(Theme music playing)
Selina: You know how much I love the size of yourjet.
- (Jaffar grunts) - And oh, my god, what? What is this weather?
Why doesn't everybodyjust go to St. Bart's? I miss it already. It was so romantic.
- Just the two of us. - Mmm.
- And Gary. - Gary: So passionate.
It's just what I needed, you know? That ocean air and the crystal blue water.
Mmm-hmm. Oh, and not to mention the topless beach.
- (Selina chuckles) - I didn't see anything.
Selina: Next time, lwanna stay longer.
Marjorie: Hello, ma'am. Selina: Hello, Marjorie.
Oh, I'm sorry to be so hysterical, but we have a situation.
- What are you talking about? - Catherine's on bed rest.
She's been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.
Well, why should her cervix be any different than the rest of her?
Hi, mom. Hi, jaffar.
Ma'am, before you even ask, we have taken a break from sex.
Specifically penetrative sex.
- She has a penis? - I don't know.
Honey, what are you doing here?
Well, yeah, I'm on bed rest
so that the stitches don't get ripped out of my cervix.
- Oh, my gosh. - (All groan)
Well, this isn't bed rest, this is couch rest.
Did you put a towel or anything underneath her?
Because, girls, this is imported French linen.
Maybe a waterproof tarp.
Yes, actually, or even a garbage bag, you know, in case she leaks.
Special delivery! Advance copies.
- Really? My book, my book, my book. - Mike: Fresh off the presses.
- Finally getting paid. - Well, we'll see.
- (Gasps) No! - Yeah.
- Look how pretty. - Oh, the prettiest.
- "A woman first: First woman." - Yeah.
You could get murdered in my country for saying something like that.
- It's a bit of a pun. - No, it's not.
There's a typo on the first page.
- What? - The first sentence.
"From the moment I entered the-the white house."
- Is that a pun? - Selina: Well, that's on you, Amy...
Because you were in charge of the book.
- Amy: That's copyediting. - Congratulations again, Amy.
Richard. So glad to see you. I missed you.
Ah, welcome back, ma'am.
Uh, also, ambassador, ahlan wa sahlan.
(Speaks in arabic)
(Chuckles) Now that's a pun.
Ma'am, you are confirmed for tomorrow night for the tonight show
- to kick off the book tour. - Yeah.
Which, again, is tomorrow night, not tonight,
- despite the title. - Selina: Okay.
And you're doing the today show one week from yesterday.
Wow, that smells good. What is that?
It's Catherine's uterine tea.
Yeah, it's a broth of red raspberry leaf, black haw and false unicorn root.
I hope that's going in your mouth.
Whatever happened to half a bottle of red wine and three Virginia slims?
Ma'am, the producer of the tonight show thought it would be fun if...
No, you know what? Nothing's fun on that show.
Uh, I need to go and unpack.
- Good night, ma'am. - Amy: Bye, ma'am.
What? I'm not on bed rest. My cervix is as tight as a snare drum.
Jaffar: Oh, yes, it is.
I'm not mentioned in this book until page 134.
I once dry-shaved that woman's legs under her desk during a cabinet meeting.
Yeah, I'm not in there till 213, and lwrote the book.
(Gasps) Ooh, page 93, suckers!
"As Gary poured my tea,
"I realized the hostages..." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
- Oh, yes! - Amy: How about you, Richard?
- Did you make the book? - Ah, just the dedication.
- Congressman, I put up all your flyers. - Ooh, hey... (Groans)
Oh, god damn it, this office sucks my nard.
A punishment from congressman furlong and the speaker and the president.
An astonishing bipartisan agreement.
- Some interesting reading arrived. - No such thing.
Well, president meyer's book. Take a look.
All right, let's see if I'm in here.
- Jordan, jobs... - Try Ryan.
I know, Kent. I was looking upjobs because they're important to the American people.
- R-y-a... - I know how to spell my last name, Kent.
Are you fucking kidding? I'm not in here.
I ruined her administration, like, four times. You'd think that'd count for something.
- Are you in here? - Twelve mentions. Adequate.
Jonah, I just saw the latest polls.
The shutdown really hurt you in Massachusetts's anus.
Aka New Hampshire.
You're only up by five points in your re-election against selectman di vicentis
when you should be up by 20 points.
Whoa, I'm only up five on skeevy deevy?
I went to summer camp with that dude and he was too afraid to get changed
in front of the other boys.
I thought that was you.
- No, I'm pretty sure it was him. - It was you.
How do you know, Kent? Were you at that summer camp?
- Sherman: Ah, there he is. - Oh, hello, sir. God!
Jonah, my boy, I've come to say farewell.
I'm pulling all my financial support.
The pacs, the re-election committees, everything.
I suppose I should've hired some goons to kick the shit out of you,
- but you're dating my daughter, so... - Dad.
But, sir, I know I've had some setbacks...
Sherman: No, no, don't take it so hard!
Come on, shawnee, let's boogie.
No, you don't tell me what to do. I'm not one of your precious inmates.
- I'm staying with Jonah. - You are?
- Are you pregnant? - No, I'm not pregnant.
- Oh, thank god. - I thought we'd wait till we bought a house.
- If you stay with him, you're cutoff. - Okay.
If you change your mind before dinner, we're having Peking gourmet.
I'm not coming, but order me some slippery shrimp just in case.
(Sighs)
Babe, did you give up your inheritance for me?
Are you out of your fucking mind? I still have my trust.
- Oh, money. - We're moving the wedding up.
Just as soon as you finish your conversion.
Maze! Tov.
Oh, thanks, Kent. God... motherfucker!
Okay, I'm gonna get you a bike helmet.
I don't need a bike helmet!
God damn it! Ow!
As you may have heard,
today marks my departure from the CBS morning show with Dan egan.
But you'll still be able to find me weekly on our CBS digital platforms.
- Podcast. - What?
Well, most importantly, I hope that you've cherished our time together.
(Stammers) I'm sorry, Danny.
- Stevie says we've gotta wrap it up. - Brie: Yeah.
Okay, well, then to brie.
Thank you, brie, you know, for everything that we've shared,
- both on and off camera. - Oh.
And to Jane. Incredible. Absolutely incredible.
I mean, you've been with this network for how many decades now?
I mean, Jane, I will always remember Jane covering the moon landing.
- (Laughing) - I mean, I studied that footage.
- That beautiful black and white stuff. - Before me.
- It was just... - Danny boy.
- Regardless, Jane, you are historic. - Thank you.
Be sure to join us starting tomorrow for CBS this morning with Jane and brie.
(Chuckles) Girl power.
We'll see you in the tomorrow.
And we're clear. Greatjob, everybody. Good job, Jane.
Okay, well, what do you say
we let bygones be bygones and have some goodbye cake?
I told them you didn't want cake.
- (Rumbling) - Selina: Oh, my god, I love this!
They started demo at mee-maw's for the birthplace and library,
and the contractor sent me this video link.
Look at this. I could watch this all day.
- What? - Selina: Nothing.
Catherine, I can't repeat myself every five seconds for your amusement.
- Isn't that good? - Gary: Ooh, tonight show dresses.
- Look how pretty. - You think it's too low-cut?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Ma'am, I'm leaving. Take good care of Catherine.
- Who is she talking to? - I don't know.
- Ma'am. - Selina: Yeah?
The Washington post is running an expose on your term in office.
- Is it bad? - Can I have a drink? I feel a little dehydrated.
It's kind of like the wave in the perfect storm, except in this case,
the wave is made out of shit and our boat is also made out of shit.
- It's Leon west. - Fuck.
What does it say?
"Ignoring the advice of experienced staffers, meyer instead sought the counsel
"of a high school drop-out, her personal trainer and lover, ray whelans."
He had a ged, guys. Oh, my god.
- They're talking about my eye job? - (Gary gasps)
Chinese cover-up over the tweet.
This isn't an article, this is a gang bang on a pinball machine!
Who despises me like this?
Well, there's president montez, Tom James, Danny chung...
The white house maids, the steward.
White working class voters.
- Nobody. (Chuckling) Everybody loves you. - Shut up!
Can somebody carry me to the bathroom?
Ma'am, there's a remote possibility.
Awhile back, I, uh, was working on this humor column...
- Leon west has Mike's diary. - Amy, you promised!
- What? What, Mike? - (Breathes deeply)
What have you and your 47 tangled chromosomes done?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ma'am.
I should've gotten a diary with a little lock on it,
but I didn't wanna lock myself out.
- How long have you known about this? - Amy: Since Alabama.
But to be fair, we thought we were on top of it.
- We did, ma'am. - Selina: Oh, really?
Well, now, it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out,
and it's making sweet love to your face!
We don't know my diary is the source.
- Well, there's scans of it on the wapo website. - Amy: Oh, god.
It's crystal clear.
God, get out of here, you great walrus Judas!
- I'm gone, I'm gone. - Selina: Okay, Amy.
You have to call my lawyer right now, my lawyers, the whole firm.
All right, we have to call Leon, too.
And, Mike! Where the fuck do you think you're going?
You need to get in touch with Leon right now.
- Yes, ma'am. - Amy: Ma'am, do you need to sit down?
I just feel a little woozy, okay? I've got stomach cramps.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you drinking? This is Catherine's tea for her underparts.
- Catherine: What? - It's the tea for your underparts!
- Oh, my god. (Retching) - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- (Vomiting) - (Gary whimpering)
- What time's the tonight show? - Call time's 3:30.
I'm fine. It's okay. I'm fine.
- (Selina vomiting) - (Gary whimpering)
Oh, damn. What's up, white boys? Yo, you guys ready to drop that rock?
- Gellardi, hit me, I'm open. - What are you doing here, congressman?
I started up a basketball league to endear myself to you assholes.
We have a league. We play here every Tuesday night.
You guys can join my league. How about that?
- We don't want to. - I don't give a fuck what you want!
I have your ball, so you have to join my league.
I get first pick. And I pick graves.
Oh, really? Why are you picking me?
Because you're so tall.
Oh, god, who the fuck invited dikembe mutomtard?
A little word of advice, congressman, don't wear the shorts.
Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't rape you in those things.
Oh! Lookie here, we got old Jesus with a camel toe
and his child molester goggles and the headband, of course,
'cause you don't want the sweat getting in your eyes
when you're choking them out aftennards.
- Congressman Ryan took our ball. - Oh, shut up, narc.
(Shouts) You shut up!
All right, will, take the ball and tell 'em why.
Balls are the only thing keeping me from choking on cocks.
Without balls, I'd be swallowing dicks whole just like Joey Chestnut.
I'm sorry, Jonah, but, uh, I'm gonna...
Ah! Foul. Foul.
Doctor says I gotta play 20 minutes every day, so get the fuck off our court.
- Ball in. - Kent: Let's go, congressman.
- Wanna play a game of horse? - Yes, I would like that very much.
- Boom goes the dynamite. - You're fired.
Yes!
Amy: Ma'am, the tonight show is ripshit because you canceled.
I just got a lecture from a 22-year-old piss twat
with a suny binghamton degree
who says that she thinks that you chickened out
because of the post article.
Just call her back and rebook the whole thing.
- No, you have... - Okay, look.
This is all about damage control, Amy.
My presidency just got caught with a tranny hooker on sunset boulevard,
and I have to make america think that I was just giving her a ride home.
- Right? Right. - Mike: Very smart, ma'am.
Actually, I did write a zinger for the tonight show about ray.
"In sleeping with my trainer,
"I think you could say I did not exercise good judgment." (Chuckles)
(Chuckling) I am not gonna say thatjoke to Johnny.
- I mean... - Uh, ma'am, Johnny...
Ma'am, Leon west is here for your double secret meeting.
Okay, you know what?
- Let's make him wait. - Okay.
And maybe give him some of that lesbian cooze potion.
Okay, I think all we have is diet coke in the fridge.
Okay, they should not be allowed to call that stuff tea.
That's what I think.
- (Both chuckling) - You know what I think?
You sound like the world's gayest am radio show.
Now, guys, what is our move with Leon?
- Well, he really likes Amy. - Amy who?
- Ew. No! - She's all over his diary.
- She's in every page. - You're kidding me.
- Mike: He's obsessed with you, Amy. - No.
Amy, Amy. (Chuckles)
Come on, nobody's asking you
to engage in some sort of human pleasurable activity.
I know that's not your bag, okay?
But perhaps maybe you could flirt a little with him.
I don't know if that's something that you're actually able to do.
- Yes, of course, I can be very flirtatious. - (Door opens)
- Nope. - Richard: Ma'am.
Leon west says he knows you're just making him wait.
Okay, just send him in.
One of these days, she's gonna make that face
and that eyeball of hers is gonna pop out and shoot across the room.
- Yeah. Boing! - I know it.
- Leon west, ma'am. - Selina: Ah, Leon!
Woodward minus Bernstein plus Propecia.
- Ooh. - This entire conversation is off the record.
You are going to retract every word this very nanosecond.
Othennise, I'm gonna sue you.
I'm curious, you're gonna sue us for what?
Because this is public interest and fair use.
Oh, I'd love to know how my eye job...
Gary: Which never happened.
Which never happened, by the way, is in the public interest.
Now, I've got you on the hook for defamation, libel,
and, if I remember my law school tort professor correctly,
and I do, 'cause I slept with him for two years...
- Still off the record. - Invasion of privacy.
I mean, you can go ahead.
We're the Washington post and we have been sued by better terrible presidents than you.
- Name one. - Okay, you know what I want?
- I want this room, okay? Everybody out. - Yes, ma'am.
- Are there any nibbles on that Dave Barry... - Mike!
- Get! - Shh.
What do you want?
I think the pulitzer I'm going to get from this is good enough for me,
so good evening.
You can have Amy.
Wait, I don't understand.
You can have her.
Probably better from behind, though, you know...
Good evening.
Yeah, I don't blame you.
Can you stop blowing on my legs like that?
- I'm drying the glowtion. - Don't use the word "glowtion."
- Ma'am. - Selina: What is it? Oh, my god, Amy...
You are making that terrible, terrible news face.
You're gonna throw your neck out, you know? What is it? Is it Leon west?
Is it a second diary dump?
Oh, it is beyond a dump. It is a toxic infant blowout
out both diaper legs and up the back of the onesie.
Did they mention the antique egg that we stole from the oval?
- You stole it. - It's got the terrorist drone assassination.
- Richard: Well, that sounds bad. - (Gasps) The dra guy?
Yeah, and the Chinese.
It's got the soldier whose leg you lost.
Oh, my god, the lost leg.
Surrounded by Mike's poorly drawn doodles of legs.
- I'm sorry, Mike. - It looks like arms.
I'm better at arms. You should see the page where I wrote about the arms dealer.
Oh, my god! The Georgian election is here.
- And all of that stuff about murman? - Mmm-hmm.
Why do you work for me, you stupid mustache?
We were telling so many lies, I had to write them down to keep them straight.
Any decent lawyer would've told me to do that.
- Ma'am, they've got the data breach. - No.
They know that you 100% knew
about the mining of those dead kids' social security and medical data.
I don't have a zinger for that one.
- Well, I could go to jail for that. - Gary: No.
Well, I can't do the show. You guys have to get me out of here.
Madam president, we are all so honored to have you on the show.
I'm Bethany, and I'm gonna go over a few rules of "what's in the bag" with you.
Okay, look, Tiffany, I am so happy to be here,
but unfortunately, I've just gotten this emergency call from my...
- Gary: Pregnant daughter. - Pregnant daughter.
- The baby is in distress. - And her baby is in such distress.
Richard: Oh, my goodness. Is my baby okay?
- Come on, guys, we gotta go! - She's gonna love these.
By the way, what is in the bag?
(Whispers) It's a copy of the president's book.
(Chuckles) That's good.
Bill: (On TV) I was a patsy, but to my knowledge,
this is just the tip of the iceberg.
These revelations will continue to come out in a steady drip, drip, drip...
Balls.
Like the leaky prison faucet I was forced to drink from.
- Good evening, ma'am. - (Sighs)
- Finally got Catherine down. - I could never get her down.
She was always so scared about monsters everywhere,
you know, under her bed and behind the curtain and in the closet.
Although, actually, one time, Andrew did hide one of his women
in the closet, so she had reason to be somewhat alarmed.
Why don't ijoin you in that nightcap?
- Uh, Gary? - I think I heard him leave.
What? Oh, right.
Uh, I don't think that there are any clean glasses.
- There's one here. - Uh-huh. Okay.
(Liquid pouring)
You know, ma'am, something I've always wanted to tell you.
You know what I love most about your daughter?
Uh, what's going on with the foundation?
You know, I was thinking that I might wanna become more involved.
I could really use the cleansing power of a charity right now.
Well, it's been quite a year for the meyer fund for adult literacy,
aids, the advancement of global democracy, military family assistance,
and childhood obesity. Aids in particular has had...
Wait, wait, hang on a second. What is that?
You just, what was the thing that you just said?
Childhood obesity. You sent me an email about it last month at 4:00 am.
I forgot. I was looking at Catherine's baby pictures.
You know, I have to admit I was skeptical about it at first,
but the more I learned about those kids,
I started to see that the problems are not just physical problems...
Selina: Yeah. Mmm-hmm.
That come with obesity, the cancer, the diabetes.
But also the emotional and psychological problems, the body dysmorphia...
Yeah. Hey, jaffar, it's me.
Marjorie: So we started an exciting new program...
Can you come and get me?
- We get the kids out 10 minutes a day. - Yeah, in 10 minutes would be good.
- Marjorie: It is good. It is. - Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
It's a perfect amount of time for a lot of these kids.
- Selina: Thank you. - You're welcome.
From the moment I have left office, it has been nothing
but a giant slalom down mount mcrimjob, brown diamond.
I know, but, look, in my mind, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
You know, my uncle, he poisoned an entire village with sarin gas.
- That is worse. Thank you very much for that. - Yeah, you're welcome.
(Whispers) I just wish we could leave this country forever.
Why don't we then?
I mean, you've got nothing here.
- I've got Catherine, but, I mean... - Let's just go.
I've got a plane that's fully fueled always and ready to go at any moment.
Why? Why is your plane always fueled?
Well, you know, in case...
Let's just say that I've got some cousins who sometimes get very angry
- at some of your tall buildings. - (Both laughing)
Selina: Oh, god, you're making a joke, right?
- Jaffar: Yes. Yes. - Yeah.
Dipshit Mike and his shit-dip diary.
"Amy committed perjury today," written in crayon and mustard stains.
Dan: You gonna hire a lawyer?
Ben: No, I'm thinking of, uh, pleading guilty.
I wouldn't mind a little time in prison, get away from my wife,
spend time with guys who get it.
Yeah, learn a trade. Sure.
All right, I gotta get up early, yammer my case to the morning TV yabbos.
- No offense. - Hey, none taken. Former yabbo.
- Ben: Bye, kids. - What about you?
What's next for the great Dan egan? Anyjob leads?
I thought about teaching high school,
but, I mean, girls these days just can't keep a secret.
- You see Jane's up to her old tricks? - Mmm-mmm.
Yeah, she's telling page six that she and brie are clam slamming.
Vaginas are so gross.
I wish I didn't have one.
- Sometimes I forget I do. - Yeah, yeah, we all do.
You want one more of these?
I gotta get up in the morning, early, 'cause selina's...
- Yeah, make it a double. - Atta girl.
Jaffar: So, we will go to Paris first. Selina: Goody.
Jaffar: We'll figure out where we wanna go next.
Hey, listen, can you call somebody to bring me some fresh towels?
- More towels? How many towels are you... - Yes, I need them.
Breaking news from the Washington post.
Buried among many new scandalous acts from the meyer presidency...
Oh, no.
Comes the revelation that it was president selina meyer
and not president Laura montez
who negotiated with the Chinese president to free Tibet.
- Jaffar! - Sources close to...
- What is the matter? What's going on? - No, no, look! They know!
- They finally know it's me! - Oh, my gosh!
Yeah! (Laughs)
Well, the history books are being rewritten,
and this time, it's not Texas saying Satan made fossils.
- (All laugh) - Yes, he did.
Amy: Ma'am, it is everywhere.
This is the best day we've had since I started working for you.
I guess it was actually good I lost the diary.
Ma'am, we're getting requests for confirmation from all the big Tibetan papers,
except for the Lhasa express though.
- They're playing their usual games. - Well, whatever.
This is amazing. Nobody is talking about any of the other stuff.
God bless the media and their "fly hitting a windshield" attention span.
Mike: I know! (Laughs)
Oh, Leon west is on CBS this morning right now.
Selina: Oh, my god, put it on really quick.
Even you would admit that freeing Tibet
from Chinese rule is a monumental achievement.
- Yes, it was. - Leon: No, that was a fluke.
That was a success despite an almost pathological level...
Jane: President meyer's discretion speaks well of her.
- Yeah. - (All agreeing)
Take that cum shot in all four eyes, Leon.
You should've taken Amy and walked away.
- Hmm? - Selina: Nothing.
If she were a man, you would call that confidence.
Yeah, tell it, sister. Kick him in the cunt.
I adore Jane McCabe.
A heroine for our times.
Montez is not gonna be happy.
- It's gonna put a real turd in her chalupa. - (Cell phone buzzing)
- Oh, we should get Mexican for lunch. - Richard: President meyer's office.
- Yale university president's office? - Oh.
Okay, uh, and she knows what this is regarding, Yale?
Give me that. I'm talking.
Hello, this is president meyer.
Jim! How are you?
Oh. Absolutely. Well, have your office, uh, get in touch with my office.
We're very interested in discussing that.
You, too. Bye-bye. (Laughing)
Amy: Well?
Guess who is interested,
all of a sudden, in the selina meyer presidential library.
- Andrew. - Selina: What?
- Your ex. - No. Yale!
I thought you went to Smith.
Oh, no, it's in the book that you wrote.
Right, right, right, right.
- (All laugh) - Oh, my god, I'm gonna get upset!
You just started tearing down mee-maw's house.
- Well, that's Catherine's problem. - Amy: Okay.
Hey, Kent, free at last, free at last.
I've been fired three times in my life.
From the us postal service office of investigations,
by the Seattle seahawks, and by Jonah Ryan.
I cried each time.
- This time, it was tears of joy. - Good for you.
Well, good timing because we're in print as genius operators.
You know, this could be an opportunity. I might get my teeth re-whitened.
Maybe we could start a new business, take our shit show on the road.
Yeah, easier than explaining yards after the catch to Steve largent.
If we do this, though, one rule, no mclintock.
Ben: No shit. So, what do you think?
The three meyersketeers hang a shingle?
I am gonna bid you farewell.
Because this face belongs in broadcasting and I start a new gig tomorrow.
- Drinks are on you. Bye. - Ooh.
You'll be sorry.
I thought you were taking the family to Italy.
They're in Italy.
Hey, wake up. Can you hear me? There you go.
- Hi. - Am I Jewish?
Your circumcision was a success, Mr. Ryan.
If you notice any swelling, let me know, and no erection for six weeks.
Well, I don't know how I'm not gonna get it hard
when I'm talking about my hog with some hot "shiska" nurse.
I'm your doctor, and it's shiksa.
I'll check on you later.
- I'm pretty sure it's "shiska." - I'm leaving.
- How are you doing? - I don't know.
Babe, so far, being Jewish really sucks.
Will you pass me one of those ice packs, please?
- Here you go, sweetie. - Thank you.
At least your dick won't smell like donkey pussy anymore.
Oh, god, I told you that was expired lube.
Oh, and there's someone here to see you.
- Hello, jonie. - Oh, fuck. Hello, uncle Jeff.
Why do you think I'm here?
To wish me a speedy recovery?
No, wishes belong in the bottom of a well with unwanted girl children.
Actually, I'm here to thank you.
Well, fine, you're welcome for whatever.
For shitting the urinal so badly,
you made the hindenburg look like a normal, on-time blimp landing.
Uncle Jeff, people loved the shutdown...
Shut the fuck up!
You epileptic Picasso painting!
Uh, you can't talk to him like that.
(Mockingly) "You can't talk to him like that."
Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger?
Somebody you hired to make sure you don't get erections?
That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.
- Jonah! - Her name is shawnee tanz...
- And you will treat her with respect. - (Shawnee sighs)
Tanz as in sherman tanz?
- That's right. He's my father. - Oh, royalty.
- Well, I suppose I should say I'm sorry. - Thank you.
Sorry you're even related to that human melted candle
who puts the "Jew" in "why people hate Jews."
Tell me this, did he sell your training bras
as cum rags to the sex offenders in his prisons?
Listen up, Ms. Tranz, as of today,
jonie here is down three points to that wop wonder di vicentis,
so I am pulling this creature from the jizz lagoon
right off the New Hampshire congressional ballot
and replacing him with his cousin, Ezra.
What? (Grunts) What?
Ezra has more raw political talent in the tip of his roseate pecker
than you have in this mangled abortion coat hanger
you should be ashamed to call your body.
The people of New Hampshire are gonna be so grateful to me,
I'm gonna be like a disability check wrapped around a pack of no-filter cigarettes.
See you around, jonie.
Wait, can he really do that? Take your name off the ballot?
Yeah, he owns, like, all these old people.
(Clears throat) Jonah, I have been thinking,
you know, I think I wanna slow things down with us.
Okay, yeah, that makes sense. My teachers had to do that all the time.
No, with us. You and me.
What?
(Laughing hysterically)
- She's dumping you! - Shut the fuck up, uncle Jeff.
- She's not dumping me. - Oh, no, I am.
I've been having doubts for a little while.
(Laughing hysterically)
Uncle Jeff, shut up! What do you mean, a little while?
What the fuck does that even mean?
Is that before or after I scheduled the surgery to cut my dick off
so you could marry me?
(Continues laughing)
Uncle Jeff, come on!
I'm so glad I came in person and didn't call.
Goodbye, Jonah.
Sorry.
Come on, honey, I'll walk you out.
Oh, that's nice of you. Are you parked in the garage?
- Yeah, I'm just outside. - Oh, that's...
(Continues laughing)
Shawnee...
(Indistinct announcement on pa)
Okay, come on.
(Screaming)
Ow! Nurse!
Leon westjust called for the seventh time.
He says he wants you to...
He wants to gargle my nuts and tickle my taint?
Tell him to get in line.
Oh, ma'am, the publisher said we're getting some book reviews in.
Oh, the Lhasa express gives it five namastes.
- Now, what are you doing? - Gary: Don't worry about it.
- They're ready for you, ma'am. - Gary: That's Bethany.
Okay, thank you, Tiffany. I'm going!
- Amy: Knock 'em dead, ma'am. - You look beautiful, ma'am.
- Thank you. - Amy: Have fun.
How long have you been working for the tonight show?
- About a month. - Richard: Hey, ma'am.
Ma'am, Catherine's in an ambulance. She's having some bad bleeding.
Oh, my god, on the couch? Did they put the garbage bags down?
- I don't know. - Okay, and?
- One of us should go? - Well, what are you standing here for?
- You're the donor. - Or father.
- Do you need to leave? - Where do I stand?
- Oh. Oh. Right there on the Mark. - On the thing? Okay. Thank you.
- Man: Good luck, ma'am. - Hi. How are you?
The first woman to hold the office of the president.
If that's not enough, she's written an autobiography,
a woman first: First woman.
Ladies and gentlemen, please help me welcome president selina meyer.
- Selina. - Hey!
- (Band playing music) - (Audience cheering)
- Selina: How about that? - Hello.
- Thank you so much for coming. - Thank you.
How about this, a real president.
A real president.
- Driver: Where to? - Uh, 53rd and 3rd, please.
- (Sighs deeply) - (Jingle plays on screen)
Hi, there. Welcome to CBS this ride.
I'm your host, Dan egan, bringing you exclusive content...
- No, no, no, no. Off. - Right here in New York City yellow cabs.
Sir, how do you... I can't get the screen to go off.
How do you turn this thing off?
Come on, how the fuck do you turn this thing off?
Driver: There's an off... You see the off button?
All right, you know what? You know what?
I wanna get out. Shut the fuck up!
Driver: Sir, can you calm down, please?
If off-off-Broadway is your scene, fringe festival's in town.
God damn it.
Uh, Ben, it's me.
- Driver: Hey, you gonna pay? - I'm in.
- I did wanna clear the air about one thing. - Sure.
Um, earlier this week, you were booked on the show. You had to cancel.
- I did. - Which, to us, is like, you know...
She's the president of the united... Who cares?
We're fine with it. You have so many more important things to do.
Well, thank you.
Than our stupid show that we put together.
No, it's a great show.
- With scotch tape here. - No, I love this show.
And then there was speculation that you did so
because you were embarrassed about some salacious news stories
about your trainer.
Yes, in sleeping with my trainer,
I did not exercise good judgment.
- (Audience laughing) - Wow.
(Laughs and imitates slashing sword)
Zinger!
Actually, what I really would love to talk about, um, is Tibet.
- Yeah, absolutely, madam president. - The deal that we brokered.
But before that, just in honor of your new book...
- Oh, sure. - A woman first: First woman.
Is that the final title or are you...
Yeah. Oh, yeah, that... mmm-hmm. (Chuckles)
- It's a little pun. - Host: It is a pun, kind of.
By the way, this is quite a photo on the cover.
- It's really... - Thank you.
Really nice. Do I need, like, special glasses to be able to see this in focus?
- Selina: No, no! - Or how does this work?
It just came out today, and we thought it would be fun,
in honor of you canceling on us,
to have some children come out here.
They'll read you some of our favorite reviews.
- Oh, neat. - Of your book.
Because as any parent knows, kids read the darnedest things
- off of cue cards. That's right. - (Audience laughing)
- So, kids, could you come out here, please? - (Audience applauding)
- Oh, so cute. - Okay. Yeah, very cute.
Starting up here, we've got Ella, who is age nine.
The New York times says,
"we've been stunned by the revelations and achievements of the meyer presidency
"over the last few days. Why aren't they in the book?"
(Chuckles)
That's not a bad question. Next up, Melanie, age eight.
Publisher weekly calls it
"scattered and disjointed, much like the meyer presidency."
(Audience laughing)
- Okay, next up, we got Ruby, age 10. - (Scoffs) Wow.
The New York post says,
"remainder city."
(Audience laughing)
Can we play "what's in the bag?" Let's guess what's in the bag.
We played that last night when you weren't here.
- Ah. - We've got Elliot, age 10.
Elliot: The new yorker called it
"a trite, monotonous tune that's as inconsequential as any..."