle. - God damn it.
He who hath betrayed me standeth before me now.
Hello, congressman Ryan. It's been a while.
I am gonna find ways to destroy you so hard
that everybody at the Kennedy center is gonna take a fucking massive shit.
It's really nice to see you.
So, I assume you're gonna beg for your job back.
It's a very kind offer, but I already have a betterjob
working for president meyer. I thought you knew that.
Okay, you know what, I don't need you.
I already have 434 brand-new best friends and we're all going to dinner tonight.
And you're not invited. Sorry. Congressmen only.
Have fun.
What's up, fellas?
How you doing? Hey, you wanna go monitor some dinner?
I hear that horse is legal to eat here.
Uh, I'm actually prettyjet-lagged. Probably gonna just catch up on some sleep.
Let me know if you guys do go out, okay?
I got a Georgian sim card. Got text forwarding.
I'll hear from you? All right, later.
Buddy: I was suffering from dehydration and exhaustion.
That's not the buddy Calhoun I see in the mirror.
Although, it would be if you stepped out of the shower.
- Now, Ms. Brookheimer. - Mmm.
You're not only buddy Calhoun's campaign manager, but you're also his fiancee.
And congratulations on that, by the way.
Thank you, Danny.
Now, wouldn't you concede that when your fiance exposed himself
to a policewoman that he hurt his chances of becoming elected?
- I've seen the video, of course... - Dan: You have?
Can we roll that video one more time for our audience?
And I try not to think of the politics of it all. But...
And here's the moment where he exposes himself.
Yes. Everyone... yeah, that's...
But for myself,
I'm happiest when buddy and I are on the couch...
Can we play that again?
Eating popcorn and watching downton Abbey.
In the interest of full disclosure,
Ms. Brookheimer and I did have a brief relationship
when she was a much younger woman.
- You did? - Thank you to you both.
- We'll be right back. - Man: We're clear.
Ames, who's your favorite character on downton?
I don't know.
- Abby, I guess. - Yep.
Woman: President meyer's still holding on line two.
Selina. So, murman was a brutal bastard who ruled with an iron fist
he liked to insert in the anus of his opponents.
But when it came to the us viewpoint, at least he was a good listener.
Yeah, and he did a beautiful rendition of rendition.
- I don't have a hotel room. - Exactly.
But it's time for a change, so we're backing professor Nikolai genidze.
He's a new voice for democracy in the region and would be a
major victory for the Doyle doctrine.
You have a doctrine now?
What is it? "Boners are rare, don't waste them"?
Hey, did you think of that while you were walking on the beach
with a metal detector or however you fill your empty days?
- That's nice. Listen. - Look, just
sit back, take your lead from the UN special envoy for election monitoring.
What? Who is that?
- Selina. - Oh, fuck.
Minna.
- You look absolutely radiant. - Oh, thank you.
Yes, your stay in the insane asylum, it's really agreed with you.
It was a spa.
No, no, a spa is where you go to get a massage and the like.
You were in an insane asylum.
Oh, it's been fun to see you.
I have such a big day tomorrow because I have an election to supervise.
I know, because I am supervising your supervising.
- We have so much to say to each other. - Well...
- I look forward to it. See you later. - Okay, okay. Goodbye.
Oh, god...
Hey, ma'am, we have a situation with your hotel room.
What is it?
Your bidet is splashy and there's no terrycloth robe or shower cap.
Wait, you tested my bidet?
Don't worry, I'm gonna fix this before tub time.
- I don't care. - I'm on it.
Hey.
- Hey, Kent. - Sorry, Mike, you cannot stay with me.
Please don't make me make up a reason.
Listen to me. I went to find a hotel room, right?
Nobody speaks English here, everything was really confusing to me,
and I was chased by children.
And I think I may have voted.
Mike, that is the kind of voting irregularity that we are here to prevent.
That sounds bad. Look, please, can you help me get it off?
Unless you want the entire thumb removed with a utility blade,
I suggest you find another person.
Mom, I told you, I get more homesick when you call.
Hi, what do you have that's like spaghettios?
Man: And I said, "it's in my carry-on."
You know what, forget it. I'm not hungry.
Oh, crap.
Mike, now's not a good time. I'm laying out her shoes, Mike.
You have to help me.
I accidentally voted and now my thumb is green.
The same thing happened to me!
- Oh, my god! - How did it happen?
Oh, my god. I went out to get a terrycloth robe and there was this crowd
and I asked them where nordstrom's was
and then the next thing I knew, they dyed my thumb
and an old lady who smelled like cumin wouldn't stop hugging me.
- Mine smelled like paprika. - Oh, god.
We cannot let anyone see this.
I can't afford to lose this job, Gary, but I can't afford to keep it either.
I mean, it's so expensive to commute from DC.
- And I haven't been paid yet. - Oh, Mike.
- But I don't wanna lose it, I think. - Yeah. Uh-huh.
- Hey, Gary, can I sleep on your couch? - No.
- Hard no? - It's a hard no.
Hey, ma'am. Get some food before everyone else.
Okay, I never, ever wanna see the inside of your mouth again.
Okay? It looks like a Haitian porta-potty in there.
- Copy that. - Okay. I just saw it again.
- Copy. - Guys.
I find this kind of food display really repulsive.
Just a spoonful of this caviar will pay for a wind turbine for a whole village.
Yeah, but do we really want these people to have electricity?
Minna: Professor Nikolai genidze, he's Georgia's only hope
for escape this cycle of corruption and decadence.
Jesus, you and Doyle really have a wide-on for this guy.
You know that the moment that he announced that he was running for the presidency,
murman tried to poison him in a Sushi restaurant.
Selina: Well, it's a miracle that anybody survives
eating Sushi in this country, minna.
He has some scarring. It is purely cosmetic.
But there's still some cysts and some bubbling.
- Oh, my god, I need a drink. - Murman: Selina. Madam president.
It's so good to see you.
Have you imprisoned any good novelists recently?
Ms. Hakkinen.
How are things in the international busybody circuit?
Great, thank you.
I was sorry to see that your forceful condemnation
did not do more to stop the recent genocide in the Congo.
- Well, maybe next genocide. - Or the one after that.
Excuse me.
Hey, Ben. You sure do get around, don't you?
Murman here is an old client of mine, and the only reason he hasn't been
dragged naked through the streets and hung upside down
from a lamppost with his cock stuffed in his mouth
is because he took my advice from time to time.
- Guilty as charged. - Okay, me, too.
Madam president, if I could have a word in private?
Absolutely, although, if it takes more than five minutes,
I think that amnesty international will be alerted, murman.
Murman: I'm not afraid of those guys.
Montez and Doyle,
they're trying to make Georgia more like america.
Look, I saw your last election.
- No, thank you. - Well, I can't argue with you there, murman.
Let me tell you little story
about growing up as a tire-burner's son
- in the gurjaani countryside. - No, no, murman, no, no, no.
I love your stories and this is, I'm sure, shaping up to be a great one.
Young murman in the countryside,
et cetera, et cetera. But I really do...
Selina, I would like to make a $10 million donation
to help you build your library.
I cannot possibly accept that.
I mean, even the appearance of a quid pro quo...
No, no, no, there are no threads attached.
And you should know that this donation will be completely untraceable.
It will come from my Georgian aids foundation.
Mmm. Such a terrible killer.
- Tragic, yes. - Mmm-hmm.
- But we're making real progress. - We are.
We are.
I trust I have made myself suitably clear.
As clear as the coffee table Danny Thomas had his hookers shit on.
It's an American expression.
Danny Thomas also founded the St. Jude's hospital for children,
- so there's the... - Ah, yes. The yin and the Yang.
There you go, exactly.
Marjorie: Your motherjust added democracy to the foundation.
So, now it's the selina meyer foundation
- for adult literacy, aids... - And the advancement of global democracy.
Hey, guys.
- Dan. - So what's up?
- How are you? - I'm good, I'm good. Thanks.
- How's your family? - I don't know. Uh...
- Why, have you heard something? - No...
The thing is that Marjorie and I have decided that
- we wanna have a baby and... - I will give you my sperm.
- Oh, great. - Yeah.
- I thought that would take a lot longer. - No.
Is there anything else that you wanna talk about?
- I'm good. - Well, we'll send you the details.
And if you could not ejaculate for the next 72 hours, that would be ideal.
Okay. Uh...
Could we start the clock in, like, 30 minutes?
- Yeah, I guess so. - Actually, no. No.
Make it 40.
The girl I'm thinking of likes to talk first.
Amber, it's Dan-Dan.
You in midtown?
- Selina: Ben, I need to talk to you. - Yeah, what happened with murman?
Okay.
He just offered me
a $10 million donation to my library.
That'll keep a lot of docents in rockports.
God, I'd kill for a job where I could wear flats all day.
But, look, I can't take that money.
- Right? - Right.
- Right.
I mean, I definitely cannot take that money.
But hold up.
If I did take it, would I be compromising my...
- Reputation. - Please.
- Your integrity? - Yes.
My integrity.
I cannot lose my integrity.
Without that, I am nothing.
How would we make sure no one finds out about the cash?
Technically, a library donation would not be illegal under us law.
But what about Georgian law?
There is literally no Georgian law. And I'm using "literally" correctly.
So, are you saying that I should take it?
- I don't know. - It's hard to say.
Okay. See, at least when I was leader of the free world,
people told me what to do.
Okay, what happened with this? Did you drink it?
- What happened? So crazy. - I don't know.
So, look, I was thinking, minna,
would it be that bad if murman actually did win?
Well, that depends how you define bad.
You know, I'm just saying the poisoning and the torture and the death squads aside,
I think murman is really good people.
Honestly. And he's a hell of a storyteller.
Really. You know, you could actually learn something from him, minna.
You know, his stories have a solid point.
They have a beginning and a middle and an end.
And it makes it kind of, you know, interesting to sit and listen.
Nikolai genidze's scarring or no,
he is the only hope for the Georgian people.
- Well... - He has the soul of a poet.
Yeah, that and a car with a sunroof
could've bought you my virginity in '83.
You were 22?
No, I was 15 in 1983.
- Right. - Well, I was, minna.
- Right, that's great. - Yeah.
Did I tell you that my son Otto tried to commit suicide
and that he is now not speaking to me?
Did he throw himself from a moving town car?
No. No, he weighted his boots and hejumped into an ice hole.
I'm so sorry, into what?
Into an ice hole. Like a hole they cut in the ice.
- For fishing. - Right.
That makes sense.
I wonder how much longer it is to get to the hotel.
I'm not really sure.
- This is a long car ride. - I think it's another 45, 50 minutes.
Oh, my god.
Hey, pinocchios.
Your noses must've been really tiny yesterday
because you lied and now they're normal-sized.
Representative Ryan, you were officially hazed last night.
- We got you. - Totally.
- Wait, does that mean that I'm, like, in now? - Totally.
Well, then let's go celebrate. I'm buying.
By I, I mean the people of New Hampshire.
In the immortal words of will.I.Am, "tonight's gonna be really great!"
- Careful. Oh, tuck in. - I got shotgun.
You got shotgun, all right. Okay, here I come.
All right, push in, push in.
We'll take this one. You guys take the next one.
Oh, I don't know where you guys are going.
That's right.
Fuck.
Are you fucking...
That's where that goes? Pick up your fucking chairs!
- I have not seen Nikolai since the hague. - Oh, really?
Oh, you must remember not to react to his disfigurement.
- He's very sensitive. - Wait, how bad is it, exactly?
Well, he was very handsome before the poisoning.
So you may not even notice it. There he is. Nikolai.
- Ah, welcome. Hello. - You look terrific.
- Minna. - Oh, she's kissing it.
Well, that's why we moisturize.
May I introduce to you,
the former president of the United States and my best friend.
- No, no, no. - President meyer.
May I say that the reports of your beauty
have not been exaggerated.
Well, back at you, red.
And of course you know my old friend, Ben.
- Ben! Doing god's work, I see. - As long as the check clears.
- So, welcome to my humble abode. - Thank you very much.
I think you will find it a great contrast
to the vulgar palaces of murman.
I mean, you know, who needs all that champagne
when you can have all these different kinds of wallpaper?
- Well, dinner is served. - Great.
I know that you will soon find we Georgians are a warm, friendly people.
- Oh, good. - Except for our politics.
Minna? Minna, what is going on with you? Are you all right?
Selina, you see right through me.
- What? - It's because we are close as sisters.
- No, we're not. - You know that Nikolai and I
are not only bound by mutual respect and shared beliefs.
We are also bound by powerful physical attraction.
- Ooh. - You gotta be kidding.
- We are, in fact, lovers. - What?
- Lovers. - Lovers.
With scab Calloway?
- His very touch makes me quiver. - Okay.
And now we get to eat food.
Good evening, congressman.
Those new corduroys?
They're newish.
Well, I know you probably have a lot of other offers,
but if not, you know, maybe you and me could do something.
Yeah, maybe. I mean, I guess I could move a couple things around.
I don't know, the doorman told me
about this really cool concert that he knew of.
He said he thought I might like it.
Well, luckily, the president gave me the rest of the night off so I could put on my tourist hat.
It's actually my favorite joke ever.
That's so good.
- Hey, do you wanna go? - Yeah, all right.
We have adopted all the worst traits of Russia.
Without any of the good ones.
Not that there are many of those.
So, it is now time
- for Georgia to face west. - Eat it.
- What? - Eat the soup.
Because I'm hungry.
I need to know if it's been poisoned.
- Really? - Uh-hmm.
Nikolai: Find a third way. The Georgian way.
I don't wanna do that.
Just a tiny, tiny taste.
Nikolai: Laboratory, if you will. A laboratory for democracy.
We will adopt what works and discard what does not.
- It's delicious. - Okay.
Is there anything happening to me?
I don't think so.
Oh, it has carrots in it. I'm not gonna eat that.
Starting at the top.
If I might have a private word...
- It would be a very good pleasure. - With madam president.
Okay, sure.
What are you doing?
- I'm hungry. - Okay...
Madam president,
I have been reliably told that war criminal murman
had the audacity to offer you a $10 million bribe.
- Okay, well, that is ridiculous. - I agree.
It is so much less than you are worth.
I'm sorry, what?
To ensure fair election, I would like to offer you
a $15 million bribe.
How dare you, sir!
I will remind you
that I am the former president of the United States.
You have lost a great deal of face in my estimation.
What I meant to say, of course, is I would like to make
a $15 million donation to your library.
Well, that is something we can discuss.
As long as we understand that there is, in fact, no understanding.
I understand.
Nikolai, you say that you have $15 million and yet you live in this...
You know, forgive the expression,
but unbelievably shitty apartment.
Ah... You see, because I have secret.
- Come here. Come here. - No, you can just tell me.
- I can hear you fine from where I am. - No. Come here.
Come here. See.
All this is just for show.
In reality, although I teach at the university and lead the opposition party,
I control a telecommunication monopoly
and own the most popular soccer team,
the Tbilisi bauxite miners.
Well, I gotta tell you, you really... You have a lot of people fooled.
- You know, I mean, even Doyle. - Oh, secretary Doyle, he's so gullible.
Yeah.
If you told him that rava ganavlis was chakapuli,
he would eat it up and ask for seconds.
I can only hope that rava ganavlis is human shit.
It is actually what you vomit after eating shit.
I like your dimples.
- This is fucking beast! - It's very interesting.
Hey, put that on. All the cool guys wear the band's t-shirt.
You know, the band's name translates to "panzer division."
What?
- I think maybe we should leave. - Uh-huh.
Excuse us. Excuse me.
Minna: What did you think of Nikolai?
- Can I be uncharacteristically blunt with you? - I can't imagine what that...
- The poison? - Yeah.
It did not engorge only his face,
- if you know what I mean. - I think I do.
It also engorged his penis and made it very unusual texture of sea cucumber,
- so it's great for vaginal orgasms. - Okay, minna.
Which do you prefer, vaginal or clitoral orgasms?
You know, I just come and get it over with.
Yes. You can come just from your mind?
What can I do to get you to stop talking?
Now?
Well, you have to walk 25 miles for breast cancer
and attend a wnba game, but I think we're gonna be okay.
- What are you doing? That's my hand. - Amy, that morning
when I heard you say that you were happiest curled up next to me,
eating popcorn and watching downton Abbey.
I figured it all out.
Man: The next governor of Nevada, buddy Calhoun!
I was just saying that for the cameras.
Good evening, friends.
After much soul searching,
I am announcing tonight that I'm withdrawing
- from the race for governor. - Nol
no, no.
I need to get out of this toxic world of politics
and start to appreciate the things that really do matter in life.
Like the love of the wonderful woman
who has agreed to be my wife.
Amy, darling, come on out here, honey.
Murman's leading by more votes than there are people in the country.
Yeah, maybe he's bussing them in from Chicago.
This is not gonna stand. This election's going down
like Eleanor Roosevelt at dinah shore weekend.
Hey, ma'am, your phone is ringing right there.
- Well, do I work for you? Just answer it. - Okay.
Right? Look, you call Nikolai now. You tell him to start spackling his face
for his inauguration speeches.
- Gary, just get it. Okay? - I will.
Gary. Gary...
What the fuck is that?
Please hold. It was an accident.
- Mike voted, too, Mike voted, too. - What?
- I can't believe you! - Stop it.
You two ding-dongs look like you fingered the incredible hulk.
It's murman. It's murman.
God...
- Hello, murman. - Murman: Madam president.
I trust you are watching the returns.
Yes, yes, yes. Listen, murman, um,
as fond as I am of you personally,
I really cannot accept your generous donation to my library fund.
Madam president, let me tell you little story
about growing up in the gurjaani countryside.
You thought you caught a fish, it turned out to be a tire.
The tire was full of fish. It's a great story.
It's a very valuable lesson, but I really gotta go.
Twenty million.
Perhaps there could be a fountain or a snack shop.
Well, murman, that is a big tire with a fuckload of fish in it.
But please understand that whatever decision I make
is gonna be in the interest of democracy and integrity...
Yes, yes, yes. Sounds good. Great to hear. Bye.
- Murman? - Mmm-hmm.
- How much? - Twenty million.
Yahtzee.
I mean, they're both crooks. What's the difference?
- $5 million. - Exactly.
So, I have set the wheels in motion.
In 10 minutes, there will be a joint press conference
in which we will announce that the iec and usa
do not think that the elections have been free and fair.
Good luck.
Well, that is very strong language, minna.
- Yes. - Yes.
And I wonder if we might phrase it a different way.
For instance, perhaps we would say
there have been certain irregularities in this election, yeah.
- Yes. - Yes.
And that is not uncommon for a young democracy.
- Yes. - And that, therefore,
we believe that murman is the uncontested winner.
Now, are you aware that that is the exact opposite
- of what you said just a moment ago? - Yes.
But I've had time to reflect since that moment.
My concern is, I wonder if your judgment is being clouded
by your feelings that are brought on by Nikolai's lumpy poison cock.
Oh, my god.
Well, I will recuse myself.
- Well, you don't need to recuse yourself. - Immediately, I will resign.
I will. I will tender my resignation now.
No, no, no. Let's not overreact. Just take a deep breath, minna.
You're just in the middle of what we in america call...
- A difficult situation. - A fuck fog.
Yes, and that as well. Yeah, in Finland, we call this the fever of the sausage.
- Okay, so then you get it. I get it. - So you won't tell anyone.
- Selina, thank you so much. - No, no.
- You are such a good friend. - Oh, well...
You know, sometimes, I don't feel worthy of this friendship.
Mmm. Well, sometimes, I feel that way, too.
I mean, honestly, that is the most grotesque country I have ever been to.
And I have been all over Florida.
Hot in here, isn't it? Can we get them to turn up the air in this cabin?
- Yes, ma'am. - My back is just killing me, too.
Ma'am, you are not gonna believe this.
- Mike. - What?
- Forget it. Forget it. - Look at this.
Before murman shalikashvili could be sworn in,
he was arrested on live television.
Well, murman's gonna have a lot of great stories
to tell the firing squad.
Seized by military elements loyal to Oleg petradze.
- Wait a minute, is that our guide? - I think that's the guy I voted for.
Wow. That's like Gary becoming president.
- From the tea party. - No. Yeah. That is funny.
Yeah.
Also, I would be remiss not to thank president selina meyer,
who not only assisted in the long, overdue ouster of murman shalikashvili,
but also exposed his opponent as a ruthless, corporate oligarch
and not the reformer some had hoped he would be.
Ma'am, the library fund received a sizable donation
from a Georgian aids foundation late last night.
Sixty million Georgian iari.
Yeah, that's worth about $20 million.
Well, actually, since the coup, there's been a slight dip in the exchange rate.
It's now worth approximately $389,000.
Way to go, ma'am.
Selina meyer is truly the godmother of the Caucasian spring.
- Madam president. - Andrew.
- UN-fucking-believable. - Yep.
Selina: Thank you, everyone.
All I did was stay focused on one simple goal.
To free the peoples of the world from totalitarianism
through open and free and transparent elections.
And that, in a nutshell, is what I call the meyer doctrine.
Thank you. Thank you very much.